wedding/ alcohol

ellebear22 · March 2013

I have been reading alot on here about cash bars being "rude" or against proper etiquette... I am having a Semi- Open bar...We are providing Sodas, juice, Water Wine, Beer and Champagne for the toast...If they want mix drinks or shots of anything it is on them. Is it rude to expect guests to pay for the mixers and shots? My Fiancee and I are working on a budget and paying for the wedding ourselves... I never thought a cash bar would be considered rude, until I read it on here.... (I mean unless you also had to pay for soda, water and juice). I also should add we have 1 or 2 people that are immediate family that are alcoholics and as well as 17 children between 17-2 yrs old- We want to be proper hosts but also want to moniter how much certain attendees drink.

banana468 · March 2013

Just don't offer hard alcohol.

daubachsgirl23 · March 2013

Can you eliminate the shots and mixed drinks all together? Don't have them available to the guests. What you're hosting is perfectly acceptable, but having some options (beer, wine, etc) hosted and others (hard liquor) to be paid for by the guests is a bad idea.

If you want to offer a hard liquor option, you could host just one or two "signature cocktails" in addition to the beer, wine, juice and soda, but anything offered at the bar should be hosted by you and FI.

Blue & White · March 2013

Your state ALLOWS shots at weddings?

That's about all I got from this post.

Technically, you should host whatever is at the bar. Would I understand as a guest? Yes. But if I ordered a mixed drink and had to pay for it and my FI ordered a beer and didn't have to pay for it? I'd be kinda annoyed. Especially if there wasn't a sign or a bartender warning me about this.

STARMOON44 · March 2013

Just make beer and wine available, and don't have shots and hard alcohol at all. It doesn't matter that you have kids attending- no bartender is going to serve a 12 year old, and if you have alcoholics there, they'll either be in recovery and not drinking at all, or still drinking, in which case paying for it really isn't going to be a deterrent.

libby2483 · March 2013

In Response to Re:wedding/ alcohol:[QUOTE]Your state ALLOWS shots at weddings?That's about all I got from this post.Technically, you should host whatever is at the bar.nbsp; Would I understand as a guest?nbsp; Yes.nbsp; But if I ordered a mixed drink and had to pay for it and my FI ordered a beer and didn't have to pay for it?nbsp; I'd be kinda annoyed.nbsp; Especially if there wasn't a sign or a bartender warning me about this. Posted by Blue White[/QUOTE]

Wait, there are states that don't allow shots at weddings?

AdeleDazeem · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:33369a3c-7138-48bd-bb8f-969f59e080f7">wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been reading alot on here about cash bars being "rude" or against proper etiquette... I am having a Semi- Open bar...We are providing Sodas, juice, Water Wine, Beer and Champagne for the toast...If they want mix drinks or shots of anything it is on them. Is it rude to expect guests to pay for the mixers and shots? My Fiancee and I are working on a budget and paying for the wedding ourselves... I never thought a cash bar would be considered rude, until I read it on here.... (I mean unless you also had to pay for soda, water and juice). I also should add we have 1 or 2 people that are immediate family that are alcoholics and as well as 17 children between 17-2 yrs old- We want to be proper hosts but also want to moniter how much certain attendees drink.
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

Cash bars are rude. Host what you can afford (you say it's wine and beer) and don't offer anything else. Ta-da! No more cash bar and you're being a good host. It's a win-win.

Your reasons are unnecessary and micro-managing. Kids don't matter. You don't control how much people drink and it's condescending to assume that you need to. Bartenders are responsible for giving drinks and will cut off the drunkards.

Just relax and have fun.

s-aries8990 · March 2013

Ask the venue to remove the hard alcohol.

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:33369a3c-7138-48bd-bb8f-969f59e080f7">wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been reading alot on here about cash bars being "rude" or against proper etiquette... I am having a Semi- Open bar...We are providing Sodas, juice, Water Wine, Beer and Champagne for the toast...If they want mix drinks or shots of anything it is on them. Is it rude to expect guests to pay for the mixers and shots? My Fiancee and I are working on a budget and paying for the wedding ourselves... I never thought a cash bar would be considered rude, until I read it on here.... (I mean unless you also had to pay for soda, water and juice). I also should add we have 1 or 2 people that are immediate family that are alcoholics and as well as 17 children between 17-2 yrs old- <strong>We want to be proper hosts but also want to moniter how much certain attendees drink.</strong>
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

It's not your job to regulate how much <em>adults</em> drink. Are you also going to make sure they eat all their dinner and wash their hands after going to the restroom? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

For example, even if my wedding were a DRY wedding, it's pretty common in my area for people to bring flasks to weddings and social events. So are you also going to have everyone go through a metal detector to make sure they don't bring their own adult beverages? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

rachelm13 · March 2013

Wait, I am still back on the possibility that certain states DON'T allow shots. FIs family would be sad.

