Wedding Party Advice

bablingbrooke · August 2009

"A wedding is not that freaking hard to plan. With all the resources available via websites, Internet and phone, it's a snap if you don't let it overwhelm you. You narrow down your choices, consult your FI and make a decision. It doesn't take five bridesmaids to pick out invitations or a caterer." Totally true. Between DH, my mom, FMIL, and I, the wedding was planned in 20 days. In 10 days, we booked the venues and caterer and bought the dress. We picked the invites and tuxes in 1 day. The last 9 days before the wedding we ordered the cake, picked the menu, booked the DJ, booked the hairstylist (without a trial), and ordered the flowers. 20 days total of planning. And the wedding was more beautiful and perfect than I could have hoped for.

artemis82 · August 2009

So let me get this straight... The bridesmaid role must be sacred to the bride- it must be her most cherished friends and she is not to gripe about any bad behaviour- NONE! She must put up with jealousy, caddyness, neglect, rudeness and in return she must coddle her bridal party, make sure they're all totally happy with EVERY decision she makes (five individuals all loving the SAME ANYTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!) and ever wearing a bridesmaid dress again-PLEASE! that's the oldest cliche in the book. It almost never happens no matter how hard you try. The dress most likely isn't everyone's style. The bride must shower her girls with appreciation and praise for just showing up and she must constantly check in to make sure they're okay.And yet to a bridesmaid it is to be nothing more than pickup the dress and get yourself to church. She doesn't have to deal with even an ounce of bridal woes or concerns and doesn't need to help even when a kind friend is asking for a bit of assistance- again, not as a slave, but as a friend asking for a favour.OrThe bridesmaid role is only sacred to a bridesmaid when she is kicked out because it means that her friend thinks she isn't a fit friend and then has the right to feel slighted and angry, her behaviour that may have warranted the boot meaning absolutely nothing, and yet her only real reason for being there according to your theory was to wear a dress and stand at the alter in the first placeYOU DON"T MAKE ANY SENSE!You guys can't have it both ways. It isn't fair so stop preaching this nonsense...

duckie1905 · August 2009

I'm sorry that you think that a bride treating her friends like friends and not labor or replaceable dolls doesn't make any sense to you.No one said they were unwilling to provide emotional support. I have no problem listening to a bride whine and complain and I'll even buy her wine while she does it. What I personally don't like is when she asks me to make her favors, help her find vendors, address invites, blah blah blah. That is not my freakin' job-it is the job of that man she is marrying to help her out. My only "job" aka requirement is is buy a dress and show up. That's it. The rest is crap the wedding industry tells you a BM should be doing. For example, the wedding industry tells BMs and brides the WP should stock the fridge of the bride and groom so they don't have to grocery shop after the HM. This is the kind of garbage that the brides complaining on this board believe.We will never agree on this issue. The role of a BM is important to me because I'm her friend, not for what she can get out of me. I am learning that not all brides think like me and the other smart ladies on this board. To some, the WP aren't friend and family, they are props and assitants.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

