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Etiquette

Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!

OK read up ladies/gents. I need some help with an issue.  My maid of honor asked me if she could bring her boyfriend (they've been dating for 3 weeks) to the rehearsal dinner.  The wedding is about 5 months away. I am one of those brides that doesn't want to step on anyone's feet, but my fiance said that if she was married to him between now and then he'd be invited.  His parents are not fianancially able to just add everyone's boyfriend/girlfiend.  Also we wanted it to be a more intimate thing and we fill it would not be focused on us getting married but focused on the other peope's  significant others (spouses excluded). Am I being a bridezilla about this? I've already let my mom have her way with the food, flowers, and location.
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Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!

  • Here's the thing though, if they're still together by the time your rehearsal comes around, they will have been together 6 months. So your question is misleading. Let your bridal party bring dates. It's not going to move the focus of your rehearsal dinner. You guys are the ones getting married, no one will stop focusing on that. I promise. If your FI's parents can't afford it, help them out with the extra people. It really is a nice gesture to let your bridal party bring dates.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • If they're an established couple, you have to invite the s/o.  Figure, they're dating 6 months come the rehearsal dinner - that's not a new couple.  He needs to be invited.

    And anyone else with a S/O needs to have their partner invited.  I'm married four months, and we got engaged in April of '09.  So you would have told me that for a wedding just before then, when we had been dating nearly 5 years, that I couldn't bring my boyfriend?  I would have had some very choice words for you at that point.

    The other way of thinking of it - would you go to a rehearsal dinner without your FI? Or when he was your BF, without your BF?  No.  Invite them.
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  • Rehersal dinners usually involve SOs of the wedding party. They are a social unit and should be invited together. Just because they aren't married, does not mean that they are not in a serious committed relationship.

    You are inviting her BF to the wedding right? Do they have to come in from out of town? If so I think it is very rude to not invite them as they will likely have nothing else to do besides hang out in the hotel. Even if they are local I would be kind of bummed if my SO was invited to something on a Friday night and I couldn't come. I would feel pretty left out.

    Also about this: "Also we wanted it to be a more intimate thing and we fill it would not be focused on us getting married but focused on the other peope's  significant others (spouses excluded)."

    Having your bridesmaid's BF there is not going to make it any less about you. You are the one getting married. You are the one people will be giving toasts about. This whole idea does not even make sense.

    If there is a budget issue you should look into more budget friendly rehersal dinner locations.
  • edited December 2010
    I am a broke college student with no assets (thank you mom and dad for paying for the wedding). I am only 21 and I know a lot of people say I have no business getting married, I just wanted advice.  The guest are all from in-town.  I don't have a problem with them bringing their boyfriends, its just the future mother in law monster (they are the ones paying of it). I want to handle it delicately.  My MOH has had lots of relationships but not serious long term ones (I wouln't want her to go though a sad breakfup and not have a date) WHAT IF: You are a single bridesmaid with no boyfriend.  Does she still ahve to find a date to the rehearsal dinner?
  • If she's bringing him to the wedding (and she should), he should be invited to the RD. Sorry, but if you want an "intimate RD" you should have a small WP. If his parents can't afford extra people, either find a cheaper place or make up the difference yourselves. 
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:8508998f-1fcb-4511-9e5f-5baa6cf0c4e4">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a broke college student FYI. :(
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    Just because you are broke doesn't mean you get to be rude. It is rude to not invite SOs to the wedding or the rehearsal dinner. The RD can just be pizza and beer,  but everyone's SO needs to be invited.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:8508998f-1fcb-4511-9e5f-5baa6cf0c4e4">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a broke college student FYI. :(
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Well, then put off your wedding until you can afford it. I mean seriously? When you got engaged did you think money would magically fall out of the sky for your wedding or to establish your household?</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:8508998f-1fcb-4511-9e5f-5baa6cf0c4e4">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a broke college student FYI. :(
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    That doesn't make it ok to be rude. And seriously, who <em>isn't</em> broke these days? If you are a broke college student that means your bridesmaids likely are too. They are probably spending a significant amount of money on your wedding and the least you could do is let them bring their boyfriends to the rehersal dinner.

