let's be honest

Brie2010 · July 2010

Kind of. My mom said, when we got engaged, "I'll contribute some money." Once we started seriously planning, I was like, "Okay, I need a number so we know WTF we can afford." She was fine with that.

We said nothing to ILs and they gave us a check of their own volition.

pumpkinpumpkin · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:3f7469ad-ef4f-43f7-b0bf-6aea64d585af">Re: let's be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes but it was still flaming.
Posted by DaniAng11[/QUOTE]

The problem being....?
I probably wouldn't have said anything if she said she already had asked. But she said she was planning on asking.

myother1 · July 2010

Pumpkin, there is a completely different tone in asking ABOUT something and asking FOR something. One speaks of curiosity, the other of entitlement.

salt78 · July 2010

We didn't ask and we wouldn't have. My parents offered.

lharri12 · July 2010

I never asked for money. I thought my dad would contribute, since he gave my sister a good chunk of money for her wedding 6 years ago. He is a CPA, and he ended up calculating how much he should give me, based on the amount he gave my sister and adjusted for inflation. He's a nerd. I appreciate a lot that he gave us enough to pay for about half of the total wedding expenses.
FI's mom keeps saying that she's going to try to help us out, and my mom says the same thing, but I keep telling them to not worry about it.

nhelene · July 2010

We planned a wedding we could pay for ourselves, and both our parents offered to contribute.

My own parents took not being directly asked for money as an insult.

parker624 · July 2010

My parents essentially planned our wedding for us, and they and FI's parents are paying for it. They were the ones that approached us and told us they were paying and for us not to worry. But its also because all sides come from huge families and everyone wants their cousins to be guests. We have a 430 person guest list, and FI and I could never have paid for that, or wanted to.

FI and I are not involved in wedding related finances at all, except what we are paying for, which is our rings, our presents for our attendants and parents, and our honeymoon.

Helene: I know my parents and FI's parents would have been insulted too.

sarabear23 · July 2010

When we got engaged, and started looking into things, my mom told me to talk to my dad about a budget. They were planning on paying for it, and they also plan to pay for my sisters. Im so greatful they did, because my wedding was amazing.

missy68 · July 2010

We decided what we could afford and looked at places within that budget. My parents offered to split the cost, keeping our budget the same, if we moved to having it in the hotel chapel. We accepted.
They ended up doing so much more than that, but nothing was asked for. They refused to let us pay them back for any of it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

"No, I wish I would have" confuses me. I mean, it's not like my parents told me, "Well, we had $10k waiting to give to you, but since you never ASKED we're taking a vacation to India instead." People know weddings cost money, so if they want to contribute, they'll bring it up, right?

FutureMrsTR · July 2010

My mom always assumed she'd be paying for my wedding and had money set aside. When we got engaged, FI's parents told us they were planning on giving us X amount of money and did we want the whole thing now to do with what we please or have them pay for a rehearsal dinner and give us the rest after the wedding. My mom took it upon herself to call my dad and ask (demand - she held the invites hostage) that he cover the guests from his side of the family even after I asked her not to.

lisalou402 · July 2010

We did not ask. My FI's parents both gave a little bit to start "the planning". Honestly, we're both 40. I'm thankful I can afford the wedding i want.

My father, however, (mom deceased) has said a whole bunch of wacky things ranging from:

"I'm just going to give you a gift at the wedding"
to
"You know I"m going to give you money for the wedding"
to
"You know, if you need help on anything monetarily, just ask"
to (and this is silly and needs an explanation, but it's funny)
"you know, we still have the GOLD to sell!"

I will not ask him for anything, but if he offers i will graciously accept. The general consensus is that he is sort of getting off on being able to say that his daughter paid for the wedding herself. He's proud, i've done well. I'm very lucky, and blessed that I don't have to navigate really through his crypitc remarks!

[Deleted User] · July 2010

We never asked, but both sides offered. We initially turned down a few offers because they were giving us too much but my mother hounded me until I agreed on the food (she and my grandma wanted to cook the food, and now I'm glad they did because it was the best meal ever). My dad and H's dad offered to cover the tent and chair rentals. The rest we paid for.

Pirata13 · July 2010

We never would have asked, but my parents have had money set aside for years for mine & my brother's weddings. So I've been very blessed that basically the entire reception is covered including the videographer & dj.

waltzingmatilda13 · July 2010

My parents made it very clear from the beginning that they would be helping. A lot. They gave us a budget and we actually came in under budget. Again, by a lot. So they gave us the rest of the money as a gift to pay for our honeymoon. In the interest of full disclosure, since we're being honest, we borrowed money from them to pay for the the part of the honeymoon we couldn't afford. I was ready to write them a check for the loan when they told me to keep it.

Jelenny · July 2010

I didn't ask.....when my brother's and I started dating my parents said we each get 5K contributed to the wedding. Since they got a vacation club they said our honeymoon would be a gift - if we wanted to bypass that then we could have 7k for the budget...

the Fi's parents jumped in and said they would give us 5k we never asked....and they have mentioned since he is an only child if budget is a concernt of mine not to worry they dont have a grandkid yet to spoild and their granddog doesn't demand too much as far as spoiling...

the fi and are putting in 5k....

so we shall see how this pans out - regardless of getting additional help, I hate asking and I don't expect anything out of anyone but I guess I am lucky with the parents supporting us.

quotequeen · July 2010

I would not have asked. However, I believe my mom called my dad to ask him if he was planning on contributing. I wish she would not have done that.