"The bridesmaid role must be sacred to the bride- it must be her most cherished friends and she is not to gripe about any bad behaviour- NONE!" No, but "bad behavior" that brides often complain about isn't really bad but rather their upset that they aren't being waited on hand and foot. I've advocated kicking people out if they did something that would END THE FRIENDSHIP ANYWAY. "She must put up with jealousy, caddyness, neglect, rudeness and in return she must coddle her bridal party, make sure they're all totally happy with EVERY decision she makes (five individuals all loving the SAME ANYTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!)" No. "and ever wearing a bridesmaid dress again-PLEASE thats the oldest cliche in the book. " I can't speak for everyone but I've never been under the illusion that you ever can plan to wear a BM dress again. "The bride must shower her girls with appreciation and praise for just showing up and she must constantly check in to make sure they're okay." I've never heard this advice given. I've heard that given when BMs completely disappear from the bride's life, won't return phone calls, etc. It's a basic question to ask your friend who has fallen off the face of the earth: "Are you okay?" "And yet to a bridesmaid it is to be nothing more than pickup the dress and get yourself to church." That's all she's OBLIGATED to do. "She doesn't have to deal with even an ounce of bridal woes or concerns and doesn't need to help even when a kind friend is asking for a bit of assistance- again, not as a slave, but as a friend asking for a favour." Bridal woes=bride is taking wedding, self too seriously. "The bridesmaid role is only sacred to a bridesmaid when she is kicked out because it means that her friend thinks she isn't a fit friend and then has the right to feel slighted and angry, her behaviour that may have warranted the boot meaning absolutely nothing, and yet her only real reason for being there according to your theory was to wear a dress and stand at the alter in the first place" No. You wouldn't end a friendship because a friend won't come over and spraypaint flowerpots or embroider doilies in real life, so why would you do so for a wedding? Do you end a friendship every time a friend says she can't help you move or pick you up from the airport? Wedding projects aren't any different. I've said it before and I'll say it again: You have nothing to gain by kicking someone out of your wedding UNLESS THE BM HAS DONE SOMETHING THAT OWULD END THE FRIENDSHIP ANYWAY. I rarely, if ever, have seen that on this board. YOU, not the BM, will look bad to EVERYONE. YOU, not the BM, will not get the benefit of the doubt. And you will regret it. Again, I am speaking as someone who had a terrible MOH and I'm so happy I didn't kick her out because I know I would have regretted it. I can say with 100% certainty that it was best to just ignore the bad behavior and focus on the good that the other BMs did. Life's too short to dwell on things like this. Seriously. It's one day. You don't notice half the details at your wedding anyway, so why would you end friendships over a friend's failure to help you with the details that you and the guests won't even care about the day of?

artemis82 · August 2009

That's the part I do agree with... that they aren't replaceable dolls... but then you guys can't say that their only job is to put on dresses and get to church... that MAKES them replaceable dolls. They are supposed to be women whom the brides loves and who loves her and whom she believes will be there for her while she goes through this exciting, nerv wracking, stressful time. To be there for her emotionally. In regards to actual "physical help" I keep saying that they aren't slave labour- why bring that up again? I mean little things to be helpful... not as the duty of a BM or as part of their "chores" but the way you might ask a friend for help. There are somethings that your groom either isn't supposed to be involved in- ie. your clothing or doesn't want to be involved ie. flowers so it makes sense to get your friends' opinions. This isn't about the duties of a bridesmaid as defined by etiquiette...

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Deanna, you seem to not understand the difference between an obligation (the bare minimum you are required to do) and an expectation. Buying the dress and showing up is the obligation. If the BM can't do that, they aren't going to be in the wedding. They aren't doing the bare minimum. Throwing parties, helping the bride, etc. are expectations. It's expected but not required that they do so. And BMs who don't do this fall into the three categories I outlined before: they aren't the type to do this for a friend anyway, they aren't very good friends of the bride to begin with, or the bride has done something to upset them. Banana's analogy to alcohol is very accurate. But you can't control what people do. You can only control YOUR reaction. I have thought for a long time (and stated as such) that BM problems are really friendship problems. And the friendship has to be fixed. But people just focus on the wedding instead. It takes two to tango. And yes, there are brides who don't do anything wrong and the BM still disappoints. That was me with my MOH. And I don't regret not kicking her out one bit. I know I would have looked back at my wedding photos, seen her not there, and remembered what I did and regretted it. What would I have possibly gained by doing so? That's what I fail to understand about your post. What are you insisting is the upside of kicking out a BM? What outcome did I miss out on that would have been worth alienating someone and making myself look bad?

banana468 · August 2009

Deanna, if you're not talking about the duties of a BM as defined by etiquette then are you talking about the duties as defined by you? Etiquette is such a wonderful thing because it is the social law in how to treat others.Remember, the BM duties are the only things that they need to do and just what they need to do. They're the minimums and to do the minimum isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's all the friend CAN do. Don't treat the extras as what they have to do. They're wonderful things that BMs do because the BMs want to do them.- just as the extras your FI does for you are the things that he does because he want so - and not because you're requiring him to do them.

