Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sleepovers with the opposite sex

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Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:461f79d3-945b-4ef3-8a73-59ed60b49200">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : I can see what you're saying, but I don't quite understand how the trusting your FI but not the other person thing goes. Even if the untrustworthy person is parading around stark naked, you can still trust your FI, you know? I'm not at all trying to say you're wrong, I'm mostly just wondering if I'm misunderstanding the idea. I know I don't trust some of DH's high school friends, but I still trust him to make good choices around them.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I've wondered this, too.  I'm not saying that people who say this DON'T really trust their SOs, I just don't really get the logic behind it.

    </div>
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  • FI and I had a fight over this very issue a few years back. He was going to Vegas with a couple guy friends who are single and thought it would be a great idea to have other girls stay in the same hotel as them. I wasn't comfortable with the situation because neither of us knew the girls.

    BUT I would be comfortable with him sleeping over at a friends house that I knew. I slept over at my guy friends house and it wasn't an issue. That being said if we had the option of staying at a place of the same sex vs. opposite I'd be inclined to stay with the same sex friend and I would expect him to do the same.

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  • FI has several close women friends and I would have no problem with them staying at his place (we are currently long distance for work reasons, so living apart) and I would never make one of my guy friends get a hotel room if he needed a place to stay. Same goes for us travelling, I wouldn't want FI to pay for a hotel room if he had a friend who offered him a place to stay, and vice versa for me.

    That said, neither of us are friends with any of our exes (except one of my high school exes who is married to my best friend - but I think marriage to my best friend cancels out ex). Our single opposite sex friends are and have always been just friends, so there isn't that sexual history that can make things seem complicated.

    Same bed would be out of the question - I (and FI) would choose the floor before sharing a bed with someone of the opposite sex who was not each other. I've platonically shared beds with guys in my single days, but wouldn't do that now.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:0244a887-c38c-487a-beee-e8c6b106ed21">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um, of course I would sleep over a platonic friend's house.  Of course my husband can sleep over a platonic friend's house. If someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat.  <strong>All this "but if they spend the night, then something might happen!!!!" is just complete bullshit and unnecessary stress to me.
    </strong>Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    Who said that? People said it was inappropriate, and therefore they aren't comfortable with it, not that their SO would be likely to cheat. Big difference.

    If H slept at a female friend's house, I do not think something would happen. Just as I wouldn't cheat sleeping at a male friend's house. But I still think the situation itself is inappropriate.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:df0acb1f-bbb0-455e-a031-3d0fc2634910">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : Who said that? People said it was inappropriate, and therefore they aren't comfortable with it, not that their SO would be likely to cheat. Big difference. If H slept at a female friend's house, I do not think something would happen. Just as I wouldn't cheat sleeping at a male friend's house. But I still think the situation itself is inappropriate.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Ah, this is what I trying to say. I kept trying to think of a way to say how I feel without making it sound like I don't trust my H, which is not the case.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:df0acb1f-bbb0-455e-a031-3d0fc2634910">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : Who said that? People said it was inappropriate, and therefore they aren't comfortable with it, not that their SO would be likely to cheat. Big difference. If H slept at a female friend's house, I do not think something would happen. Just as I wouldn't cheat sleeping at a male friend's house. But I still think the situation itself is inappropriate.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    I still see it as a whole lot of stress over nothing. 

    I feel like this entire situation is being overanalyzed.  To take the OP's situation, if my husband went up to NYC to visit friends and then decided to come all the way home at 2am instead of sleeping on his female's friend's couch, I'd wonder what was wrong with him.  It's just sleep.

    I'd prefer if he didn't do this every weekend - THAT would be inappropriate.  But once and awhile?  Sure.
  • I agree... depends on the person and the situation, but I agree with Anna that there's absolutely no reason to sleep in the same BED as someone of the opposite sex.  The couch or a recliner or whatever should suffice if they don't have a guest room.  The history matters too.  If it was an ex I'd be less okay with it, than if it was just a friend.  H has stayed with my SIL while my brother is out of town when he was skiing and stuff out in CO.  If I was out there already he'd come home, or we'd be goign there together, but why should he drive an extra hour back to Denver just cause my SIL is home without my brother.  
  • I guess I don't see what's overly stressful about it. Either you're okay with it or you're not. But it's pretty black and white for me, so there's not much to analyze (or overanalyze). It wouldn't even be a discussion with H and me, we'd just say no and that would be it.

    It's good we're on the same page, otherwise it would be stressful.
  • Sesh - I think we're agreeing in two completely different ways.  To you and your husband, the answer is always no.  For me and my husband, the answer is always yes.

    The stress I'm referring to is the past two pages of discussing the nuances of the situation and weighing the pros and cons.  I don't have time for that or even want to worry about it.  In fact, this topic hasn't even crossed my mind because it ranks that low on my radar. 

    Going to NYC?  Have a great time!  It's seems to just as simple an answer for you two, as well.  No stress for us :-)
  • It depends on the woman and the situation.  Does she have a one bedroom apartment or a guest room?  Was there every anything between them?  I trust my fiance, but would be weirded out by him staying over a friend's place if I knew there had been sexual tension in the past or if he had told me he's attracted to her.  And yes, there are friends of ours that my fiance is attracted to, one of them happens to be someone I'm attracted to too, so it makes for interesting conversations.
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  • I've had platonic sleepovers before. Including in college, when a friend of mine showed up to campus a day early, couldn't check into his room yet, and slept on the floor of my tiny single room. Wouldn't bother me. Bedsharing would bother me. Sleeping on the couch or in a spare room would not bother me.
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  • LIke others have said, it depends on the situation. FI and I know pretty much all of each other's friends. I would be cool with him staying over at his female friends' houses, and he would be ok with me staying over my male friends houses. I travel to a campout music festival every year with two of my best male friends, one of whom is married and whos wife comes with us. They share one tent, me and my other male friend share the other (it's a big tent, so we're not huddled together or anything lol). FI doesn't even bat an eyelash about it.

