Black tie optional - Friday night wedding

Jacky225 · December 2011

Can I put Black Tie Optional on the reception card in my invite for a Friday night wedding? My groomsmen, my dad and FI dad will be in tuxedos as will some of my guests I am sure (the "more important ones" like my godfather, close cousins and uncles, etc). My venue is very elegant and I want to make sure people are dressed in at least a suit- they do not by any means need to rent a tux but I want to make sure people are in proper attire for my venue even though its a Friday night. I am mostly worried about my FI family that is not from the area we are getting married in. They are used to more casual weddings and I have made mention of how fancy/formal/over the top NY/NJ weddings are to my FMIL but not sure if that will get the point across to everyone else. But I dont want to sound snobby since its a Friday night wedding which I know is usually less formal.

rlavach · December 2011

From reading around a lot on TK, it seems like attire requirements should only be on the invites if they are truly a requirement. For instance, if a country club requires a jacket & tie to get in, people need to know that. If it is just a preference, rather than a requirement to enter, then leave it out.

The formality of the invite itself & the wording is usually enough. An elegant invite will tell your guests this is a formal affair, rather than a funky pink one! Many suggest including this info on your website or spreading it by word of mouth.

Really, what is the big deal? If someone comes underdressed, they're the one that will look funny, not you.

Danes983 · December 2011

I had a NYE wedding last year. I put black tie optional. I had quite a few tuxs.

LissyM83 · December 2011

I'm having a Friday night wedding & doing BT Optional... it's really just a matter of preference.

JoBell123 · December 2011

I say put it down. I don't think Friday night weddings are necessarily more casual. If it were a daytime wedding, that would be different.

cstein44 · December 2011

i know that if my Fiance sees bt optional on a invite he is more likely just to where a suit. If you put black tie optional I assume that those gents not in a tux will likely where a suit.

Jacky225 · December 2011

Wow thanks ladies- really appreciate the understanding and suggestions!! I posted this on the etiquette board and was attacked! I have heard about people being attacked on the etiquette board before but never posted anything until today. That will be the LAST time! They are telling me I am trying to dictate to people what to wear. That is SO not what I am trying to do. I am sure most of my guests will be in a suit but like I mentioned, theres a few that I am worried about that will show up in jeans lol. Not that it will ruin my wedding, I understand. But I do have a certain look/feel I am going for and just want to make sure I cover my grounds.

LissyM83 · December 2011

Just to warn you... regardless if you put BT or BT Optional on an invite, people will wear what they want.

My aunt & uncle had a BT wedding & an out of town cousin showed up in a white button down shirt, khaki pants & loafers. You're going to be on such a high on the day of, you won't even notice lol

Jacky225 · December 2011

Understood and I get that people should have the option of wearing what they want to wear. But the bride and bride's family who is paying for the wedding should have the option to suggest proper attire for the event. I am just hoping that by adding it to the invite that it will cut back on those that wear less formal attire.

kristen8040 · December 2011

I didn't put it and I had a few of DH's family in short sleeve button downs. Looking back I probably would have had it on the invitations as a hint to those people. I was just afraid others that wore a suit would think they had to get more dressed up.

Jacky225 · December 2011

Yes I worried about that too because I do not want his family to think that they HAVE to rent a tux. So I plan to let his mom know in case anyone asks. I know my family/friends are used to the black tie optional thing.

rlavach · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:5eb668b8-683b-45ab-a96e-05f69c4edb9d">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow thanks ladies- really appreciate the understanding and suggestions!! I posted this on the etiquette board and was attacked! I have heard about people being attacked on the etiquette board before but never posted anything until today. That will be the LAST time! They are telling me I am trying to dictate to people what to wear. That is SO not what I am trying to do. I am sure most of my guests will be in a suit but like I mentioned, theres a few that I am worried about that will show up in jeans lol. Not that it will ruin my wedding, I understand. But I do have a certain look/feel I am going for and just want to make sure I cover my grounds.
Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that's why I posted what I did above. It was basically a nicer version of what you'd get over there. They have a good point, but don't always phrase things in the nicest way. <div>
</div><div>I honestly feel that the type of people that would wear jeans & a t-shirt to a wedding are also the type of people to disregard attire suggestions on an invite. The people who care about appropriate attire usually know how to dress or at least know how to find out.</div><div>
</div><div>EDIT: I just read all the comments on the E board. They were all being blunt & honest until you accused them of attacking you. Yeah, not a good idea. It all went downhill from there. I know what you mean regarding people from different areas having different ideas of what wedding attire means, but there is just no nice way to ask someone to wear something specific, unless it is truly a requirement. </div><div>
</div><div>I read some survey somewhere stating that NNJ has the most formal weddings in the US. Crazy, right? If someone comes underdressed, it won't reflect poorly on you. Chances are, you'll be so busy enjoying the day that you won't even see them. </div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and if you're thinking of putting 'Adults only reception' on your invite, DON'T ask on the E board! They will burn you alive for that...I've seen it.</div>

