Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

I HATE my SIL (brother's wife). Now I know that's a VERY strong statement and it's just how I feel. She's not a good person AT ALL! Background on the situation: She was nice until they got married but then she just changed. I did try in the beginning, but now I just feel nothing put pure anger and disgust for this girl. She has a bad habit of running away. I mean literally. And it's a frequent occurrence: she'll stay home for 2 weeks or a month; my brother never knows how long she'll be home. And to make matters worse they have 3 small (under 5!) children. She'll say she's going outside to make a phone call or running to the store and disappears for days or weeks. Now none of this directly involved me, so I stayed out of it, until my brother's car broke and he asked me to pick her up one time. Being that I adore my baby brother very much and I live closer to where she was, I agreed. On the trip to bring her back home, she giggled and asked why I even waisted my gas to come get her and talked trash about my brother the whole way. Not only that but she's tried to get FI's "attention". At first it was really innocent and family appropriate, but then she started text him telling him that bro is horrible to her and that's why she acts the way she does. Saying that if he was like FI that she would be a "good girl". Telling him that she's attracted to him and asking if he is to her. On more then one occasion he's come home and handed me his phone and asked me to take care of the situation. Apparently, when he didn't text or call back, she didn't get the clue. She's stolen money and things from my home; talked bad about me to MY children and friends. She even LIED to FI to try to get him to break up with me!

Well, my main problem is that-although it's killing me; I'm not inviting my brother and his wife to our wedding. I can't *just* invite him, and I REFUSE to invite her. And my parents are trying to push me into "fixing my issues" with her so that my brother can come to the wedding. I cannot even stomach the idea of being nice, let alone allow her at our wedding. I am polite when we are at family functions, although I don't engage her in convo, I answer politely when she speaks to me then walk away. But that's as far as I am willing to go.

Should I just suck it up and put them both on the guest list? I do NOT want her to be there, but like I said: I adore my baby brother and all my little nieces. I just don't need drama on our wedding day

ski2play · February 2012

Suck it up buttercup, and invite them both to the wedding. Be the better person. Her behavior is hers to own, people see it, realize it, and will know that she is the one with issues not you. Your brother needs your support.

Starfish0116 · February 2012

If you choose not to invite your brother at all, because you hate his wife, that makes you look like the asshole - not her.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

You're not inviting your own brother to your wedding? I would have walked over hot coals to have my sister at my wedding so inviting the SIL from hell seems like no big deal.

Really - you'll regret this decision if you go ahead with it.

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:46c37b69-7c10-49fa-81f4-7b7022ff72b2">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]If you choose not to invite your brother at all, because you hate his wife, that makes you look like the <font color="#ff0000">asshole</font> - not her.
Posted by Starfish0116[/QUOTE]

Although I expect negitive reactions, being called names is really inappropriate and unfair. I'm asking for advice and *trying* to convince myself that she deseves another shot, but calling me an asshole is really not helping the situation at all. Yes, the other ladie are harsh- as the truth can be, but that is just hateful and rude.

baystateapple · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:5bf214a3-b0eb-4a98-9b6a-628fe3de4835">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : Although I expect negitive reactions, being called names is really inappropriate and unfair. I'm asking for advice and *trying* to convince myself that she deseves another shot, but calling me an asshole is really not helping the situation at all. Yes, the other ladie are harsh- as the truth can be, but that is just hateful and rude.
Posted by JoshLovesJekka[/QUOTE]

She is not calling you an asshole, she is saying that you will LOOK like an asshole if you don't invite them together.

I understand that you are upset at your SIL, and I would be too if I was in your shoes. But etiquette dictates that you have to invite them together. Maybe she is a terrible person, but unfortunately, she is your brother's choice and if you decide not to invite her, you're forcing your brother to choose between his sister and his wife, and that is a terrible position to put him in.

