Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

Habs2Hart · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:aeaa1e96-2ac8-4eeb-a921-b4d8c977fa82">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with most PPs. If it will make you uncomfortable to have him at the wedding, then have your FI or FMIL have a conversation with FSIL and let her know that because of the fact that you don't know him and that he just got out of jail, you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him but that she is still welcome to come alone. I think sometimes people try to bend etiquette rules to fit into situations that just don't require proper etiquette. <strong>It's not normal to be an ex-con (if incarceration was warranted) so you shouldn't be expected to treat them by "normal" etiquette rules.</strong> It is unfortunate that you aren't closer to FSIL and that you haven't had the opportunity to get to know her husband; maybe that would change your opinion of him. It may be a bit judgemental to excludde him but your wedding day isn't the day to test out your charity. Maybe if you were having a backyard BBQ or something like that. But hey, that's coming from someone who isn't inviting her own sister to her wedding.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

Holy judgemental batman!

I mean, if he were a serial killer, a rapist, or a child molester, sure I could understand a bit more, but inviting him is putting nobody at harm at all.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:aeaa1e96-2ac8-4eeb-a921-b4d8c977fa82">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with most PPs. If it will make you uncomfortable to have him at the wedding, then have your FI or FMIL have a conversation with FSIL and let her know that because of the fact that you don't know him and that he just got out of jail, you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him but that she is still welcome to come alone. I think sometimes people try to bend etiquette rules to fit into situations that just don't require proper etiquette. It's not normal to be an ex-con (if incarceration was warranted) so you shouldn't be expected to treat them by "normal" etiquette rules. It is unfortunate that you aren't closer to FSIL and that you haven't had the opportunity to get to know her husband; maybe that would change your opinion of him. It may be a bit judgemental to excludde him but your wedding day isn't the day to test out your charity. Maybe if you were having a backyard BBQ or something like that. But hey, that's coming from someone who isn't inviting her own sister to her wedding.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So basically, if he did something illegal, he is no longer worthy of being treated like a human being?</div><div>
</div><div>This makes me sick.

</div>

emmmbeee · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:32d7defd-e71f-4de7-8bab-04ecc125642e">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : So basically, if he did something illegal, he is no longer worthy of being treated like a human being? This makes me sick.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

That's certainly NOT what I said. If you go back and read my post you will see where I mentioned that it would be great if OP could have gotten to know FSIL's husband, then maybe she'd feel more comfortable inviting him. How does excluding someone from a wedding invite not treat them like a human? That's a riduclous leap to make.

emmmbeee · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:786f642b-b1f3-4fbd-aac2-c7d8deced169">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : Holy judgemental batman! I mean, if he were a serial killer, a rapist, or a child molester, sure I could understand a bit more, but inviting him is putting nobody at harm at all.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

That's not necessarily true. OP mentioned that it's suspected that he's still dealing. What if he brings some of the business around at her wedding? And like I said, I have firsthand knowledge of what it's like to deal with a drug dealer and addict. In my circumstances that person was prone to other illicit activity.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:b8a1559f-2327-4ee3-b651-c6a650591683">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : That's certainly NOT what I said. If you go back and read my post you will see where I mentioned that it would be great if OP could have gotten to know FSIL's husband, then maybe she'd feel more comfortable inviting him. How does excluding someone from a wedding invite not treat them like a human? That's a riduclous leap to make.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

<div>What you said was that since he has a conviction, that normal etiquette rules don't apply to him.</div><div>
</div><div>Etiquette is a set of social rules for basic human interaction. Saying that his conviction is an excuse to not treat him the way you would treat any other human being is treating him subhuman. Not much of a jump. </div><div>
</div><div>And it's disgusting. </div>

Habs2Hart · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:4d2ec6e4-7864-44a3-935d-9c34a20f17fa">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : That's not necessarily true. OP mentioned that it's suspected that he's still dealing. What if he brings some of the business around at her wedding? And like I said, I have firsthand knowledge of what it's like to deal with a drug dealer and addict. In my circumstances that person was prone to other illicit activity.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

That's a pretty broad generalization. Just because your ONE example of a person who dealt was prone to other illicit activities does not mean everyone who's ever dealt drugs is. Hell, I know a few (one whom is very very close to me) who have in the past. They are changed. The guy who "blow" is based on is invited to my wedding. People change.

