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Massachusetts-Boston

MOH planning on bringing her 1 year old to wedding

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Re: MOH planning on bringing her 1 year old to wedding

  • edited December 2011
    And ErinMike-- call me the crazy abnormal bride, but I am 100% ready for sh*t to go wrong with the wedding.  and you know what.. i don't care.  Someone can wear a camo-cat-burgeling outfit to my wedding, and i would give an ounce of attention to it.  Wanna know why: Because THANK GOODNESS people are all different in this world.  if thats how they want to express themselves, who the hell and I am to say no.kids, like camo, are apart of people's lives and it's (sometimes) hard to separate those facets of life. This is a wedding, it's not a presidential voting, or something equally as 'public news.'  I shouldn't be the first person to tell anyone that while wearing a big white dress to see my FI/DH at the end of the isle isn't the most important thing in my life.  It's celebrating love, life, and happiness with those that I love-- and being joined to the one I love the most. I almost want to say 'get over yourself, it's just a wedding..." but we're on the knot, and i'm probably going to be reported for saying it. haha.Oh, whoops.
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  • sunshine1084sunshine1084 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    evseidl, is it too late for me to cancel my wedding and marry you instead? haha im SO behind you on this one.
  • edited December 2011
    ... hmm... correction: "I WOULDN'T give an ounce of attention to it." Also, I should mention...   Mara: do whatever you want.  This is just advice, and if having a 100% child-free reception is what you want, then it's what you want.  And as I said before: thank goodness people are all different. I stick with my recommendation of bringing someone up to stay with the child, though.  if you don't, i would expect your MOH to come as a guest to the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    Sunshine-- I fully support multiple marraiges. :) haha.. okay, I don't-- but I can't sit on the sidelines and have people say this crap about an unborn child and a mother that is being protrayed as ignorant and unknowingly bashed on theknot either. how rude! 
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  • edited December 2011
    Evs - LOL "camo-cat-burgeling outfit" - you forgot the Fez ;)
  • edited December 2011
    da*n, your right EriLou... the fez.  Man, I hope that makes an appearance at the wedding. :) Okay.... I was thinking about what I do and don't want at the wedding.  Are you ready-- because it's amazing: 1. I don't want anyone to publiclly urinate in the gardens after hitting the open bar more times than one of those gopher games at a fair.  THAT would cause me to be a bridezilla. 
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  • sunshine1084sunshine1084 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My favorite motto: "It's not the stimulus, it's the response."I'm completely expecting things to go wrong on my big day, there's way too many moving parts for things to go 100% smoothly so you just have to roll with whatever happens and know that at the end of the day, you're still marrying the man of your dreams :)
  • edited December 2011
    Wow! I guess I should have send please don't attack my families and personal opinion to not have kids at the wedding. I'm a little bothered that on board where you post questions....I'm considered bitching and selfish. If someone does not want to take on the rolls of being a MOH why is it selfish to not want to burden them?? If I was having a day wedding/different venue the more kids the merrier. I'm a little old school and don't think kids should be up till midnight at a black tie event. I didn't know that was the new trend. I could care less if I'm not the center of my wedding. That's not who I am -  thank you very much. My parents left my with a sitter anytime they went to a wedding unless I was invited. I would be happy to arrange a sitter if she would like that. I wasn't asking to be attacked just for advice. My bridesmaids all felt that if the MOH didn't want to take on that roll because of her personal life I should say something. I guess I shouldn't have asked for a second opinion on this topic.  
  • edited December 2011
    Ok, just read your other post.  Some thoughts, if I may:1.  Who the he!! doesn't realize they are 6 months prego??2.  You cannot let her bring the baby if your own stepson is not allowed to attend the reception.  I don't quite understand this decision, but hey...3.  A lot of your feelings stem from the fact that she's been MIA.  Your resentment and hurt feelings (however valid) shouldn't cloud up the way you handle this problem.  Remember, kids take up time and money.4.  I also agree that Evs' tone was unnecessarily mean.  (Sorry girl!) 
  • edited December 2011
    Actually I should add if she was a guest I would have less of an issue with her daughter being at the wedding. How is someone suppose to me a MOH and watch their daughter?
  • edited December 2011
     evseidl I get what you are saying but coming from a mom of an 11 month old, a wedding is a long day. One year olds need naps and the freedom to move all around. Where is she going to nap on that day? What is she going to do while her mom is getting ready with the bride and walking down the aisle? What is she needs a nap, where are you going to let her sleep? Its not like she will be a newborn and sleep in her car seat It would not be fair to have the child there nor would it be fair for mara to have a child crying and running/crawling around her reception.
  • edited December 2011
    Actually I should add if she was a guest I would have less of an issue with her daughter being at the wedding. How is someone suppose to me a MOH and watch their daughter? Ok, I am certifiably confused now.  Whose welfare are you concerned about?  Seems now that you're concerned about the 1 year old, but awhile ago you were complaining about paying $10 p/hr for a babysitter.  At some point or another you were concerned about offending your uninvited stepson.  Wouldn't he still be offended if the baby showed up with its mom (your former MOH)????    Really, you should try to forgive your MOH for being MIA.  your resentment is the root of this entire problem.
