Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....

Re: Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....

• notyetavet

  

  May 2012

  There are two very important pieces of information I can give:

  1. No one will be as excited about your wedding as you (and FI) are.

  2. The only things a bridesmaid is obligated to do is buy the dress, show up on time to the ceremony (preferrably sober), and smile for pictures.

  
  

  Pre-wedding parties are nice, but they are also optional.  If you have people that are willing to host them for you, great!  Otherwise, it's not the end of the world.  It sounds like your FSIL and your other friend are doing just fine, so try to cut your sisters some slack.

  

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• lstruggles member

  

  May 2012

  My sisters are doing great, it's not them I'm upset about but thanks for the advice!

  

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  May 2012

  The thing is, no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, not even your sisters. During my wedding planning, my best friend and MOH was also planning her wedding, so I had someone to talk about table overlays and centerpieces with who wasn't bored to tears because she also wanted to talk about that stuff. But some people just don't like weddings and people who aren't planning their own can get very bored of wedding stuff all the time even though they love and care about you.
  
  Your BMs don't have any specific duties they have to do, truly. Throwing showers and stuff like that is optional. You are lucky that they are able to make it to your shower! Two of my BMs couldn' be at mine because of living out of state and one was having complications with her pregnancy. I would have loved to have them there. Be thankful they can come and please don't try to make them help set up or tear down. They are not obligated to do any of that.
  
  Just focus on being a good friend to them and forget about the wedding when you're around them, or at least don't talk about it 24/7. They have no jobs, no duties, don't have to be over the moon about it, etc. Once you realize this, it will make things much easier.

  
  
  
  
  

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• mbcdefg member

  

  May 2012

  You helped plan your own shower?

  

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• lstruggles member

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-who-dont-seem-to-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a047c04e-4e4f-44d3-a9aa-be222e6ad2f1Post:96fe78ef-ec42-43c2-8dcb-fde43031da00">Re: Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....</a>:
  [QUOTE]The thing is, no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, not even your sisters. During my wedding planning, my best friend and MOH was also planning her wedding, so I had someone to talk about table overlays and centerpieces with who wasn't bored to tears because she also wanted to talk about that stuff. But some people just don't like weddings and people who aren't planning their own can get very bored of wedding stuff all the time even though they love and care about you. Your BMs don't have any specific duties they have to do, truly. Throwing showers and stuff like that is optional. You are lucky that they are able to make it to your shower! Two of my BMs couldn' be at mine because of living out of state and one was having complications with her pregnancy. I would have loved to have them there. Be thankful they can come and please don't try to make them help set up or tear down. They are not obligated to do any of that. Just focus on being a good friend to them and forget about the wedding when you're around them, or at least don't talk about it 24/7. They have no jobs, no duties, don't have to be over the moon about it, etc. Once you realize this, it will make things much easier.
  Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I appreciate your advice! It just hurts a little when a friend is always talking about her other friends wedding while showing no interest in mine and she is a bm in both, and she has known me 8 years longer.
  
  You are right though, they are not obligated, but from what I was previously told the bridal party were the ones who threw these "showers' and "bachelorette parties".  I am pretty clueless about all of this stuff as well, so I'll just let it go.  Thanks!

  

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• lstruggles member

  

  May 2012 edited May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-who-dont-seem-to-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a047c04e-4e4f-44d3-a9aa-be222e6ad2f1Post:74ada4f6-ea7a-4e25-86ee-feae7b405cfc">Re:Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....</a>:
  [QUOTE]You helped plan your own shower?
  Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
  
  I helped because no one else would help my sisters and my sister is here from FL this week only until the week before the wedding in 3 months..... I was left with no choice.  I didn't help with the theme or ideas about what to do, but I bought the invitations and am comtributing $150. My sisters found ideas online and enlisted help from my mom and fmil.  I was always under the impression the bridal party planned these things - not the mob of mog.

  

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• erollis member

  

  May 2012

  A few family friends planned one of my showers and my FMIL helped out. None of my BM's or MoH came to either shower. They were not involved at all in the planning either or gave shower gifts. But they aren't required to give shower gifts, attend or plan any pre wedding events.

  
  

  I get that it is disappointing (and makes you feel les special) that someone is much more excited about someone else's wedding. One of my BM's was this way. It stinks but it happens.

  
  

  Hope you have a wonderful day.