I disagree that there is a meaningful difference between asking about and asking for in this context. Both are rude.

squirrly · July 2010

My ILs offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, just asked us to plan it. So, we did.

My mom and I were having a talk one day, and I admitted that I was a bit hurt that they seemingly had no interest whatsoever in the wedding, and that we were having it in their town to make it easy for them and my grandparents. Mom said they'd been waiting for me to ask them about money. I said I wouldn't, that it wasn't right to do that, and mom said they wanted to help somehow. I said we would like to do a welcome dinner, and could we use their house. I told her we would pay for all of it, just needed a location, and somebody to pick up the food, etc. They were thrilled to host it. And they ended up paying for the food and beer. We covered the wine and N/A drinks.

My mom also randomly gave me checks to cover a few things she wanted to help with: my dress, and a little for the flowers, once my original florist disappeared and I had to go with a pricier one.

We never asked for a penny, though.

jessicarabbit501 · July 2010

right after finding out we were engaged my mom said "we are paying for it and you are not saying no" because she knows that I hate when my parents pay for anything for me. FI's parents offered to do the RD and cover the liquor for the reception.

Bubbalub · July 2010

This is my second wedding so I did not expect my parents to contribute anything. For my first wedding they told me they had x amount set aside for me to use and the rest was up to us.

My parents told me, this time around, that if there was anything I needed help with to let them know. But FI and I set a budget and we are sticking closely to it so I have not had to ask for anything yet. My FI's mother recently came in to a little bit of money and wanted to help pay for my dress so she sent me a check. FI told me to accept it graciously and not try to refuse it because it makes her so happy to have a little money to contribute. Otherwise she lives paycheck to paycheck like so many do right now and we would never feel comfortable accepting money from her before because we know how much she really needs it.

tenofcups4me · July 2010

Nobody offered and we didn't ask for our very small wedding (we've both been married before).

But the first time I got married, my parents told me they were giving me $x a few days after I told them I was engaged. We could use it for the wedding or a house downpayment if we wanted. Since we already had the house money under control, we opted to keep it for the wedding. They also paid for other individual things along the way.

Within a few weeks, I think shortly after my parents and the ex's parents met, his parents said they'd like to pay for either the band or the flowers. We gave them prices for both and they opted to pay for the band (the more expensive option). They also expected to host a rehearsal dinner, but we didn't want one, so instead they did a day-after breakfast.

pooh8402 · July 2010

we didn't ask, they offered.

iamjoesgurl · July 2010

I'd like to know why everyone seems to think that asking is rude? These are your parents. If I had asked my parents and they couldn't afford it or didn't want to pay for anything, they could have said "no". I get that asking for a gift is rude, but I'm not convinced that asking my parents for help would have been rude.

APW2010 · July 2010

I didn't expect any help, so I probably wouldn't have ever asked, but my mom let me know she was giving us money for the wedding. Actually, I asked her if I could use it for a downpayment on a house instead and have a small wedding, and she said no, it either paid for the wedding or I didn't get it

She thinks I am too practical, lol. FI is a very direct person so he asked his parents straight out if and how much they would like to contribute. Not something I would have been comfortable with, but that's the sort of relationship he has with them. I think that's what is key, the type of relationship you have with your parents.

karmellah · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:b944f756-7620-456f-b541-16e97b461b72">let's be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]How many of you or your FIs asked your parents to contribute to your wedding? I know a lot of my friends think it's perfectly acceptable to demand their parents pay for their weddings. Not me. BUT, we (not to brag) are a lot more financially stable than a lot of our friends. EDIT: I should have added an answer for your parents offering.
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]

i didnt ask for money, but my dad offered to help a little bit which might mean a cake which i'll take. but i wont be devestated if noone contributes. it ours wedding not theirs

rednesss · July 2010

Maybe it's a southern thing, but my parents and his parents told us off the bat they would help. We are paying for most of it ourselves, but if our parents could they would have paid for it all.

That is not a bad thing. That is a generous, loving thing, which our grandparents did for them before and so on.

ThePinkSuperhero · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:5a0ed777-9fae-44e7-b185-17befe96e27c">Re: let's be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd like to know why everyone seems to think that asking is rude? These are your parents. If I had asked my parents and they couldn't afford it or didn't want to pay for anything, they could have said "no". I get that asking for a gift is rude, but I'm not convinced that asking my parents for help would have been rude.
Posted by iamjoesgurl[/QUOTE]

I agree. Expecting is rude, but asking? I'm not going to flame anyone over that. H asked his parents about hosting the rehearsal dinnner (which was small and casual and therefore very cheap), and my parents hosted a post-wedding dinner.

andy71781 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:a2d38d8b-64f3-413e-89a9-13a6eeaa9c51">Re: let's be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]When we got engaged, and started looking into things, my mom told me to talk to my dad about a budget. They were planning on paying for it, and they also plan to pay for my sisters. Im so greatful they did, because my wedding was amazing.
Posted by sarabear23[/QUOTE]
Same situation here - except that my sister's wedding was last month. My dad has always said "I"ll pay for your wedding" and he gave us a certain amount based on our budget.

breaker0506 · July 2010

I come from a culture where parents to this day are the ones who put on a wedding, so even though my FI and I are paying for a good chunk of our day, my parents are also contributing. Even if they weren't already though I know I wouldn't have to ask because my parents would have offered. My FMIL is also very generous and wants to help too.

let's be honest

Re: let's be honest

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