MOH planning on bringing her 1 year old to wedding

Mara Tascione · August 2009

Hi,So I was planning on having a no kids wedding. It's an evening event and I am spreading the word that it is going to be black time optional. My MOH got pregnant unexpectantly...she's not married, but does live with the father. She lives out of state so she will have to fly here. I didn't plan on having kids in my wedding. Last night she was going on about her unborn daughter's first bday party and how I need to come down for it...I said well I hope to be on my honeymoon since it's the week after my wedding and she was like oh well will celebrate her 1st birthday at your wedding. I said well its at night and I'm not having other kids at the reception...she did respond. She is a dear friend and I don't want to offend her, but honestly its my wedding and I don't want kids running around. Plus it's an evening wedding and shouldn't they be in bed? It's not like she can leave her with a babysitter because she is out of state? Should I mention to her now a year before that if it's too much stress for her to be the made of honor I can find someone else.....??? Any advice?

Ainslie325 · August 2009

I would offer to provide a babysitter for the reception. This should be pretty feasible, especially if your venue is a hotel (sitter can stay in their room, or hotel would probably be willing to provide a "hospitality suite" space for the evening, assuming they're not completely booked). I presume your MOH is an important part of your life-- I wouldn't relieve her of her duties so quickly. She wants to be a part fo your day, and she's making the trip (at her own expense)...I don't think anyone needs to be relieved of duty here. If she's important to you, paying a responsible teenage-child-of-invited-guest $12 to watch tv while the one year old sleeps soundly isn't too much of a sacrifice to make her feel at ease enough (difficult as a new parent) to have fun at your reception.

evseidl · August 2009

Are you honestly expecting your maid of honor (hopefully friend before you asked her to be a MOH) to forget about her kid and come to wedding because "honestly its my wedding and I don't want kids running around?" Wise up hun-- people have lives that do not revolve around your wedding, and if she needs to bring her child because she can't leave him/her with anyone, then she needs to do it. She was a mother before your MOH. That said, I disagree with celebrating her 'unborn' child's birthday at the wedding? I don't think thats really appropriate. haha. How about this: hiring a babysitter (or have several parents chip in, as I suspect this notion of bringing your kids to a 'destination' wedding will happen with at least 1 other group of folks you invite) at their hotel? At least the kids wouldn't be at the reception with you guys.

caitymur · August 2009

I agree with Ainslie, see if you can find her a sitter so that she can still attend and be MOH, but she doesn't have to leave her kid at home. I do find it odd that she wanted to celebrate the child's 1 year birthday at your wedding though.

Mara Tascione · August 2009

Well that's the thing my wedding isn't at a hotel it's at Elm Banks in Wellesley so we have to get dressed off site this venue doesn't have a spare area. All my bridesmaids have kids and they all said they don't want their kids at the wedding because it's at night. My MOH isn't really being a MOH anyways because she lives in NC and has passed the shower, bachlorette party, etc off to one of my bridesmaids. if I had a big family with tons of cousins maybe getting a sitter would be an option, but I don't. I know her personality very well and she will make my wedding about her daughter. I know it's horrible to say, but I know her and I can see it happening. I don't like being the center of attention, but it would be nice to get one day like my wedding....

jrmailloux · August 2009

If all of your other bridesmaids have kids, are any of them friends with your MOH? Could she perhaps have her child stay with the child(ren) of another bridesmaid and that babysitter?

jthennigar · August 2009

I agree w/ everyone else - find a sitter. If your MOH is from out of state, she will have to stay in a hotel somewhere, right? So you could hire the babysitter to watch the 1 year old at the hotel room they rented, regardless of whether or not your reception is at a hotel. Also, whether she is the MOH or not, she would still have the issue of the child and what to do with the baby while she attends the wedding, even if she stepped down as MOH. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues w/ MOH and need to work those out.