If she IS as awful as a person as she sounds in your OP, then your brother will have to be the one to realize that. Refusing to invite her to your wedding will only make you look like the bad guy, it's not going to show him the light. Good luck.

tpender13 · February 2012

Ditto Bay -- it's not like you're being called a stupid b!tch for considering not inviting them. Not inviting your brother could harm your relationship with him, so you should suck it up and invite them both. Maybe your wedding will happen during one of her "away" times.

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:56c5edfc-8cca-4fcd-89f0-03d7ca63ff07">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : She is not calling you an asshole, she is saying that you will LOOK like an asshole if you don't invite them together. I understand that you are upset at your SIL, and I would be too if I was in your shoes. But etiquette dictates that you have to invite them together. Maybe she is a terrible person, but unfortunately, she is your brother's choice and if you decide not to invite her, <font color="#ff00ff">you're forcing your brother to choose between his sister and his wife, and that is a terrible position to put him in</font>. If she IS as awful as a person as she sounds in your OP, then your brother will have to be the one to realize that. Refusing to invite her to your wedding will only make you look like the bad guy, it's not going to show him the light. Good luck.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

<font color="#000000">I get this. That's why I'm asking for advice to help make the decision to allow this ok with me. At the moment, it's completely not. I also apologize to the other ladies, their advice was not harsh, just truthful. </font>

[Deleted User] · February 2012

This is a difficult situation. Many, many times I've seen posters say on here that if someone makes a move on your SO, steals from you, or is generally abusive, then you have every right to NOT invite them. So why is it different this time? Because it's her SIL? Not to me. I may be an asshole, but I wouldn't invite a woman who tried to get with my FI, family or not.

However, I would invite my brother, with a clear explanation as to why his wife isn't invited. If he chose not to come, then so be it. But that's me. In your case, I'd probably invite her to avoid the family blowout that will likely result from not inviting her.

baystateapple · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:1fa33d81-0f10-4c34-828c-9dd363d9c30a">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : I get this. That's why I'm asking for advice to help make the decision to allow this ok with me. At the moment, it's completely not. I also apologize to the other ladies, their advice was not harsh, just truthful.
Posted by JoshLovesJekka[/QUOTE]

But no advice that we can give you can <em>make</em> you be okay with it. That's a decision that you have to make for yourself. If you want to make it work, you decide that you're not going to allow her to ruin your wedding day or affect your relationship with your brother. You send them an invitation, and you put it out of your mind.

That's the only advice anyone can give you. It's on you to decide if you're going to "be okay" with it or not.

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:2ccec2cb-b402-4b4a-90d2-e5d6e0e6d0ec">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : But no advice that we can give you can make you be okay with it. That's a decision that you have to make for yourself. If you want to make it work, you decide that you're not going to allow her to ruin your wedding day or affect your relationship with your brother. You send them an invitation, and you put it out of your mind. That's the only advice anyone can give you. <font color="#ff00ff">It's on you to decide if you're going to "be okay" with it or not.</font>
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

You are correct. I guess one can say that I'm" grasping at straws" as to why inviting her would be a good idea.

LP11509 · February 2012

You have a year and a half until your wedding. A lot can change between now and then. What if you told your brother now that his wife isn't invited, then circumstances changed? You would have hurt your brother for no reason. Wait it out for a bit before making a decision.

dumdumfroggie · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:d11cff4a-6d0f-4dd0-bad2-a3ebdd509e39">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a difficult situation. <strong>Many, many times I've seen posters say on here that if someone makes a move on your SO, steals from you, or is generally abusive, then you have every right to NOT invite them. So why is it different this time? Because it's her SIL</strong>? Not to me. I may be an asshole, but I wouldn't invite a woman who tried to get with my FI, family or not. However, I would invite my brother, with a clear explanation as to why his wife isn't invited. If he chose not to come, then so be it. But that's me. In your case, I'd probably invite her to avoid the family blowout that will likely result from not inviting her.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with Sesh here. I'd probably invite my brother, but not his wife along with the clear explanation as to why not. Etiquette be damned, but anyone that makes a move on my FI is not getting invited to the wedding.</div>

Meegles4 · February 2012

I agree with PPs that your wedding is a ways away (assuming the ticker is correct). A lot can happen in that time, so just try to put this decision out of your mind and focus on other things.

