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lunarsongbird
member
I'm a cranky bird.
So Andrew is worried that his parents might "perceive him as being lazy."
Then maybe he should stop playing civilization and start looking for a job, hm?
He says he's going to Denver to speak with the people he interviewed with last month at 1...so that will at least be good. But what about the 6 hours he wasted on the computer dominating a fake China (or whatever?)
I'll talk to him in a couple days about this if it doesn't get better. He specifically asked me to "let him do it on his own..." before we moved. So we'll see...
I love Andrew so so much, but he's kinda just fallen into all of his jobs. He's never had to find a job. It's hard work. Awful, sad, deflating, hard, hard work...
So back to loving Andrew- I really, really do...but this will be an interesting time for our relationship. I can't be with someone who isn't going to work his arse off to support my future family. I've always been upfront with this, so it won't be a big surprise and I don't think it's unfair to ask.
I've already updated my resume- why can't he update his three page (!!!) resume?
Oh- and you may be thinking, "but Deanna...come on...his mom has cancer. He's supporting her and helping her around the house right now." Nope- that's not happening either.
End of Cranky Rant.
Then maybe he should stop playing civilization and start looking for a job, hm?
He says he's going to Denver to speak with the people he interviewed with last month at 1...so that will at least be good. But what about the 6 hours he wasted on the computer dominating a fake China (or whatever?)
I'll talk to him in a couple days about this if it doesn't get better. He specifically asked me to "let him do it on his own..." before we moved. So we'll see...
I love Andrew so so much, but he's kinda just fallen into all of his jobs. He's never had to find a job. It's hard work. Awful, sad, deflating, hard, hard work...
So back to loving Andrew- I really, really do...but this will be an interesting time for our relationship. I can't be with someone who isn't going to work his arse off to support my future family. I've always been upfront with this, so it won't be a big surprise and I don't think it's unfair to ask.
I've already updated my resume- why can't he update his three page (!!!) resume?
Oh- and you may be thinking, "but Deanna...come on...his mom has cancer. He's supporting her and helping her around the house right now." Nope- that's not happening either.
End of Cranky Rant.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm a cranky bird.
And as for the not helping his mom around the house and everything..that is not really excusable. That absolutely needs addressed IMO.
*HUGS!*
Thankfully BF went back to school and will be out and on a great career path in less than a year now. I can honestly look back and say I didn't push, which i'm glad about. I did let him know what I needed before even considering marriage, and I do think it's important to be honest about the roles you see each other having in said future marriage - but aside from that, patience is key. (Not easy, but key!)
I hope he gets out of his rut soon! Until then, feel free to vent as much as necessary. And hey - now that you're actually here we should get together for coffee or something sometime soon!
[QUOTE]Honestly, if you knew all of this going in, why did you move across states with him?
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
Because I'm really hopeful, very much in love, and mildly dumb. ;)
I just asked him, "When are you going to update your resume?" And he said, "Today- before I go into Denver."
I'm not mad- just a bit cranky. He always gets everything done that I ask him too and I don't mind asking. But I'm beginning to hate Civilization. I think he will get a job- he just operates a lot differently then I do.
[QUOTE]And hey - now that you're actually here we should get together for coffee or something sometime soon!
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
::claps:: I agree! Are there any movies that you want to see that are out?
I agree with giving him a few more days and then giving him a good kick in the pants. He needs to get motivated and he sounds a little like he's avoiding the stress of looking for a job and taking care of mom by burying his head in the sand (or video games). I hope things turn around for you!
In the meantime, I have been doing the dishes and helping in any way that I can. Sons just behave a lot differently then daughters, I think. For the most part, I believe that daughters/women are natural caregivers- and sons/men aren't as good. ::shrugs:: It's a big generalization though, I know.
[QUOTE]Andrew sounds like my BF, pre-break up. He was doing stuff (mainly working a craptastic retail job that was going NOWHERE), and didn't seem to take it seriously.<strong> I think you need to have a serious (but not shrill) talk with Andrew about both of your expectations.
</strong>Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
Agreed. In fact, we're going to sit down with his entire family and have a discussion about expectations. I think his parents are also expecting him to be looking for a job while we are living rent-free under their roof. Only seems fair.
