Money Guilt

mandiroo · August 2009

Is there any way yo can contribute??? We're having a $40K wedding, but my parents are just paying $15K. They told me that's all they can give me and what I go over is what I'm responsible for. I went way over, and have worked my butt off the past year to pay for it too. My FI had enough money saved for a down payment on a house, so we didn't have to worry about that. It makes me feel better knowing that although I picked out some expensive things, my parents aren't having to go in debt for it. Maybe there's something you can help out with?

kaunilogan · August 2009

Wow, I wish I could spend that much! haha I am trying to do a $5K South FL wedding and it's sooo hard. Dad and Mom are divorced. Dad said he could help out with $5K, but Mom and Stepdad are not able to contribute like that because only Stepdad is working and the cost of living down here sucks. I feel so bad asking for stuff like that. I was laid off from a teaching job last month (they are laying off/surplussing teachers like crazy down here), so its nearly impossible for me to contribute much (especially with student loans...). FI is doing all he can to make sure our mortgage and bills are paid without my help. Thank God for him! I'm glad we already have our house so we don't have to worry about that, too! We want to have something small but both families are pretty big and some people would be horribly upset if they werent invited, so instead we have to up the list from 60 people to probably over 100, which makes EVERYTHING more expensive! Anyway, if your parents aren't worrying too much about it, just enjoy being able to do it! It is going to be one of the best days of your life and if you can have all of the things and people you want there, go for it!! Good luck!!

britab · August 2009

I felt guilty and my wedding was under $10,000. I just tried to remind myself my parents are financial stable and I chose cheap things when possible. Talk to your parents and don't let your guilt ruin your day. Relax! GL!

leda&honey · August 2009

i didnt want to spend a huge amount on the wedding so i choose a budget that was well within the means... $2,000 yup two thousand dollars and let me tell ya it was the best decision ever! my fi and i didnt want a huge wedding and wanted it to be simple but elegant being 2 months away we are well within our desgin and budget. my fi had lost his job for two months and just found another one thankfully! so do what you want and dont invite people you dont know - i hate the idea of being introduced to someone at my own wedding. good luck and be creative

[Deleted User] · August 2009

Awwwwwwwww man!! Ever since I left college/home I never asked my parents for anything and I was DARN PROUD of it. Asking them to cut me some cheques for my wedding (modest as it is) makes me super guilty!! I'm so with you!My folks worked it out really well, though:They set aside 10K for the wedding and said I could spend all of it if I wanted, or just some of it. But regardless of where the cash goes, it will go to me after the big day! So far I'm looking at a 6K wedding I think so I have the rest of the money coming to me as a wedding gift! It worked really well to keep me practical and thrifty. Because of this I'm sticking to budget...well...more like BELOW budget.So that's cool.

melisann1981 · August 2009

I got lucky b/c my parents gave me a set amount and said whatever is leftover goes on the downpayment for our home. Knowing that was big motivation to keep costs down and we just purchased our new home 2 weeks ago! Our wedding (next weekend) is still going to be exactly what we wanted so I'm really grateful to my parents!

mkking · August 2009

Wow! and to think that I was starting to feel guilty about my EXTRAVAGANT $8,000 wedding. Hindsight is 20/20. Cut the losses at $10,000 because you'll still end up with $40,000 left over and that is a lot more than 0. Wow, I am just really shocked that you're parents agreed to that much money. My dad advised me to elope. I wish my FI would have gone a long with that, but he wanted the wedding. $50,000 would buy a lot of things for your new life. People are crazy to spend more than 10,000 on a wedding. My wedding isn't "cheap" looking. It is probably the most extravagant wedding on this end of VA.

lyndausvi · August 2009

Cut the losses at $10,000 because you'll still end up with $40,000 left over and that is a lot more than 0. Wow, I am just really shocked that you're parents agreed to that much money. I do not think you understand. Her parents are spending the money, not agreeing for her to spend the money. There is a difference. I do not think they said 'here is $50k, whatever you do not spend is your to keep'. I imagine they are TOGETHER picking out venues and things and the parents are just paying. Example, I wanted a beach wedding with all our family and friends. They went out and found a few places to have a beach wedding in THEIR price range. I never said I have to have the wedding at 'x' place, I let them decide how much they wanted to spend. When I was picking out invites I found some only for my parents to tell me I was being too cheap. So then I found some a little nicer. They like those so that's what I got. I let them guide me to their price range, not force them to spend more than they wanted.

