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Is this offensive?

BrokenShotGlassBrokenShotGlass
First Comment
in Registry and Gift Forum
So my fiance and I don't need anything, in terms of wedding gifts. We have all the household items we should need, we've both had apartments. Instead we want to ask for money instead of gifts. I found this little rhyme online as a nice way of asking: "If you were thinking of giving a gift, to help us on our way. A gift of money towards our house, would really make our day" Is this tacky/rude?How else would you suggest asking for money in lieu of gifts without sounding demanding or like you're expecting a gift?
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Re: Is this offensive?

  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I find it offensive that you think it is acceptable to ask for money at all. The poem just makes me want to vomit.If you want money then don't register.  Some or most of your guests will get the hint.  It is also more acceptable to ask your families to spread the word.  For example, if Aunt Alma asks your mom what you want she can tell her "broken and mr. broken are saving for a (insert here)."  This is only if they ask though, no one should be offering up this information.  
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  • Leah&Christian09Leah&Christian09 member
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    I was about to say that very few etiquette breaches actually rise to the level of offensive, but yeah, this one does. Dressing it up with a cutesy rhyme doesn't make it any better. There is simply no way to ask for money without being rude. People know that cash is always a welcome gift. It is rude to ask for money, and it is rude to mention gifts in any way, shape or form. I find it hard to believe that you can't come up with anything you could use around the house. My H and I had each lived on our own for 5-10 years before moving in together, and lived together for 4 years before we got married. We found tons of things that we could use: formal china, new silverware, specialty baking dishes and gadgets, upgraded pots and pans, several appliances like an ice cream maker, sheets, towels, etc, etc. Walk around your place and think about things that could stand to be replaced/upgraded. When people ask about your registry, you can direction your mom/sister/whoever to say "They have a small registry at X, but they are really saving for a house." Otherwise, just skip the registry. People will figure out that you want money, and if they're comfortable giving it, they will.
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  • BrokenShotGlassBrokenShotGlass
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    I fail to see how it is so much more rude or offensive than listing a registry?
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Okay, so first of all, if you were going to do it anyway why bother asking?Second, a traditional registry does not dictate to your guests what they should buy you.  They can use the registry.  They can give money.  They can pick their store.  They can give you nothing.  You aren't telling them what to do you are merely providing easy access to possibilities should they want to purchase something.Including a request for money (even as a cutesy poem) is the equivalent of telling your guests what to buy for you.  They don't have choice, or the option to buy you nothing.  They know you are expecting something and they know that all you want is cash.  It isn't appropriate.Registry or gift information is never appropriate on any wedding correspondence (STDs, invites, etc) and it only acceptable on shower invites if the couple is registered.  Where exactly would you print this tacktastic poem?
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  • jinxed8605jinxed8605
    First Comment
    You never put ANYTHING about gifts (cash or otherwise) on an invitation. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER!!!!!!!!!!Asking for gifts is PLAIN RUDE! No one should be required to buy you a darn thing in order to celebrate your wedding day with you.You can place registry info on a wedding website and by word of mouth. That is it!
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  • Leah&Christian09Leah&Christian09 member
    First Comment
    Listing a registry is rude and offensive also.
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  • alliecarrie41alliecarrie41 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    you don't ask for money.  or gifts.  you just worry about your wedding.  done.
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  • MsGamblingGirlMsGamblingGirl
    First Comment
    As a guest you'd be getting a white elephant from me (some sort of picture frame or lamp or something). I don't want to buy your house for you.. I saved up and bought my own house. I'm happy to buy a  couple a nice place setting or some silver, or a blender, but no I don't want to fund their 401k, house, or vacation - that's on their dime.
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  • kristinanddankristinanddan member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    It is very rude. Do not ask for money.
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  • Crook251Crook251 member
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    Some of you ladies are RUDE. You couldn't find a better way to tell her that's not a great idea????? Gezz!
