Big uh-oh! I need help!

snran1 · January 2012

My step-mother just told me she has an "intimate" gift for me. My fiance and I are NOT into that kind of thing at all, and have refused other such offers from my maid of honor and my own mother. How do I tell her I will not accept? She is a sensitive person, and she can sometimes hold the hurt for awhile. How do I turn this gift down politely?

Mandafly84 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:7a52bc32-b97d-4a6d-bb4f-9376a8cb1e56">Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My step-mother just told me she has an "intimate" gift for me. My fiance and I are NOT into that kind of thing at all, and have refused other such offers from my maid of honor and my own mother. How do I tell her I will not accept? She is a sensitive person, and she can sometimes hold the hurt for awhile. How do I turn this gift down politely?
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't. No matter how uncomfortable you are, you smile, say thank you, and accept the gift graciously.</div>

lopezalonso · January 2012

I agree with PP

snran1 · January 2012

I can't. It is against what I believe in, and I won't take it. I just need to know the nicest way to refuse.

bakerie · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:7a52bc32-b97d-4a6d-bb4f-9376a8cb1e56">Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My step-mother just told me she has an "intimate" gift for me. My fiance and I are NOT into that kind of thing at all, and have refused other such offers from my maid of honor and my own mother. How do I tell her I will not accept? She is a sensitive person, and she can sometimes hold the hurt for awhile. How do I turn this gift down politely?
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]
Not into what? Look, I understand it may be uncomfortable, but the best thing to do so as not to cause hurt feelings is to just accept it and never use it. <div>[QUOTE]<span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">I can't. It is against what I believe in, and I won't take it. I just need to know the nicest way to refuse.[/QUOTE]</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">Now, I'm just really curious as to what this gift is that is so offensive, you won't even accept it to spare some feelings.</span></div>

HobokensFury · January 2012

In all honestly it's probably just a pretty nightgown. I bet you think it's more horrible than it really is. I just had my bridal shower yesterday and my mom gave me lingerie but it was very pretty and tasteful.

snran1 · January 2012

It is not a matter of feelings or any such thing. Even if it is a nightgown, and even a tasteful one, I have refused such offers, and feel that things like that are much to personal for anyone to give anyone else. It is a matter of modesty, and neither my fiance or myself will allow such gifts, even though they are thoughtful I don't care if you agree with me or not on why I don't want it and can't accept it, I just want to know a polite way to turn it down. If I didn't care about her feelings, I wouldn't have posted here to ask for advice, so obviously I DO care about them, but it is a matter of belief and ethics for me. So, I just need to know the polite way.

DiLynn83 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:3172ad94-95a5-40ed-97de-23e98d76bf00">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not a matter of feelings or any such thing. Even if it is a nightgown, and even a tasteful one, I have refused such offers, and feel that things like that are much to personal for anyone to give anyone else. It is a matter of modesty, and neither my fiance or myself will allow such gifts, even though they are thoughtful I don't care if you agree with me or not on why I don't want it and can't accept it, I just want to know a polite way to turn it down. If I didn't care about her feelings, I wouldn't have posted here to ask for advice, so obviously I DO care about them, but it is a matter of belief and ethics for me. So, I just need to know the polite way.
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]

<div>But what we're trying to tell you is that there is NO polite way to turn down a gift. The ONLY polite and acceptable thing to do is graciously accept it and thank her. You don't have to use it. You can turn right around and donate it, whatever it is. No matter what your beliefs are, good manners dictates that you accept, and say thank you.</div>

snran1 · January 2012

So, if I am to sum up what you all have told me.... I have to accept whatever I am given, no matter if it violates my ethical and religious beliefs?

Avion22 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:060a16e3-02d9-4f5f-a6a2-97a42efa42ae">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if I am to sum up what you all have told me.... I have to accept whatever I am given, no matter if it violates my ethical and religious beliefs?
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep.</div><div>
</div><div>Accepting a gift and thanking the giver doesn't mean that you intend to USE it. I guess I don't understand how briefly being in possession of something that honestly is innoncent enough that your STEPMOM is giving it to you violates ethical and religious beliefs. Now, if she sold drugs or committed some crime in order to buy it for you, that might gave you a reason to not accept the gift. </div><div>
</div><div>Surely when you were a child people gave you things to sleep in, and you accepted. </div>

Simply Fated · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:060a16e3-02d9-4f5f-a6a2-97a42efa42ae">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if I am to sum up what you all have told me.... I have to accept whatever I am given, no matter if it violates my ethical and religious beliefs?
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]
And it doesn't violate your ethics to graciously accept a gift and move on with your life?

