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headed2yale · September 2009

I put this on the MOB and MOG board too.So, my mom is paying for half of school (this is the last year she will be paying since we will be married next year) and I pay the other half. Problem is she doesn't want my FI and I to live together before we are married. But we are paying a TON of money to pay to live in a dorm in separate rooms. It would save us anywhere from $2000-3800 to move into an apartment together. We have five months until the wedding. FI and I are struggling to pay for FI's schooling (once we are married the school's financial aid will pay for it because we make little money). Our original plan was to live in the dorm and then in March when we were married we would move into a dorm that is for married couples. The housing office in the beginning told me that this would be completely possible now they are telling me it is impossible because it is the middle of the semester. So basically if we live in the dorm, we will not live together the first 2 months we are married and the rules are strick so we would only sleep together 6 times during the 2 months. Plus, here are the numbers for three semesters or 12 months of livingon-campus in a dorm separately for both FI and I =$11, 369off-campus together in an apartment =$7500 to $9500We have taken out loans to pay for school and housing. What we don't spend directly to the school we get in a residual check. So all of the money that would pay for the housing would be in a check in my parents names (because my loan and scholarships were processed before my mom's loan). Would you as a mother withhold that check from the daughter in this situation?

jagore08 · September 2009

This is a tough situation. On one hand I see your moms point because this is what she believes and it's her money. On the other hand, you guys are going to be married very shortly and if it saves money, why not? I would tread lightly with your mom in this situation. Does she have a specific reason she doesn't want you to live together before the ceremony? Have you and your FI sat down with her and explained your reasoning?

headed2yale · September 2009

It is how she was raised and partly that she is somewhat religious. I live two hours away from her so I talked to her on the phone and emailed her. I was totally ok with going with it her until they told me that I would have to wait two months to live with him after we were married. I don't feel like it is that reasonable to ask me to wait 2 months to live with him. The other thing is I have been very open with my mom. This is mostly due to the fact that I have a disease called Endometriosis and have to go to the OB/GYN a lot and wanted her there with me esp. since I eventually had surgery. So she knows we have sex. Also over the summer we lived in a dorm and basically lived together because the rules were more relaxed during the summmer. She knew this. She knew that the reason we are getting married now and not a year or two from now is because we simply can't afford to pay for FI's school without financial help through the school. His parents do not pay for it at all and we can't get a large enough loan to pay each year. We have to borrow half of it from my parents. They know our money situation and I was hoping she would understand. I told her about it today. So we will see how everything goes tomorrow. I asked her flat out in the email if she withhold the check because I can't sign the lease without knowing. But am I being unreasonable?

Se7enStar · September 2009

That is a tough position becuase morals and money aren't exactly comparable. Have you looked into different living arrangements after the fall semester (assuming you are on a semester system)? Is it possible to only live in the dorms until December and then move off campus in January? Do you think your mom would be more open to this? Will you get a partial refund if you move out of the dorms in March?

headed2yale · September 2009

I would but the apartment that would really only be an option is the one that is affiliated with the university. They only have 1 apartment left. Otherwise I would wait. and it wouldn't save us as much money if we did it after the fall semester.

aml828 · September 2009

Do you go to Yale?

headed2yale · September 2009

No, used to want to but plans have changed.

jennyp08 · October 2009

Hey;Two things... 1. I was in your shoes, at least with the parents having a dislike of me living with my boyfriend. You are engaged, at least, and she's still not having any of it, so I know she's similar to my parents in that regard.I was completely paying for my own school. (Law school, 23 years old, so my parents didn't factor into financial aid, etc). Decided to move in with my boyfriend because that was where we were at in our relationship. Parents HATED IT, never stopped hating it, and to this day (we are now engaged) continue to point out that we "disrespected their beliefs." Ask yourself this: this close to the wedding, is it WORTH the extra couple thousand dollars you would save when you are GUARANTEED to piss off your mother? lol Sounds silly, I'm sure, but that's reality. Also, who's footing the bill for the wedding??? Keep in mind that being dependent on your parents means that you can't always have your cake and eat it too. I've been there, done that. If you don't mind taking the cash, then try to just accept the strings that come with it. I have a classmate who is in law school, and will NOT let her boyfriend give up his apartment because her Catholic parents pay for her schooling & house. She's willing to deal with it, because overall they are making her life easier.Would I, as a mother, withhold the check? Not if she had a real discussion with me about it. However, I'm biased because I moved in prior to being married. lol Take it from my experience--parents with strict viewpoints on this issue WILL withhold a check, their approval, whatever they can, if they feel that you and your fiance have insulted their beliefs. If you've lasted this long not moving in, just suck it up for a few more months. You will be stressed out enough dealing with an upcoming wedding. You don't want it ruined by stress caused by insulted parents, etc (trust me, I'm dealing with that now, NOT fun.On a side note: is on campus dorms the ONLY available housing option for you, prior to marriage? Do any friends have available apartments, etc, that you can live in prior to the wedding? Then maybe an off-campus apartment would make more sense, rather than dorms. Dorms are very unflexible. Maybe off-campus housing will allow you to live together after the wedding without going against your mother's wishes.Good luck! I know this stuff is not easy!

indeliblecello · October 2009

We're in the same boat ... I'm graduating mid-year, so both of us would have had to find an apartment in December, which is impossible in a college town. So my fiance got the apartment in August and is renting the living room to a mutual friend of ours. I got a dorm room because both sets of parents would be upset if we lived together before the wedding.I lived in the dorms this summer and my fiance lived with me. Now I live in his apartment. I haven't gone back to my dorm room in weeks. I decided to suck it up and pay the money because my mother hates my fiance anyway, so if she knew we were living together she would be even more upset. And P.S. I'm still a virgin. Living together does not have to equal sex, as most people who were raised with religious backgrounds would have you believe.

FutureMrsKnapp2010 · October 2009

This sounds like it is a really complicated situation. I had a similar situation and here is how I dealt with it, maybe it might give you some help?I was transferring back to the same school where my fiance' was (at the time though he was only my boyfriend) and it was in January that I was transferring back, so most of the apartments had already been rented out at the place where I wanted to live (which is also where my fiance' works/ lives.. but I knew that I could get a good deal). Anyway, long story short because of when I was transferring there were not a whole lot of options, I sat my parents down (my whole family loves my fiance' but DO NOT approve of living together before marriage) and talked with them about me moving in with him. It made more sense. I would get a discounted rate, plus all of the utilities bills would be split in half so it would be much more financially responsible. They did not love the idea, but after they realized how much money would be saved they finally agreed. They are not happy about it, but we each have our own room and have saved a lot of money because we are able to split everything.I feel you on the not wanting to live in a separate dorm after you are married. I would try just sitting down with your parents and talking with them reasonably and explain to them the entire situation and that it really does make more sense for you guys to live together. If you are honest with them and they know whats going on maybe they will be more open to the idea. They love you and want you to be happy. It is really great that you are trying to do the right thing and save everyone money in the long run. Good luck with everything and keep us all updated!

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