    It is completely ok to have your rehersal dinner as a backyard bbq or similar event. I would much rather go to a rehersal dinner at someone's house catered by Chipotle, Sonny's BBQ, or with grocery story sandwich platters and have my bf with me, than go to a fancy restaurant without him. If I had to go to a rehersal without him I would leave asap and not linger or hang out with you after dinner was over. Just some things to think about.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:ab18681e-ab15-44aa-b330-c707be478491">Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK read up ladies/gents. I need some help with an issue.  My maid of honor asked me if she could bring her boyfriend (they've been dating for 3 weeks) to the rehearsal dinner.  The wedding is about 5 months away. I am one of those brides that doesn't want to step on anyone's feet, but my fiance said that if she was married to him between now and then he'd be invited.  His parents are not fianancially able to just add everyone's boyfriend/girlfiend. <strong> Also we wanted it to be a more intimate thing and we fill it would not be focused on us getting married but focused on the other peope's  significant others (spouses excluded). Am I being a bridezilla about this</strong>? I've already let my mom have her way with the food, flowers, and location.
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    FYI:  The bolded part makes you sound like a bridezilla for sure.

    I understand that budget can be a constraint, but as others pointed out, by the RD if they are still together they will have been together for 6 months.  And to me it would be rude to exclude him at that point.  For now, just tell your BM that you wont' be doing the RD guest list for a few months and just put off the decision.  If they are still together then, then yes you should invite him. 

    Think about it from her perspective:  she's spending a lot of money to be in your wedding (dress, gifts, shower, BP, etc, etc).  The least you can do is let her bring her BF to the RD.  I"ve been on the other side of this where my BF (now DH) were together for years and I wasn't invited to a RD for a friend.  We both felt extremely hurt that our friends didn't care enough about us to think about how that would make us feel.  It was very rude (and coincidentally, we are not really friends with that couple anymore).
  • I definitely think he should be invited if they are still dating. Sorry, sugar, that's just the polite way of handling it. Maybe if you change the location of the RD you can afford to squeeze these folks in. I'm in MS too and we had out RD just outside of Jackson at a catfish house - it was inexpensive and we got so many compliments on it, it was a hit! Maybe doing something more low key could make it so more people can come. Just a thought.
  • Thank you for all the good insight! Thanks for all the comments!
  • Ditto PPs on not having to spend a ton for the rehearsal dinner. We did ours for 20 people for about $300, $75 of which was on a quarter keg of beer.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • If she's not dating someone and just bringing a random friend to the wedding, no, he doesn't have to be invited to the RD.  But that wasn't your question.  The question was should she be allowed to bring a new boyfriend.  She's dating someone, and if they're still together, he needs to be invited.
    image Anniversary

    RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
    You made my wedding day complete.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:b068cef1-0e58-4f5c-8698-be8881455ec5">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP! : FYI:  The bolded part makes you sound like a bridezilla for sure. I<strong> understand that budget can be a constraint, but as others pointed out, by the RD if they are still together they will have been together for 6 months.  And to me it would be rude to exclude him at that point.  For now, just tell your BM that you wont' be doing the RD guest list for a few months and just put off the decision.  If they are still together then, then yes you should invite him.</strong>  Think about it from her perspective:  she's spending a lot of money to be in your wedding (dress, gifts, shower, BP, etc, etc).  The least you can do is let her bring her BF to the RD.  I"ve been on the other side of this where my BF (now DH) were together for years and I wasn't invited to a RD for a friend.  We both felt extremely hurt that our friends didn't care enough about us to think about how that would make us feel.  It was very rude (and coincidentally, we are not really friends with that couple anymore).
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

    This. She's only dating him 3 weeks now, but you never know how serious something can get and how soon. Just dodge the question and only answer it when it is time.
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  • In general, I think that the bridal party should be allowed to bring someone, even if it's just a friend.  You should plan on inviting all of your bridal party with a plus one and let your FILs know that.  