  • edited December 2011
    whoa whoa whoa..I'm just reading this business about a step-son, hu?And really, you think I was being harsh?  Is it not honest to say that I would rather have this conversation with the bride herself than be put on public display (granted, we don't know names)? c'mon now girls. ;)  This is a personal choice, and as I mentioned first and foremost with my posts here, just find an alternative for the child- babysitter or whatever. Harsh as it may be, I believe in not trying to control other people's feelings/emotions or decisions.  Mara needs to talk to the MOH and figure out a solution that works for the two of them-- if having hte MOH is truely as important as she's making it, then it's important to have it soon.  Let the MOH decide if it's going to be too much for her to handlenothing new here it doesn't seem...
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  • edited December 2011
    Mara - I think this topic, like a couple others, is a "hot button" issue for knotties (it's been a nice break from open bar vs. cash bar arguments at least...) - but you have to take it for what it is - other people's opinions. At the end of the day, it only matters how you feel about the situation, and what you want to do about it. I think the girls are just trying to prepare you for several outcomes that could happen (ie, losing your friendship over this issue as a possibility). Listen - I'm often in the minority with my opinions (especially here) so I get that. Girls on this board have told me my wedding is going to be a "circus" and a whole bunch of other hurtful things that I won't go into - but it's an anonymous forum, and when you post, you open yourself up to this. Just take a couple days and think about your situation and what you want to say to your MOH - maybe even write it down to organize your thoughts. I agree with the other posters that you do need to have a discussion with her over this, but you do have some time since you're still a year out. And speaking from experience, I did lose my first MOH, my best friend of over 18 years, over a dress - long story short, it wasn't about the dress - but I did realize throughout the situation who my real friends were, and what relationships were worth keeping. It's a hard situation, I won't sugar coat it - but in the end, all we have in life is choices - you choose the best one for you. Sorry - that got long...
  • edited December 2011
    Oh erinmike-- couldn't agree with you MORE!  I never said to bring the child to the reception. haha.  I wouldn't want a 1yr to be as unhappy as only a 1yr old can get.   How many times did I already suggest a babysitter?I'm just saying it's important for the bride (mara) and the MOH to have a conversation about this and figure someting out personally-- not publically-- that can work.  It just seemed like an easy way out for Mara-- one that, as the MOH, I would take.  It's too much trouble already. honestly, Mara, was the conversation you two had already awkward?  She may have gotten the point with just that convo and changed her tune anout having the unborn little lady come to the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    EriLou... I look most forward to crashing your circus adult wedding. ;) 
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  • edited December 2011
    ErinMike2, I agree with you that an evening wedding is not necessarily the appropriate venue to bring a 1-year-old.  I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old, and I wouldn't have any desire to bring my kids to an evening wedding.BUT...it's not the bride's job to decide what is/isn't appropriate for her MOH's child (or anyone else's children).  It is entirely possible that bringing the child is MOH's only option other than not attend her very good friend's wedding.
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    Kate ~ Mommy to Matthew 3/29/07 & Kylie 12/30/08 & Chase 3/31/11
  • edited December 2011
    What's this about a step son??
  • edited December 2011
    As a clarification on my initial suggestion to find a sitter for the reception, I do understand that many mothers wouldn't be willing to leave their one year old children with a "stranger," even if said stranger is a close family member or friend of a lifelong friend and will be watching my sleeping child down the street. I don't think I'd have a problem with this myself, but, because I am not yet a mother, I can't say for sure. I do think, though, that this gesture of willingness to help will help keep the friendship intact and is much more financially feasible (for most) than offering to pay to fly a babysitter of MOH's choosing to the wedding. Maybe this gesture of goodwill will keep you from being perceived as the bad guy in this situation; you would be seen as trying to find solutions as opposed to laying down ultimatums in order to preserve the "focus" of your day. Remember, just as you and your fiancé get to make the decisions that are right for the two of you, so should she make the decisions that are best for her and for her family. Ideally, you will attempt to provide her with as many options as realistically possible and avoid forcing her hand or making the decision for her. Remember, just as you think it’s unreasonable for her to want her infant at your wedding, it’s equally unreasonable for you to dictate what she should or should not do as a parent in this situation. I perceive the post on the "Wedding Party" board very differently that some of the other posters do. I don't think the revelation about your future stepson's exclusion from the reception (albeit due to the prevailing attitude of your FI's family) explains anything. I think that you present partial information there and partial information here in order to gather support for your position. There you complain that you're being told you "have to pay for a sitter" without offering the context of this thread in order to make your position seems reasonable and ours irrational). You don’t mention that you’d been soliciting advice from us, and they can’t read the tone apparent in your posts here. Here, you don’t offer any information about your stepson’s exclusion. I personally don’t think that your stepson’s exclusion is the reason you’re wanting MOH’s infant to stay at home. This isn’t about saving anyone else’s feelings here or making life easier for anyone—it’s about creating the kid of day you want! Let’s call a spade a spade here; most of the posters who’ve responded to you would agree that since it’s your wedding, you can rightfully call the shots. I would assert, though, that there’s a right and wrong way to do this. It seems you're looking for agreement, not honest advice. Everyone has their own set of priorities, and planning a wedding is nothing more than a series of choices based on those priorities—even where money is concerned. For me, it would be worth the $50 it might cost to hire a sitter in order to maintain a good relationship with this friend who you say in your original post (here) you care about very much. I'd buy my veil from EBay. I'd buy my shoes at Payless. I'd scale back on appetizers. I'd buy a garter at WalMart. I'd cancel the trumpeter-- because those things don't matter to me. Friends and family do. I don't think it's acceptable to be selfish on your wedding day. In an ideal world, would we have everything our hearts desire? Yes-- but our world is not ideal, and the day is bigger than the trappings we buy and idealized visions we hold.