Starfish0116 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:5bf214a3-b0eb-4a98-9b6a-628fe3de4835">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : Although I expect negitive reactions, being called names is really inappropriate and unfair. I'm asking for advice and *trying* to convince myself that she deseves another shot, but calling me an asshole is really not helping the situation at all. Yes, the other ladie are harsh- as the truth can be, but that is just hateful and rude.
Posted by JoshLovesJekka[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't say you WERE an asshole, I said it would make YOU not HER, <em>LOOK</em> like an asshole. </div><div>
</div><div>Here's the thing, your guests have no clue why you hate this woman. To an outsider with no previous knowledge it just makes you look petty and bitchy that you would choose not to have your own brother at your wedding because of his wife.</div><div>
</div><div>There are people in life we don't like. So she hit on your FI, that makes her a ho, and obviously he didn't care for or reciprocate her advances. Does that make it okay? Of course not. You don't have to like her, you don't even have to talk to her, but I would hope that you would want your brother at your wedding. How would you feel if you couldn't attend your brother's wedding because SIL didn't like you? You're asking your brother to choose between his family and his wife. If he wants to be married to someone like that it's his problem not yours. Putting that ultimatum on him will ruin your relationship with him, I can promise you that, because his wife isn't going to let that fly.</div><div>
</div><div>I hate my aunt/uncle and their conniving daughter. I really don't want to waste 6 spots on my guest list for them, but unfortunately I have to. It's my dad's only sibling and his family. I know they'll spend the whole wedding being sour pusses and making snide/snarky comments about my wedding, how much I'm spending, and how "flashy" it is. You know what, I have to invite them. There is no use letting it ruin my day being worried about it.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I apologize if you were offended. I certainly wasn't calling you names, just meaning that it will only look poorly on you if you don't invite them together.</div>

mbody · February 2012

Just suck it up for the day. You'll be so busy and with plenty of other people around, you'll hardly notice her. It just seems easier to invite her and not have any potential problems arise between you and your brother because you didn't invite his wife. Don't put him in that position that he feels like he has to choose between the two of you. Be the bigger person and let bye gones be bye gones just for that day. After the wedding, you can go back to not seeing her if you choose.

And, you have a long time until invites go out, so just let it be for now. There is no sense getting yourself worked up over it now.

dori851 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:41594d9b-b66d-41cb-8cbd-5e793f1050e6">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]Suck it up buttercup, and invite them both to the wedding. Be the better person. Her behavior is hers to own, people see it, realize it, and will know that she is the one with issues not you. Your brother needs your support.
Posted by ski2play[/QUOTE]

This.

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:ec5ea5f8-cfeb-4af9-88a9-3acb48946a45">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : I didn't say you WERE an asshole, I said it would make YOU not HER, LOOK like an asshole. <font color="#ff00ff">Here's the thing, your guests have no clue why you hate this woman</font>. To an outsider with no previous knowledge it just makes you look petty and bitchy that you would choose not to have your own brother at your wedding because of his wife. There are people in life we don't like. So she hit on your FI, that makes her a ho, and obviously he didn't care for or reciprocate her advances. Does that make it okay? Of course not. You don't have to like her, you don't even have to talk to her, but I would hope that you would want your brother at your wedding. How would <font color="#000000">you feel if you couldn't attend your brother's wedding because SIL didn't like you?</font><font color="#ff00ff"> You're asking your brother to choose between his family and his wife</font>. If he wants to be married to someone like that it's his problem not yours. Putting that ultimatum on him will ruin your relationship with him, I can promise you that, because his wife isn't going to let that fly. I hate my aunt/uncle and their conniving daughter. I really don't want to waste 6 spots on my guest list for them, but unfortunately I have to. It's my dad's only sibling and his family. I know they'll spend the whole wedding being sour pusses and making snide/snarky comments about my wedding, how much I'm spending, and how "flashy" it is. You know what, I have to invite them. There is no use letting it ruin my day being worried about it.
Posted by Starfish0116[/QUOTE]

We are having an intimate family/extremely close friend wedding. There are only 10 people, including children, who are not family members but our closest friends. So overall; yes everyone would know why they weren't invited. And I'm not trying to drive a wedge between my brother and his wife; that's why neither of them were invited. My brother understands the situation. It's my parents who are pressuring me.