    Unless, you are doing something very unique or are having a huge bridal party, then skip the rehearsal if it's a hardship.  Perhaps your FILs can put that money towards something else.  
  • I just called FMIL to win this battle for her to bring her BF to the RD. This makes me feel better.  I alteast never gave her a direct answer. Thank you all!
  • I'm late to this, but why are you finalizing the guest list to the RD 5 months in advance?  The addition or subtraction of a guest is not going to change much in the planning.  For that matter, other single WP members might start dating someone in the interim.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:16c501e0-9487-471d-9c26-76cec87a5a9d">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just called FMIL to win this battle for her to bring her BF to the RD. This makes me feel better.  I alteast never gave her a direct answer. Thank you all!
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    <div>5 months is extremely early to talk about the RD guest list.  Tell your FMIL that you're planning only inviting members of the WP and their SO's, but being that it's so far away you won't have an exact number until closer.  If she is going to insist on a guest list now and try to manipulate who can can't bring a date, I think you should decline the offer of her to host.  If you and your FI can't manage to scrape together $100 to order pizza and soda for your WP in the next 5 months then I have some opinions on this wedding.  </div><div>
    </div><div>And no, if your MOH breaks up with him and is just bringing a random date to the wedding, then he does not need to be invited to the RD.  Regardless, this is you MOH, who should be your nearest and dearest person to you, so wouldn't you want to be respectful of any relationship she is in?</div>
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  • @ Mika 178 I think it is super easy to plan ahead of time 5 months (it's not THAT far in advance) if someone doesn't show, not a big deal.  It it just easier to account for everything/body now than 2 months ahead of time, when I am doing final exams and finishing school.  I DO NOT have a wedding coordinator. I know I will only have 4 bridesmaids and 2 of them are married, so that is a given extra two guests.  It is safer to add one for each BM and GM. Thankfully the snarky FMIL said alright.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:91652db3-e35a-46af-b698-f389b049b9e5">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm late to this, but why are you finalizing the guest list to the RD 5 months in advance?  The addition or subtraction of a guest is not going to change much in the planning.  For that matter, other single WP members might start dating someone in the interim.  
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.  Why not wait until a month or so out to decide?  Then you'll know if this guy is even still around.  If she's anything like some of my friends, she could go through 3 boyfriends between now and then!

    I'm trying to remember who of the SOs were invited to ours.  I know our BMs fiance (now wife) was invited.  One of my maids was newly dating a guy...I can't remember if he was invited or not.  I'm thinking yes.

    We did a very casual RD because it was big and my ILs wanted to host but were very poor.  Granted it was 8 years ago, but we did pizza, salad and cheesecake for about 25 and it was about $200.  If it's a financial hardship, maybe suggest doing something lower key to keep costs down.  You're having (I'm assuming) a big party the next day, so keep the smaller party the night before simpler and more casual.
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:a01d2ada-fdbd-475a-8b57-4821db5878d1">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ Mika 178 I think it is super easy to plan ahead of time 5 months (it's not THAT far in advance) if someone doesn't show, not a big deal.  It it just easier to account for everything/body now than 2 months ahead of time, when I am doing final exams and finishing school.  I DO NOT have a wedding coordinator. I know I will only have 4 bridesmaids and 2 of them are married, so that is a given extra two guests.  It is safer to add one for each BM and GM. Thankfully the snarky FMIL said alright.
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    <div>Seeing as how I planned my whole wedding in 5 months, I think it's very early.  You chose to pick your wedding date so close to your finals.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: And I didn't have a wedding planner either, and was also in the middle of planning and packing for a cross country move.</div><div>
    </div><div>Seriously, for someone not even married you have a ton of horrible things to say about your FMIL.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:a01d2ada-fdbd-475a-8b57-4821db5878d1">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ Mika 178 I think it is super easy to plan ahead of time 5 months (it's not THAT far in advance) if someone doesn't show, not a big deal. <strong> It it just easier to account for everything/body now than 2 months ahead of time, when I am doing final exams and finishing school.  I DO NOT have a wedding coordinator</strong>. I know I will only have 4 bridesmaids and 2 of them are married, so that is a given extra two guests.  It is safer to add one for each BM and GM. Thankfully the snarky FMIL said alright.
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    Seriously?  I got married the day after finals and didn't have a wedding coordinator either.  I still managed to do all those last minute details, go to class, do my homework,  perform in a play that closed the week before our wedding, move, and get a 3.9 GPA.  So sorry, I don't get why this has to be done 5 months ahead of time when you'll have two months from finals until your wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:a01d2ada-fdbd-475a-8b57-4821db5878d1">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ Mika 178 I think it is super easy to plan ahead of time 5 months (it's not THAT far in advance) if someone doesn't show, not a big deal.  It it just easier to account for everything/body now than 2 months ahead of time, when I am doing final exams and finishing school.  I DO NOT have a wedding coordinator. I know I will only have 4 bridesmaids and 2 of them are married, so that is a given extra two guests.  It is safer to add one for each BM and GM. Thankfully the snarky FMIL said alright.
    Posted by cdm322[/QUOTE]