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Kristin - I hope you save that poem for the next time this question is asked.  That was funny! OP - there is a huge difference between a registry and asking that any gift they consider be money. A registry is a courtesy to your guests and a lifesaver for you.  It is nothing more than an opportunity to see what color you are using in your bath or bedroom, what appliances you need and what you like.  It is an opportunity to not receive 12 toasters and 4 blenders. It is never appropriate to mention gifts in the wedding invitation, only in the shower invitations - and even that is frowned upon in some circles. You asked if this was tacky/rude - well, yes it is.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Asking for anything is extremely offensive.  That doesn't make the OP a bad person.  It just means that she was thinking about doing something that was not smart at all.
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  • julesmarie1030julesmarie1030
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    "The poem just makes me want to vomit." That is unnecessary and way to dramatic......
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You never know.  Some people may need the smelling salts after reading something like that.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    "The poem just makes me want to vomit." That is unnecessary and way to dramatic...... Really? I find it to be a completely appropriate response to such an offensive request (an expectation of not only a gift but a gift of money) rolled into a ridiculous poem; a poem crafted to perform no other function that to attempt to downplay how rude and tacky (and offensive) the request truly is. I don't like rudeness, and I especially dislike rudeness poorly disguised.
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  • crissynmike2009crissynmike2009
    First Comment
    BrokenShotGlass -- Please dont let these rude ladies make you feel like crud, bc WOW...they just made me feel worthless, and I'm not even the one who asked the question!Anyways, with that said...some of the ladies (who put it nicely) have the right idea...have your family members and friends spread the word that you guys are saving up for a house...they'll figure it out.  REGARDLESS of what some of the other ladies have said (more particularly, the rude ones), your family and friends love you, and if you would like money to put down towards a house, I am sure they would be more than willing to give you cash on your big day.  Here's another thought...maybe you can register at a home improvement store like Lowe's, Home Depot, whatever.  So, when you finally do buy that house, you have home improvement items that will come in handy! My GOSH...some of you ladies are SOOO MEAN!  I think many of you should try out for an episode of Bridezillas!  Lay off the poor girl...geeze!  Oh...and by the way...in the past six months, I have received two invitations that have their wedding registries listed and (gasp!)...guess what?!?  I didnt think it was tacky at all!  And guess what else?  Big shocker, but I'm still friends with them!  In fact, it was convenient for me...instead of having to track down family and friends to figure it out, it was right there in front of me!
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Listing the registry information in the invitation is still rude.  Some things that are convenient are also rude.If DH breaks wind in front of me it's convenient but that doesn't make it appropriate at all.
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  • julesmarie1030julesmarie1030
    First Comment
    ""The poem just makes me want to vomit." That is unnecessary and way to dramatic...... Really? I find it to be a completely appropriate response to such an offensive request (an expectation of not only a gift but a gift of money) rolled into a ridiculous poem; a poem crafted to perform no other function that to attempt to downplay how rude and tacky (and offensive) the request truly is. I don't like rudeness, and I especially dislike rudeness poorly disguised. " I find it interesting and ironic that someone who posts the above message to a complete stranger hates rudeness.... If you want to tell someone, who innocently asks a question, that you don't think what they are doing is a good idea, there are nice ways to say it. Just because you are anonymous on this board does not give you the right to quit acting like a civilized person. Talk about being rude.....
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  • Leah&Christian09Leah&Christian09 member
    First Comment
    "I have received two invitations that have their wedding registries listed and (gasp!)...guess what?!? I didnt think it was tacky at all!" You are clearly an etiquette expert. Maybe you should pick up a book sometime. Just because you weren't bothered by a blatant request for cash or gifts doesn't make it less rude. It just means you don't know any better. Not everyone is raised to have manners.
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  • ks3pinkks3pink
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    It's obvious everyone wasn't raised with manners or else they wouldn't be so rude! I take it the people coming to your wedding know you and your situation. I think the short poem is cute and if it is a small intimate wedding I don't see it as offensive. If it's huge then it may not be the best idea as some upity people may take it wrong. GL!! 10/10/10 Bride!!