And you could bet your entire world if I had known what this girl was like when my brother married her, I would NOT have gone to their wedding. I tend to stay away from people I don't like.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:e3802c74-1e4b-40e4-8a44-182f90cb22b2">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]Just suck it up for the day. <strong>You'll be so busy and with plenty of other people around, you'll hardly notice her.</strong> It just seems easier to invite her and not have any potential problems arise between you and your brother because you didn't invite his wife. Don't put him in that position that he feels like he has to choose between the two of you. Be the bigger person and let bye gones be bye gones just for that day. After the wedding, you can go back to not seeing her if you choose. And, you have a long time until invites go out, so just let it be for now. There is no sense getting yourself worked up over it now.
Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

Well that's not true. Especially with a small, intimate wedding.

OP, I'd wait it out for now since you have so long to go. But ultimately, if your parents have a problem with it, then it's their problem. If they can't see why you don't want a woman at your wedding who has stolen from you and hit on your FI, and tried to break you up, then I wouldn't care about what they think.

ggirl2001 · February 2012

I get why you hate her and why you don't want her there, however what will it do to the relationship with your brother if you do this? That would be my biggest concern. If she is as conniving and manipulative as you say, she will probably turn this around so you are the big bad biitch (at least in your brothers eyes). I don't know what's the best thing to do because only you can figure this one out.

mbody · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:6c3fc86d-e06a-4701-83a1-222813deda1b">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : <strong>Well that's not true. Especially with a small, intimate wedding.</strong> OP, I'd wait it out for now since you have so long to go. But ultimately, if your parents have a problem with it, then it's their problem. If they can't see why you don't want a woman at your wedding who has stolen from you and hit on your FI, and tried to break you up, then I wouldn't care about what they think.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
I didn't know it was a small, intimate wedding.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

I agree with Sesh on this. She hit on your FI and tried to get with him.
I also agree with those who said to wait.

Honestly, I'd be more concerned with the emotional state of your brother in this situation. He is married to a woman who neglects him and their children and just runs away. You need to be a supportive big sister and help them in getting the help they need (both individually and together). You say she was never like this before. If it was this sudden of an onset, she could have something else going on that she also needs help for. I'm not a doctor, so I could be totally off. But I think there are much bigger issues here than your decision whether or not to invite them to your wedding.

How old are they?

sweetredhead · February 2012

Honestly, I would back burner this until it's time for invitations. It would not be fun to fight this battle with your parents, brother, and SIL for the next 15 months. And pp are right. Things could change drastically in that time. So to make your decision now leaves you dealing with the fall out for a long time.

rlavach · February 2012

I'm no etiquette goddess, but I wouldn't invite her. If it was just about how she mistreats your brother, then no. Trying to flirt with my FI and then lying to get him to break up with me with more than enough justification for me. I would invite the brother, though.

Does he know that she's try to come on to your FI? If he knows that & doesn't do anything about it, I'd be worried.

mbody · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:1cf46a0c-4bb6-422d-ad1a-abe6312b6020">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel like I've read this exact scenario before. </strong>And I think you should worry about this closer to when you send out invitations. And then invite her. ETA: Or don't. But be prepared for that decision to have possible repercussions with your brother.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
She posted it on Moms and Maids maybe 5 days ago?