artemis82 · August 2009

What I am describing is what pschologists call a psychological contract. This includes the contract of friends and the contract between bride and bridesmaids. It is understood as friends that they will be there for eachtoher should the other one every need them. It is understood as a bridesmaid that no matter how much say you may have, ultimately you are going to be buying a dress that someone else has chosen. This dress may not be in your style. The cances of five girls all loving a dress is impossible. Some may like, most even, but you liking the dress enough to wear it after the wedding is a bonus- not a requirement.Whoever called a Bachelorette party/bridal shower a gift... stop. This is exactly the BS I'm talking about that makes a bride feel awful a) when she doesn't get one and b) when she's upset that she didn't get one. These are a rites of passage which are tradition... they are not gifts. for thousands of years brides are doted on and showered with good things to give blessings on their marriage. Brides had ladies in waiting to be like the royalty, that was also the reason for bridesmaids- to help the bride get dressed and maintain her hygeine throughout the festivities. It IS wrong when someone does't want to do this, to whatever means they are able. Even if it is everyone pays for themselves or potluck or whatever. The idea of a shower may be to bring gifts, but the shower itself is not a gift to the bride. These are celebrations and rights of passage. Please be careful in your wording. To the comment about the head table. My point was that my bridesmaid told me before I even started thinking about seating that I could not separate her from her husband. My point in stating this is that she should've trusted me as her friend to take her into cosideration without her having to dictate my seating plans. I hate the idea of having dates separated and I probably would've come to the conclusion of keeping them together myself. I just didn't appreciate being told what I had to do as if I wasn't capable of thinking A) for myself and

of other's needs. Again I may be a bride, but I am also human and a friend. I understand.

mbcdefg · August 2009

for thousands of years brides are doted on and showered with good things to give blessings on their marriage. Brides were also used as bartering chips to exchange land and power between families, and were sometimes married off to men two or three times their age in order to settle their fathers' debts to said older men. Brides had ladies in waiting to be like the royalty, that was also the reason for bridesmaids- to help the bride get dressed and maintain her hygeine throughout the festivities.Actually, bridesmaids were originally intended as decoys to keep away evil spirits or invading villains. They dressed identically to the bride to confuse evildoers. They weren't originally intended to put her shoes on her and throw her parties. Please be careful in your wording.Pot. Kettle. Black. Connect the dots.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Lol @ "psychological contract". You go ahead and tell your BMs that you are now in a "psychological contract" with each other. Let me know how that turns out. No longer worth responding to this post because you refuse to listen to common sense and reason. If you don't want to listen to brides who already had their weddings, who are still on speaking terms with their entire WPs (yes, I still talk to my sister, her bad behaviour at my wedding isn't enough to estrange us, believe it or not), and who say that these things REALLY don't matter, nothing will convince you. But maybe those of us who have walked this road and know what really matters in a wedding have a thing or two for you to learn.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

Deanna, How hard is it for you to understand that it is wrong to treat anyone, especially a BM, (who should be a dear friend) like crap. That's the long and short of it. YOu don't treat them like dolls. You don't treat them like free labor. You don't treat them like gift trees. You don't demand parties and gifts and tons of money from them. You don't demote them or kick them out of your bridal party, and you don't dangle the position in front of them like some kind of dog treat. You don't get upset with them if they can't make it to a party. You give them options on what they are wearing, and make sure it falls in their budget. It's really not that complicated.