Out of curiosity, what religion are you where lingerie is unlawful? Because, seriously, it's just underwear with lace.

SCogs18 · January 2012

Well, I think it is tremendously rude to refuse a gift , espcecially from your step-mother. I really doubt in the long run that would be worth hurting her feelings that much. If you are so against the "intimate" gift, take it and immediately throw it away or donate it.

Also, what is so "intimate" and offensive? It might help people formulate responces. Are we talking about a nightgown? A sexy bra/panty set? I can't imagine a mother really giving her child something wilding innapropriate. She knows you and your values, I see no reason for her to be so disrespectful that she would give you something that would compromise your morals.

katehar01 · January 2012

Which is against your ethical beliefs - wearing the nightie at all? Or the fact that someone else bought you such an intimate thing? If it's the latter, maybe you could explain this to your stepmom and ask for a gift card to Victoria's Secret / wherever she's getting it instead? It's still a little rude, but it keeps in the spirit of what she's trying to give you. Then you and your fiance could pick it out yourselves:) Just a thought.

jessicabessica · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:5cbd3734-ab7f-4e7f-bb60-fdaf72003dac">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Big uh-oh! I need help! : How did you politely refuse the intimate gifts offered by your MOH and your mother? If you managed to do it politely two times already, I would think you'd just do it again. Or did those two refusals blow up in your face?
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

<div>That's what I'm wondering. Also, do your MOH, mom, and stepmom not know about the extent of your religious and ethical beliefs? Are they trying to tell you to loosen up? Those should both be dealt with as separate issues from refusing to accept a gift, which is very rude. </div>

AdeleDazeem · January 2012

One of my good friends does not drink. It is against his moral and ethical beliefs. For Christmas one year, a good intentioned person gave him a bottle of vodka. Instead of throwing a fit over it, he graciously thanked the person and then passed the bottle off to me (yay!).

Refusing a gift, especially from your MIL, is going to come across as a lot of things, none of which are good. Accept the present, thank her, and do with it what you will.

hoffse · January 2012

Yeah I'm confused about why accepting it and then donating it would go against ethical and religious beliefs.... particularly since I assume you accepted underwear from your parents/stepparents as a child, right? That's all this is: expensive underwear with lace.

Frankly, one of the great and problematic things with America (no this isn't about to get profound) is that with the diversity of religious groups and beliefs we all have to learn to get along with one another and rub shoulders as best we can. If you told me that I couldn't give you lingerie PRIVATELY because it violates your religious beliefs, I would honestly probably take that the wrong way as you telling me I'm an unethical person for buying it in the first place, even if that wasn't what you meant. I see a difference between your stepmother giving you a piece of lingerie in private and a lingerie shower where you open stuff in front of people publicly. She probably knows you aren't having a lingerie shower and is trying to do something nice for you to have on your wedding night. Nice lingerie is quite expensive, if you haven't looked into it.

I think you should accept the gift - remember that you can't ever tell the giver what to give you - and then donate it if you really feel that strongly about it. As a side note (and I know this is none of my business but I'm honestly curious), are you positive your FI disagrees with lingerie? I know a lot of women who don't like it because it's uncomfortable or they see it as objectifying them... but I can't say I know of any men who have issues with it. Not that I've had the conversation with dozens of men, but I've talked to their significant others.... I dunno I would just be surprised if he deeply felt that lingerie for his benefit was wrong.

rlavach · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:060a16e3-02d9-4f5f-a6a2-97a42efa42ae">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if I am to sum up what you all have told me.... I have to accept whatever I am given, no matter if it violates my ethical and religious beliefs?
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]
No, you don't. If you are, for example, Buddhist and someone gives you a Catholic statue, you are under no obligation to accept it. It may be a gift, but it goes against your religious beliefs and therefore is unacceptable. <div>
</div><div>Thing is, that's not what we're talking about here. It's lingerie. If it's from a mom, it's probably just a silk night gown. Now, I understand that everyone is different and that no one here has to understand or agree with your view. Unless a gift truly goes against every fiber of your being, you have to accept it. If this gift is really that significant to you, then just say 'thank you, but I cannot accept this.' </div><div>
</div><div>Believe me, I also take my religious views much more seriously than anyone else's feelings. I'd venture to say that most don't view lingerie as going against another's ethical & religous beliefs. If it is really that important to you, then decline it. Just be warned that the receiver might not share your views on this. For that reason, you might step on some toes. </div>