    I agree that you are jumping ahead and creating issues where they shouldn't be. If she's still dating him at the time of the RD, great invite him. If it's just a fling then problem solved and you've spent time worrying yourself and your mil over nothing. Have a tentative list of people you want there and then look at the list 1-2 months out for final numbers. We had 1 no show and 3 additions to our RD the day of, so it's not an exact science.

    Also no shows will be a big deal if your mil has to pay in advance, so you may want to make sure she is only paying for who shows up after the fact and doesn't have to prepay.
  • @Katy that is the perfect idea.  We wanted to reserve the place early because there is a local university having graduation that day. Things fill up fast during those events and we wanted to be on the books, even with guestimated numbers. Thank you all for the great advice!
  • We're wanting a small rehearsal dinner... immediate family and the wedding party. But I think if you're letting the other WP members bring their SO's, then you need to let her bring her new man... but that's not something that needs to be decided right now, you've still got some time.
  • @cdm, do you have a spelling issue, or is misspelling people's names your passive aggressive way of "getting back" at people who give you valid advice?
  • All you need is an estimated amount of people when you're booking a place. If you tell them 25 and end up with 20 it won't be that big of a deal.

    You don't have really nice things to say about your FMIL and it makes me cringe to read your posts. Is she really that bad? Or do you think it makes you sound better saying those things about her?

    FWIW I'm a fan of letting WP members bring dates, dating or not. They spend a lot to be a part of your wedding, the least you could do is let them enjoy it with someone.
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  • Kate504Kate504 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2010
    My cousin did not have SO at the rehersal dinner, but that was b/c of the location. It was at Ruth's Chris b/c it was her FIL's favorite restaurant and budget wise I don't think maybe it would have been do able, but there also wasn't much room in the place. I plan on allowing everyone invited bring dates b/c half of our WP is from OOT.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-boyfriends-allowed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c33dd9-8c2b-49fc-8730-363c36361d60Post:2f0f23c0-5d60-485d-b287-95ccfa291185">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Boyfriends allowed? Please HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin did not have SO at the rehersal dinner, but that was b/c of the location. It was at Ruth's Chris b/c it was her FIL's favorite restaurant and budget wise I don't think maybe it would have been do able, but there also wasn't much room in the place. I plan on allowing everyone invited bring dates b/c half of our WP is from OOT.
    Posted by Kate504[/QUOTE]

    <div>then they should have picked a different place. </div><div>
    </div><div>as someone who has been on the other end of this, pleae don't do it. it really sucks.</div>
  •   First of all, if your FMIL is hosting, she would be the one inviting people. If she asks who should be invited, you should include SOs if possible. It's not good to split up a social unit.  However, I've been the SO that wasn't invited to the RD and it was fine. I know the bride and groom had a lot of OOT guests and were trying to keep costs down. I went to the bar with another GM's girlfriend and we had a great time- probably a better time than the WP had at the RD!
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