You can't not treat someone like a "normal" human being because they once got into trouble. It's not fair. They paid their time. She suspects he may be dealing again. But going off a suspicion that he may be dealing to her thinking he'll be dealing at her wedding is a pretty far stretch.

jenjenaz · May 2011

tell him that the best man is a DEA agent. that should take care of the problem.

(kidding!)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:9f6d5641-ac5b-438a-9494-699594eccff2">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]The man who once ran one of the biggest drug cartels in the world is invited to our wedding. People change.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

One of our GMs used to deal cocaine and served time for it, come to think of it. He's one of the greatest guys I know. He introduced me to my husband.

I also highly doubt someone dealing drugs will be disruptive at a wedding. HIGHLY doubt.

emmmbeee · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:ed24946a-692e-4a4b-91b7-e4e032744059">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : What you said was that since he has a conviction, that normal etiquette rules don't apply to him. Etiquette is a set of social rules for basic human interaction. Saying that his conviction is an excuse to not treat him the way you would treat any other human being is treating him subhuman. Not much of a jump. And it's disgusting.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

You're right, etiquette is a set of social rules for basic human interaction. And he obviously didn't have respect for social rules when he violated the law. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be respected in any manner at all. I'm not telling the OP to spit on him. I encouraged her to try and have a relationship with him. Excluding him from a wedding invite is not "treating him subhuman". That's just a stretch.

emmmbeee · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:4525a44e-e489-4e31-beb5-10fde6e13600">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : That's a pretty broad generalization. Just because your ONE example of a person who dealt was prone to other illicit activities does not mean everyone who's ever dealt drugs is.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

That's why I said in MY particular circumstance, not in EVERY circumstance. I just think that the OP should be wary of his behavior.

Stackeye210 · May 2011

emmmbeee - etiquette is black and white. You can CHOOSE to not adhere to the guidelines, however they don't magically change because of some unique circumstances.

When someone goes to jail they pay their debt to society. Ex-convicts have a hard enough time making it in this world when they get out because they are automatically judged by people like you. THey are never given a chance to re-enter society with a clean slate - which is the reasont there are so many repeat offenders.

Maybe if people would show this man compassion and encourage him to stay on the right track instead of shunning him for actions that he has done his time in jail for - well then maybe we'd have less repeat offenders.

Ever think about that? Where is your tolerance?

And lets be realistic. Even if he is still dealing he's not going to have people coming to the reception to sell drugs to. You have to have a little trust in people.

Perhaps you need to go watch the link I posted today about forgiveness.

Habs2Hart · May 2011

Emmmbee, you're just busting with forgiveness and compassion aren't you?

Wow. you do know people can change right?

Have you never made a mistake before? Have you ever gone over the speed limit? Because that too is breaking the law.

Ghoti · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:3b7d7381-3688-424e-8ea7-79100d4b17a8">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : You're right, etiquette is a set of social rules for basic human interaction. And he obviously didn't have respect for social rules when he violated the law. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be respected in any manner at all. I'm not telling the OP to spit on him. I encouraged her to try and have a relationship with him. Excluding him from a wedding invite is not "treating him subhuman". That's just a stretch.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]
So you've never EVER broken a law? You always go exactly the speed limit? Never rolled through a stop sign? Jay walked? That's it, you're not invited to my wedding.

Celles · May 2011

My friend's semi-estranged husband both does and deals drugs. He came to my wedding as her plus one and was a perfect gentleman.

I don't approve of what he does and I encourage her daily to leave him (among other things, he is cheating on her and doesn't intended to stop), but he was very kind to me at the wedding and I was as gracious to him as I was to all of my other guests.

Point being: even criminals have social skills.

laurenclaire1386 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:4d2ec6e4-7864-44a3-935d-9c34a20f17fa">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : That's not necessarily true. OP mentioned that it's suspected that he's still dealing. <strong>What if he brings some of the business around at her wedding? </strong> And like I said, I have firsthand knowledge of what it's like to deal with a drug dealer and addict. In my circumstances that person was prone to other illicit activity.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]
Seriously? Really? Do you really think weddings are where a drug dealer's target demographic hangs out?

sarabellam · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:1ba97d2f-7933-4e4a-84ab-20f8bae783c7">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE] I personally would be a little <strong>weary </strong>to invite a known drug dealer (I think you said he is still dealing) to my wedding. Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]

Why in the world would inviting a known drug dealer to your wedding make you tired?