TripleJTobe · December 2011

We're putting it on ours and it's a Friday night wedding. The venue is very fancy and some of our guests are out of towners that really don't take notice of invites lol I think it's fine to add to your invite

Jacky225 · December 2011

Rlavach- good point but hopefully some will read

Glad to see I am not alone on this and again, appreciate everyone's input.

altimat873 · December 2011

I wish I had put something that suggested a dress code - we had a good amount of out of towners (I also had a Fri night wedding in a pretty nice place) from different states that showed up in short sleeve buttons downs, 2 wore khakis and one girl wore a summer dress with a shrug of some sort - slightly under dressed for the occassion and venue. It wasn't awful but even she said to me, I wish I had known it was more formal.

niolani21 · December 2011

It sounds like what you really have is a communication/understanding challenge. I wouldn't put black tie optional if all you're really looking to do is ensure that FI's family come in nothing less than a suit. If it were me, I wouldn't address it at all on the invitation but I'd also make sure everyone knows that nothing less than a suit and tie is expected.

rlavach · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:0df15f90-11cb-4ebb-8a0b-4e12fa956b4c">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I had put something that suggested a dress code - we had a good amount of out of towners (I also had a Fri night wedding in a pretty nice place) from different states that showed up in short sleeve buttons downs, 2 wore khakis and one girl wore a summer dress with a shrug of some sort - slightly under dressed for the occassion and venue. It wasn't awful but even <strong>she said to me, I wish I had known it was more formal.</strong>
Posted by altimat873[/QUOTE]
People like that drive me crazy. They try to make it your fault that they didn't dress appropriately. Why didn't she take note of the invite & venue? Why didn't she ask you or another member of your family? There are so many ways to know. It's not the bride's fault.

dalm0m · December 2011

We had a black tie wedding. It wasn't optional & it said so on the invitation. It actually said -- BLACK TIE, KILTS WELCOME. Several of DH's friends & one of his uncles weren't going to come as a result, I personally called them & told them a nice suit would be fine. I cared more about there presence then their outfits.

We had a formal wedding & people knew it. Most everyone conformed to the dress code & for those who didn't we didn't really care but I know they felt out of place. One of DH's cousins who wore a nice day dress & who was decidedly underdressed said to me later, I know the invittaion said black tie but I didn't think ou meant it. Her own mother told her that was a ridiculous statement.

In the end it won't matter who wore what (other than you & DH) but if you want black tie optional say something or heaven knows what people will wear.

cindyn9178 · December 2011

A couple points..

I've never heard of a Friday night being more casual. Our wedding was on a Friday night and it was just as formal as a Saturday night wedding, along with all of the other Friday night weddings I've attended, so I don't think many people would assume it is more casual because it is a Friday night (maybe that would apply on a Sunday afternoon?)

By putting "black tie optional" on the invitation, you are NOT telling people what to wear, hence "optional". If you are requiring black tie only and put "formal attire" on the invites, then yes, you are telling people what to wear. However, I personally don't feel that is rude. If you want to have a super formal wedding with gowns and all tuxedos, that is your choice. If however, I was invited to a wedding that required formal attire, I have to admit I would be a little annoyed, because that would require me purchasing a gown. Just keep in mind that if you put "optional" some guests may feel it is required anyway, and they might be a little annoyed. Just be prepared for that in case anybody gets upset.

As someone said above, the people that normally wouldn't dress appropriately for a wedding (in New Jersey at least), are probably going to ignore the "black tie optional" anyway and still wear what they want, so do not assume that putting it on the invitations will influence what they wear.

If however, you would like a more formal wedding in general, then putting black tie optional will increase the chances that people will be dressed up more than if you didn't put it.

Giaspo · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:0df15f90-11cb-4ebb-8a0b-4e12fa956b4c">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I had put something that suggested a dress code - we had a good amount of out of towners (I also had a Fri night wedding in a pretty nice place) from different states that showed up in short sleeve buttons downs, 2 wore khakis and one girl wore a summer dress with a shrug of some sort - slightly under dressed for the occassion and venue. It wasn't awful but even she said to me, I wish I had known it was more formal.
Posted by altimat873[/QUOTE]

This. We also had a few out of staters that called me ahead of time and didn't know what to wear... they were afraid they'd be too underdressed. I agree with PPs that, in NJ at least, people know what to wear and if they don't, will google the venue to get an idea.

Jacky225 · December 2011

If anyone wants a laugh, please go to the etiquette board and read my post. I really want to send them all here so they get what I am asking!!! But then this board will blow up too like the other one!