candr09 · August 2009

while i'm sure its very entertaining, i dont have the energy to sit and read all the comments and everything else. So basically i'll just respond to the main post.THANK YOU! for writing this! Seriously. Some of the posters on here do tend to make any bride with any sort of complaint feel like a b*tch, and its not fair! Yes, some brides are far to entitled, and thats not right... but alot of brides tend to expect things based on past experiences. If you've been in 5 weddings, and for all five weddings the bridesmaids were great, helping the bride with whatever she needed help with, throwing her a nice shower/bachelorette party... whatever, and then when its her turn to get married her bridesmaids do nothing, yes, she's going to be disappointed, and its not her fault!1- I had to do a little rearranging of my wedding party. I didnt want to do it, but things just didnt feel right after certain situations. And i too have been demoted from being a MOH to a bm. Did it hurt, of course. Was it embarrasing (seeing as at the shower i was moh and at the wedding i wasn't...) yeah, it was. But the bottom line was it was my best friends wedding. I wanted it to be the best it could be for her. If that meant having another friend be her MOH, then thats what it meant. I wasn't going to stop being her friend over it. She simply felt that closer to the other person at that time. All i wanted was forher to be happy, and if someone else being MOH made her happy, than i was all for it. It wasnt a friendship ending move.2- I agreeee. bridesmaids should do more than show up. Maybe some cant (those who are out of town, or whatever) but those who are able, should offer to help with things. Being a bridesmaid is an honor, and it should be appreciated. If someone doesnt want to be involved in picking flowers and making favors, then they should decline being asked to be in a wedding. Or they should at least say "i'd love to be in your wedding, but i really wont be able to help out much due to (fincance, schedule, distance, whatever)" and then the bride can decide that thats okay with her or not.3 - yes, anything can warrent someone being kicked out. Things happen, friendships change. The important thing is that the bride has who she wants standing next to her on her big day.4- i'm not so sure i agree with this one.5- it is a two way street. brides and bm's should work together and appreciate each other.i'm too tired to write much else. but i've been on both sides. i've been a bm, and i'm a bride. But when i was a bm i always at least offered to help with whatever i could. and as a bride, i'd like my bms to help with what they can. I dont need them to go above and beyond, spend money they dont have, or take time off of their jobs to give to me... but if they do have some free time or whatever... yeah i expect them to at least ask if theres anything they can do to make my life any easier.

banana468 · August 2009

What I am describing is what pschologists call a psychological contract. This includes the contract of friends and the contract between bride and bridesmaids. It is understood as friends that they will be there for eachtoher should the other one every need them. It is understood as a bridesmaid that no matter how much say you may have, ultimately you are going to be buying a dress that someone else has chosen. This dress may not be in your style. The cances of five girls all loving a dress is impossible. Some may like, most even, but you liking the dress enough to wear it after the wedding is a bonus- not a requirement.I disagree with this. As a bride, I believed it was my job to make sure that any dress my BMs were going to wear was one that they wanted to wear. I knew that they may not wear it again but I also knew that there was NO way I was going to ask my nearest and dearest friends to spend their hard earned money on a dress that they hated. That's not the appropriate way to treat your friends. If you opt for a large bridal party with varying body types, then you also need to broaden the thinking to different dresses. Keeping your BMs in something that THEY like and makes them look great is IMO, one of the duties of the bride while working with her BMs styles and budgets. I do agree though that wearing the dress after the wedding is a bonus and not a requirement.Whoever called a Bachelorette party/bridal shower a gift... stop. This is exactly the BS I'm talking about that makes a bride feel awful a) when she doesn't get one and b) when she's upset that she didn't get one. These are a rites of passage which are tradition... they are not gifts. for thousands of years brides are doted on and showered with good things to give blessings on their marriage. Brides had ladies in waiting to be like the royalty, that was also the reason for bridesmaids- to help the bride get dressed and maintain her hygeine throughout the festivities. It IS wrong when someone does't want to do this, to whatever means they are able. Even if it is everyone pays for themselves or potluck or whatever. The idea of a shower may be to bring gifts, but the shower itself is not a gift to the bride. These are celebrations and rights of passage. Please be careful in your wording. PLEASE be careful in your thinking. The shower and bachelorette most certainly ARE gifts to the bride. They are parties thrown in her honor! If you're going to look into the past, also look at the financial means of the brides who had those types of parties. Examine the social structure of that tradition. And now, examine the dynamics of the contemporary bridal party. Friends are scattered across the country, weddings are planned with a variety of budgets and many women are far more independent than they were years ago.There is also a huge thing to consider right now with the recession. The budgets of friends three years ago may not be the budget of the same friend right now. It's not for you or anyone to know or judge. Things happen in life. People do get married and jobs change and priorities shift. Sometimes it's just not possible to throw the shower or bachelorette that you did 2-3 years ago because the money isn't there. (and to date, I have never been to a shower that was thrown solely by the bridal party. A parent has always helped to contribute to the costs behind the scenes.)Remember, you can't demand anything of the finances of your BMs ever. Even in buying a dress and being there for the wedding, a bride MUST be aware of the finances of her friends. The shower and bachelorette are lovely parties but they're extras. If you don't get one, your BMs didn't miss fulfilling a requirement. It's unfortunate if that aspect of tradition wasn't part of your wedding but it ends there. Not having one of those parties is not a reason to say that BMs aren't doing their job. Not everything is black and white like that. To think that these are a bride's right is unfortunate thinking and also contributes to a bridal entitlement complex. To the comment about the head table. My point was that my bridesmaid told me before I even started thinking about seating that I could not separate her from her husband. My point in stating this is that she should've trusted me as her friend to take her into cosideration without her having to dictate my seating plans. I hate the idea of having dates separated and I probably would've come to the conclusion of keeping them together myself. I just didn't appreciate being told what I had to do as if I wasn't capable of thinking A) for myself and