Ali092011 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:3172ad94-95a5-40ed-97de-23e98d76bf00">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not a matter of feelings or any such thing. Even if it is a nightgown, and even a tasteful one, I have refused such offers, and feel that things like that are much to personal for anyone to give anyone else. It is a matter of modesty, and neither my fiance or myself will allow such gifts, even though they are thoughtful
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]

I don't get the modesty thing. Did she ask you to try it on in front of her?

I'm guessing she bought it for you to wear in private. It IS thoughtful, she wants you to have pretty things.

Graciously accept the gift and donate it if you can't *stand* to wear a nightgown that someone else thoughtfully picked out for you.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:3172ad94-95a5-40ed-97de-23e98d76bf00">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not a matter of feelings or any such thing. Even if it is a nightgown, and even a tasteful one, I have refused such offers, and feel that things like that are much to personal for anyone to give anyone else. It is a matter of modesty, and neither my fiance or myself will allow such gifts, even though they are thoughtful I don't care if you agree with me or not on why I don't want it and can't accept it,<strong> I just want to know a polite way to turn it down</strong>. If I didn't care about her feelings, I wouldn't have posted here to ask for advice, so obviously I DO care about them, but it is a matter of belief and ethics for me. So, I just need to know the polite way.
Posted by snran1[/QUOTE]

<div>There is no polite way to refuse a gift.</div><div>
</div><div>Smile politely, thank her, and then donate/trash it.</div>

jessicabessica · January 2012

Even with the statue example, I don't see what the problem is with accepting the gift and then getting rid of it. It's hard for me to see how accepting a gift would be so horrible, as opposed to using actually liking or using a gift, which no one is saying you have to do.

I thought Joy's alcohol example was a good one. I also remember a poster a while ago that received a Christmas ornament. Not only did the poster not celebrate or observe Christmas, but the ornament also had her incorrect name on it (she wasn't changing her last name). The general advice was that the poster should graciously accept the gift with no further obligations.

Ali092011 · January 2012

Also, I have to ask, is this a new belief?

I find it strange that people who are supposed to know you really, really well would line up to buy you something that goes against your beliefs.

sparent2010 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:d22177f9-15e5-4de3-8598-7a323a41ab3a">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big uh-oh! I need help! : And it doesn't violate your ethics to graciously accept a gift and move on with your life?<strong> Out of curiosity, what religion are you where lingerie is unlawful? Because, seriously, it's just underwear with lace.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

That was my question too,

Also regardless of religion and moral beliefs the <strong>polite </strong>thing to do is to accept the gift.

Side note: Rvlach (?) My grandmother was Buddhist and if someone got her another religious figure/statue as a gift she still accepted it with grace.

You should accept a gift regardless of what you think, and do so graciously. I don't care if you think lingerie is revolting and you and your FI only have intimate times once a year with the lights off in Bunny costumes there is no polite way to turn down her gift.

So your options are be rude and say no thanks or slap a smile on, pull on some big girl pants, and say thank you. Then you can dispose of the gift as needed at a later date.

blush64 · January 2012

I would have to agree with everyone. There is no polite way to turn down a gift, especially from your stepmother.

If the gift is illegal, obtained with illegal means, is a donation to an illegal activity/group, has anything to do with someone being murdered or beaten then I can see refusing it outright. Otherwise, you can accept it and trash it or donate it.

rlavach · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:5f927b60-1f7c-400a-a092-eeeb72133ede">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big uh-oh! I need help! : Side note: Rvlach (?) My grandmother was Buddhist and if someone got her another religious figure/statue as a gift she still accepted it with grace.
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]
Everyone is different. I didn't mean anything by picking those 2 particular religions as examples. I, for instance, am of neither of those two faiths. I do hold my religious views strongly and would not accept a religious item from another faith. <div>
</div><div>That said, everyone who knows me already knows that. That doesn't mean that I'd throw it in their face, but I'd kindly decline. There is a line that I will not cross. I go out of my way to not offend others, but there are certain things that are more important to you than others' feelings. For the most part, if you have strong views, those close enough to give you a gift, will already know that. </div><div>
</div><div>I think that's where the question the PP asked of 'is this a new belief' comes into play. If the MIL knows this, why would she give it? The whole situation sounds odd.</div>

sparent2010 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:d200101e-3031-4ee5-961c-6cc473c11bdd">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]At my bridal shower, my mother gave me the lingerie that my grandmother gave her when she got married. I have no clue where it even is right now. Accept graciously. And then give it away if you don't want it.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Cfas is this like traditional underwear? I have never heard of this before.