Ainslie325 · August 2009

Sounds like your real issue is resentment with MOH becasue she hasn't been as involved as you'd like her to be. Your last post makes it seem as though you'd be grateful for the "reason" to excuse her. Figure out where your MOH will be staying and make the offer to provide a sitter. By the time you make the offer, she'll probably have found a solution on her own, or, if not, you'll be making her life easier by providing one. I guarantee you, if you remove her from the wedding party for this reason, you're going end up on the wrong side of public opinion (regardless about what your guest or BM's may ay to affirm your decision)s

foolforfood · August 2009

Even if you relieve your MOH of her duties, you will still invite her as a regular guest, won't you? There's probalby no way she would want to leave her 1 yr old at home, especially during its bday weekend. So you'll have to deal with the NO KIDS issue regardless. I say hire a babysitter at your expense.

EKobrenski · August 2009

I agree with pp for the most part, but I don't think most people would leave a 1 year old with a sitter they didn't know.

EKobrenski · August 2009

Also, I'm gonna be honest here and say that you sound selfish. I don't know if this is what you mean, but it sounds like you are competing for attention with a future one year old. I think your MOH was prob joking about celebrating the 1st bday at the wedding, it sounds like she meant that you could wish the baby a happy birthday or something. To be honest, it sounds like she has a lot going on and your wedding is important but of course the child is going to be her first priority. Maybe when the baby is born she will be ready for a break like th rest of your BMs and he or she can stay with the father that night. But try to put yourself in her shoes as a first time parent.

Mara Tascione · August 2009

ok I guess I'll have to find a stanger to watch her daugter. My bridesmaid aren't comfortable watching her child because they don't know her and their kids will be staying with family. They don't want to burden their moms/dads with babysitting another kid. I didn't mean to sound selfish I just figured I'd be giving her an out because it was un expected pregnancy and she asked if someone else could take over all the planning. I said that was fine I honestly don't care. I figured she had enough going on and didn't need to worry about a stupid thing like a wedding when she had her daughter to worry about.

jenvalet · August 2009

Do the other BM's live in town? Or will they all be traveling? We allowed a select few people to bring their kids because they were traveling from OOT. It was no big deal. The kids were very well behaved. One was under 1 and I didn't even know he was there!

LucyD1029 · August 2009

I think it's sad that your other bridesmaids aren't willing to help her out, since they've already arranged for childcare. When my aunt & uncle sit for their grandkids, they often take in a friend or two, it's not a big deal. You've put your MOH in a really tough place. She can either leave her baby at home (assuming she has someone to babysit), leavee her baby with a stranger, or not come to the wedding. What would you do?

LucyD1029 · August 2009

Is your friend due next week?

evseidl · August 2009

I'm guessing the word, "compromise," isn't in your vocab. lists this week in school, hu? After seeing some of your responses, i'm not sure I would want to be your MOH, and would be thankful for the 'out' you've so graciously provided me.

erilouboston · August 2009

Mara - I see where you are coming from - we were adamant that no children come to our wedding. We're flexible on some things, but not this issue. And our wedding is on Halloween so we told everyone early that if they want to stay home with their kids and trick-or-treat, we'd understand. It's an invitation, not an obligation to attend. Yours is a different situation because none of the members of our bridal party have kids, but 2 of my FSIL's have children and we've offered to help them make arrangements because they are not bringing those kids to our wedding. It's understood on my side of the family that kids don't attend weddings, but we had to make that clear to FI's side. You break the rule for one, it breaks the rule for everyone. In our case, his family is going to bring a family friend with them who is not related and not invited to the wedding, and she's going to stay at the hotel and watch the kids so the grownups can have a good time. Would that be an option? Could your MOH bring someone with her who could stay behind at the hotel? I don't get why the child can't stay home, if the father is staying home - but I admittedly claim ignorance on this since I've never had children. One would assume they'd want to escape for an evening - but hey, I hate kids so I'm biased.

foolforfood · August 2009

My cousin's newborn was introduced to everyone at my wedding. It didn't bother me at all, as I didn't notice any of this activity. But then again, I didn't have an adult only reception.I've also been to a wedding in which the bride asked her friend onto the dance floor and gave her a lit cupcake (they had a cupcake wedding "cake") b/c it was her friend's bday. It was cute and nobody forgot that that it was still the bride's day.

