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Not Engaged Yet
Pre-Marital Counseling
I know this has been discussed before, but it's been a while and since we have a lot of newer ladies that have joined the board (and since we just started our sessions), I thought this might be an interesting topic to bring up.
I'm sure most of you have figured out by my posts that I am very religious - I don't want to make this a post on religion, that just happens to be the route we are going. Our church requires us to meet with the pastor who is marrying us 2-3 times. They've just started using a new on-line assessment tool that the couple takes after the first meeting. Our first meeting went really well and our pastor kept commenting how nice it was to meet with a couple that is so organized in their thoughts and ideas and who obviously have discussed all the important things...and who also admit we're human and make mistakes, we'll fight over silly things and we'll always be growing in our relationship.
We took the on-line assessment tool yesterday (takes about an hour each - FI did his while I was at a friend's house and I took mine while he was sleeping) - our pastor will print it up this weekend and we'll meet sometime next week to go over it. FI & I discussed it after we had both finished taking it and were both impressed with it (although it used a lot of 'agree/disagree type answers and we both thought there should be a "sometimes agree/sometimes disagree" answer spot). What really caught my attention was the statement given to us before we started the assessment. It said " The assessment is designed to help you and your partner identify the strength and growth areas in your relationship, and to facilitate discussion. It is not a pass or fail test, nor is it designed to predict your chances of marital success."
We're really looking forward to seeing our answers and being able to use this tool in the future. To go along with this, one of my BM's and her husband gave us the Love Dare - Marriage Edition (has anyone seen the movie Fireproof?) - it's a year's worth of readings and devotions meant to be done as a couple - we've agreed that this will be a wonderful 5-15 minutes a day we can spend together.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to get so long. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the subject. I know not everyone does pre-marital counseling and I've heard girls talking about reading different books together. I'd also love to hear what other religions do for this subject. You don't have to be married or engaged to join in this conversation. I'll check back in throughout the day to see what everyone has to say.
I'm sure most of you have figured out by my posts that I am very religious - I don't want to make this a post on religion, that just happens to be the route we are going. Our church requires us to meet with the pastor who is marrying us 2-3 times. They've just started using a new on-line assessment tool that the couple takes after the first meeting. Our first meeting went really well and our pastor kept commenting how nice it was to meet with a couple that is so organized in their thoughts and ideas and who obviously have discussed all the important things...and who also admit we're human and make mistakes, we'll fight over silly things and we'll always be growing in our relationship.
We took the on-line assessment tool yesterday (takes about an hour each - FI did his while I was at a friend's house and I took mine while he was sleeping) - our pastor will print it up this weekend and we'll meet sometime next week to go over it. FI & I discussed it after we had both finished taking it and were both impressed with it (although it used a lot of 'agree/disagree type answers and we both thought there should be a "sometimes agree/sometimes disagree" answer spot). What really caught my attention was the statement given to us before we started the assessment. It said " The assessment is designed to help you and your partner identify the strength and growth areas in your relationship, and to facilitate discussion. It is not a pass or fail test, nor is it designed to predict your chances of marital success."
We're really looking forward to seeing our answers and being able to use this tool in the future. To go along with this, one of my BM's and her husband gave us the Love Dare - Marriage Edition (has anyone seen the movie Fireproof?) - it's a year's worth of readings and devotions meant to be done as a couple - we've agreed that this will be a wonderful 5-15 minutes a day we can spend together.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to get so long. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the subject. I know not everyone does pre-marital counseling and I've heard girls talking about reading different books together. I'd also love to hear what other religions do for this subject. You don't have to be married or engaged to join in this conversation. I'll check back in throughout the day to see what everyone has to say.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
Married Bio
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
Married!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-marital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:326eb2db-0594-4a8c-81e9-d8d6f4d8cca3Post:fc51388e-7a9e-48b3-864b-755c87329f9f">Re: Pre-Marital Counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]we will be doing pre-marital counseling through our church during our engagement. we also have ordered a few workbooks to go through together and <strong>have signed up for financial classes together</strong>. it sounds like you have a great program Angie! we are about to start reading Save Your Marriage Before It Starts.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]
That is such a great idea. What kind of classes are they and where did you find them?
EDIT: One thign that was helpful was the financial classes that the pastor had us go to. It was part of our counseling. We had to meet with a lady and go over all of our finances and such. That was pretty helpful.
We are doing this through our school. I'm actually terrified, though I don't know why. We go to our first one tomorrow. I'm so worried about it, I've had bad experiences with family counseling so maybe thats why, but its freaking me out. I know its a good idea (and any students, your school probably provides it) but its still scary.
Glad that you posted this because just last Sunday I asked our Pastor if he would do pre-maritial counseling. I'm gonna wait until we are engaged to set up any meetings but I think its a good idea that any couple should do. The bf isn't that excited but he definitely would prefer counseling with a pastor than secular bc he's religous.
All of my friends that are catholic have taken pre-cana classes and thought they were really good so I'm hoping our experience is just as positive. If anyone else has any other books to read or exercises for couples to do let me know.
Life is good today.
