A tricky situation
I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception.
I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party.
When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason.
Re: A tricky situation
[QUOTE]I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception. I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party. When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason. I understand that weddings are expensive but it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that they would exclude one person because of a gift. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she’d only be comfortable talking about it face to face and has since avoided me. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I don’t think there is really anything I can do about, however, I would love any advice or input on the situation. Many thanks to all.
Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I would rethink my friendship with anyone who excluded a good friend based solely on what type of gift he may or may not give. She sounds like a spoiled bitch.
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Sadly I don't think there's much of anything you can do about it. It's her and her family's decision who to invite.
But that is a horrible, awful, no-good, very bad reason for not inviting someone.
Doesn't it suck when someone's lousy personality starts to show through?
ETA: fixed a grammatical mistake
2. There isn't really anything you can do.
I don't think I could be friends with someone like that. I'd feel like I was only good enough to be her friend when I had enough money to be.
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Bloggy Mel.
ttc chart
BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
I'd be tempted not to get her a gift myself.
I agree with PP that it's not your place to dictate their guest list, but I think it is your place as a friend to tell her you think she's being a terrible person. Though more tactfully...
[QUOTE]I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception. I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party. When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason. I understand that weddings are expensive but it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that they would exclude one person because of a gift. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she’d only be comfortable talking about it face to face and has since avoided me. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I don’t think there is really anything I can do about, however, I would love any advice or input on the situation. Many thanks to all.
Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]
Your MOH and her mother sound lovely. [/sarcasm] Sadly, there is nothing you can do and it's none of your business, anyway. It's her guest list and if she wants to act like a gift-grabby twat, then that's her prerogative.
I would not mention it to your ex-FI, either. Just as it's none of your business who your MOH does or does invite to her own wedding, it is not your place to tell him whether or not his is invited.
Sorry you have such a short-sighted friend.
ETA: I agree with PPs, though, that if one of my BEST friends did/said this, you can bet your ass I would be telling her what a rude, entitled bitch she's being. But beyond that it's her choice.
[QUOTE]Oh and I don't think I'd take a gift to the wedding.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]
I'd bring one of those money cards, and just sign it without putting any cash in there.
Yes, I am that petty of a bitch.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A tricky situation : I'd bring one of those money cards, and just sign it without putting any cash in there. Yes, I am that petty of a bitch.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
I don't think that's petty. I think not inviting someone because they might not give a gift is petty.
I doubt anything I say will make a difference in her attitude. It's not my place to influence the guest list and unfortunately I dont think there's much to do to get him on the list. I suspect it will cause a major rift in our circle because it will piss off a lot of people to exclude based on income or gift potential...
I wonder, should talk to him about it? I realize that you cant always invite everyone you know to a wedding, but she's going along acting like he would be invited, knowing that he is not. I feel as if he has the right to know. Should I tell him? Maybe not the actual reason, but just so he isnt blind-sighted? Should I encourage her fiance to maybe say something to him?
[QUOTE]You know, I'm assuming this is your best friend, since you're the MOH. If my BEST friend said this to me, I'd tell her she was being a bitch. This is crappy, and a good friend tells you when you're being crappy. Of course you can't dictate her guest list, but you can tell her when she's being awful.
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]
This.<div>
</div><div>If I was being a bridezilla sized beyotch I'd sure as hell want someone to tell me. But seing as she's a Princess is clearly having a PPD (Pretty Princess Day) then she probably wouldn't take whatever you'd say seriously. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to A tricky situation : I would rethink my friendship with anyone who excluded a good friend based solely on what type of gift he may or may not give. She sounds like a spoiled bitch.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
This.
[QUOTE]Thanks for the input. I really am beginning to see her true colors. We are close but there has always been a Princess vibe to her. i didnt realize how deep it actually went..... I doubt anything I say will make a difference in her attitude. It's not my place to influence the guest list and unfortunately I dont think there's much to do to get him on the list. I suspect it will cause a major rift in our circle because it will piss off a lot of people to exclude based on income or gift potential... I wonder, should talk to him about it? I realize that you cant always invite everyone you know to a wedding, but she's going along acting like he would be invited, knowing that he is not. I feel as if he has the right to know. Should I tell him? Maybe not the actual reason, but just so he isnt blind-sighted? Should I encourage her fiance to maybe say something to him?
Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]<div>I think it would cause more hurt for you to say anything to him. Its not your place to know or publicize her guest list. If he doesn't get an invitation, and asks you, you shoud refer him to the bride and act like you had no knowledge of the situation, because in all fairness, you should be completely in the dark about the guest list situation.</div><div>If she doesn't care if he gets hurt, then make sure its HER that does the hurting of the feelings and don't get yourself involved. Don't be her lackey, and don't stir the pot, unless you want to lose her as a friend altogether (which might not be a bad thing after all).
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[QUOTE]You know, I'm assuming this is your best friend, since you're the MOH. If my BEST friend said this to me, I'd tell her she was being a bitch. This is crappy, and a good friend tells you when you're being crappy. Of course you can't dictate her guest list, but you can tell her when she's being awful.
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]
And this.
Did she give you a financial questionaire before selecting you to be her MOH? Ha.
But really I wouldn't say anything, just in case she at the last minute decides to invite him. She may try to make it look like you are trying to 'start trouble'.
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BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
As another PP has said, I would rethink this friendship.
Don't let on to him that you know anything even when he discovers he is invited. Let her do the explaining.
I saw your comment saying that nothing you would say would change her mind, then I think you should just stay out of it.
I would not think as hard about what gift to give her and give her some of the stuff I dislike giving.
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If you're close enough to be her MOH, I think it would be smart to level with her and give her your honest reaction. I tend to err on the side of putting EVERYTHING out there, so I might honestly say something like "Jane, I really need to let you know that I was shocked and disappointed when you said that you weren't inviting John because you didn't think he'd bring a gift. This doesn't sound like the Jane that I know, and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around inviting people based on what gift they would get you. Would you demote me from being your MOH if I lost my job and couldn't afford to buy you a gift?"
If this doesn't reality-check her, I'd consider bowing out. If she's doing this to him, what'll stop her from doing this to you? IMO, silence implies agreement, or at least neutrality. I wouldn't be able to keep myself from saying something.
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