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• Chels&Jimmy member

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-who-dont-seem-to-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a047c04e-4e4f-44d3-a9aa-be222e6ad2f1Post:b840d528-9aca-45aa-ad83-4ec0432b9261">Re:Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaids who don't seem to care.... : I helped because no one else would help my sisters and my sister is here from FL this week only until the week before the wedding in 3 months..... I was left with no choice.  I didn't help with the theme or ideas about what to do, but I bought the invitations and am comtributing $150. My sisters found ideas online and enlisted help from my mom and fmil.  I was always under the impression the bridal party planned these things - not the mob of mog.
  Posted by lstruggles[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>Ditto to what PP's are saying. And in response to this, it's just not cool to help plan a party that is thrown in your honor where people bring you gifts. Anyone can plan your bridal shower - MOB, MOG, MOH, whoever - but just not YOU. 
  
  </div>

  

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• melanie4200 member

  

  May 2012

  Speaking of bridesmaids,
  
  I would like to let my BMs pick out there own dresses but I am afraid that one in particualar may choose something quite revealing. Should I just go ahead and choose a dress, choose several for them to choose from or just trust that they will all pick something appropriate. I know it seems a little bridezilla, I just really want this very expensive day that I am paying for to be focused on me and not my bridesmaids gigantic fake DD boobs.

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• erollis member

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-who-dont-seem-to-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a047c04e-4e4f-44d3-a9aa-be222e6ad2f1Post:0c7f5fce-bbec-4bd1-a9a8-d1e005398ae9">Re: Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Speaking of bridesmaids, I would like to let my BMs pick out there own dresses but I am afraid that one in particualar may choose something quite revealing. Should I just go ahead and choose a dress, choose several for them to choose from or just trust that they will all pick something appropriate. I know it seems a little bridezilla, I just really want this very expensive day that I am paying for to be focused on me and not my bridesmaids gigantic fake DD boobs.
  Posted by melanie4200[/QUOTE]
  Giving parameters such as, choose between these x number of dresses or giving a designer with a specific color is fine. It is not being a bridzilla in the least. Also picking one dress that everyone must wear is ok too. As long as it works for everyone's budget. So if one person can only spend $60 on a dress you must find a dress that is $60. Even if you give options make sure there is a dress that works for every budget.<div>
  </div><div>Even if a dress reveals a bm's dd, fake breasts people wont pay much attention. Everyone is focused on the bride, groom and having a good time. </div>

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• VeronicaF377

  

  May 2012

  I agree with the other knotties on here. Don' worry that people don't care as much about your wedding day as you do! I have seen many friends become closer because they were planning weddings together and then once the weddings were over they just fizzled out. Find someone who might be doing the same thing as you with planning and such and you they can share in your excitement because they're excited too! However, watch out for jealously or competitiveness. 

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• Hobie625

  

  May 2012

  Sigh.  Girl, I feel you.  I only have 3 bridesmaids and it has been next to impossible to get things taken care of.  Two are in TX and one is in FL, and I am currently in Canada.  I left Texas last August and then spent 8 months in Vermont.  I assumed that I would still talk to these people!  It was like pulling teeth just to get them on the phone to chit chat or respond to an email, before I even asked them to be in the wedding in October.
  
  I told them in early January, 4 months after getting engaged, that I wanted to have the dress situation taken care of by the end of the month.  I asked them to go by David's Bridal and try on a few styles (that I had already tried on myself to see if I liked them).  How many went?  1.  Then I decided, let's go with dresses from Target which have to be ordered online.  I offered to buy the dresses and shoes for them because I know even getting to the wedding in Canada will be a big expense.    I order dresses and then say hey, can you try these on and let me know if they fit?  And if they don't, let me know what size you need instead, and then return the dress you have to the store?  How long do you think that took?  Until about March.  I also asked them to just snap a quick picture in the dress and send it to me.  This was mainly so I could see if I liked it, and if not, pick out a different style.  Maybe I'm too 'demanding' here, but they have to try on the dress anyway, can't they just take a picture at the same time?  Here we are in May and how many have done that?  2. 
  
  Now I'm trying to make plans for hair and makeup, and airport pickup arrangements, and bouquets, and all of those things, and I haven't heard from anyone in about a month and a half.  In the last 3 weeks, I've sent 4 emails and called two of them.  I need to know if they want their hair done, or thoughts about bouquet colors, or um, if they've even purchased a plane ticket to come to said wedding.  Sigh.  No response.  And these aren't long emails, just a few lines with yes or no questions. 
  
