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Barbiiieee
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NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents
in Chit Chat
Hey guys!
I was wondering if anybody had any experience with closed adoptions and people finding?
My fiance is adopted and it was a closed adoption, but he really wants to find out more information about his birth family. He's aware that his birth mother might not want to be found, but he still wants to take his chances. His adopted father died last year, and his mother is horrified by this. Which I get, you know? They adopted him when he was an infant, but it isn't about being disrespectful to his family, it's more about finding where he comes from, and for genetic/medical reasons.
The state department is basically like, "oh it's a closed adoption, we can't help you." Is that really the only thing he can do though? He has VERY little information to go on. He has a general story about his birth mother being a teenager and whatever, and he has his probable birth name (he scratched the white off off the bottom of a baby picture of him and it has his birth date and a name he was never called written on it). The birth name hasn't really been helpful though, as the last name is fairly common. Basically every agency he's asked about it has turned him away. Short of calling everybody with that last name in the phone book, does anyone else have any suggestions on what he could do? Thanks!
I was wondering if anybody had any experience with closed adoptions and people finding?
My fiance is adopted and it was a closed adoption, but he really wants to find out more information about his birth family. He's aware that his birth mother might not want to be found, but he still wants to take his chances. His adopted father died last year, and his mother is horrified by this. Which I get, you know? They adopted him when he was an infant, but it isn't about being disrespectful to his family, it's more about finding where he comes from, and for genetic/medical reasons.
The state department is basically like, "oh it's a closed adoption, we can't help you." Is that really the only thing he can do though? He has VERY little information to go on. He has a general story about his birth mother being a teenager and whatever, and he has his probable birth name (he scratched the white off off the bottom of a baby picture of him and it has his birth date and a name he was never called written on it). The birth name hasn't really been helpful though, as the last name is fairly common. Basically every agency he's asked about it has turned him away. Short of calling everybody with that last name in the phone book, does anyone else have any suggestions on what he could do? Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents
I'm not totally sure how I feel about the issue.
[QUOTE]Garden Maven we have the same history. I have two full birth sisters. They're my best friends.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
<div>Awesome! I have a full birth sister and brother. My bio sister is one of my BM. :-) I definitely talk more with her than my bio brother, but that has more to do with him being a guy and not really being that interested in girl stuff. Lol </div>
[QUOTE]Tell hiim to register with every service he can find. They do blind matches, based on birthdates and available information. The International Soundex Registry is the most common adoption registry. Was he adopted through an agency? They may have one, too. Most are free. <a href="http://www.isrr.org/About.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.isrr.org/About.html</a> Bastard Nation is another. To those of you above: <strong>Searching has absolutely nothing to do with "being disrespectful" or "respectful" to the adoptive parents. It has absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever. </strong>People outside the adoption triad don't understand that adoption brings with it certain issues. It's supposed to benefit everyone, so they are puzzled when adoptees question it "Weren't they good to you?" "Don't you worry about 'hurting them'"? "Violating privacy" and such are common clueless clod questions. The hostility aimed at birthparents is even worse. (I refer to them to "The Girls Who Went Away")
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Completely agree with this! My adopted parents were very supportive of both me and my sister when we wanted to search. I know they were nervous, but more for what we would find than for themselves. They are great parents and I wouldn't trade them for the world. At the same time, I have always wanted to know where I came from. When I was little I always wanted my mom to read the single sheet of information they had to me. I was always curious!</div><div>
</div><div>In the end I was lucky and was able to gain more loving family members. I know that is not always the case. </div><div>
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[QUOTE]Tell hiim to register with every service he can find. They do blind matches, based on birthdates and available information. The International Soundex Registry is the most common adoption registry. Was he adopted through an agency? They may have one, too. Most are free. <a href="http://www.isrr.org/About.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.isrr.org/About.html</a> Bastard Nation is another. <em>To those of you above: Searching has absolutely nothing to do with "being disrespectful" or "respectful" to the adoptive parents. It has absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever. People outside the adoption triad don't understand that adoption brings with it certain issues. It's supposed to benefit everyone, so they are puzzled when adoptees question it "Weren't they good to you?" "Don't you worry about 'hurting them'"? "Violating privacy" and such are common clueless clod questions. The hostility aimed at birthparents is even worse. (I refer to them to "The Girls Who Went Away")</em>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Retread, I usually agree with you, but I don't necessarily agree with this. I actually DO understand the issues associated with adoption--just because I didn't seek out my birth parents doesn't mean I don't understand the issues, etc. I DO think it violates some level of privacy, which is why I suggested going through an attorney. I felt like MY privacy was violated when my birth family found me, and with it came the emotional burden of staying in touch with them and meeting THEIR emotional needs. And I had an open adoption. So I really dont think that saying it's a violation of privacy is a "clueless clod question" as you state.
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[QUOTE]Freebread, what you should have done was write them a letter telling them a bit about the life you had, thanking them for giving it to you, perhaps send them a few photos, and then explained that you didn't want more contact. You can still do this.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
<div>Freebread- I was going to say something similair to the above. Regardless of who reaches out, the receiving party can say, "no thanks". I am not sure why you feel obligated to stay in touch if it is troubling to you. Had my birth family said that they would rather not meet me or be involved with my life, I would have been hurt, but that is their right. I would have moved on. </div>