Not providing dinner?

hottamale29 · September 2009

I'm wondering how many of you ladies aren't feeding your guests dinner? I'm trying to rework our budget and FI is very all about feeding guests, where I'm thinking of just having some wine/beer, cake & cupcakes and other desserts in our suite towards the later of the night. Or to just do heavy appetizers to save some money. Any advice?

rachel.wenger · September 2009

I'm kind of in the same boat as you! There is a Mexican Tapas place that we are looking at to save some money...but since our wedding is at four and we get done with everything at six, I think it might be necessary to get a nice meal in for our guests. Of course, I worry about my budget too.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

Depends on your timing. If your ceremony or reception will fall during a mealtime, then you have to provide a full meal. Otherwise, you can get away with desserts or heavy apps. You can do heavy apps in lieu of a meal, but you'll need quite a lot, about 12-14 pieces per person. We're going the heavy apps route; our ceremony starts at 7:30pm. Any earlier than about 7:00, and you'll need to feed them.

Jasca · September 2009

Don't feel guilty about just doing cake, or appetizers, or things along those lines. Some people will press that you must feed your guests... but you can only do what you can do. And your friends and family WILL understand. I've had plenty of outsiders tell me that what my fiance and I are doing is tacky, but everyone who is actually invited is just excited to be coming (and excited to be in Vegas!). Just do what you can, don't make yourself go into debt over a few dinners:)

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

Just because your friends and family wouldn't tell you something is tacky or rude doesn't mean they're not thinking it. I don't like the word "tacky" because it's too subjective to be of any use, but I do firmly believe that if you're asking people to celebrate with you in the 5:00-7:00 timeframe and not feeding them something substantial enough to be considered a meal, you're being rude.

Jasca · September 2009

Eh... I'm not going to argue with you, as I've had this argument with others. Everyone has their own opinion. My opinion is that we're celebrating our love, and those that love us are wanting to be there to see it. That's what a wedding is to me. I think people should just do not only what they want, but what they can. This economy sucks, and I've found that people are a lot more understanding about anything concerning money. And nobody needs to agree with me. Just what I've found when planning my own wedding. Everyone's situation will be different.

mloeks · September 2009

I agree with Jasca...you do what you can. One of my FI's sisters only provided cake at her Vegas wedding, the other didn't as she justified it with having an AHR.We are doing heavy apps, limited drinks (lambic beers and maybe a few other things) and cake. That is in our budget. With other stressors (like the in-laws), I myself totally understand.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

I'm totally understanding of a budget wedding when everything is similarly scaled down. However, if guests see that you skimped on hospitality for them, including the basics of food and drinks, in favor of a lavish dress, fancy invitations, an expensive venue, and so on and so forth, they WILL resent and judge you, it doesn't matter how much DNA you share. I used to work at a destination venue, and I know others who have and do as well; I speak from experience.Especially with a destination wedding (and it doesn't seem like too many of the people here are local), your guests are putting in a significant investment of time and money to celebrate with you. The least you can do is feed them.As I said before, I'm doing the heavy apps, too. But we're starting late enough that they can get dinner beforehand, we're going to make sure there's still plenty of food, and we're feeding everyone lunch as well. Your responsibility as a good hostess trumps any "it's my special daaaay" bull.

Savannah6783 · September 2009

We are not feeding our guests but we are going out to dinner afterwords. We originally planned on feeding everyone but we just have too many people coming with us, we are not going to afford it. I felt bad about it at first, but after speaking with my MOH (who also married in Vegas), she said at her wedding everyone pitched in and paid for their dinner. I would NEVER expect anyone to pay for me, but it made me feel a lot better about it. Its our closest family and friends going, so everyone understands. HTH!

Savannah6783 · September 2009

* We are also going to have an AHR.

Jasca · September 2009

Of course if you have the means to feed all of your wedding guests, but then you don't, that would look rude and probably be awkward. But if you don't have the money, then that's just how it is. And my friends and family get it. It's the same thing for my guests who can't make it to the wedding... I know not everyone has the means for such things, and I'm cool with it. I honestly think that people are understanding of this stuff. I worried at first, but it was my family who convinced me that we should just have an "un-hosted" dinner, and just make sure everyone is aware of the situation before. We are providing cake and champagne, because that's what we can do. And I think because it's Vegas, it's not as odd to people.