And maybe to cut him some slack- he hasn't really had any downtime to play a few hours of videogames for over a week- since he started packing. We've been spending time with his family, cooking, ect. He "recharges his battery by having some alone time"
So maybe after today he'll be all set to go. I'll keep you updated. :)
You should be able to talk to him. If he knows that you have boundaries, he will probably try to please you within them. (IE: I need you to get a job in the next month so we can move out, and get life started!)
I dunno.
Men never respond well to harsh criticism and bribes. Best of luck... hugs.... feel ffree to vent away whenever you need
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : ::claps:: I agree! Are there any movies that you want to see that are out?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
The only thing i've seen in the theater in months is Kung Fu Panda 2...which I HIGHLY recommend! (I think it was just as good as the first!!)
Anyway...i'm game for anything, as long as it's not scary because i'm a total wimp! haha. Any good chick flicks or funnies out right now? Anyone else have a recommendation?
I only work 1/2 days on Fridays and have no solid plans for this coming Saturday...so PM me with what would work for you and we'll find a place to meet in the middle. BETH - any interest in a movie with Lunar and me? I have yet to meet you too!
Who wants to fly out to CO to meet? LOL
Maybe Midnight in Paris? I don't like Owen Wilson- but it looks like it has good reviews.
I'm learning a whole new perspective on relationships reading Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice. It's by the same author as the Men are from Mars and Women are from venus. I'm just a couple chapters in but I've learned a lot about how hormones make us different. Apparently, men reduce their stress by sitting around whereas that same activity makes stress worse for women. Also, testosterone essentially causes the whole, must not plan anything and do everything in a emergency. To be honest, I hate learning that this behaviour is NORMAL for men because it drives me insane but I'm working on it.
Might be a good book to read so you can figure out ways to cope and not drive yourself crazy.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
When I asked him about his resume- he sounded pretty jovial and not at all defensive. I will take this as a good sign.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : Agreed. In fact, we're going to sit down with his entire family and have a discussion about expectations. I think his parents are also expecting him to be looking for a job while we are living rent-free under their roof. Only seems fair. And maybe to cut him some slack- he hasn't really had any downtime to play a few hours of videogames for over a week- since he started packing. We've been spending time with his family, cooking, ect. <strong>He "recharges his battery by having some alone time" </strong>So maybe after today he'll be all set to go. I'll keep you updated. :)
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
I totally understand this. This is me, too. Classic introvert.
I think he probably just needs time to adjust to the move, and it's got to be hard dealing with his mom being sick.
Nursey is absolutely right that men don't respond well to bribes or harsh criticism, let alone threats or cajoling. He does sounds like he needs a kick in the pants, after maybe a little more time adjusting. However, you can't really outwardly kick a dude in the pants, usually, and expect good results. (I mean figuratively speaking; a literal kick would probably be even worse. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />)
He's said he needs you to let him do it on his own, and I think that's valid. I think if after another week or so, he's still not making progress, you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Use "I feel" statements. Once he knows how you feel, give him a chance to make some strides. He'll do much better in the long run if he feels he's taking intiative on his own and for himself as well as you.
I would also suggest counseling if he's open to it. It's tough having a parent struggling with cancer. I know that, being unemployed, it might be tough to make that happen in terms of money or insurance covering it.
That's the best advice I can think of right now. HUGS and good luck.
Blog: A New Yorker in Duluth
Updated 8/8/11
[QUOTE]Lunar - YGPM
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
Right back at ya!
I have faith in him- he just works on a very different timeline then me.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : Right back at ya!
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
and back to you!
Give him some adjusting time, and talk to him... you know me, communication is my big thing....
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : and back to you!
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
Tag. You're It.
Oh- I forgot to tell you ladies some good news!
Javier is letting me use sick days for the three days I missed while moving! Yay!
In the meantime- I'm gonna continue my adjustment time, which includes applying for jobs, working from home (which isn't actually as cool as I thought it was going to be...with his parents home), hanging out with Allusive (!! YAY! And Beth?? Hm?), and I joined a few meetup groups!
What do you all do when you need to "rechange your battery?"
Allusive, Beth and I happen to be in Colorado on the Front Range, so it's a drivable distance.
There are quite a few ladies from Boston.
And I can't remember if anyone else from NEY is from Arkansas.
We've talked about a vacation where we would meetup before. And I know in the past- some people have gone to other's weddings.
The girls on here are just as much of my friends as any I have "IRL."