of other's needs. Again I may be a bride, but I am also human and a friend. I understand.Perhaps that's an error in approach with the BM. We can't know as we weren't there. However perhaps that's also one of those times that a friend is just putting it out there to state the obvious because on occasion, we good friends find it acceptable to be blunt with our other good friends. If a friend of mine said that to me about my seating I would have said, "Duh of course you're sitting with him!" and the comment would have rolled off my back.Remember, it's important to keep the lines of communication open with your BMs as well.It's also important to understand the difference between required and tradition. If you're actually going to require of your BMs those certain expenses, state it up front and let them know. I don't agree with any aspect of that except that at least the BMs you ask are aware that you're expecting a significant financial commitment.Beyond that, I hope you understand that not getting those things does not mean that there's some part of your relationship with your BMs or with your wedding as a whole that is somehow bad even if it goes against what you call a "psychological contract". Just as I expect my husband not to hold anything against me now that we're in our legally binding marriage and I will on occasion say, "I'm just in the mood to cuddle."

PinkElephantsOnParade · August 2009

Banana, I couldn't have said it better myself. Ditto to everything that you said. I learned a long time ago, that on a chat board, everyone is not always going to agree with me, and more important - I am not always right. If you ask for another person's opinion, it may vary from yours, and that may upset you. If it does, then maybe a chat board is not the place for you. A public board is not always the best place to solve a private problem/question.

ffmaid · August 2009

Deanna- Just curious how many times have you been a BM or MOH?

AdelaC · August 2009

To Deanna, Thank you for writing that! I may not agree with every word, but I definitely agree with the regular posters tagging other posters as "Bridezillas". Particularly point #5.I was baffled when reading about a bride having two bridesmaids show up late and leave early to her shower. A poster said they don't HAVE to be there, and shouldn't be expected. Another poster was asking about a Male MOH, and joked how she wouldn't "expect" him to attend the girly events. She was immediately berated for using the word expect, which of course she was joking and speaking of lingere parties, etc.Comments of that nature scream defensive and trying to play the super opposite of "bridezilla". At some point, you need to be responsible for your social behavior and not be rude. Showing up late, leaving early, being unreachable, unwilling to help out, are all poor manners. The bridesmaid should have bowed out from the beginning.Ladies, we all have emotions are not devoid of them 9 months before the wedding. Therefore, when a friend is uninterested in the dress fittings, the colors of your wedding, etc. it does hurt and it is dissapointing. However, chances are you have 3 other friends that are excited, and do want to be a part of your big day. Try to concentrate on the other 3, and taper out the details with just that 1.When I am having a bad day, my fiance will name all the wonderful things in life as simple as being a sunny, Friday morning. I enjoy reading these posts, but some of the posters are taking themselves too seriously.So keep posting ladies! Happy Friday