Other than that: Ditto PP. It's tacky. Just have the venue remove it/lock it in a back room.

libby18bell · March 2013

Rachelm I had a bit of a OMG moment too, since I'm sure by the end of the evening the GM will be doing shots. Thank goodness NY would never have such a law.

lilphillips14 · March 2013

My venue specifically states that no shots are allowed to be served. I've seen it at a couple of venues I was looking at. Ohio must be one of those places. I found it a bit odd as well.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

I am also stuck on the some states not allowing shots thing. Honestly, I'm worried that too many people will want to do shots with me and I don't want to drink much at my wedding!

OP - I agree with others. Just remove the hard liquor or host a signature cocktail or two. People will survive with just beer and wine and the general rule is that your guests should not have to open their wallets at a wedding.

Kate61487 · March 2013

I've never heard of a state not allowing shots at a wedding, but I've heard of MANY venues that won't. Too much liability I guess; though guests can get around it by ordering a "neat" instead of a shot.

I personally dislike the beer and wine only option b/c I think both are yucky; but that's just personal preference... similarly I would dislike if fish and a squash-based veg dish were the only choices, but it's totally fine etiquette-wise. Purchasing anything at your wedding shouldn't be an option, so the venue either needs to remove the hard liquor or you need to figure out a way to host what's on display to your guests.

If the venue won't remove it and you decide to say 'screw etiquette' and leave it as a partial cash bar PLEASE make sure there's some notification to your guests of what's hosted. I have been in the very uncomfortable position of ordering a non-hosted mixed drink after watching friends get free beer with no cash in hand. It was totally embarrassing to be frantically trying to get H's attention across a crowded ballroom to bring me my purse.

NOLAbridealmost · March 2013

Offering the hard alcohol for purchase is tantamount to offering chicken and pasta as entree choices but then allowing guests to pay to upgrade to filet or lobster. It's just poor hosting. It comes across as wanting a more upscale event than you can afford so you have the guests subsidize it.

That said, it's completely acceptable to only offer soda, beer, wine (or even just soda) and it would be rude for guests to complain that there wasn't more variety offered. This is the clear choice.

rachelm13 · March 2013

New York: Where they will attempt to regulate your soda consumption, but, not your alcohol consumption.

AHHHH I love NY.

harper0813 · March 2013

Just offer your guests what is free. No need for them to pay for updates - offering them free soda, beer and wine is perfectly generous and hospitable. If they have to have hard liquor so badly, they can go to a bar afterward. We are doing the exact same thing as you but also offering a couple of signature cocktails - classic drinks like negronis or southsides.

If cash bars are common in your area (or partial cash bars), DEFINITELY warn your families beforehand. This can be a tough subject for families who are used to bars being a certain way, even if it's the improper way. This is an issue we are struggling with, because FI's dad really likes Hendrick's martinis straight up but we don't have the budget to host that drink at our wedding (and they are paying for the open bar...), and both sets of parents find it rude not to let guests drink what they'd like at a wedding, even if the guest has to pay for it. Previous posters gave some great examples of ways to put it into perspective - like serving pasta or chicken and giving guests the option of upgrading IF they pay a fee. (Great comparison, NOLA.)

Make sure your venue puts away or covers the alcohol not being served so that no guests misinterpret what they can order.

AddieCake · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:33369a3c-7138-48bd-bb8f-969f59e080f7">wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]. I also should add we have 1 or 2 people that are immediate family that are alcoholics and as well as 17 children between 17-2 yrs old- We want to be proper hosts but also want to moniter how much certain attendees drink.
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

<div>I have a dear friend who is a recovered alcoholic. When we go to dinner, we don't choose only restaurants that do not serve alcohol; she simply doesn't order any. She is an adult and capable of making her own choices. If you have alcoholics in your family, it is not your respsonsibility to monitor their drinks and decide for them when they have had too much. That is the responsibility of licensed bartenders. </div><div>
</div><div>Whatever alcohol is available at your reception is what you should pay for. Like NOLA said, you wouldn't give your guests the option to pay for a "better" meal, would you? </div>

amyb140 · March 2013

OP, I find it hard to believe that you live on Long Island and think a cash bar is OK.

ellebear22 · March 2013

In Response to Re:wedding/ alcohol:OP, I find it hard to believe that you live on Long Island and think a cash bar is OK. Posted by amyb140 How do you find it hard to believe, I live on the Island? Ive been at weddings where they had a cash bar and I also been at weddings where they had anan open bar right here on Long Island. It depends what the hosts could afford. It is tacky to believe that because of where a person may live may change whether or not a cash bar is ok.