Savannah6783 · September 2009

* Also, in response to an earlier post. If you cant afford it, the people who will think that its rude are the same people that will complain that the food you do provide wasn't good enough. Some people you just can't make happy.FI and I drove 3 hrs to his cousins wedding about 2 months ago..... We were at the wedding for about 3 or 4 hrs and the only food provided was finger food. It ran out before we even got up to it, and we ended up eating chips and salsa. We were not bothered and we grabbed pizza on the base on the way out. Your friends and family WILL understand if you can't afford to feed them!

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

My dad suggested that we have an "unhosted" dinner. I politely requested if he had lost his mind. Look, a reception isn't an after-party for the bride and groom, it's a way of thanking the guests that witnessed the ceremony. And I love the assumptions that I'm somehow extremely wealthy when I'm on a tighter budget than many of the girls I've seen post on this board. But you cut corners anywhere else before you skimp on taking care of your guests. We cut our guest list drastically so that we could afford to provide something for everyone who's coming.The only things required to get married are a license, an officiant, and in most states, a witness or two. Everything else is just trimmings. If all you can afford is a pretty dress, flowers, and a venue, then you can't afford to invite guests to watch.Guests don't remember all the crap that brides spend months agonizing over, they remember if the food was good and if they had fun. They won't notice if the fondant exactly matches the color of your invitations, but if you've got a $5,000 dress and they have cheese and crackers, they're certainly going to remember that. I'm glad the other girls who have responded are perfect Disney princesses without the capability of a negative thought toward anyone, but they're a rare breed. My first plan included a more expensive venue and a larger guest list on the same budget, at the expense of the food and bar. My MOH thought it was a bad idea, but didn't tell me so until I started having doubts, and probably would have never told me so unless I flat-out asked.hottamale, you said that feeding your guests is important to your FI, so you should probably listen to him. Masterpiece Cuisine provided us a very reasonable quote for heavy apps, beer, and wine that should provide more than enough food, and we're starting late enough that people have a chance to eat first anyway. Especially if you're going to have drinking, you need to have something substantial; alcohol with just sweets is a recipe for disaster. It's entirely possible to have a wedding that's as lovely for your guests as it is for you on a budget, you just have to get creative. The Budget Weddings board has some pretty good ideas.

jennb2003 · September 2009

I agree- it really depends on the time you are looking at- If your cake/apps reception will begin at around 2-3 pm or close to 8 pm or later, I would say that will be ok. If it will be at lunch or dinner time though, you should really do a meal for them. Where are you looking at having the cake and apps reception? If you are doing heavy apps from/at a restaurant I think you may be shocked that they are often as much or more than a meal can be. If you are doing them in a suite, then it may be more affordable, though Jason's deli, masterpiece cuisine, or even self catering it from walmart or sams may be a cheap way to do a meal. I agree with the pp that the reception is your way to thank the guests for coming out there and supporting you. It is also the main thing they will remember, as well as the longest part of your wedding day so the part you will have most memories from. My fi and I definitely cut corners elsewhere to provide at our reception because that was number 1 for us. It sounds like it is important to your fiance- please keep in mind it's his wedding too and you need to listen to his concerns and requests and work something out together.

stinkerbell6879 · September 2009

Wow...Ok...I feel that I kinda can go either way on this! I believe that people will be understanding of the budget and will deal with it (as long as you tell them ahead of time) but....I also feel that it is nice to do "something" for the guest....With that being said....My FI could careless if we feed people, it is me who wants to, but because of budget issues, I decided on a "heavy app" menu and cake. I know that with the time of our ceremony we REALLY are supposed to do dinner (6PM) but with the cost of dinner it was going to be much....So FI and I decided that we will inclued an insert with the invite that outlines the food, and figure that people will see what is being served and take it from there, it's Vegas and I know that USUALLY I will eat at a buffet mid afternoon and really not want a heavy dinner! and to be honest....With a set dinner menu there are bound to be people that don't like the food.....IMO:)

ninaq06 · September 2009

Depending on your budget there are ways for it to be done. I have been to two weddings in Vegas and one here at home where I had to pay for my own meal and I was just as happy to be part of the couples special day. Consider your FI's concerns but do what you can within your means. This is something I go back and forth with all the time with things I want to do for our wedding but I also have to remember that I do not want to come home broke from the wedding. Honestly at the end of the day it's not going to matter. If however you do end up having an unhosted dinner or maybe an AHR with apps and stuff make sure you maybe start spreading it word of mouth so that it isn't a surprise.