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    Wedding Date: January 16th, 2010

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    Cycle #5: BFP on June 14, 2011 -- Due Date: February 23, 2012 -- Born: February 26, 2012
  • edited December 2011
    You got harsh responses bc the tone of your post is very harsh and you sound like you are stamping your feet about what an inconvenience your MOHs baby is. I don't know what your intention was, but that's how it reads. I would be pretty devastated if I was MOH and.I read this. When I do have kids, I hope my friends are happy and excited for the new baby. Your post soesnt convey that at all. I totally understand not wanting kids at the wedding, but you're taking it to the next level by thinking about relieving her of her duties. I mean, she's got a lot going on: unplanned baby so she probably needed to scramble to get finances, childcare etc in order, the father doesn't leave the house, so he's prob not bringin in money or much emotional support. Why canlt you give her the honor of being MOH and not participating in any more than she can do? If you don't mind me asking, did you throw her baby shower? I don't mean to sound like P&E and I am typically not so blunt on here, ask anyone, but your attitude toward your best friends child is a bit disturbing.
  • edited December 2011
    Oh and Evs - CRASH AWAY!
  • edited December 2011
    You're contradicting yourself with this.... So if she were "just" a guest, it would be MORE ok for her daughter to be there? But not if she is your MOH? Reality check - just because she is your maid of honor would NOT mean that she is obligated to DITCH her one year old to serve you hand and foot. I guess I go back to my original question - supposing you "relieve her of her duties" as MOH, and then she's relegated to "guest" - what do you expect her to do with the child then? The issue has not gone away. If you really don't want her as your MOH, then tell her. You can use whatever logic you'd like, but if you want her to attend your wedding in ANY capacity it sounds like either she's going to need to find a way to leave the bambino at home or you're going to have to work with her to find a solution for the baby to have someone to watch it. Best of luck to you, and your MOH. Sounds like she has a rough road ahead of her given what you've told us about the baby's father. I hope her family is nearby and supports her. And not for nothing, but you asked for advice and got it. Some of it you liked, and some of it you didn't... but don't complain that some people gave you advice you didn't care for. Yes, this is a board where you can ask for opinions, but not necessarily every opinion will be what you hoped to hear.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    And umm erilou, who said your wedding is a circus?! *put knottie dukes up*
  • Scarlet856Scarlet856 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Erilou,haha my cousin told me that my wedding was going to be like a carnival so don't feel bad. And for the record, your wedding looks like it is going to be awesome and completely non circusy!
  • edited December 2011
    lol-  Yes... ekobs i'm there with you... although when I first read "circus" in regards to the wedding, is it awful that I immediatly went to the most fun times of my life and thought it was a compliment? ;)to each her own.
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  • edited December 2011
    This is going to be DD'ed... I can feel it. ;) 
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  • edited December 2011
    Aw - thanks girls, I won't name names - but circus/carnival or no - I think my wedding is going to be a kick-a** time! I've been told some other stuff that actually kept me off the knot for a bit - but I realized there was so many people I liked here that I shouldn't let someone's opinion keep me off. But it's like I said to Mara - you put yourself out there - people are going to have opinions, often whether you ask for them or not. I don't care what people think of me, never have - probably never will. Call me selfish, say I have my priorities out of whack. I like who I am, and I'm content with choices I've made and that's really all that matters. I need to go find this other post on the Wedding Board now though because the step son thing is still confusing me...
  • edited December 2011
    Ainslie...so perfectly stated.  I agree with you 100%.
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    Kate ~ Mommy to Matthew 3/29/07 & Kylie 12/30/08 & Chase 3/31/11
  • edited December 2011
    I just love how perfectly positive and perky you are erilou... I can't wait to see you with a fez!! :)
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  • edited December 2011
    Mara, is your wedding date 11/28/10?  Please tell me I'm wrong.
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