Head table no no?

ashesfall · July 2009

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ashesfall · July 2009

I noted that's the only thing you could think of to attack...

banana468 · July 2009

There's a huge difference between following tradition simply for the sake of tradition, even if it can not be favored by those affected, and following tradition because you'd like to and the practice is innocuous.I carried a bouquet, my father escorted me down the aisle and I wore a white dress. They were all traditional aspects that we incorporated into the wedding that didn't hurt anyone. If DH was so allergic to flowers that he'd pass out at the altar, I would have done away with the bouquet. If I wanted a shade to wear other than white, I would have done that. If I didn't get along with my father, I wouldn't have requested that he escort me.IF your WP (and their dates) are fine sitting separately from one another for the meal then that's great. You have no issue with the head table arrangement and all parties agree. Perfect! If however your WP members, (and even if just one) request to sit with their sig other, please seat them with their partners. Yes, the day is about the nuptials that just took place but honor your WP as you seat them. Yes your WP just stood at the altar for you (and most of them also did tons of things for you prior to your wedding as well) and it's nice to give them seats of honor with you at the reception. Show them that you honor them by not just sitting with them but sitting with them AND their sig others. Remember, it isn't JUST the meal where they'll be split. As I stated in a previous post, when my husband has been a groomsman, we're split from the time he gets in the limo to travel with the groom pre-ceremony until the dinner portion of the reception begins and everyone is introduced. The two times that he's been one, we've been split for three to four hours because he is consumed with wedding party duties. As a GM wife, I've not only helped get DH ready but I've helped the groom with things like holding his belongings, taking photos that they requested, and driving the other spouses of WP members as the one local wife with a vehicle. I did all those things as wife because I love my husband and the couple. However those things would be bittersweet if I arrived at the reception (and one time I did) to find that I was seated on the opposite side of the room from my husband. Sure I can handle my own and make conversation with others. However I certainly would have preferred that after all the work that my husband and I did, that we were seated together and recognized as a couple, just as the bride and groom are recognized as a couple.And as a sidenote ashesfall, I don't believe it's appropriate to ask your bridesmaids to wear a dress that they hate either. As a bride I took my bridesmaids and maid of honor shopping so that we could find a dress that appealed to them and their wallets. There was no way I wanted them in my wedding in something that made them feel any less than spectacular. Some will say that it's expected to wear the dress that the bride picks (and I'm doing that as a BM), however I don't personally believe that bridal mandates are something to deem acceptable.

chrob · July 2009

Wow. This thread scares me. C&R, what you should take away from this is that you can not please everyone- go with your instinct. You know what is common in your area (and I think that makes a BIG difference) and how your WP might feel. I am really stressed about my own wedding now, because half the guests will be from England where FI and I live, but the wedding is in the US where I grew up. For some things the etiquette of UK and US weddings completely contradicts each other. If people are going to get all stressed and freak out about etiquette at my wedding, well I can't win. With regards to the head table, I know in the UK sweetheart tables are unheard of- it would be insulting to the family and WP and look like the B&G were snubbing everyone. It just wouldn't occur to the WP to complain about being separated from dates, it is never done any other way and sitting up there in the formal order is just part of the fun. There is no right or wrong here, just different perceptions. I think the US has major regional differences, and it's not fair to tell people that something is absolutely horrible, rude, tacky, etc, when it's the normal thing in their area and none of their guests are going to give it a second thought.

ashesfall · July 2009

I definitely don't think it is appropriate to ask the BM's to wear something they don't want. I am just giving my friends colors and they can match close to my suggestions and wear what style they want. I was referring to stages comments about a dress she had to wear that she hated. It didn't have any bearing on the head table discussion and I was merely trying to fit it in. I have one friend who barely splits from her fi and once declared "I don't hang out with just the girls as much anymore because you don't make me laugh like the boys do." Yet we are the only girls she is friends with. Only two of us expect we may be asked to be BM's and we def expect her to not ask our opinions on anything that we will be required to do. We will suck it up however for the sake of our friends, because dispite all you want to say otherwise, it is MAINLY their day. Now before you jump all over that, I am perfectly aware that it is NOT all about the bride and groom. The guests are important, but it is the day that they want to be as perfect as they can get it and if my friend wants me to wear a bright orange ruffled nightmare I will. If she wants me to sit away from my fi (which I will probably have to anyway since he is DEF her fi's best man) I will. I have all of my life with fi to cuddle and be unified with him. I can sacrafice a few hours of eating to have the spotlight be on her. I can dance with my fi during that part of the reception and cuddle with him at the after party.

LauraJean3 · July 2009

I don't think it's "rude" to separate couples - they agreed to have one or both of them in your wedding party! Realistically, they won't have their date with them by their side for the whole time prior to the ceremony; what's another hour or so afterward? Also, what if someone from your wedding party comes without a date? Should they feel ostracized from the group because a few people from an online forum tells you a head table is so 1980, when people TODAY do head tables ALL the time? In the last five years, I've been to at least 30 weddings of all shapes, sizes, traditions, and budgets, and I have never heard a single person complain about not being near their date for that time. If you are very, very concerned, you could do a cluster of sweetheart tables with the party + guests + you and FI sitting near each other. I've seen that at the one wedding I've been to that didn't have an explicit head table. At my wedding, we all sat around a main table in the center of the room and sat the party's dates near by. Just make sure your reception runs efficiently and that you sit your party's dates with people they definitely get along with and everything will be fine.

izayahsmom · July 2009

Personally, we are having a sweetheart table. I think that it is more romantic to be sitting with your new hunny and soaking it all in. We are having 2 round tables specifically for the bridal party and their dates so we could avoid any awkwardness.I think that it is a personal preference as to whether you want one or not. You should not feel bad for separating someone in your WP from their spouse. If you wanted the spouse to be in the wedding your would have asked them..JMO......it's your BP, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Besides, do you really think your guests are going to say "oh, how rude are they for not seating the spouses with the WP!" I highly doubt it.Have fun. Yes, you are throwing the reception for your guests, but I don't think that about 45min is going to be crucial. You are going to be eating, it's not the end of the world.