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:3b7d7381-3688-424e-8ea7-79100d4b17a8">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : You're right, etiquette is a set of social rules for basic human interaction. And he obviously didn't have respect for social rules when he violated the law. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be respected in any manner at all. I'm not telling the OP to spit on him. I encouraged her to try and have a relationship with him. Excluding him from a wedding invite is not "treating him subhuman". That's just a stretch.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, he did break the law. And he paid his debt, and now he is free. The state has decided that he has been sufficiently punished. So you have no right to continue to punish him by treating him like crap. </div><div>
</div><div>And it may not be as phsyically disgusting as spitting on him, but treating him different than any other person is a very public attack, and is no better than spitting on him. </div><div>
</div><div>Refusing to extend common human courtesy is treating him subhuman. </div>

Ghoti · May 2011

i2i Habs

jenjenaz · May 2011

i'm not sure that i'd go as far as to say that not inviting someone to a wedding is treating them as subhuman. FI and I have a friend and we're semi-friends with his sister - but she just makes me uncomfortable with the way that she is around guys. we're inviting the entire 'smith' family (both brothers, their SOs and their mom), but not her. i don't feel i'm treating her as sub human. i'm just recognizing that i feel uneasy around her and therefore don't really want her there.
(note - this was also the woman who invited me to 2 or 3 of her bridal showers / bachelorette parties, but then my ex-H and i weren't even invited to the wedding...which i find a bit tacky.)

that being said, this is an etiquette forum, and etiquette does state that you should invite the husband (regardless of what you think of their marriage). from a strictly etiquette standpoint, you either invite both or none.

leia1979 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6a74e590-d279-4c84-a92e-0bdd3ee9ea78">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : Seriously? Really? Do you really think weddings are where a drug dealer's target demographic hangs out?
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Everyone knows people don't bring cash to weddings, anyway.

AbbeyS2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:aeaa1e96-2ac8-4eeb-a921-b4d8c977fa82">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with most PPs. If it will make you uncomfortable to have him at the wedding, then have your FI or FMIL have a conversation with FSIL and let her know that because of the fact that you don't know him and that he just got out of jail, you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him but that she is still welcome to come alone. I think sometimes people try to bend etiquette rules to fit into situations that just don't require proper etiquette. <strong> It's not normal to be an ex-con (if incarceration was warranted) so you shouldn't be expected to treat them by "normal" etiquette rules. </strong>It is unfortunate that you aren't closer to FSIL and that you haven't had the opportunity to get to know her husband; maybe that would change your opinion of him.<strong> It may be a bit judgemental to excludde him but your wedding day isn't the day to test out your charity. </strong>
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

It is not normal? Walk down a busy street and look around you - by your definition (being incarcerated)over half the people around you are ex-cons. In your office,on the bus, and yes, even here on the Knot. By your definition, I am an ex-con, since I have been in jail.

I like how you put (if incarceration were warranted). Ummm, last time I checked, people who get arrested go to jail for a short time at least, and after conviction, usually have jail time, although not always. There are innocent people in jails, as well as guilty ones.

AbbeyS2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:2674664c-c750-4f9d-911d-96be38108840">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : Yes, he did break the law. And he paid his debt, and now he is free. The state has decided that he has been sufficiently punished. So you have no right to continue to punish him by treating him like crap. And it may not be as phsyically disgusting as spitting on him, but treating him different than any other person is a very public attack, and is no better than spitting on him. Refusing to extend common human courtesy is treating him subhuman.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

i2i MNIN :)

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:4f197af9-6ac6-4eed-acf2-3fc938b0a9f5">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]i'm not sure that i'd go as far as to say that not inviting someone to a wedding is treating them as subhuman. FI and I have a friend and we're semi-friends with his sister - but she just makes me uncomfortable with the way that she is around guys. we're inviting the entire 'smith' family (both brothers, their SOs and their mom), but not her. i don't feel i'm treating her as sub human. i'm just recognizing that i feel uneasy around her and therefore don't really want her there. (note - this was also the woman who invited me to 2 or 3 of her bridal showers / bachelorette parties, but then my ex-H and i weren't even invited to the wedding...which i find a bit tacky.) that being said, this is an etiquette forum, and etiquette does state that you should invite the husband (regardless of what you think of their marriage). from a strictly etiquette standpoint, you either invite both or none.
Posted by jenjenaz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's not the fact of not inviting him. It's the fact of refusing to extend common manners and invite him with his wife, because he has a criminal history and is therefore not entitled to be treated with etiquette. </div><div>
</div><div>If you were inviting this woman's husband, but excluding her, it would be a totally different story. Just leaving them off the guest list altogether is fine.