sparent2010 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:026d6e35-7cc7-4c05-a8df-92224ce21d5f">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sparent -- It was a silk nightgown with lace cap sleeves that came to the knee with a matching silk and lace robe. Very "wedding-night". I have never even considered wearing them. <strong>The idea of wearing the same lingerie my mother wore on her wedding night with my dad creeps me out.</strong>
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

CQTM- That would be pretty creepy

jessicabessica · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:2b7acc08-f2b6-424b-a7cb-8ca22dcaefb0">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big uh-oh! I need help! : Everyone is different. I didn't mean anything by picking those 2 particular religions as examples. I, for instance, am of neither of those two faiths.<strong> I do hold my religious views strongly and would not accept a religious item from another faith</strong>. That said, everyone who knows me already knows that. That doesn't mean that I'd throw it in their face, but I'd kindly decline. There is a line that I will not cross. I go out of my way to not offend others, but there are certain things that are more important to you than others' feelings. For the most part, if you have strong views, those close enough to give you a gift, will already know that. I think that's where the question the PP asked of 'is this a new belief' comes into play. If the MIL knows this, why would she give it? The whole situation sounds odd.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure what the strength of your religious views have to do with it. I am firmly committed to my religion, but if someone gave me a cross (not part of my religion), I would accept it and donate it or regift it. If the person was giving me the cross even though they knew it wasn't a symbol of my faith and was doing it to bother me, I think there are more important issues to address than what to do about the gift.

And cfas, that's a great story.

Simply Fated · January 2012

Religion isn't a good enough excuse not to accept a gift. Being gracious is an admirable quality you should consider.

rlavach · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:3ddbd1de-4b26-4953-a060-62be6e6608c6">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big uh-oh! I need help! : I'm not sure what the strength of your religious views have to do with it. I am firmly committed to my religion, but if someone gave me a cross (not part of my religion), I would accept it and donate it or regift it. <strong>If the person was giving me the cross even though they knew it wasn't a symbol of my faith and was doing it to bother me, I think there are more important issues to address than what to do about the gift.</strong> And cfas, that's a great story.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]
Absolutely. That wouldn't be a very good friend, would it. I don't think that was the case for the OP, but she hasn't come on to clarify in a bit. <div>
</div><div>I don't mean to say that just because you will accept a cross you are less dedicated or committed to your religion than I am. Not at all. For me, accepting a religious article from another religion actually breaks several tenets and commands. I hold my personal relationship with God far above my relationship with other individuals (friends or not). For that reason, I feel it more important to stand by my beliefs rather than accept a gift to be gracious. I would certainly never be rude or nasty about it.Maybe this is what the OP is thinking, or maybe not. </div>

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_big-uh-oh-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:01b4bc0e-8a1e-4de1-b248-785a2e654704Post:3ddbd1de-4b26-4953-a060-62be6e6608c6">Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big uh-oh! I need help! : I'm not sure what the strength of your religious views have to do with it. I am firmly committed to my religion, but if someone gave me a cross (not part of my religion), I would accept it and donate it or regift it. If the person was giving me the cross even though they knew it wasn't a symbol of my faith and was doing it to bother me, I think there are more important issues to address than what to do about the gift. And cfas, that's a great story.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. I don't think your hypothetical situation is any different than the OP's. </div><div>
</div><div>If someone gives you something that you can't/won't keep because of religion, smile, thank them, and trash it. </div><div>
</div><div>If it was a mistake on their part, it's rude to throw that in their face. If it was intentional on their part, you've got bigger problems.</div>

maribeth721 · January 2012

If it's against what you believe in - wouldn't she know that? And you don't even know what it is yet - so how can you say that. That word could mean so many things. You will offend her by refusing. Accept it and throw it in the trash if you want. And If she's a step-mother I seriously doubt it's anything inappropriate.

Big uh-oh! I need help!

Re: Big uh-oh! I need help!

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