  As of right now, our wedding is about a month and a half away, and only one has purchased a ticket to come to the wedding.  She purchased it awhile ago, but still won't tell me when her flights are.  And as much as I'm glad that she's at least coming, she's bringing her girlfriend as her guest, and they have all these excursions planned.  Museum, zoo, etc, and so on.  So I kind of feel like, are you even going to be around to like, ya know, get dressed with me?  Or do our nails?  The other two don't have tickets yet; one keeps saying next week, next week, (Money Pit anyone?), and the other is completely incommunicado. 
  
  And before anyone says I'm having bridezilla tendencies, I'm not having a bachelorette party and I did not and likely will not have a bridal shower.  These things were never brought up anyway.  I really just want to know, are you coming?  When?  Where are you staying?  Ya know, basic details.  I know people say that "you will be more excited about your wedding than anyone", and I certainly don't expect them to get all squealy each time I call, but I guess for me, it really just hurt my feelings that they ignore my messages.  With everyone having an iphone or blackberry or whatever, it's so easy to take 5 seconds and say "yes, i need makeup help" or forward a confirmation of travel plans. 
  
  Sigh, that's my vent.  Sorry it was so long.  My guy doesn't get it because all of his friends and brothers are here, and my mother keeps breathing down my neck asking me almost daily if I've heard from these girls.
  
  So I really can't be of much help or offer any groundbreaking advice, just know that it's not just you.  And it does suck and make you feel crappy.  You spend all this time worrying about it and whether or not they will show up rather than planning the event itself.   I do find it to be in extremely poor taste for your 'friend' to be going on and on about this other wedding and then ignoring yours.  I'm sorry.  Hopefully your day will be great anyway; at least our sisters are there for you!

  

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• lstruggles member

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-who-dont-seem-to-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a047c04e-4e4f-44d3-a9aa-be222e6ad2f1Post:3db61b05-8b77-4dfb-a326-35f466c21d2a">Re: Bridesmaids who don't seem to care....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Sigh.  Girl, I feel you.  I only have 3 bridesmaids and it has been next to impossible to get things taken care of.  Two are in TX and one is in FL, and I am currently in Canada.  I left Texas last August and then spent 8 months in Vermont.  I assumed that I would still talk to these people!  It was like pulling teeth just to get them on the phone to chit chat or respond to an email, before I even asked them to be in the wedding in October. I told them in early January, 4 months after getting engaged, that I wanted to have the dress situation taken care of by the end of the month.  I asked them to go by David's Bridal and try on a few styles (that I had already tried on myself to see if I liked them).  How many went?  1.  Then I decided, let's go with dresses from Target which have to be ordered online.  I offered to buy the dresses and shoes for them because I know even getting to the wedding in Canada will be a big expense.    I order dresses and then say hey, can you try these on and let me know if they fit?  And if they don't, let me know what size you need instead, and then return the dress you have to the store?  How long do you think that took?  Until about March.  I also asked them to just snap a quick picture in the dress and send it to me.  This was mainly so I could see if I liked it, and if not, pick out a different style.  Maybe I'm too 'demanding' here, but they have to try on the dress anyway, can't they just take a picture at the same time?  Here we are in May and how many have done that?  2.  Now I'm trying to make plans for hair and makeup, and airport pickup arrangements, and bouquets, and all of those things, and I haven't heard from anyone in about a month and a half.  In the last 3 weeks, I've sent 4 emails and called two of them.  I need to know if they want their hair done, or thoughts about bouquet colors, or um, if they've even purchased a plane ticket to come to said wedding.  Sigh.  No response.  And these aren't long emails, just a few lines with yes or no questions.  As of right now, our wedding is about a month and a half away, and only one has purchased a ticket to come to the wedding.  She purchased it awhile ago, but still won't tell me when her flights are.  And as much as I'm glad that she's at least coming, she's bringing her girlfriend as her guest, and they have all these excursions planned.  Museum, zoo, etc, and so on.  So I kind of feel like, are you even going to be around to like, ya know, get dressed with me?  Or do our nails?  The other two don't have tickets yet; one keeps saying next week, next week, (Money Pit anyone?), and the other is completely incommunicado.  And before anyone says I'm having bridezilla tendencies, I'm not having a bachelorette party and I did not and likely will not have a bridal shower.  These things were never brought up anyway.  I really just want to know, are you coming?  When?  Where are you staying?  Ya know, basic details.  I know people say that "you will be more excited about your wedding than anyone", and I certainly don't expect them to get all squealy each time I call, but I guess for me, it really just hurt my feelings that they ignore my messages.  With everyone having an iphone or blackberry or whatever, it's so easy to take 5 seconds and say "yes, i need makeup help" or forward a confirmation of travel plans.  Sigh, that's my vent.  Sorry it was so long.  My guy doesn't get it because all of his friends and brothers are here, and my mother keeps breathing down my neck asking me almost daily if I've heard from these girls. So I really can't be of much help or offer any groundbreaking advice, just know that it's not just you.  And it does suck and make you feel crappy.  You spend all this time worrying about it and whether or not they will show up rather than planning the event itself.   I do find it to be in extremely poor taste for your 'friend' to be going on and on about this other wedding and then ignoring yours.  I'm sorry.  Hopefully your day will be great anyway; at least our sisters are there for you!
  Posted by Hobie625[/QUOTE]
  