CallaBear16 · July 2009

Wow! People need to be respectful of others opinions, ideas, and preference for tradition. It's ridiculous to tell someone that they are wrong when the wedding world (and the WORLD itself, for that matter) is filled with SO MANY DIFFERENT traditions, beliefs, ideas...etc. Who wants every wedding to be the same anyways?? How boring would that be!!! I would definitely not worry about the head table being outdated. I still see them all the time, and we will be having one at our wedding. Personally, the sweetheart table is not for us. We chose our wedding party because we want to share our wedding day with our closest friends and honor them as such. That IS the point of having a wedding party, isn't it? I definitely don't think that their guests would expect to sit at the head table with us. Just because they don't sit at the head table does not mean they are any less respected as a couple! I feel very confident that they are able and WILLING to sit with other friends and guests through the dinner and make conversation. HEY--- they might even make a new friend or two! After dinner, I don't expect ANYONE to stay sitting down (except maybe my grandmother? and other elderly guests, of course). Everyone will be dancing and mingling. From that point, if they want to sit down, I do not think it is important that they sit in their assigned seat/table. I certainly don't expect the wedding party to stay at the head table after dinner is over. Go for whatever feels right for you!

shigaites · July 2009

I think it's important for everyone to remember that this is a case of cultural differences more than anything.What may be considered rude in one person's culture and background isn't to another's. To say that the other person's culture is wrong is being pretty insensitive. Let's practice some cultural relativism!As we can see from the wide range of responses to this thread, for some people, based on their background and ideology, they think a head table is inappropriate. For other people, it's considered an honor in their area. Who is right? They both are! Ask people in your local area what they think of the head table. I know in my area they are still extremely common and it would be quite surprising to not see one at a wedding. Maybe in other areas they are rarely used. In the end it's about what you're comfortable with doing.

ashesfall · July 2009

The OP never said she was going to follow the tradition just for the sake of it and no one else did either. We merely wanted to point out other schools of thought where having a head table is perfectly acceptable and not rude to your guests. As another poster said "the other guests are not going to be sitting there looking at the head table thinking 'how rude are they for making the couples split up'" and another poster said "you can not please everyone" both of them were correct. Some of your guests may not appreciate it but if they are your friends I sincerely doubt that the only thing they take away from your wedding is how upset they were they didn't get to sit and eat dinner with their SO and spend the picture taking time cuddling and sharing their own romantic feelings. They will take away the fact that they got to share in your day even if they didn't get a place of honor and will enjoy the time they did get to spend with their SO. I understand that you feel it is rude to split them up but this was a question asked by an anxious bride who needs to see all sides and decide for herself not be constantly told by a few people that its a terrible idea and have those same people try and argue with everyone who can see it in a positive light.

prettynpink1987 · July 2009

I have been stressing about the same thing but we have decided to stick with the head table because we also have a large WP and my fiance and I really want to be seated with them. We are also having a stations reception so there will be alot of walking around throughout dinner so the guest will not really be confined to their table so the type of dinner you are having is something you may want to think about. Also I have to disagree that the reception is not about you I belive that weddings should be about the bride and groom and that its important for you guys to be happy because although its important to consider others feelings, no matter what you do someone will be unhappy so you can't sacrifise yours and your grooms happiness for everyone else.

KrisLP21 · July 2009

I've never been to a wedding without a head table, nor have I ever heard it considered rude. I have married and engaged bridesmaids and none of them have a problem with being split from their significant others. All of our friends know each other so there won't be anyone left alone without anyone to talk to. My fiance will be the best man in a wedding next year and I have no problem being split from him while he's doing all the wedding party stuff. I'm sure I'll be ok being away from him for a couple of hours. I live with him, so I think I can give him up long enough to be with his friend. Including to sit at a head table. Also, there are times when you can't be all about what you want for your wedding and make compromises for your family, your guests, whoever. But if you worry about what your guests want for everything, you'll never be able to settle anything. There are times where you do have to say, "this is my wedding, and this is what I want."

najajko · August 2009

Why does it sound like "and guest" implies SO? If the individual you are inviting is bringing a date who is not connected to anyone at the party, you as the host are not being rude. The individual bringing the guest is being rude. IMO, a wedding reception is just a big party. At parties, I expect my guests to mingle and meet new people. Why should this party be different? If someone's SO doesnt know anyone, leave him/her at home and bring a friend that will appreciate a good party and new people. A head table should be for the guests of honor. If your WP does not feel honored at a head table, then scrap it! Let the individuals choose ahead of time where they want to sit and seat them accordingly. now how hard was that? C&R, good luck and congratulations on the decor package! I am very grateful you asked this question, because now I am reconsidering the head table also. I never thought of not having one. The extensive input was very enlightening. Our WP is 22 total, including us (we both come from big families!). That would make one ridiculous head table! I think the WP attire is enough to make them stand out at the tables with the general population.

banana468 · August 2009

If someone's SO doesnt know anyone, leave him/her at home and bring a friend that will appreciate a good party and new people.Surely you can't be serious!

Head table no no?

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