Tacky? Just had to double-check

tjhupp · May 2010

Call me tacky! We have a bank registry as well becasue we have lived together for 3 years and already own a home. We have registries at Target and Kohls and the bank, but our registries are small.

Not only is it nice to give people the option I feel, it's also a safer option than bringing money to the wedding. I had a friend whose card box got stolen. You'd think you wouldn't invite those risks to your wedding but you never know!!! Call em tacky I don't care : )

lannadrace · May 2010

Have you ever heard of Honeyfund.com? It's a registry to help pay for your honeymoon that is linked directly to your paypal account. I think if someone wants to give me money as opposed to a gift, that's fine with me.

Also, they will forever be a part of the house that they bought. It's kind of like It's A Wonderful Life, you know!

Congrats on your wedding!

Anna from Nashville

kathleen.lasiter · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_tacky-just-double-check?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:6fcffcda-4c54-495e-bd77-70dca3182a60Post:2d12e509-e2ee-4b4c-b823-78c78699a498">Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check</a>:
[QUOTE]We are registered through our wedding photographer. Is that tacky? I thought since it was wedding related that it would be a cool thing but maybe not?
Posted by Kirsh2010[/QUOTE]

<div>Girl, don't worry about it. We can't tell you what your friends and family will think, but chances are at least a few of them will think it's a good idea and help you out with your photography expenses. I think it's a great idea if that's what you want to do. I just know that when I buy a gift for someone's wedding I want it to be appreciated. And if you set up a registry - whether it's cash, honeymoon, photography, or whatever else - you're letting me know that what I buy you will be appreciated, and that would make me feel good about my purchase. It's like I'm getting more bang for my buck, you know? Anyway, don't let a bunch of bored brides on a blog ruin your wedding planning, you just need to do what makes you and your fiance happy :)</div>

BrooklynHeaven · May 2010

I am actually in the same boat as you. I think the way the friend did it was tacky (setting up a PayPal account) but I understand why she would. I am thinking about setting up some sort of account for us as well because we too have lived together for many years. It could have been done differently, but not knocking her 100%.

crystal27lynn · May 2010

I don't think it's tacky at all. She actually has balls and is honest. So many people return the gifts they register for to get the cash ! ! ! It's becoming more common that couples have a registry (account) for a house down payment, a honeymoon, etc. We just attending a wedding and they had it set up where they had a list of things they wanted to do on their honeymoon (zip line, spa, etc) and you could buy one as your gift. I loved it. Something they really wanted, I didn't have to leave my house to get it or a gift receipt and I actually knew they would use it. Most couples now live together and have most things they need. Things you register for these days are all wants. We are registering for the things we want/need for my bridal showers and that is all we had planned on. I even am considering taking the registries down after the showers. We want only cash/checks to pay for our honeymoon. However I'm considering re-thinking and keeping them up and dealing with the issue of returning all the gifts and then dealing with the items we don't want (dont' have a reciept and we are STUCK with them!) Now that I type I that I think I will just stick with the cash/check so I don't have the hassle. If people don't like it well I'm sorry, but get with the times!

BrooklynHeaven · May 2010

I completely agree...well said!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_tacky-just-double-check?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:6fcffcda-4c54-495e-bd77-70dca3182a60Post:2865db35-7bd1-4ff5-a809-fa921ee09275">Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a whole website called ourwishingwell.com dedicated to cash gifts for different purchases like a house. We're using it for a house deposit because we've lived together for 4 years now and don't really need the china and such. I think this has become more common place and we've already received contributions although our wedding is in August. Also, people know we've been looking to buy a house for a couple of years now. Most friends and family have thought the house deposit registry was a really great, smart idea. I also did small traditional registries at Macy's and Mikasa for those who weren't comfortable with giving money. I think Macy's is tackier in the end because I'm always receiving messages from them about registering more and more items and "tips" like once items are bought I should add more to always keep the registry full of items. I've kept them because it took forever to register and people generally like shopping at Macy's - it's easy for them online or at the store. Our situation might be different though. It's not that we're poor (which was an offensive comment by the way), we're just not in true need of many items. We've had plenty of actually poor family members hold their weddings in someone's living room, backyard, or at the courthouse and they were happy with that. We were looking for something different. We're young people from humble backgrounds and haven't necessarily had the time to save up a ton of money being teachers and continuing graduate students. Believe me, we're not blowing our savings on the wedding! Also, we are the first to have a traditional/formal wedding on either sides of the family and we're only in our 20s. People don't really know all the etiquette rules of weddings and neither do we to tell the truth. I'm learning as I go along, although I knew that some people get all worked up about money gifts. That's why I did the registries. Honestly, we're not even expecting gifts of any sort from about a third of the guests and that's ok with us. We'll just be happy if family and friends show up and have a good time.
Posted by vee25t[/QUOTE]

DannetteSS · May 2010

Not tacky, just practical, in my opinion First of all, how do folks think these gifts from Macy's or Target are paid for? With money! It always comes down to money. By registering at these massive, corporate big box stores for random crap, you "force" people to participate in wasteful and (perhaps) needless consumerism that they totally might not feel comfortable with. Not to mention the hassle of actually going out and shopping for gift, gift box, wrapping paper, bow, ribbon, etc.