    I know his family finds it highly inappropriate (then again they find it inappropriate that I even have male friends, as if I'm supposed to drop old friendships because I'm now in a relationship), but it's not really any of their business.
  • I think it really depends. My only good male friend is FI's best friend, so chances are it would never happen without FI. If it did, I think FI would be uncomfortable, but he trusts us and wouldn't have a problem with it. FI has no female friends, so I would be super uncomfortable if he made a new one and slept over at her house without me. If he had a friend that he had known forever and had never had feelings for, then I think I would be okay.

    Definitely not okay if there is bed sharing, though (although I did almost sleep in the same bed as his best friend in Greece...long story).
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  • I have a good guy friend who's in a funk band that tours around the US. It's 6 guys, and they all stay with me in my studio apartment when they come to SF. DH has been off camping each time. But then again, we already knew I'm a big old' hoor ;)
  • As long as it is not in the same bed I would not have a problem with this. I have stayed at a guy friends house, actually now that I think about it I have stayed at this same guy friends house twice in the four plus years FI and I have been together. The frist time I was with a group of friends and I slept on a couch when we were all still in college and went on a road trip to visit him for the weekend. The second time I was visiting my family in Chicago, but met up with my guy friend and some of his friends and we went out drinking. I crashed on his couch and took the train back to the subburbs to my grandparents house in the morning. FI has no problem with this. We trust eachother. He has a female friend coming to visit him in the next month, she is staying at his place instead of mine because we aren't very close and I have no problem with this.
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  • Unless it was a relative, I'd say absolutely not!
  • When I say "If I didn't trust the girl, no", I mean because I would worry about her putting Noodle into a situation that he was uncomfortable with.  I fully trust my husband but I don't want him to end up in one of those awkward "hey there, it's cold in my room, can I share your blanket?" things if he doesn't have to be.  And I love him, but he is so utterly and completely clueless.
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  • edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:4b5f2222-a1a7-408c-ba65-3ce14eb35cec">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I say "If I didn't trust the girl, no", I mean because I would worry about her putting Noodle into a situation that he was uncomfortable with.  I fully trust my husband but I don't want him to end up in one of those awkward "hey there, it's cold in my room, can I share your blanket?" things if he doesn't have to be. <strong> And I love him, but he is so utterly and completely clueless.</strong>
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    That can be my FI too.  I had to explain to him why I was upset when an old female friend of his totally ignored my presence and jumped on him and wrapped her legs around his waist.  He sometimes has trouble seeing "friendly" from "flirty".

    *That said, I trust him and I wouldn't be offended if he stayed at a woman's house.  Our choices just reflect what we feel is appropriate for our relationship.
  • HeathenSwanHeathenSwan member
    First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I trust him completely. It wouldn't matter if she was single or in a relationship, I wouldn't care. He stayed with his female best friend a year ago (when we were still long distance). He slept on the couch and I was completely fine with it. She is his ex, but they were friends before and after the relationship. He had ten years between when they broke up and when he met me to get back with her, and he didn't (nor did he want to).

    I understand I'm likely in the minority here, but trusting him means trusting him in all situations.

    ETA: He wouldn't care if I stayed at a male friend's house either. It's not going to stop (or cause) cheating, so it isn't a concern for us.
  • Definitely agree that it depends. Alone with someone I don't know? I wouldn't like that. With a mutual friend and other people staying too? Totally fine. I've done that before. Well, stayed at a girl friend's house but there were guys there. We trust each other but in certain situations, I may worry a little.
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  • mizutamababymizutamababy member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I've stayed with other guy friends and DH has been OK with it.  At first he was weird about me having guy friends, but I wasn't dropping my friends for him, and once he saw for himself  they're all platonic friendships he hasn't cared since.

    In DH's case, it would depend.  Not because I have double standards, but because it would be really odd behavior for him.  He doesn't have any female friends that he hangs out with enough to spend a night at their place alone, and self-control isn't always one of his strong points.  (He's never cheated, but just in general he's the kind of person who does things without really thinking and then deeply regrets the outcome later.)

    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : I can see what you're saying, but I don't quite understand how the trusting your FI but not the other person thing goes.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    It wouldn't be hard to get my DH drunk...  it takes about 2 glasses of beer and he doesn't always remember what happened the night before.  It's not uncommon for people to take advantage of other people if they want something bad enough.
  • miclsmicls member
    First Comment
    Not a big deal to me at all. In fact, it's happened plenty of times. My FI had mostly female friends when we lived at home. They regularly went out on a night out and ended up crashing in people's houses. Once I know where he is, I'm good. Pretty sure he's slept in bed with 3 or 4 of them at some stage too, not bothered at all.

    They're just friends, he's a big boy and if anyone put him in an uncomfortable position I'm sure he could deal with it.

    Then again, my FI got upset before because a friend (internet friend he was close to but had never met) told him she loved him. He was nearly in tears telling me cos he thought I'd ask him not to talk to her anymore (we weren't together very long). He was immensely relieved when I wasn't bothered. He's the honest type and I'd have no fear of anything untoward happening.

    If there's nothing inappropriate gonna happen, I don't see how it's inappropriate jsut based on a persons gender iykwim.
  • edited March 2012

    I don't think I would have a problem with it. Most of our friends are all close to each other and in relationships. The only problem that I could foresee is putting yourself in a bad situation. For example, you male friend having underlying feelings and try to make a move, etc. Otherwise there should not be those trust issues in the way!

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