We do talk together about a lot of the important stuff though - money, kids, family values, etc - and actually, we talk about these things with his and my family as well. So maybe that's our form of "pre-marital counseling" - except it's "pre-engagement" for now.
[QUOTE]We are doing this through our school. I'm actually terrified, though I don't know why. We go to our first one tomorrow. I'm so worried about it, I've had bad experiences with family counseling so maybe thats why, but its freaking me out. I know its a good idea (and any students, your school probably provides it) but its still scary.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]
I understand your feelings. It's not that I was scared to go, but I was a little nervous - just not knowing exactly what to expect. We just had such a great first meeting that I feel silly for even having felt nervous now. I'm sure you'll do fine. And that's grea that your school has this program.
I think financial counseling is a great thing for a majority of couples, and if I thought it would benefit us, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Finances can cause more friction in a relationship than religion, simply because it's something many people don't have to deal with until they're already married. The thing is, we've already completely merged our finances and have a 10-year financial plan based on his expected salary (mine would be almost entirely savings, while we live off his income). We do plan on getting a financial planner once our savings grows to a certain point so that we know we're managing our money well for the future.
I do think we've talked through the vast majority of the important issues to consider. We've both spoken to therapists at various times in our lives, so we've learned the ability to communicate fairly well with each other. We're never mean to each other when we're arguing, and we're pretty good overall at getting through sticky disagreements. I'm proud of us!
I will say, though, that I think our awareness of these issues is a good first step.
We originally met with one of the pastors from my childhood church. He requires couples do six sessions with any counselor certified by the state--while he encouraged Christian, he was okay with any so long as they're certified.
Since we're now having FI's brother be the officiant, I'd still like to, but I'm not sure how to find one. One lady the pastor recommended actually offers a nice package, but she's also my mom's deacon, which seems weird. I'm sure she's bound by ethics and all, but it's just weird. Since we both have Kaiser, I thought about seeing if there's a family therapist we can meet with through them.
I haz a planning bio
[QUOTE]I will say, though, that I think our awareness of these issues is a good first step.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
That's what my pastor told us. He said he's had couples tell him in the past that they never argue and they have a "perfect" relationship. He said that's a big red flag in his book. It's human nature to argue (as long as you're doing it right and resolving it in a healthy way, of course) and no one is perfect. If you can admit you know what your 'problems' are, then you are on the right path.
We have discussed meeting with a financial advisor to help us make a plan for our financial future. Specifically savings/retirement funds, but also daily expenses and what our best option would be for when we start having children, etc.
We also have a wonderful support system of older couples (my parents, his parents, his older sis & hubs) that we go to for advice from time to time. We also chat with these people regularly about life and thus our relationship. I feel like the advice and support that we get, and the discussions that come from these conversations are very similar to discussions and such we would get from counseling.
Andplusalso: We're perfect =P
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Murried Bio
I'm a Christian and I think pre-marital counseling is important. In order for my pastor to do the ceremony, we have to go through pre-marital counseling through the church. I think it's a great tool and we would do it even if it wasn't required.
At first, when I mentioned pre-martial counseling BF wasn't happy about it, but I voiced how important it was to me and now he's understanding.
My parents and grandparents are the best relationship mentors I can imagine, and BF agrees (he goes to my grandparents, I go to my parents for advice). He looooves when I go to my parents for advice, because my Mom usually takes his side and tells me to be nicer to him! Haha, I love it.
[QUOTE]We talked about counselling once or twice but neither of us feel as if we need it. I'm not saying we don't have our issues or trials because everyone does, but we realize where our problems are and we work on them as they arise. We also have a wonderful support system of older couples (my parents, his parents, his older sis & hubs) that we go to for advice from time to time. We also chat with these people regularly about life and thus our relationship. I feel like the advice and support that we get, and the discussions that come from these conversations are very similar to discussions and such we would get from counseling. <strong> Andplusalso: We're perfect =P</strong>
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]
Come on now, Paige. We all know there's only one perfect couple on this board.
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-Marital Counseling : Come on now, Paige. We all know there's only one perfect couple on this board.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
DUH! It's me and my BF!
Sorry, Paige!
lol
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-Marital Counseling : Come on now, Paige. We all know there's only one perfect couple on this board.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OH SNAP!
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-Marital Counseling : Come on now, Paige. We all know there's only one perfect couple on this board.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
Guyyyys, quit talking about me ;) you'll make me blush.
Angie, do you mind if I ask what denomination church you attend?
I like the idea of pre-marital counselling, BF does too. My church encourages couples to attend some sessions with one of our pastors so I'd do it for sure. I like the idea of a third-party observer helping us work out relationship issues. Although the idea of how personal some of that can be almost makes me nervous. Good thing I don't have to worry about it yet.
We also read a few books - Saving your Marriage Before it Starts, some Walter Trobisch and For Men Only/For Women Only. We also read Sheet Music (about intimacy) closer to the wedding.
Please PM me if you want to know more. I hope you guys have a great experience!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-Marital Counseling : Angie, do you mind if I ask what denomination church you attend?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
Not at all - basically Protestant - it's Disciples of Christ.