  Hey give me your email address so I can respond :)

  

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• Hobie625

  

  May 2012

  why does that request sort of make me feel nervous? you can send me a PM too..

  

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• Hobie625

  

  May 2012

  sigh, it's late and I am a moron.  send me a PM struggles!

  

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• SarahScheldt member

  

  May 2012 edited May 2012

  May want to suggest to your sisters that THEY initiate the contact with the other bridesmaids. It's always flattering to be approached for help and advice from the person really needing it your sisters instead of you asking them to help. That's almost like being asked to do the work without getting the recognition. Or have your mom suggest a girl's planning meeting. That way everyone's involved and can help contribute. Don't worry. You never know what's really going on with other people. 95 of the time, they're not purposefully being mean.

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• ICurniffe member

  

  May 2012 edited May 2012

  I do understand what others are saying in regards to not expecting anyone to be as excited as you or your groom. However, I do think that there a certain responsibilities bridal party members have, although they may be different for each bride.
  
  What I will say is, unless you've outlined that to them in the beginning what you expected of them, they may not feel a sense of responsibility for anything. Some of my girls expected to be in my wedding, and others were quite surprised when I asked. Whatever the case was, when I asked them to be a part of the wedding, I made my expectations very clear, basic things like attending rehearsals, helping to package favors, responding to emails. They then had the choice to not participate if they knew they did not have the tme to dedicate. I don't believe they should just show up the day of, if that was the case I wouldn't need a bridal party. It would make things easire and cheaper for me, I wouldn't have to get bouquets, make up, etc. I chose these girls, and it sounds like you chose your girls, because they hold a special place in your life. I don't believe in doing things for show, and have selected friends that have committed to helping make this process as seamless as possible.
  
  I do agree that your MOHs should reach out to your other bridesmaids. My MOH has been amazing in reaching out to the girls and getting their assistance in planning my shower. They all have their responsibilities and are carrying them out. They should let them know what the plans are, and ask if they will be willing to contribute or help in the activities of the event. In my opinion, if they truly have any concern for you as a friend/bride, they will contribute something to the day even if it happened that they could not be there. I think you have every right to feel the way you do, but let it go. Focus on your wedding, and your marriage. Best wishes as you continue to plan, and wishing you a lifetime of happiness with your husband to be.
  

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• sydneyfolger

  

  May 2012

  I feel the same way! I have 5 bridesmaids and it seems like none of them will help me do anything. My maid of honor has not even asked to help out. I only have 26 more days till the wedding and I have not heard anything about a bachelorette party or anything. I may just be annoyed. But I thought that your bridesmaids should help out a little atleast? I do not want to be stern with them and assign them tasks if they do not want to do anything, so I just keep my mouth shut. Im just ranting and raving!! haha!

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• ChristinaDarlene member

  

  May 2012

  Girl, I COMPLETELY understand.  And the think I found out the hard way is that What YOU would do for someone, will likely NOT be reciprocated.  Though they SHOULD be doing more, bridesMAIDS, is called that for a reason.  Good Luck and hopefully some of them will come around sooner than later.  I just straight up demoted one girl and made my feelings known, some will not appreciate it, but will probably step up more.  Don't let them ruin your experience!