I do not want to offend anyone or make them wear anything they don't want to hence, the OPTIONAL as many of you had said. And I do not think it is wrong for me to want a more formal look at the wedding. If someone shows up in shorts will I kick them out, of course not. But that is not the look I am going for which is why I want to put it in the reception card.

Again, appreciate everyone's thoughts!

Giaspo · December 2011

OMG! I just read your thread over there. They are often like that - unfortunately you were their target for the day. I was a target a few months ago when I asked a question about doing donations instead of favors... you'd think I wore a scarlet letter and had a bullseye on my forehead.

Personally, I loved your response "Thought this was the etiquette board not the comedy hour." Classic!

Anyway, I truly think this is a regional thing. If you have any more regional questions just come on over to the NJ board! For the most part, everyone here is honest without being mean.

Jacky225 · December 2011

Giaspo- thank you so much! I always post on NJ board because the state/region defintiely plays a part in the responses/understanding/traditions, etc. But I did want to know what they would have to say as well- I was truly being genunine asking the question! Never doing that again! I will stick to my NJ people that understand my craziness

shoebie · December 2011

I dont see a problem with it, Also you can mention it on your wedding website if you have one.

BeachLover2885 · December 2011

Chiming in a little late... but I think it's fine to put Black Tie Optional on the invite, especially if you are a little worried about what some people might wear. I think it's better to be safe than sorry!! Just an FYI--- I went to a wedding a few summers ago that was black tie optional--- a few men wore tuxes if they had them, and everyone else was wearing black/dark suits. We were friends with the couple getting married so we just asked them what they preferred and they said no one had to rent a tux, people just had the option to do so if they wanted. Some women wore short dresses, other wore long.
I always find the etiquette board very amusing, especially since they freak out about brides doing things that might offend their guests, yet have no problem being rude to unassuming posters, which to me is more offensive! I also don't think a Friday night wedding is any less fancy than a Saturday night wedding, so you should be fine in that department. I also agree that I've seen Black Tie Optional and Black Tie on invites and thought nothing of it. It probably is a regional thing even if the E-board doesn't want to see it that way. GL!

sgdc2011 · December 2011

We put it and only had 1 person (which by the way was my aunt) come in a long skirt, tshirt, and sneakers (mind you the rest of her family was dressed appropriately). I think it's fine.

gymchick05 · December 2011

I dont see any problem with it. We also were inviting many OOT people and instead of listing any attire suggestions, I just put "Formal Reception to Follow" on the invite. It was a Saturday night and our invites were really elaborate too, so that helped, but not a single guest showed up underdressed. A few asked if it was Black Tie (since I went a little overboard on the invites) haha. But I do not think its offensive. I as a guest would prefer to know- for instance I attended a Southern wedding and was WAY overdressed and would have loved to know it was casual in advance so I didnt feel so out of place!

cindyn9178 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:befa62ff-a7d0-4c10-a5f8-9d5d0ef6634b">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Chiming in a little late... but I think it's fine to put Black Tie Optional on the invite, especially if you are a little worried about what some people might wear. I think it's better to be safe than sorry!! Just an FYI--- I went to a wedding a few summers ago that was black tie optional--- a few men wore tuxes if they had them, and everyone else was wearing black/dark suits. We were friends with the couple getting married so we just asked them what they preferred and they said no one had to rent a tux, people just had the option to do so if they wanted. Some women wore short dresses, other wore long. <strong>I always find the etiquette board very amusing, especially since they freak out about brides doing things that might offend their guests, yet have no problem being rude to unassuming posters, which to me is more offensive! </strong> I also don't think a Friday night wedding is any less fancy than a Saturday night wedding, so you should be fine in that department. I also agree that I've seen Black Tie Optional and Black Tie on invites and thought nothing of it. It probably is a regional thing even if the E-board doesn't want to see it that way. GL!
Posted by BeachLover2885[/QUOTE]
This!
I have found that most of the people on the E-board, not all but most, take things to the extreme when it comes to etiquette questions. Yes, there are etiquette rules, but they go above and beyond that most of the time. Instead of just explaining what etiquette states, they make you feel like a completely horrible and rude person if god forbid you want to break one of those rules.

BeachLover2885 · December 2011

cindy-- couldn't agree more!! I just find it so hypocritical that some of them are all about manners yet jump on anyone who voices a different opinion! It's ironic that some of them are all about wedding etiquette, yet show no social etiquette what so ever.

LissyM83 · December 2011

What I'd like to know is who made them the end all, be all when it comes to etiquette...lol

sharstin · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:fcd262ce-310a-46ff-9daf-8585d3f88a4f">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]What I'd like to know is who made them the end all, be all when it comes to etiquette...lol
Posted by LissyM83[/QUOTE]

Lol. This.... exactly this!!!

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