shakes · August 2009

I get it! OH I GET IT. My mom and stepdad are paying for 90% of our wedding. It's a big formal traditional wedding. I have offered 1000 ways to cut costs but am always met with "No, we will not cheap out on this wedding! End of story!" It's a HUGE source of pride for my parents to be able to do this. My mom came from nothing and made an amazing life for herself. My stepdad has no kids and considers it an honour to provide our guests with the best of everything. I had huge guilt issues in the beginning, I have never demanded anything or felt entitled. I have since accepted that they wouldn't do this if they didn't have the money or the will to do so. I get a lot of flack from people who think I am a spoiled brat because of it. If they knew how far my mom has come and their reasons why, they would understand. I don't feel my parents should have to justify what they want to do for us to other people. My FI is having a hard time with it, but he's learning, it's what they have always wanted to do. It's more than I ever let myself dream about as a child. We already own our house, are well educated and established. We are honoured and humbled by this momentus gift we are being given and do not take it lightly at all. My FI is 35....we're not broke kids! I understand sweety, don't let other people on here get you down. Not everyone has parents like we do, just don't forget that. Make your marriage last and give it your everything...that's all my parents want in return. Enjoy your day, guilt free and with love! xo

mrsalbrechttobee · August 2009

With the way of the economy that is a lot of money right now. I am feeling that way too though, but we're scaling ours way back. We're having a very intimate ceremony, then following an intimate reception with just a few friends and close family members. Our entire wedding is only costing us about 5,000 including the attire for both the me and my groom. We aren't able to have the wedding that we wanted but it's more important for us to be married than to have a huge wedding. Despite the fact, you do only get married once, but that seems a little excessive to spend all that money on one day. Maybe you should scale it back a lot if your feeling concerned about the bill your parents are flipping.

Budnotes · August 2009

We are getting married in November and the venue we picked told us it was their "off-season" so we were able to get a discount on the wedding package we selected.Do your homework and shop around A LOT!!! It's the best way you know you'll get a good price. This way you can still have your traditional wedding without breaking the bank.Do lots of the work yourself - print your own invitations; make your own centerpieces. Also shop around A LOT online. I found tons of great deals on wedding stuff that costs a fortune in a lot of local stores. This will also help save you money. Check out www.orientaltrading.com and www.terrysvillage.com. Both have really great wedding items and very inexpensive. Good luck to you!

[Deleted User] · August 2009

I totally understand your the way you are feeling. I have a similar situation, FI and I are paying for the great majority of the wedding, but since FI earns about 3x what I do that means he is paying most of "our" part, which I feel really guilty about. My suggestions to you are this: you know your parents, but I would say even IF they have flat told you "we are spending this money on the wedding or we're not spending it at all" I would at least express your strong feeling that you guys could put some of th money to better use. Even though you have already selected venues and put done deposits, you can still change your menu and style of reception. maybe choosing a less expensive entree or doing hor d'ouevres instead of a full meal or buffet instead of plated, etc could save money. and finally, do not feel guilty once you have taken reasonable measures to talk with them about it. If your parents have the money to spend, let them do it. This is probably something they have been wanting to do for you for as long as you have been their daughter and they will get as much enjoyment out of this gesture as you will. Be thankful, because a lot of parents would love to do this for their kids but don't have the means

ryanres1 · August 2009

I approached my parents about the cost of the day too, we wanted to elope - so cost effective - but the parents said a wedding was an important way to bring the families together. We also talked about other uses for the funding, it was the big white day or nothing so here we are ... many many many dollars later.

Calypso1977 · August 2009

Your parents would not have offered this if they could not afford it. sadly, this is not always true. many parents feel guilted into paying for their daughter's weddings because of societal or family pressures, and simple "keeping up with the joneses".IMO, unless you are under 18 and still under your parents control, you have every right to politely refuse money, and nothing can be "forced" on you. If they wont let you use the money for a house, then that's their choice since its their money, but it is your choice whether you accept any money from them.

hokiejennylynn · August 2009

I struggle with this too b/c our wedding is going to be pretty expensive. My dad insisted on paying for the bridesmaid dresses (9 of them) b/c he hates the idea of girls having to buy a dress they will never wear again. I said that I would not feel guilty about that b/c he insisted. Right now I am in the flower, photographer, cake phase and I feel ridden with guilt b/c even as I try to save money, it seems it really doesn't make that much of a difference at the end of the day. (i.e cake is $4-$5/slice whether I get it done by an amatuer who works out of her house or the best shop in town). It sucks to have to pay so much for these things for one day. I think that if your parents can afford it and are insisting on things then look at it as a huge blessing that they love you so much and want to provide such a special day. If you really feel strongly about putting money toward a home, maybe ask them to give you the budget upfront and then see if whatever you don't spend they will let you keep for the money towards a home.It is "just one day" but another angle to that is that it is a really important day in your life and you won't do it again so don't feel too guilty. Your parents love you and want to throw you a great party. How awesome!