Chaotickiss · September 2009

I would never host a party/wedding/celebration in another state/country, expect people to spend $$$ to fly in and not feed & water them or honor them with some sort of reception.There are frugal options of course, it just takes some work in regards to timing / type of reception.For anyone to say "we can't do it" I think is b.s. Yes you can, you're just choosing to not make it a priority. Dress, ceremony, photographer, flowers, cake, etc are all coming before the reception. Don't kid yourself.

matilda1215 · September 2009

I'm not doing dinner. I know it's probably not proper "etiquette" but.....oh well haha. We're serving about 5 or 6 different appetizers, wine/beer and cake. Our 'reception' is in our hotel suite only for about an hour...after that we're all going on a 3.5 hour strip tour. I think I've worded it very clearly on the invitations, website and wedding programs that my guests are not getting dinner. So hopefully they'll either eat a really big lunch or get some food between the ceremony and reception time.

jusstice · September 2009

Once my Dh & I realized that our wedding would include about 50 people, we made our FIRST priority to make sure that we feed & water the guests properly. We had gone to a close family members destiantion wedding last year. Everything was fine, until they made it a cash bar after the first two hours. No one talks about the wedding except to mention how cheap that was.We had three days of events with our guests. A heavy app meet & greet (with booze), a heavy app pre-wedding lunch from Masterpiece Cuisine, a buffet style reception dinner (with booze), and a day after pizza bowling party. On our wedding, I think 70% of the budget was food and alcohol for the guests, and I would not change a thing.I personally, would not be able to face my family and friends if I made them fly across country on their dime, and I did not offer to feed them at least once.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

For anyone to say "we can't do it" I think is b.s. Yes you can, you're just choosing to not make it a priority. Dress, ceremony, photographer, flowers, cake, etc are all coming before the reception. Don't kid yourself.This. Exactly. Thank you.For the record, here's the fairly extensive list of things we're doing to save money:-emailing STDs, and DIYing invitations-wedding is on a Friday-ceremony and reception are both in-suite-iTunes playlists instead of DJ-photographer and videographer are both friends coming out from California, working for cheap-making all flowers out of paper-doing cookies instead of cake, decorating myself-gown was $500 at David's Bridal, bought a discontinued sample-definitely skipping makeup artist, possibly skipping hairstylist as well-heavy apps from Masterpiece Cuisine-no hard liquor, just beer and wine-guest list cut to 50 from 150-buying things a little at a time, so we're better able to handle the expense than plopping all the money down at once-AHR is super casual, the whole thing should probably come to under $1k for 200+ guestsThat's another thing, the AHR isn't a replacement for the actual reception; the people traveling to see and be in your ceremony invested a lot more of their time and money, and deserve more of a thanks. If you're cutting back on your reception to fund an AHR, you're going to look extremely gift-grabby.

stinkerbell6879 · September 2009

Well....I think that the bottom line is....If you do EVERYTHING else "formal" then you need to try and do something small (i.e. heavy apps., strip tour, etc) .....But....If you are foregoing, the fancy invites, fancy venue, bridal registries, etc...Then sure...you are just making it a "Hey! we are "eloping" and if you want to go, then great!" then your guest know and are just going and hey...there happens to be a wedding! Either way....No matter what people say....If they think its "tacky" etc...they don't need to go! Remember...Most of us, even those planning dinner, etc...get the VEGAS=TACKY anyways...

tipsynikki · September 2009

My FI and I had the same argument but the other way around. I couldn't imagine not having something...In my opinion if you put it out there up front what the plan is it should be okay. Money is personal and you know your finances better than anyone else. If drinks and dessert is all you can provide, then just state that on the invitations or put the word out before hand. It's your guests call if they'd rather not go because your not providing them a full dinner. We're doing apps and an open (rail) bar. Thankfully in our case my FMIL and Mother have offered to pay for it. I've told all my friends not to expect a sit down dinner or anything and they all preferred the cocktail reception. it's a lot more informal.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

Oh yeah, if it's anything less than a full meal, you definitely need to indicate that on your invitations. Ours will say "cocktail reception to follow," and the FAQ page on the website will have a blurb explaining what that means.There's not really a polite way to say on the invitations, "dinner to follow, as long as you cough up the cash for it," though.

mloeks · September 2009

We have put cocktail and cake reception on our invites....we have put the word ut that it is not a "full' dinner. The cater did tell us that with the items that we ordered, people would fill up really fast. I did want people to understand so they could make restaurant arrangements after the eception. I don't expect them to stay their evening with us though because we are not providing dinner.