Plus, the only reason the tradition is to buy domestic-type appliances, is that traditionally couples established homes together (whether through buying or renting) when they got married. So, if you were just starting off in a new place, those were the practical items that you required. Nowadays, people marry older, have already established homes together, or one partner or both already own(s) their homes, etc. So, the traditional gift registry approach makes no sense. Why should the conventions not reflect the current realities?

I think the real purpose of the registry is to create a way for people to support the union materially (monetarily), based on what the couple decides they most need. Whether that's a home, a honeymoon, a future child's college fund, or what have you. If you love these people and want to participate in their union in a positive way, why not trust that they know best what they need, and give as you can? And not judge them.

(We set up a registry at ourwishingwell.com. We identified 3 charities for folks to donate to, and asked that people who really want to do something special for us contact us directly. When someone contacted us directly to ask what we needed, I just said, we need "x, y, or z", and they said, "I can do that." Very practical, but also very personal, because Auntie Renee can say, "I paid for x to make the wedding happen", and Auntie Donna can say, "I bought them one night of their honeymoon." Etc.) If you're starting place is that people want to help you in ways that you actually need, then it should be fine to ask for whatever that is. They always have the option to buy a gift that they choose, or do nothing at all.

Also, not for nothing, but people should not be giving gifts from regular stores without gift receipts in this day and age. Especially some artistic or aesthetic item for another person's home, who may not share their style or tastes. That's not very thoughtful, in my opinion!

WhitMichelle · May 2010

You have to be incredibly tactful when asking for a cash donation instead of gifts, whether it's for a honeymoon or for a house. Dont be expecting it as an addendum to traditional gifts, and make sure thatwhatever method you choose, not to be pushy.

Personally, if I am giving someone a wedding gift, I want to know they will use it. Say I am a close friend of the bride or groom, and know they don't need anything that traditionally would go on a registry. If I know that they would much rather have the money for a honeymoon or house, then I think itd be more tacky to give them a gift that they'll probably want to return. If you really care about helping the bride & groom out, you can forgive the payment method.

Oh, and another idea: if you are puttting money towards a honeymoon or house, be SURE to send pictures along with your thank-yous, or mail little photo albums to those who helped you at your wedding.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Wow, I was scared to read the responses because I'm in a difficult place and did something similar. We aren't registering for anything because we dont' need anything. We're paying for the wedding and everything else ourselves, so I simply stated that we didn't want any gifts, but welcome help for our honeymoon. It felt icky and awkward, to be that bold about "asking" for money, but practically speaking it was my only option. We looked into Honeymoon registries, but they all took prohibitave percentages and we weren't okay with that.

I'm now registered at Honeyfund.com, and am so excited to have a way to avoid the awkwardness of recieving a check from friends (family of course is fine, but friends just seems weird).

Anyhow, I'm sensitive to both sides, but if the bride decided that it was her best option, and she's not doing anything mallicious, lay off her becasue I'm sure she has 100 things she's worried about being judged for.

lizza66 · May 2010

I am not like everyone else, and the more I go through life, the more I can see it. But I simply, from a yoga, truthful perspective, do not understand what the big deal is if you are honest about what you need. A down payment, and insurances and taxes and closing costs that go with buying a house are enough to overwhelm most couples and block alot of people out, forcing them to keep renting, and throwing away money, and making some landlord rich. If the money is so, so much more useful to a couple than a china setting, why is it that they have to lie, to not be perceived as "tacky", and register for the china setting, as if it was important to them, and then not have had the $140 the setting costs, to put towards their closing costs on a home instead? How many hours of work will they have to do to earn that $140, after tax, to then put towards the closing costs?

I think it's important to examine in ourselves why we must label another, or their behaviour "tacky". Truthfully, at a really honest level, is this not a way for us to try to feel briefly superior to them, at the ego's deepest level? To turn up our nose and feel justified and righteous and judgemental? I think this behavior of registering for things you don't really need because they are the only "not tacky" gifts is retailers way of preying on couples to make sure they get their cut, and promote materializism, instead of people being able to concentrate on the basics that really matter - food, clothing, and shelter.