AdelaC · August 2009

Dear Stagemanager,Thank you for copying my post and commenting on it in literal form.Do you really think "showing up late" 1 time results in a bridesmaid being thrown out? Hmmm I don't, and I'm guessing you don't either.However, when a bridesmaid shows up late to your shower without apologies, and then bows out early without explanation....here we go...OF COURSE the bride will be hurt...AS WOULD ANY PERSON. Now lets talk about your bridesmaid. She was busy. You knew she was busy. Chances are she told you she would be late because of X, and heading out early because of Y. Now THAT is what I call a courteous bridesmaid!! Ladies, I really think you are taking 1 small comment of legitimate concern, and blowing it up into your crusade for torching a possible "bridezilla". Talk about a witch hunt! There are real bridezillas to be found on these forms...go find them! But don't take the whole forum down in the process!XOXOa legitimate bride to be with real emotions!

banana468 · August 2009

At some point, you need to be responsible for your social behavior and not be rude. Showing up late, leaving early, being unreachable, unwilling to help out, are all poor manners. The bridesmaid should have bowed out from the beginning.To a certain degree I agree with that statement. If you commit to an event and you're late to it with no apology then it's rude to do that regardless of whether or not you're a BM. That's just following great social manners. Being unwilling to help out or unreachable does not necessarily fall into that. It can but isn't necessarily being rude and it certainly doesn't fall into the bowing out category.Ladies, we all have emotions are not devoid of them 9 months before the wedding. Therefore, when a friend is uninterested in the dress fittings, the colors of your wedding, etc. it does hurt and it is dissapointing. And the same follows both ways. Sometimes a friend just isn't into your colors or dress fittings and doesn't have the time. It's important to understand and not demand too much from your friends. If you know that they're not the type to be 'into' colors, shopping or other small wedding details then don't ask them to be into those things for you - and understand that they have a life outside of your wedding. Your wedding CAN'T be the most important thing in their lives.As I've said before, friendship is absolutely something that works both ways. It's imperative that fact is realized and understood. Being a friend to a bride doesn't mean that you should have to do things that you hate or that you don't have the time to do. Being a friend to your BMs is to treat them as your friends - and to not expect anything of them.Showers, bachelorette parties and happy bridal party are always better when you don't make a point of expecting things from people. This works with any social relationship that you have. To make constant requests even of your best friends or to expect things turns what could have been a wonderful treat into something that feels forced.

mrskitton · August 2009

To put it simple....every situation is going to be different. Period. These are just opinions from EVERYONE.....no offense should be taken EITHER way!

banana468 · August 2009

Adela, there is no witch hunt.Many of the posters here are commenting on the original post which was stating that she was dissatisfied with the advice here. Hopefullly we're also de-bunking the myths of what a BM is truly required to do. Retread, thank you for making the additional point about showers. My paternal grandfather was born in Ireland. When my mother's cousins were getting married, their Irish-born mothers absolutely refused to allow a shower to be thrown and compared them to extortion. Perhaps the comparison is too strong, however the concept of a shower is most certainly not an old one in my family. That I even registered was a sticky topic with my mom.

artemis82 · August 2009

Cheers Adela C... you said it beautifully... a witch hunt. Guys, stop chasing after ever bride who's a little hurt because of some legitimate dissappointment and start going after the crazy ones who tell their bridesmaids to gain weight so they're uglier and less attractive than the bride. THAT'S a bridezilla.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Deanna, if you think the advice here is so terrible, then why are you even here? You can go someplace to get validation, I mean advice you want, if you feel you can't get it here.But think about it: if 10 recently married women are telling you that X,Y, and Z are not worth getting bent out of shape over, and that A, B, and C are behaviours that you will regret, don't you think you ought to listen? Don't you think we have experience and perspective that you don't by virtue of us already having our weddings?