Savannah6783 · September 2009

* We are not registering, we are basically "eloping" to Vegas and our family has decided to join us. Originally it was just going to be us and our close friends/ bridal party. If you are registering and doing the whole "formal" invite thing, then yes I agree... you should feed your guests.

stinkerbell6879 · September 2009

Savannah6783- by the way...I hope you understood what I ment about the whole "eloping" comment. I truley feel that each and every Bride on this board is having their own special day, however they want that day to be. It is really a fine line with "Vegas" weddings, becuase their is SO many ways people can have one! LOL....Thats why it's great! IMO I think no matter what a Bride & Goom need to do what they can/and want to do and I feel if guest are truely their for a wedding....They will not care if you put on a big spread of food and drink:)

Savannah6783 · September 2009

Yes, I understood what you were saying and I completely agree with you. I think that if you are expecting gifts from your family and friends (which we are not) then you should do what you can to try to provide a meal for them. However, I do not think that if you can not afford to feed your guests, that your guests will think less of you... but they should be told ahead of time if you do not plan on feeding them. --------------Also, you also do not have to be a "Disney Princess" to have compassion for someone who is trying to do the best that they can for their wedding. FIs cousin is very young (20), in the military and found out he had a baby on the way.... So he was doing the right thing and asked his GF to marry him. I enjoyed the wedding as I am sure everyone else did.... Even if I was starving when I left. The point of a wedding is not be be fed extraordinary food and free booze. The point is to spend one of the most important moments in the Bride and Grooms lives with them.

firefly85 · September 2009

I think as long as you make it totally clear to your guests beforehand that they aren't going to get fed, then it shouldn't be too much of a problem. There is nothing worse than being stuck at a wedding when you're absolutely starving and no food is going to be served for hours/at all!

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

I stand by the Disney princess comment. If a guest shells out a significant amount of money on airfare, hotel, wedding gifts, and other travel expenses, and then gets there to receive not even the most basic hospitality, then yeah, anyone except Snow White herself would be pretty pissed. (I think even Cinderella would grumble.) But unless they, too, had appallingly bad manners, they would never tell the bride or groom, so the couple would go on blissfully unaware that nearly every one of their family and friends thinks they're selfish and cheap.I'm not picking on you, Savannah. In your case, it sounds like the guests kind of invited themselves along, knowing up front that you weren't going to be able to feed them, and that you'd intended for it just to be the two of you, so it kind of works.But I hate, HATE the mentality that a wedding somehow gives a woman the license to run rough-shod over her friends and family and be completely self-absorbed for the time leading up to the wedding, and that people should just kind of go along with this when any other time they'd rightfully smack her silly. Every time the words "bride's special day" get bandied about, I want to vomit a little. If you really want it to be just your day (this is a general "you,") then get married completely in private. The second you involve other people, you have to take their feelings and needs into consideration too. If that means you may have to cut back on the pretty things for you so you can take care of them, well, that's kind of part of being a grown-up.

jusstice · September 2009

Just to further pp point, I would like to break it down from a guests point of view for a 3-4 day trip on a cheap budget: Airfare for 2 to Vegas $600Hotel for Trip $400Food/Drinks $300Gift for Couple $300Misc $200Total Cost $1800Plus vacation time from work, dogsitters, babysitters, etcTotal Time at Wedding Ceremony 20 minutesSo, your guest will be spending about $90 a minute to "celebrate" your moment with you, and the only thing they get is pat on the back and a thanks for coming?As a guest I would be appalled. I would never say anything to the bride or groom, but I am sure we'd all be talking about it at the In & Out Burger after the ceremony.

Jasca · September 2009

I just want to say that I agree with Savannah6783 100%... Some people are quick to say that my guests secretly are miffed at me, or that I'm just not prioritizing things correctly. I spent $70 on my dress (which my mom was nice enough to cover), we found our invites at Walmart on clearance for like $30... Yes, we have spent some money on a few formal things, but even if we held back that money and I got married in a pair of jeans, we then might be able to feed a handful of our guests. I was also not about to cut my guest list because every time I even suggested it, my fiance got really sad. Having his big family there is the top priority of our wedding to him. And seriously, the people we have heard from don't give a darn about being "fed and watered", they're just super excited for being there. I guess it also helps that probably 90% of out guests are coming from SoCal, so going to Vegas is almost as normal as a trip to Disneyland... Depends on everyone's own situation (heck, it's even cheaper to fly into Vegas vs. our hometown for some of our guests). I'm sorry for kind of fanning the flames on a somewhat touchy subject. My only point of stepping in was to tell hottamale29 that yes, in my opinion, you do what you can, and if your family loves you, things will be all good:) I don't think that most of us who are forgoing a hosted meal are putting on the "...but I'm the bride!" routine. Once again, things are going to be different for every bride, and it's up to them to make the right judgement call.

Not providing dinner?

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