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  • GV0903GV0903 member
    First Comment
    A lot of people say it is rude which is why I am not doing it, but if I were your guest, I wouldn't mind at all
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    It's obvious everyone wasn't raised with manners or else they wouldn't be so rude!Not cool ks3.   The comments are blunt and to the point.  Personal attacks aren't cool.
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  • jinxed8605jinxed8605
    First Comment
    The plain and simple thing here as that this is a post we see ATLEAST once a day and every time it is the same response. Every time one of us has to explain that it is rude it is frustrating. All one has to do is scroll down 5-10 posts to see the same question... and every 5-10 posts after! Maybe pick up a wedding etiquette book? Go to the Ask Carley Q&A here on The Knot!We explained it was rude and bad etiquette, and OP decided that she didn't agree anyway and thinks traditional registry is rude. If you don't agree anyway and you aren't going to take our advice, no matter how kind or how blunt we put it, don't bother asking!
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  • jinxed8605jinxed8605
    First Comment
    One more thing, post this question in P&E and see what happens. Those girls will rip you 5000 new places to take a crap and you'll be happy at the answers you got here, no matter how rude you thought they were.
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  • MrsCanes511MrsCanes511 member
    First Comment
    Brokenshotglass- I think that only you know how your family and friends would feel about something like that. It may not be the most popular decision but everyones different, and I dont think its a matter of being rude or not because I really dont think thats being rude (as said...everyones opinions vary obviously) but one of my cousins recently got married and on her invitations it said something along the lines of "in leu (spelling?!) of gifts, money is accepted" (ok it didnt say the second part, but that was the meaning, it was a quirky line, I just cant remember exactly what it was) but no one on either side of her guest list was bothered by that, thats just how our family is. I think you should ask around to some of your family members and get their opinions and then maybe go from there.
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  • LindsayHallerToBeLindsayHallerToBe
    First Comment
    I have to agree about not asking for money. Regardless of how delicately it is asked, it demonstrates to your guests that you are expecting them to come to your wedding with a gift, making them feel like that's the whole reason why they are invited. If you want to do something unrelated to household items and that's more non-traditional, try a honeymoon registry. My fiance and I are working on a lavish honeymoon (because you only do this once!) and are finding that on a lot of the hotel websites there are links to create a honeymoon registry/fund toward that hotel. Hey, if you have everything else you need to make your house a home, might as well kick your marriage off to one hell of a start! Besides, many guests give money as a gift as it is. Just be appreciative and thankful that you will be surrounded by dear family and friends that day and they are what is most important besides you and your new husband on that special day.
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  • golf*bridegolf*bride member
    First Comment
    I typically buy a nice gift off the registry for the shower and then give a gift of money for the wedding.  If I got a poem like that, I'd purposely NOT give cash for the wedding and just buy a vase or pic frame.    There must be something you can register for -- everyone needs new towels, nice wine glasses, etc. 
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  • crissynmike2009crissynmike2009
    First Comment
    "You are clearly an etiquette expert. Maybe you should pick up a book sometime. Just because you weren't bothered by a blatant request for cash or gifts doesn't make it less rude. It just means you don't know any better. Not everyone is raised to have manners."Leah,Just call me Ms. Heathen!  HAHA...you are one hateful individual.  And if I were raised without manners, I could find many hateful things to say about you, just by looking at your wedding album.  BUT, since I was raised with some manners, I will refrain.By the way...I see that you are a lawyer...did they teach you to be hateful in law school?  Just curious...
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  • Leah&Christian09Leah&Christian09 member
    First Comment
    Crissy, I'm sorry you were raised with no manners. I'm sorry you find me hateful. I made a suggestion, "pick up an etiquette book" and I think it is excellent advice. Maybe you don't care enough about your friends and family to treat them with a little class now, but someday you will.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Leah,Just call me Ms. Heathen! HAHA...you are one hateful individual. And if I were raised without manners, I could find many hateful things to say about you, just by looking at your wedding album. BUT, since I was raised with some manners, I will refrain.Crissy, that's a snide way to make a personal attack. 
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