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:067532d4-4b51-4b0f-91d9-f11d5b11c3fd">Re:wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:wedding/ alcohol:OP, I find it hard to believe that you live on Long Island and think a cash bar is OK. Posted by amyb140 How do you find it hard to believe, I live on the Island? Ive been at weddings where they had a cash bar and I also been at weddings where they had anan open bar right here on Long Island. <strong>It depends what the hosts could afford. It is tacky to believe that because of where a person may live may change whether or not a cash bar is ok.</strong>
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

No...

Cash bars are NEVER Okay.

It's true you must host your guests in a proper fashion that you can afford, however, asking them to pull out their wallets for any reason is just not cool.

ellebear22 · March 2013

I was thinking about making a little bar menu and placing it at the bars to make sure people understand its beer and wine that we are offering.

ellebear22 · March 2013

In Response to Re:wedding/ alcohol:[QUOTE]Can you eliminate the shots and mixed drinks all together? nbsp;Don't have them available to the guests. nbsp;What you're hosting is perfectly acceptable, but having some options beer, wine, etc hosted and others hard liquor to be paid for by the guests is a bad idea.If you want to offer a hard liquor option, you could host just one or two "signature cocktails" in addition to the beer, wine, juice and soda, but anything offered at the bar should be hosted by you and FI. Posted by daubachsgirl23[/QUOTE]
We are going to put an alcohol/ drink menu type card at each bar. Unfortunately the 1 or 2 signature drinks come at the same price for a full open bar, so we are nixing that and leaving it as beer and wine.

ellebear22 · March 2013

I still dont get how where I live has anything to do with it...

ellebear22 · March 2013

We are not having a cash bar its beer and wine.

ellebear22 · March 2013

The reason why I mentioned the kids is bc several of them look older than they are... And I know they have already drank alcohol neices and nephews... I have already requested the bar tender id everyone

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:985bf31e-194c-438b-be11-b6add254b619">Re:wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]We are not having a cash bar its beer and wine.
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

Okay, cool, but if anything else but beer and wine is available to guests FOR PURCHASE, it is a limited cash bar.

I believe the poster above was saying that it is her experience in Long Island that cash bars are well known to be very rude. Every city/state is different in the overall knowledge of etiquette norms, but it doesn't make it correct to breach etiquette based on where you live.

ellebear22 · March 2013

NYS allows whatever alcohol you want at your wedding but as the host you are responsible if anyone gets behind the wheel and drives drunk.

ellebear22 · March 2013

The place offered us limited cash bar, I told them beer and wine only. I just wasn't getting the point of why the person up there was saying that they couldnt believe I lived on Long Island and thought it was ok to have a cash bar... I always assumed it had to do with affordability... Im new to this planning a wedding stuff hence the reason I asked, thanks for answering!

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:681d8d8f-29d4-41bc-8fc9-068942598387Post:d364a637-9d85-4f1d-aea8-6a8cbdbf062d">Re:wedding/ alcohol</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>NYS allows whatever alcohol you want at your wedding but as the host you are responsible if anyone gets behind the wheel and drives drunk.</strong>
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

Social Host laws are not black and white, however, you mentioned you are having a bartender. Just make sure that person is trained and licensed, and you're good to go. The bartender has the legal obligation and responsibility to not serve minors or overserve adults.

If you and your FI were pouring the drinks, that's a different story.

Try not to worry about the drinking and let your guests have a good time. Guests know how to have a DD or arrange a cab/other ride home as necessary.

ellebear22 · March 2013

The reason of my worry is that nys has hosting laws, if you have a party and someone leaves and then drives drunk we as hosts can be held responsible... Also my fiancee and i would just really appreciate it if my ffil in particular didnt have unlimited access to alcohol...hes a sloshy mushy drunk then he gets controlling... But we are leaving the make sure he doesnt get to out of hand to his wife.

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