Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sudden Death of Jr Bridesmaid

Hello ladies. Two weeks ago, I lost one of my best friends in a tragic and sudden accident. She was only 8 years old and was supposed to be a Junior Bridesmaid at my wedding (October 24th of this year). My fiance and I were very close to her and her family. Now, we are faced with how--if at all--to address her lack of presence at our wedding. We don't want to upset anyone by reminding them of this horrific tragedy (especially if her family finds the strength to attend.)We had an idea of the second song at the reception be a well-known fast paced swing song that subtly mentions her first name. Days before her accident we played it for her and told her we were looking forward to dancing with her at the wedding to it. So, my fiance and I were thinking of having the DJ mention that the song is a special tribute or something, and then doing a coordinated swing dance, just him and I, for her. We figure if we can't dance with her, we'll do a special dance for her.Does this sound too forward? Do you think her family would get too sad if they were there watching? We might just limit mentions of her in the program and perhaps a picture of her carried in a locket on my bouquet.Any advice would be helpful. Thanks everyone.
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Re: Sudden Death of Jr Bridesmaid

  • I think that would bring the reception way down.  I appreciate the sentiment, but people could get seriously depressed, or be awkward if they didn't know her.  I'd keep the mention/tribute smaller.
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  • I personally think that's a great way to honor her.  Especially if you talked to her about dancing to it.  Will you guys be able to dance though, or will you be too upset?  Swing dancing takes some effort and concentration.I'm sorry to hear about your loss, that's terrible.

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  • I would list her as an honourary bridesmaid in the program and leave it at that. Mentioning a song for her will definitely bring back memories, and you really don't want to do that.
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  • I would ask the family beforehand if you do any kind of special public tribute.  Especially because it was so recent, it might be too hard for them and put a damper on them enjoying the wedding.I'm really sorry, too.  That's terrible.
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  • I think that as a family member that would be way too much for me, especially due to how close the wedding date is to her death.  I'd keep it a bit more subtle.
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    I would personally let the family know you were thinking of doing that, and ask their thoughts.
  • Oh I missed the mention of the tribute.  Can you just do the dance without the tribute?  That might be awkward.

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  • I'm so sorry for your loss. How awful :( I like your idea of just limiting it in the program and the picture in your locket.
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  • I like the idea of playing the song and you and your FI dancing to it. I wouldn't have anyone mention that it's a tribute.Amber's right, it would bring down the reception. Not to mention that the most meaningful tributes are the ones done quietly and subtlely. Anyone who needs to know what the song meant (you, your FI, close family, her family) will. That's all that matters. I'm really sorry for your loss, especially so close to your wedding.
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  • I am sorry for your loss, but I don't understand how an adult can be best friends with an 8 year old.
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  • Well, the song is very happy and fast paced. Him and I could get through it, and we're great at swing dancing. We weren't going to mention her name or say anything that would make it too obvious to anyone, just stating that the song was a "special tribute" or something. Most people probably wouldn't realize the connection, to be quite honest. Just a few people.
  • I'm so sorry to hear that stevi.I think a locket on your bouquet would be a lovely idea. The dance might be a bit too much--and it sounds like it might be hard for you and your FI as well. I am sure her family will be thinking about this if they attend, so I would go with the more subtle choice- locket and program.
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  • I think to do any active display would turn the party into a funeral.  The people grieving are already grieving and deserve a chance to have fun at a party if they choose to come, the people who didn't know the girl will be in a really awkward place.  I think a mention in the program and a picture sound nice.
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  • Oh my gosh.  Reminding people at a happy event of the tragic death of an 8 year old?  To me...not a great idea. I'm very sorry for your loss, but please limit it to a mention in the program.  Even dedicating a song to her will crush her family.
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  • I babysat her everyday and lived next door to her for 8 years. That's how.
  • Okay, that makes sense. Once again, I am sorry for your loss. I would put some of the wedding flowers at her gravesite. Maybe have a bouqet made for her.
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  • 1. Play the song but do not mention the meaning to eveyone and do not make it a just you and fi dance song.  This is a personal tribute not one to be public. 2. Wait for another month to decide what if any tribute you want to do as the hurt is still very very raw. 
  • I'm very sorry for your loss, that's awful.I would definitely list her in the program, and definitely do the song at the reception.  But I think that dedicating that song to her would strike a very raw nerve for a lot of people.  I know that if I were in a similar situation, I would burst into tears at such a dedication, and probably be a wreck for the rest of the night.  Let the program listing be your public tribute, and let the song be a private tribute.  You're still honoring her without mentioning it.
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  • I normally don't post here, but our best man died one month before the wedding. We kept him listed as the best man in the program, the priest mentioned him in prayer, and we (were married in a church) placed flowers at the foot of the Virgin Mary for him and my dad. We left it at that, no announcing anything, etc. It's nice to honor loved ones, but it's not a memorial.
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  • I think if it is a happy song that people will "Celebrate" her life too it would be okay, if it is a sad slow song it may depress people. I would find some way to remember her. We did a vase of flowers at the front of the church on a side stand for the family members and friends we have lost recently and just put a note in the program that the vase has a flower to represent each of those people that were not abe to be there in person.
  • The thing is, if you and your H are dancing to it, the song is already a tribute to something. Can you imagine her parents, sitting there - "This song is played in tribute to a loved friend of the couple." Okay, that's not bad in theory, but then the parents know, so they're reminded of their daughter's death and that she's not there, and they're sad. Then the couple sitting next to them says "Hey, do you know what it's a tribute to?" Then the parents are faced with an awkward situation. Why do you need to mention anything? If you really are doing it as a tribute to her, it can be done without anyone noticing it at all. If you're doing it to draw attention to your sadness - you're not doing it for the right reasons and you're not focused on the right thing. No 8 year old on earth would want to cause sadness for someone on their wedding day. Keep that in mind.
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  • I would probably talk to her family to check if that is okay with them though.
  • zippity - too harsh.
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  • Agree with keeping to a program dedication only. Anything beyond that could cause pain for the family and even make it uncomfortable for everyone.  (All eyes may be on your dance, but it will be on the family as well)I have a very close friend who lost her father recently. At the past two weddings she has quietly exited the room prior to the "father/daughter" dance, and at her upcoming wedding removed it all together.
  • Honestly, I think it would turn the reception into a funeral of sorts.  I for one, would be in tears, even not knowing the child.  As a parent, I would have to leave if that were my child.Mention her in the program, have a memorial candle, so the dance for her privately and carry her picture in your locket.My sympathy to you on your loss and to her parents as well.
  • zippity - too harsh. Agreed
  • Good point, Mrs Vogt. But chances are, her family will not be there. But I think by not having the DJ mention anything would be way more reasonable, and a good way to keep anyone from bringing it up in conversation. The song itself is not an obvious connection to her, we have some fun moves in mind, and only a few friends at the wedding even knew her, since we were not related. No matter what we decided, and no matter if her family decides to attend, we will run our ideas by her parents closer to the day. Thanks everyone for your opinions!
  • I think that mentioning her in the program and carrying a picture of her in a locket on your bouquet is a perfect way to honor and remember her.  I think that the song will be too hard for some of your guests.
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  • I don't think it was too harsh. I think it is strange to call an non-related 8 year old a best friend.
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  • But why do you care and why bother say it?  Clearly she recently lost someone she felt she was very close with?  I mean the post was hardly about if an adult can be best friends with a kid.
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