coppolafamily · August 2009

You keep mentioning her unplanned pregnancy- why does it matter one way or the other? I understand her getting pregnant affected your wedding, but any friend of mine would be thrilled for me to be having a baby and for me to be in her wedding regardless. I say find a sitter if you are against the baby being there.

angelaboston650 · August 2009

Hey, I'm a little late and just read your post, but am sure you've received good advice so far. I'm replying because I'm in a similar situation, MOH is pregnant and FIs sister-in-law just had a small baby. I mentioned that I'd prefer no children, but they said they were bringing the kids. I put them in the wedding party. Another friend is also bringing her small child (3 y.o.)Basically, I'm just rolling with it. You can make your wishes known and I think people will do what they chose to. If it REALLY bothers you, I think hiring a sitter is a great solution.I know that when I was a MOH I put out A LOT of money and effort to help out, so it would be a nice "extra" gift to her... and if was an issue for other guests, they could take advantage too.In the end, it's REALLY about family and friendship and you wouldn't want to damage a relationship by excluding any part of your best friends (MOHs) family right? Best of luck whatever you chose!

aarchidi · August 2009

I was in a similar situation, My best friend had a child who will be 10 months at the time of our wedding. I asked her to be in my wedding and she declined as she was a new mother. Then one day we were hanging out and she said just so you know I am brining the baby to your wedding. At frist I was appalled then hurt, then tried to hint that it was an adults only wedding, then got over it when another friend gave advice very similar to above posts.To make a long story short, the wedding is in 5 weeks, she is comming and there is a babysitter. It'll all work out either way. the wedding is about you and your FI, everything else is icing on the cake

mrsandmrsbins · August 2009

Kids or no kids at a wedding brings out alot of emotions in people. Alot of people are very comfortable having children around, and sometimes take offense that kids would not be welcome (especially their kids). Other people are really distracted by small children, who like it or not, sometimes do run around and command attention. Not all parents are appropriate with small kids at weddings, while others know when to take cranky kids out. It also can create a fine line for some guests, that guests baby is ok to come, but others aren't. In the end, it is perfectly acceptable to have a no-kids wedding, you just have to be up front about it and give her options, like finding sitters. It sounds like you have alot of time to plan if the wedding is over a year out. If she doesn't want to be MOH anymore thats fine too, it sounds like she will have alot on her plate with this pregnancy.

Jaclyn619 · August 2009

I'm not a huge fan of kids myself and I'm also not having kids at my wedding....Maybe like she said ^...pay for her to bring a sitter?...so it's not leaving the baby with a stanger. Or else ask a friend you both know from up here to watch the child... Personally I think if the father of the child isn't coming, he should just watch the child.

coppolafamily · August 2009

I just read your post on the Wedding Party board and now it is very clear why you wouldn't want her daughter there. If your soon to be step son will only be included in the ceremony it will hurt his feelings if other children are present and he isn't at the reception. Can you hire a sitter then have them get to know one another through email or phone calls prior?

ErinMike2 · August 2009

Mara,So I have come across something similiar just this morning. Not my MOH but me future sister in law just expected the kids to be invited and went out and bought a dress for her 1.5 year old daughter for our wedding. (ours isn't even until June) My fiance is upset that I won't make an exception for his neice but like you, I do not want kids at the reception. My own daughter who is our flower girl is only coming to the reception for a short time. I don't understand what the big deal is with having the child stay with her dad back home? This is your special day and you are spending all this money to have it be perfect so if you say no kids, then no kids. It is nothing against your MOH or the child. People may call it selfish but that is the one day you are allowed to be selfish, its you and your FIs day, no one elses.evseidl- why so harsh? I'm sure there are things you do and do not want at your wedding. Have the baby stay with her dad. Its thier baby and thier responsibility

LucyD1029 · August 2009

If my MOH was about to give birth to her first child, planned or unplanned, I'd be ecstatic! I wouldn't be on the knot bitching about her.