aaargo · August 2009

I had a wedding with over 100 guests for less than $5000. That includes all attire, gifts for the wedding party and parents, hotels, etc. Here is the link to how I did it:http://aakiscoming.blogspot.com/2009/05/kirkpatricks-get-married.html

bharman79 · August 2009

If you feel that guilty about it and stand to lose so much money...then why don't each of you get a second job to help pay for it. there is still plenty of time. You can get a part time job that makes 500 extra bucks a month i am sure. That is a grand a month right there if you are both willing and able to do it. That is why i did....my fiance' and i are paying for all the smaller parts of the wedding....like the cake, flowers, invitations, save the dates, favors, photographer and dj. those all add up but if they can be resonsible for the recetion you take care of the rest that might take some of the financial burdon off of them and make you feel less guilty. I am the youngest of 7 and the last daughter to get married so they wanted a really nice wedding....so we offered to help out with what we could and we get the nice wedding and don't have to feel badly about it! just an idea

Theresa626 · August 2009

I am so glad to be reading this thread and know I'm nto the only one feeling this way. My parents wanted to add all of their cousins and my second cousins to the guest list whom I don't even know even though my fiance is only inviting 25 people TOTAL. I gave them choices for the reception hall and though I strongly suggested the cheaper option, they picked the most pricey venue. Of course, I'm happy with the choice but with the choice and their guest list additions, it will add another 8 thousand or so to the budget so we're looking at 38 to 40 thousand dollars. I feel that is too much to spend. But, they want to throw a nice wedding and it is their money. I do feel happy that I am contributing 10 thousand and I'm going to try to save up more to contribute. I also just bought a brand new townhome so I dont' have to worry about purchasing a hosue so that's a big relief.

keller · August 2009

Hey, don't do it if you are feeling guilty, it will just put some damper on the day. Remember, the bride gets what she wants, if you scale it down you'll be happier, right? You shouldn't have to feel guilty. The most expensive thing of ours will be the cake. Everything else will be 5k or under, for everything!

futurestepmama · August 2009

I plan on having one child (please be a girl, please be a girl) and my fiance has 1 daughter and I would be delighted to give them their dream weddings someday. This is YEARS away, so I don't know if that will be possible, but I feel that if I saved for years to do this for them, I would not want my daughter/stepdaughter to feel even a TINY bit guilty over it. I would not offer if I couldn't.Also, I doubt your parents would be willing to give you 50k for a wedding and then let you go homeless. Bottom line is parents like doing things for their kids. They'll enjoy throwing you this wedding and they might even help you with a house someday.It's not your choice, so just enjoy it! Let your parents spoil their daughter, and don't feel badly (unless, of course, you pressured them into it, which it certainly doesn't seem like). Love your day and make sure your parents know how much you appreciate their gift (not hand-out). Good luck!

akns · August 2009

Yes! I definately felt that way for awhile. I felt it again when I registered for gifts and now as my first shower is approaching I'm feeling it.It's like everything in you that is logical says to go to the courthouse, get married and throw that money towards a house or student loans. I just sat down with my parents and told them exactly what I was feeling and they made me feel much better. They told me this wasn't about what made sense, it is about a celebration. We make such a big deal because, well, it's a Big Deal!Feel guilty if you threw a tantrum everytime your parents said it was getting too expensive and your wedding ended up leaving them broke.It seems like you are a really thoughtful person and deserve a beautiful wedding, let your self enjoy it guilt free!

mizu22 · August 2009

I think it's fine. I know it's a lot of money, but they seem to WANT to do this. I say let them and thank them. If it really really bothers you, scale back. Otherwise, let them do it and just enjoy the generosity!!

roselyn81 · August 2009

Glad to hear I'm not the only one going through this. Theresa, sounds like we both have similar experience with cost and guest list!

mmcbrid3 · August 2009

My parents are footing most of the bill too, and sometimes I cannot believe they are using a down payment on a house for one day. My fiancé and I are doing our best to makes sure we find ways to cut down the cost of the wedding, and we feel that is all we can do. No one really understands the cost of the wedding until you start to plan, but I am sure your parents (and you conscience) will feel much better if you find some ways to scale down the cost of the wedding. Find some DIY projects to help with the cost. But do remember...You only get married once, so have no regrets ♥

alinkchicka · August 2009

I am not getting married till 2011 and I already feel this problem coming on. My parents a divorced and my dad is giving me 10k and my mom feels like she needs to match it but she really, really, really can't afford it. I am still in school and working part time but I should be done with school and have about a year to save up some money and my FI is in med school so he doesn't have a job. I have expensive taste so I am just trying to keep it under control and I am trying to buy some of the little stuff now and get good deals. I bought my ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket at Big Lots for 2 dollars, which I was really proud of because who sees those anyway? So I am just focusing on what do I really want and what are people not even going to notice. I am already working on some DIY projects to save money. I am hoping that I can save up some money and use my dads money and maybe a little from my mom so she feels like she contributed but diffinately not send her into debt.

BLAKNCUTE · August 2009

Remember, your wedding is your day, and even though you have to respect your parents wishes, it is YOUR DAY! Please talk to your parents before you start to resent the fact that so much money is being spent and you dont truly agree.

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