Hello! My fiance and I are having a mid-afternoon wedding. Our reception will be around 3:30ish, so it's not at the right time of day for a big meal. So we decided on doing finger-food type foods. Well, my FMIL does not think it's good enough, and thinks it's unfair to our out-of-town guests. My out-of-town friends have said that they don't care what they eat, they're just looking forward to coming and having fun! Anyway, my FMIL plans to cook a big meal to invite all her out-of-town guests to after the reception. This really irritates me, because I'm going through all the work to plan a fun celebration, and she's pretty much saying I'm not doing a good enough of a job planning my own wedding, and that she's just gonna hafta make up for it after the fact. My FMIL and I have had many other wedding-related problems before this, but I can't take it anymore!
How do I handle this situation?
Re: FMIL and Reception
OTOH, I think it's fair that your FMIL specially host "her" oot guests some time that weekend, especially if she doesn't see them often. She doesn't see these people often, why not spend as much time as possible with them while they're in town? OTOH, she shouldn't cut into your planning or reception time. If it's just "her" people at this afterparty your family's people shouldn't know about it. I don't know how to make that happen, though. I know what you can't do: Put her info in your invitations. Put it on your website. Invite anyone to it yourselves. Make this HER party for HER family.
Ideally, this could be morphed into a day-after brunch or something.
It's just to me it's perfectly normal for a matriarch to whisper to her family as you change out of your dress and into your traveling clothes, "Please come to the house for dinner after we've seen them off." or "We've made arrangements for supper at a restaurant a few blocks away." When my family is in town, we spend as much time together as possible. It'd be unthinkable to not at least give visiting relatives an idea for where to get dinner, and usually we'd make them dinner. Indeed, one of my worries with my end-of-weekend wedding is my mom will spend all weekend hosting my cousins and won't be able to help me, as well as filling the house with visitors who really stress me out.
[QUOTE]What I would do is have your future husband say, "We think it's great that your arranging to spend more time with your family and friends from out of town during our wedding weekend, but kmw and I are leaving for our honeymoon right after the reception, so we won't be able to participate." OTOH, I think it's fair that your FMIL specially host "her" oot guests some time that weekend, especially if she doesn't see them often. She doesn't see these people often, why not spend as much time as possible with them while they're in town? OTOH, she shouldn't cut into your planning or reception time. If it's just "her" people at this afterparty your family's people shouldn't know about it. I don't know how to make that happen, though. I know what you can't do: Put her info in your invitations. Put it on your website. Invite anyone to it yourselves. Make this HER party for HER family. Ideally, this could be morphed into a day-after brunch or something. It's just to me it's perfectly normal for a matriarch to whisper to her family as you change out of your dress and into your traveling clothes, "Please come to the house for dinner after we've seen them off." or "We've made arrangements for supper at a restaurant a few blocks away." When my family is in town, we spend as much time together as possible. It'd be unthinkable to not at least give visiting relatives an idea for where to get dinner, and usually we'd make them dinner. Indeed, one of my worries with my end-of-weekend wedding is my mom will spend all weekend hosting my cousins and won't be able to help me, as well as filling the house with visitors who really stress me out.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't have a problem with her throwing her own party, but she's doing it because what I'm doing isn't good enough for her. She can throw her own party all she wants, I would just prefer it be on another day if she's doing it to "make up for my shortcomings". For me, it's her motive and intentions behind it.</div>
To be perfectly honest, as a MOB I'd do the same thing. I'd take that time on Saturday night to visit with these people and share a meal.
I understand that this is being done in a passive aggressive manner and that would get to a lot of people. I think you need to just let it go. You have no control over what she plans on doing so don't make it a hill to die on.
Has she come right out and told you that your food isn't good enough for her family? If she did, then she was being rude. But you can't force her to change her party to a different day.
I'm guessing, if she's having people for dinner, then you're planning on making your exit pretty early. In this case I agree with PPs that you'll just have to suck it up and smile. I might have FI mention to his mom that it would be inappropriate to make any big scene about how half the group is IMMEDIATELY going to a second party; as that will make your family feel slighted. Her meal needs to be a seperate event and should not be mentioned or announced at your reception. She should also avoid calling it an "after party" or anything with wedding-related tones.
If you're thinking this will go until later in the evening then make sure your finger foods include some heavier apps that could constitute a full meal. in this situation I'd say your FMIL's idea to have everyone over after is out of line, as it would interfere with your reception and people would have to leave early to attend her event. Sit down with her and work out a realistic timeline of the day so she understands that the two events conflict.