</div>

jenjenaz · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:62a86537-7168-47b7-8e3a-ff1de7aa2496">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you were inviting this woman's husband, but excluding her, it would be a totally different story. Just leaving them off the guest list altogether is fine.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
i know it's not the same situation, was just trying to say that i don't feel that, regardless of how rude it may be, not inviting someone to a wedding is quite as dramatic as treating them as sub-human.

agreed, it's completely rude and against etiquette.

i'm a bit stumped why the OP even asked the question - given the other post mentioned, seemed pretty clear that he wasn't going to be invited. regardless of whether it is correct etiquette or not.

jrkjpf · May 2011

I really do think you would be wrong to not invite them because of jail time. And in many cultures, it is acceptable to "see other people" while a husband is away, jail, travel, etc. Not saying i agree with it, but who is to say he never agreed to it.

If that was the case, FI would never get invited to a wedding again, i think I may ask him to not come to our wedding too since he has done time for driving without a lisence <----Insert sarcasm

jrkjpf · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:aeaa1e96-2ac8-4eeb-a921-b4d8c977fa82">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with most PPs. If it will make you uncomfortable to have him at the wedding, then have your FI or FMIL have a conversation with FSIL and let her know that because of the fact that you don't know him and that he just got out of jail, you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him but that she is still welcome to come alone. I think sometimes people try to bend etiquette rules to fit into situations that just don't require proper etiquette. It's not normal to be an ex-con (if incarceration was warranted) so you shouldn't be expected to treat them by "normal" etiquette rules. It is unfortunate that you aren't closer to FSIL and that you haven't had the opportunity to get to know her husband; maybe that would change your opinion of him. It may be a bit judgemental to excludde him but your wedding day isn't the day to test out your charity. Maybe if you were having a backyard BBQ or something like that. But hey, that's coming from someone who isn't inviting her own sister to her wedding. EDIT: I just went back and read the post where OP gave the reason for incarceration and that seems like good enough reason to me. Especially if it's suspected that he's still dealing. If he deals drugs he could be capable of a lot more, including doing drugs. No one wants someone strung out at their wedding. My sister isn't invited to my wedding because she's a drug addict that also sells. After dealing with her firsthand, ruining Christmas and birthday parties that she showed up to high, I won't invite her to another event until I know that she's clean and rehabilitated. You have to consider that this is a unique situation. It's not like OP is saying she just doesn't like FSIL's husband who, to everyone else, is a normal, committed husband.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

Again, in relation to my post. If a person has done time, traffic, credit, drugs, etc...they are not to be treated as a human and forgiven for the mistakes they made and learned from. Shame on you! Better hope the next wedding you are invited to don't run background checks first.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:95f9eea6-2b1b-4721-b44b-b592dbc85486">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : i know it's not the same situation, was just trying to say that i don't feel that, regardless of how rude it may be, not inviting someone to a wedding is quite as dramatic as treating them as sub-human. agreed, it's completely rude and against etiquette. i'm a bit stumped why the OP even asked the question - given the other post mentioned, seemed pretty clear that he wasn't going to be invited. regardless of whether it is correct etiquette or not.
Posted by jenjenaz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I guess I just see etiquette and manners as basic human decency, and therefore treating someone different because of their status in life is treating them less than human. </div><div>
</div><div>If you are just rude to everyone, it's different. But to single someone out to be rude to is where I see the less than a regular person.

</div>

HappinessByTheKilowatt · May 2011

So, what about all the people at your wedding that may or may not do drugs or sell drugs in their private lives who just haven't been caught? I bet there are more of those than you think. I myself am a former user and dealer. Since I was never caught and convicted, does that make me a better person than him? More worthy of a wedding invitation? You wouldn't know that about my past, and it wouldn't harm anyone for me to be at that wedding (and wouldn't have back then, either).

It never occurred to me to take extra to sell to wedding guests at events I attended back in those days. Clearly I missed an opportunity. (joke)

sweetheartgirley · May 2011

Get over it, and invite them. If its that big of a deal to you and your sister, then invite neither of them, but she is the sister of your intended, so if you are willing to burn that bridge you may not care enough about him.

Doesn't feel so good to have your commitment questioned does it?

pearlaqua · May 2011

OP: You are judging.

Then again, I guess I am judging you because I would never marry into a family with any sort of THAT element. (nose in air)

Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

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