artemis82 · August 2009

Babbling, the reason I am having so much trouble with posts on this board of late is because I have recently gone through a mess with my MOH that I don't care to discuss because I know exactly what I'll be told, regardless of the situation, and quite frankly you guys made me feel horrible about myself and for feeling the way I did after looking on here for some advice. After talking to good people around me (who wouldn't let me get bridezilla so don't bother saying that I'm only looking for validation) I realised that you guys are very,very wrong. To whomever said they wouldn't trust me to take them into consideration as a friend... you don't know me so don't judge me. I am a loving and caring friend and yes, I expect that in return from those around me because I deserve respect and love just as much as I give it. Love may be unconditional, but your time and energy in a relationship aren't. Just because I care for someone doesn't mean I'm going to put myself out there emotionally if they aren't willing to do the same. I will always love them, but I won't let myself give my all to someone who doesn't appreciate it or reciprocate.

banana468 · August 2009

Cheers Adela C... you said it beautifully... a witch hunt. Guys, stop chasing after ever bride who's a little hurt because of some legitimate dissappointment and start going after the crazy ones who tell their bridesmaids to gain weight so they're uglier and less attractive than the bride. THAT'S a bridezilla. Deanna and Adela, there is no witch hunt. This is a public board so anyone can post. If there are any posts so awful that a bride is being harassed then Retread or I will delete them.There are varying degrees of what makes a bridezilla. Yes, one who wants her friends in ugly dresses is a bridezilla.However a bride who demands parties, certain tasks or anything other than buying a dress that the BM likes and being there on the big day is indeed walking a fine line towards bridezilla behavior.Remember, friends don't issue demands on one another.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

I personally think that advice from people close to you should always be taken with a grain of salt when you're about to be married. I know I hold my tongue more than I would otherwise when friends complain about their BMs or other aspects of their weddings, and I'm the "honest" friend. Too many emotions are involved and it can be like walking through a minefield; an innocuous comment can elicit a very negative response. Just some food for thought.You still have yet to share what there is to be gained by kicking someone out of your WP. I think it's because the you know there is none; the move is vindictive and you gain nothing except temporary satisfaction that will dissipate sooner or later.If you haven't read my post about a terrible MOH and how not kicking her out or causing drama over it turned out to be the best decision ever, I suggest you do. Seriously, if wedding planning involves this much drama everyone needs to take a step back because 1) it doesn't have to, 2) it isn't supposed to, and 3) as the main person involved you need to look at yourself first and foremost because you can only control what you do. By evaluating yourself, I guarantee some things will change. Very rarely do BMs conspire to "ruin the bride's day" and we all benefit from self-reflection. Again, if you hate this advice so much, no one is forcing you to take it. As someone who followed the advice on here, I can say that I had a perfect wedding, have even stronger friendships with my BMs, and don't feel like I missed out on anything or compromised on anything that I didn't want to.

ffmaid · August 2009

A wedding is just a day a special day but just a day. The thing that makes it special is that teh bride and groom get married and get to be together. That is wonderful and should be. However, the choice to get married is teh brides and grooms not the WP. The WP are the close friends of the couple and should be happy for them if a good marriage but they are not obligated to spend money just because teh bride and groom get married. Once again I ask have you ever been a BM or MOH? I have been 13 times. Each time was for someone I was good friends with ( although in a few cases we have since drifted) however not always have I helped with showers or bachlorettes ior even attended them. My best friend I was her MOH. I love this woman she is a sister by choice to me. I did not throw her a shower or a bachlorette and she did not have either as a result. I did not help her with prewedding tasks. I rolled my eyes when she yammered about ivory vs ecru napkins. I bought a dress( ugly lavendar with matching gloves) and showed up at the rehersal and wedding and was happy for her and her husband. Why did I do so little. Well I was a grad student making nothing, living across the country with a lack of time and money. It had nothing to do with love and affection and everything to do with my life was not condusive at the time. Well she totally understood and was great about it which is probably why we are still best friends, I'm her sons godmom ,she was a bm in my wedding , ect. Yes it is nice if people help with everything but it is not required. Have you ever been a BM?? I really really doubt you have been one more then once given your posts.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

For some reason I missed this and literally LOLed at my desk:YOu must have someone sign the license/registry and therefore, if your MOH bows out or you kick her out - you MUST promote someone or legally you're not married.I don't know about your state but in CA we just needed one warm body who witnessed the ceremony. The marriage bureau provides said warm body for a $13 fee if you get married at their office.