Just my honest opinion. Obviously everyone disagrees with me who has answered, so I guess society has to deem me a person of poor taste. I'm okay with it, but it does hurt, and I wish it wasn't that way! It makes me sad. I'm just so surprised how alone I am in this opinion. It just seems like simple logic to me. Why ask for an apple when you are desperate for an orange? Why is soceity so fixated on labeling one gift as okay to ask for, and another not? Ultimately, it is the gift givers choice to give what they will. But some gift givers may be truly interested in giving what is most needed, so why mislead them, and shoot your own foot in the process? Isn't that the whole point of registering in the first place?

kokobeen · May 2010

Frog78 I agree with you. Hello everyone, can we change with the times and technology? People aren't virgins when they wed...for the most part, just like most of them have been cohabiting for years prior to the wedding. The days of dowries are gone and the bride and groom often share in the expense of a wedding. If there is flexibility allowed in thise arenas, I assume it should be allowed in the registry one. Most folks will have a pretty good collection of necessary household items that are traditionally included in gift registries if they've been living together. People pay bills online and skype intercontinentally...get with the program brides of 2010...paypal is a great SECURE way to give/get monetary gifts with no hassle and maximum security. Duh. Options, options, options...just because Paypal is a choice doesn't mean there aren't other ways to give a gift or money. Have a registry with say...Macy's and crate and Barrel and also include Paypal for money options. Then for all you persnickety peeps out there YOU buy a gift and for people like MYSELF who would give money, i'll take the secure paypal route and KNOW the couple received it without hassle or folly.

taljudd · May 2010

I would say maybe Pay pal is a bit tacky. But there are some great websites out there for people how want to give cash toward something. My FI and I are registered at honeyfund.com Which lets you create a registry of things you would like to do on your honeymoon, and have people donate money to that specific thing. for instance we have a "champagne for two" on our registry. it is $50, so it is actually split into 2 gifts. 2 donations of $25. So our guests can give money toward a specific thing. you can register for everything from Airfare to Dinner to Activities. I think this kinda takes the tacky-ness out of asking for money cause they still feel like they are getting you a gift that they choose. We are obviously still retired at actual stores, for anyone who wants to give us a physical gift.

on a side note, if the bride is comfortable with asking for money for a house, then let her. I'm sure she doesn't want to get a bunch of kitchen stuff if she already has everything she needs. and a donation toward her future home will be much better appreciated. If you think it's tacky to ask for money than don't, it's your wedding.

cnasnflwrgrl · May 2010

Yes that is tacky. I think sites like Honeyfund are cool, but PayPal for your house? Uhm...not so much!

bekahjane89 · May 2010

I really think it depends on the situation. I would NEVER do this, but part of that is because it would never, ever be acceptable in our circle of family and friends. I know other families that do this though but it is expected... Any more, things that used to be "tacky" are becoming "okay"... traditional isn't the norm anymore.

All this being said I will say the same thing that I told a Bride not long ago who was asking me (I'm one of her BMs) how to politely ask for cash gifts (and her circle of family and friends is the same as mine... so it isn't really okay at all for her to). If your guest wants to give cash as a gift they will do it no matter what. People who want to give practical things as gifts will, no matter what! And people who like to give cute gifs but not as practical will. Just because you set it up for them to lean in that direction usually means they won't in the long run. I am a very practical person and I like to give practical gifts. I won't give cash as a gift, ever. I don't give gift cards either.
So all in all... consider your guests when making the decision.

Sn2BKW · May 2010

Why set up a registry with items that you really wouldn't need? Unless its something you really want to have- is my logic!! Nowadays registries like myregistry.com do this thing where you can combine several store registries into one including setting up a cash fund for whatever. If you already have everything you need then why not have a cash fund for something like a house? That's not tacky, I'm in fact having a target registry for my bridal shower but for the wedding we have a registry from our travel agency so people give us gifts on our honeymoon , if not there presence is more important than anything else that would be otherwise useless!!

bridetobe1003 · May 2010

This is soooooooo horribly tacky!

DannetteSS · May 2010

But, what's more practical than cash?