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• shelliesinclair

  

  May 2012

  I completely understand and am glad to know that I am not the only one in this situation. I started with 3 BM but as of last week am down to 2 because after telling them all I need to get the BM dresses ordered by April at the latest, only 1 came up with the money. I told them I want the money to order the dresses together so they come from the same color batch as well as (and mainly) because I wanted to make sure the dresses were EVER ordered. As it turns out it is too late to order the dresses I originally wanted....or any dresses for that matter since my wedding is now in 5 weeks and the BM I put out of the wedding told me to order the dress for her and she would pay me back (told me, didnt ask me) and as of yet has not come up with the money if I had ordered it. When the day came she was to pay me for the dress, she conveniently doesnt have the money....really?? A friend of mine is getting married this year so we have been planning together. It really does help to have someone excited about it and willing to talk wedding with you. Her wedding is not until Oct and her girls have their dresses already. With the exception of 1, her girls are so much easier and willing to do their part. I am happy for her and have decided that if my groom and I are the only ones in the wedding then thats just what it will be.

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• michelle090 member

  

  May 2012

  I am really sorry you feel so crappy. My wedding is in a couple of months and until maybe a month or two ago I was feeling somewhat crappy myself.  I have 4 BMs.  One is my sister who was recently living in Virginia, my future SIL, my older sister and my BF. I was so disappointed because it seemed that my BF was not even concerned or interested in my wedding.  At times she would even make rude comments like, "marriage is for suckers; that would hurt me to my core.  My future SIl was so hard to get in contact with it would take weeks and sometimes a call by my fince to get her to respnd to a text or email.  The best advice I can offer is just keep your attentiton to the ones who are actually trying to make this time special for you.  My 2 sisters hve been wonderfull and diligently helping me plan my wedding.  I do not think it is unreasonable for your bridal party to help with shower, in fact i always thought it was required.  It seems ridiculous to me to have BMs who only expect to buy a dress and stand up there with u. Your bridal party is suppose to be some of the closest ppl in your life and as such should want to help u and be a part of this experience.  My sisters and mother are mainly planning my shower and i have input and help if they ask which i dont mind.  Recently my BF has started to become more interested and help me with some things which is really great.  I do think that ppl are not as excited but accepting the role of BM does require more than buying a dress and it is awful that your friends accepted this honor but are not living up to it.  It is frustrating and sad but try to focus and go forth planning with your sisters and hopefully your friends will follow and if not then they are not the best friends.

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• stephaniedowney

  

  May 2012

  MOB or MOG are not traditionally the ones who plan showers, and bridesmaids are not obligated to either...it is generally a close female family friend. about the friend, maybe she is hurt that you have been friends 10 years and you didn't ask her to be your MOH?

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• stbernard33 member

  

  May 2012

  I'm having about 3 1/2 months to get everything around for my ceremony with my husband (he's in the Navy and we got legally married 6 months ago as it was our best option). I'm having 4 BMs and my MOH is the only one who I cannot get to respond to anything. With just a little over 2 months before the wedding three of them have ordered their dresses and my MOH is JUST NOW informing me she doesn't have the funds to buy the dress. I told her about it a month ago which should have been plenty of time to figure some sort of financial solution out or let me know. The dress needs to be ordered within the next few days and yet she's still not responding to anything. I've contacted her, honestly, 3 times more than any of my other BMs and she still has only responded like twice. So I definitely feel your pain!!! It's super frustrating and an unnecessary stress on top of an already hectic schedule between school, work, and planning!

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• LBNbrides1beautee member

  

  May 2012

  I know exactly what u are going thru and I feel exactly the same way u do. You have every right to feel all the things you feel and what they are doing is wrong. They might not be obligated to do anything for your wedding but they should want to just because they are your friends. Being in someone's bridal party is a honor and they should feel honored u chose them. My mother and I planned my shower and my 3 BMs are all family have not helped at all during this whole wedding process. They haven't even asked to see pics of my dress or how everythings going they never shot me a text and I'm getting married in 2 weeks. I am the same way u are, always wanting to make everyone else feel good and special. My soon to be haterinlaw acts like her bro and my wedding doesn't exist and she's 1 of my BMs. My family says their jealous and if that plays a part in it than that just sucks to be them. I had to deal with it and this has just given me more of an incentive to make sure my wedding is going to be spectacular and to make sure I have a blast and not give 2 s___ts ab anything else. What goes around comes around. Good luck girl and I wish u and your groom all the best in life! Remember this is 1 day that you can never get back so enjoy it!!!

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