Scarlet856 · August 2009

One of my bridesmaids and FSIL also got pregant after I asked her to be in the wedding. Her baby will be only weeks old at the time of the wedding and she more or less announced that she intends to bring the baby to the wedding. This would be the same if she was in the wedding or not as so is FSIL. It is not only a night wedding but a NYE wedding. Apparently a sitter isn't an option because the baby will be so young. I have no other choice then to role with it. So that's what I plan to do any maybe what you should consider as well. In a perfect world things would be different but as many of the pp mentioned the wedding is about being with your friends and family to celebrate your big day. Duties or not MOH is MOH because she is close to you, I assume. Having a baby is a life altering event. It sounds like MOH could use a friend - not a bridezilla! GL!

kebmtm071605 · August 2009

You sound like you could care less about your moh's feelings. That being said...you need to just give her time. The baby isn't even born yet. She might feel perfectly ready to leave the baby for a weekend by the time your wedding rolls around. But then again, she may not. No one will know until the time comes. But no one can make that decision but your friend. If you adamantly do not want her baby coming, then you need to make the decision of which is more important to you...your friend attending (with the baby) or a child-free reception. It is your decision to make...just realize your decision could end your friendship.

evseidl · August 2009

I didn't think I was being harsh, I thought I was being honest. This seems to be the MOH's first child (could have been her 9th for all it matters), but it's an extension of the MOH's personal life and should therefore be taken into consideration when planning a wedding with her as a critical peice in it. Listen here-- we're all brides, so we all understand what it's like to want to have a day, a few hours, whatever, for the focus to be on the bride and groom. i get it. but I also get that a wedding is MORE than just the bride and groom, it's a celebration for the friends and family to join in with the bride and groom and celebrate a long and happy life together. Asking a friend, a MOH in this case, to step down because she's pregnate is a bad call. i don't care who you are; she needs to bring it up with you. Unless you legit don't want her there, and thats a whole different story. Mara, if you are concerned about this, just talk to her. Tell her you'll get a sitter--or together find one (who the mother may know perhaps). But I wouldn't lie to her. If your reasoning for not having her at the wedding is because of the children, tell her that-- perhaps she'll work with you and realize how silly it sounds to bring a 1yr old to a wedding in the first place (not to mention a night time wedding). lets not also forget that is an ENTIRE year + out from right now. Alot of stuff can change. The father of the child may be more prominent in her life than he is now (I sure hope so for the child's sake anyway). If this conversation had happened to me, I honestly would be glad to have an out of the wedding party. Not that you seem like a bad person, but that you aren't willing to give up the fact that it's YOUR day for the sake a friend who is bringing a small child-- which you may or may not notice in the first place. If she's having a hard time finding someone to take care of the child, you should be helping her figure things out, not worry about your wedding 1 year away.

kebmtm071605 · August 2009

FWIW, from the mom perspective after reading some of these posts: 1) I would never leave my children with a stranger, no matter how well the bride or someone else may know them. 2) Neither of my children have ever taken a bottle...they don't know how. My son was exclusively breastfed, and my daughter has been so far too...no formula for either of them. They are not supposed to start drinking whole milk until 1 year. So it is entirely possible that the mother can NOT be away from the child for more than a few hours. This is not the case with all babies, but there is a possibility she couldn't just leave the baby with the dad.3) Some people do not feel comfortable being a plane ride away from their children when they are so young. It is their right to feel this way, and nobody else's place to judge.I'm fortunate that my husband and I have so much family and many friends close by who can watch our children for us...not everyone has that though.

mrsandmrsbins · August 2009

I just wanted to say I also just read your post on the wedding party board and it makes alot more sense now, and that FOB sounds kind of - weird in the least. And if your own family members are not bringing children to the reception, it doesn't make sense to have her baby come. Like you mentioned, if you had known she was pregnant, you wouldn't have asked her to be MOH, knowing the responsibilities it would burden her with. I'm sure you are happy for her, but in response to some things that have been said, I don't think being happy for a friend who's having a baby and inviting said baby to your already planned adults only reception are the same thing. It is am awkward conversation to have with someone to say that while you are happy for their baby, you aren't inviting it. No one should assume their child is invited to a wedding without asking first.

MOH planning on bringing her 1 year old to wedding

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