Mrs. Beckner · May 2010

Have none of you came across a gift registry for honeymoons? While I've been doing all of my planning, I have seen several of these- and it's the same basic principle. You can have people donate money for your honeymoon fund or buy you a special scuba package or something of that nature. I've also seen college fund type of registries for newborns when registering for my baby shower. Don't know exactly how I feel about it, but at least the giver may be willing to give more money if they knew their amount would be going toward something you really need-such as a house-instead of on a pair of new shoes....just a thought.

sspistolwhip84 · May 2010

I think this is a VERY tacky thing to do. You're supposed to allow guests to pick out your wedding gift, not tell them what to get you.

crawscottwed · May 2010

Wow! I don't really like that they have a direct link to paypal but I do not think that it is a bad idea to have your "Honeymoon Fund" or "Home Fund" as your registry. For example if you are getting married out of town and don't want a bunch of gifts to drag home or if you are like me and have been together with your significant other for a number of years and already have all the gadgets and goodies that you need...why not suggest something that you do need?? We did it discretely with a Honeymoon Fund link on myregistry.com. And for everyone that is getting all freaked out about it and saying that they shouldn't have a wedding if they are so broke...that is not really the idea. Weddings are thrown so that the love of your friends and family may be shared on your special day...not to go to the courthouse alone...I don't see what the difference is anyway...a regular registry is a huge list of gifts that you are asking your friends and family to buyfor you! Haha! I am just playing devils advocate...I think that you can do whatever you want for whichever situation suits you and your life and just don't worry about what other people do:)

dixontanesha · May 2010

I don't think it's tacky. She has other options and if they don't want to give money they don't have to. I think that people often don't give money because they think it's impersonal, but if people know exactly what the money is going towards such as a honeymoon or house purchase then they can feel good about giving it. Hopefully anyone that would be invited to the wedding would already think nothing but good thoughts about the couple rather than thinking they're money grubbing or selfish or whatever.

However, I'm the type of person who thinks people get way to picky about how majoirty of wedding stuff should or shouldn't be done.

olibrook · May 2010

I dont think thats the best way to go about asking for money...there are many little poems etc that give the hint without being pushy. In the end though someone that is trying their hardest to get into a house would probably prefer the $20 donation rather than one of four $20 toasters! Ive put a little poem in with my invite just saying basically that we would love to go on a honeymoon and something towards that to make it possible would be greatly appreciated...but we are quite open to the fact that some people will still bring a gift.

markandtiffany · May 2010

Setting up a Paypal link for wedding gifts is beyond tacky.

SparrowSong · May 2010

I think many people need to decline gifts all together rather than think they deserve a cash equivalent. There's a lot of greed and entitlement in this thread which really turns me off. If you're older, on your second or third marriage, have already lived together with your finance etc etc and don't need gifts maybe you just don't. need. gifts. All the reaching to justify, "well maybe our guests can just pay for a luxary vacation instead? maybe they can buy us a new house instead? maybe we can register at the car dealership? maybe they can just give us wads of cash and we can put it in a big pile and jump in it?" UGH. It's gross. It's just such a reflection of our shallow consumerist society. Nobody seems to know how to say, you know, I'm already very blessed. I don't need anything more right now but your love and friendship.

Fact is, MOST people getting married anymore have lived on their own, away from their parents for a number of years. There aren't many people who need traditional registries at all. Maybe the whole custom is out of date. Perhaps 18 year olds should register the summer they finish high school and they move away from mom and weddings should be more of a card giving occasion.

mrs.hough · May 2010

hollybee, this is the same situation my FI are in. He found honeyfund and wanted to set it up and then my Grandmother called me to say in a softer way that she thought this was tacky, so what we decided to do is to only tell a few friends about the site that we know like the idea and they can tell other people if they feel it's something they would want to do. But I have heard everything from "that's the greatest idea ever, I wish we would have had that when I got married" to thinking that some people might be offended. I personally would rather give a gift that I can wrap in a box, but that's just my style

DORIHAHN · May 2010

Super tacky!!! However, to the person who has a honeymoon registry... Not tacky!! I don't know why it translates like this, but to ask for fun perks for your honeymoon is A-OK!! People actually think this is a great idea--to be able to give a newly-wed couple a private dinner on the beach, a couples massage, or the chance to swim with dolphins is perfectly acceptable!!! Paypal... Not so much

ShellyNu · May 2010

Isn't it tacky to judge your friend in a forum like this, instead of respecting her reasons and preferences? Just had to double check.

mads01352yahoo.com · May 2010

That is awful. I am embarrassed for her...

krose0713 · May 2010

I'd say not tacky!

They want a house, not 5 chip and dip dishes. It's their wedding, let them ask for what they want. If you need cash more than blenders, toasters, and engraved champagne glasses, why not be clear and let people know.

sarah_madrid06 · May 2010

If you set up a gift registry, you are pointing out the gifts you want and expect to receive. What is the difference in setting up a cash registry? Its what she wants. She doesn't want a coffee pot, she wants a house. Its not tacky, its logical. Never assume people know the "rules" when it comes to weddings. In any event, gift or cash registry, its the same principle. They're either both tacky, or not tacky at all.

By the way, when I went to post this I read that sciencegrl08 said basically the same thing. Great minds think alike

Tacky? Just had to double-check

Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check

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