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:43d9172f-f86e-4b2d-ae92-5ef1726dd181">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Sesh on this. She hit on your FI and tried to get with him. I also agree with those who said to wait. Honestly, I'd be more concerned with the emotional state of your brother in this situation. He is married to a woman who neglects him and their children and just runs away. You need to be a supportive big sister and help them in getting the help they need (both individually and together). You say she was never like this before. If it was this sudden of an onset, she could have something else going on that she also needs help for. I'm not a doctor, so I could be totally off. But I think there are much bigger issues here than your decision whether or not to invite them to your wedding. How old are they?
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

My brother is 26 and his wife is 24.

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:169ea730-eb3c-4481-9b91-79bb5eba5b41">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : She posted it on Moms and Maids maybe 5 days ago?
Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

Yes.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:a87b13a7-bcd5-48f2-982a-d7bac85a1668">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : And you could bet your entire world if I had known what this girl was like when my brother married her, I would NOT have gone to their wedding. <strong>I tend to stay away from people I don't like.</strong>
Posted by JoshLovesJekka[/QUOTE]

<div>I was sympathizing with you up until this point. I get that she hit on your FI and that is <em>beyond</em> messed up, but the bolded part just sounds immature. You're an adult now and part of that means having to politely interact with people you just "don't like" sometimes. Whether it's a relative or a coworker or a crazy SIL, your job as a responsible, mature adult is to be able to do the polite thing. In this case that means you invite your brother along with your SIL. </div><div>
</div>

JoshLovesJekka · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:b1e27527-7ee7-4d48-ad56-58e7259148eb">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm no etiquette goddess, but I wouldn't invite her. If it was just about how she mistreats your brother, then no. Trying to flirt with my FI and then lying to get him to break up with me with more than enough justification for me. I would invite the brother, though. <font color="#ff00ff">Does he know that she's try to come on to your FI?</font> If he knows that & doesn't do anything about it, I'd be worried.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

Yes because I blew up when my FI came home and told me to "handle her" when she asked if he found her as attractive as she found him. She and my brother got into an argument and he asked her to leave (the first and ONLY time) but after about 2 months, she begged and he allowed her to come back into the home.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

Here's the thing - we can all tell you what etiquette "allows" you to do, and offer our own opinions on what we think you should do, but at the end of the day, you have to decide what you can live with. It sounds from your post like if you don't invite her, you will create a rift with your brother. Maybe that's okay with you. It could be the kind of tough love he needs to get himself out of a bad situation. But maybe not - maybe what your brother really needs is family support, and what you'll do by excluding her is drive him further into her arms. Or maybe some entirely different third option that I'm too lazy to think of would happen. Only you know your brother well enough to know what the outcome of not inviting his wife to your wedding would be, and only you can decide if you can live that particular outcome.

(Side note, I personally agree with Sesh on this one - didn't we just tell a poster yesterday she could uninvite her bridesmaid's boyfriend for inappropriate sexual behavior towards the bride? I don't feel like this is different, conceptually. That said, if this was my brother and I thought not inviting the ho-bag would mean my brother wouldn't come to my wedding, I'd suck it up and invite her in order to make sure he was there, but again, that's just my personal call. I can't say what would work best for you, OP.)

HeathenSwan · February 2012

My brother's wife is similar to yours. She's not hit on my fiance (hasn't met him), but she is condescending to my mother, has left my brother several times, has cheated, and is a hypocrite. She also has a daughter in her early teens who has a lot of problems (my brother's step daughter, though he's raised her since she was under two). Wife allows this kid to disrespect my brother, and takes the kid's side if my brother tries to discipline her for being harsh with the two younger kids. I've tried to give him help and advice, and while he knows what she is doing is wrong, he loves his kids more than he hates what she does.

That said, I love my brother and couldn't imagine him not being there. I'll invite the whole family, including this shrew (who goes back and forth between being married, and not at a whim). If she causes drama, I'm going to sit her with my fmil, who can out-passive aggressive ANYONE. I think you'll regret not having him there more than you'll notice the beeyotch. He must be aware of her insanity.

(On another note: Your brother should keep track of these disappearances, in case she decides to leave for good and try to take the kids. He might be able to use that to his advantage in court with custody.)

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