ootmother2 · August 2009

babbling, This looks like it could go on for a while. Do you have any of those cashews from last week?

duckie1905 · August 2009

This post makes me laugh because I was just kicked out of a WP because I:1. cut my hair short and it can no longer be in an updo2. Didn't attend 5 mandatory meetings to design and put together the brides invites, favors, centerpieces, and flowers.I also did not attend her shower and am not attending the bach party (or wasn't planning to). I had no previous engagements scheduled for the 5 mandatory meetings, I just didn't feel like driving an hour to do the bride's job for her. I don't like showers so opted to go on vacation instead of attending, but still sent a gift and paid for the favors and cake. I am wasa not planning to attend the bach party because I have to work that weekend and my boss is not understanding.So basically, I am a bad BM and deserved to be kicked out, at least according the arguments you have made. I don't care about her colors. I didn't offer to help her with all the garbage her FI should be assisting with and I said no and didn't come to meetings when commanded to do so. I argued about the style of the dress she picked because it was so awful it was making some of the BMs cry. I ignored phone calls and emails from her because she sent me 5-10 emails and called at least 3 times each and everyday.Now, I am more than happy to be someone to complain to about wedding things going wrong but I do not have time to sit on the phone or meet for hours to listen to a bride sing the wedding blues (which is ridiculous in itself because if you crying about wedding related things you are taking the whole party thing too seriously).I'm really sorry but some people just don't like wedding things and I'm not sure what you can't understand about that. I'm also not sure what my dislike of wedding planning and wedding crafts has to do with making me a bad BM and a bad friend. BMs don't stop their lives for yours the minute they accept and they shouldn't have to or be expected to.I'm pretty sure that when I was asked to be a BM she said "I want you to support me on my wedding day" not "I want you to do all my work for me and my lazy FI and throw me fancy parties that you have to plan and pay for even with your pay reduction."I know you weren't talking specifically about me, but I thought I'd provide you with my experience of working with a hellish bride. Thinking back to all the questions bride ask on this board, their ideas/tones sound a lot like what I went through with this bsc bride (aka my ex friend)>

duckyyy · August 2009

I have always wanted a quaker wedding! Unfortunately for me, my husband is from a long Catholic tradition, complete with giant weddings and poofy dresses. Anyway. I think that the reason for so much of the conflict on this thread is that the word "support" is just so vague. We want our WP to support us. Fine. But what does that mean? I have never been a gushy person - if a friend told me she was engaged, I'd be excited for her, but there would be no squealing, and probably no hugging. That's just the way I am. That doesn't mean I'm any less happy for my friend. Is that "being supportive?"I do love making favors and other manual labor, I really do. I would love to do this kind of work for friends, WP or not. But I also understand that some people just don't enjoy it, aren't comfortable with the arts and crafts, or just don't have the time. Are they less supportive than people who do?Then there are people who hate planning parties. I am one. So is my sister who was my MOH. She is younger than me, and didn't even realize that the MOH was "expected" to plan a party. I didn't tell her because she hates that stuff, and hello, I didn't want to push people to throw me any parties. Was she unsupportive? Absolutely not!So I didn't get a bridal shower, an engagement party, a bachelorette party, none of that. And I did feel hurt (kind of silly, looking back at it - I don't even LIKE parties, nd would have been mortified by a bachelorette with say, strippers and lingerie). There is only one thing I regret about the whole wedding. The day before the wedding, overcome by stress and nerves and a touch of bridezilla, sobbed on and on to my mom that nobody threw me any parties, and that my own mother was too cheap to even host one. Yet she and my sisters spent that night putting together the flower arrangements for the church, making corsages. My artist parents had spent months making the favors for my wedding. My parents were going through kind of rough financial times (as they often did as artists) and there I was, whining about them not having saved up the money to throw me parties that I don't even like! I am ashamed to this day. The day of the wedding everything came together, my mom with the flowers she had arranged, the friends who didn't throw me parties, but who loved me to bits, regardless, the relatives that had flown in just to be there. And I had never felt so loved and supported.

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