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Etiquette

Parent fight - long post

Ok, my parents are paying for a large part of our wedding along with my FI and I. Future MIL has stated that she is not paying for anything, including rehearsal dinner and her dress. Ok, I don't expect anything so whatever, we'll pay for those things ourselves. The problem is my parents more involved than she is and are starting to work on the guest list and invitation wording (my mom is excited and looking ahead). FMIL is PO'ed that she will not be on the invite and has been limited to one table of guests. My dad tried to explain the limited budget, both ours and my parents. FMIL is screaming and crying that all of us are just being mean. Now I feel crappy and don't know what to do. I really can't afford to invite all of her co-workers that she is not really friends with, just wants to show off to, and to top it off some friends of hers that I and my dad do not like (at their own son's wedding these people insulted him and his bride, a toast should not be a roast, IMO.  And they have told my dad that he is just lazy because after he got laid off he didn't get a new full time job, he teaches a college now, albeit 3/4 time).Help!
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Re: Parent fight - long post

  • As long as your FI gets to include the family and friends that HE wants to include, I think it's fine to limit the extras that his mother can include.  She needs to suck it up and get over it.  How does your FI feel about the situation?
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  • I'm anti my own parents lately... so I say forget her.On a serious note... she's already stated that she isn't paying for anything, so I think you're in the total clear here to limit the number of people she can invite.  I'm that "I'm to nice to say anything to hurt them" person too... but you have to draw the line somewhere.Stick to your guns. (YEE HAW!)
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  • WAIT a sec... FMIL doesn't even want to pay for her own dress??? The rehearsal dinner, whatever.  But HER dress??? Yeah, FI needs to confirm who HE wants there and she needs to shutthefuckup.
  • How does FI feel about the situation?  You haven't mentioned him at all except to say he's footing part of the bill. First impressions, FMIL sounds like a nightmare and a big spoiled baby.  You've stated there's a limited budget, you can't afford all her co-workers - seem like that would be enough of a reason to stand firm.BUT, I have the inkling there isn't room enough for more than one table for her is because she isn't paying for anything.  I think that's the real issue and you're looking for validation on limiting the number of guests she can invite.
  • He is getting all the guests that he wants.  His father is deceased and his stepfather is also deceased.  So the problem is that his mom is a divorcee and a widow and he can't say no to her because "I am all she has".  He agrees with me but won't say anything to her, so my parents and I look like the bad guys.  Oh and her table of guests is a 10 top so she gets 9 people as guests!
  • Do NOT pay for that woman's dress. Seriously. I agree with Dani, as long as your FI is happy with "his side" of the list, then FMIL can suck it. Has your FI talked to her about it?
  • Wait, she wouldn't even buy her own dress?  I wouldn't pay for that in this situation.  She sounds like a real treat.  Your dad shouldn't be the one talking to Madam BSC.  Your FI should be doing that as it's his mother.  Tell your FI to talk to his mom.  If he lets her think she can get her way by freaking out like this it's going to become a difficulty in your marriage.
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  • I missed the part about her not wanting to pay for her dress.  She sounds effin ridiculous.  wtf? how do you not want to pay for your dress?  Is she on disability?  What's her financial situation?  Is it that she can't pay or won't pay?
  • Oh no it's won't pay.  She is gainfully employed as a teacher, has her deceased husband's pension and rental properties that are managed for her.
  • Did you specify what dress she has to wear, and she won't pay for that?  Or, you demanded any new dress and she says no?  Or, you said wear whatever you want, and she demands that you buy her a new dress?  On the guest front. . . If your budget allows for 75 guests, and you and FI and your parents have selected 66 people to invite, then it's ok that she gets 9.  If, however, your budget allows for 85 guests, you have selected 66, and you're limiting her to 66 because she won't pay up, then although that's within your rights - it seems petty and childish.  If, though, you won't let her invite more than 9 because 10 - 25 are people you object to and your FI is in agreement, then I think you're in the clear.
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  • He who pays gets the final say. Period.
  • Even more reason to hold your ground.
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  • Whatever you do, DO NOT buy her a dress!  She can either buy her own dress or wear something she already has.  Also, her name does not need to be on the invite since she is not hosting.  And she does not need more than one table of guests. 
  • For one thing don't pay for her dress.  It is not your responsibility to do that at all.  For another stick to your guns.  You have a budget to work with and if she doesn't understand that then she just needs to suck it up. 
  • If you are asking for validation, you, my dear, get it. You and your FI along with your parents get the final say. She can shutthefuckup since she can't even pay for her own f-ing dress. That would seriously pisss me off.
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  • How many guests are invited? If she gets 9 guests out of a total guest list of 40, that's not unreasonable. If she gets 9 guests out of 200+, that seems a bit like a slap at her for not offering any money.But yeah, not paying for her own dress? That's just whackadoodle.
  • wow she sounds like a ball of fun.....ok you aren't telling her she cant invite ANYONE...she has a table for her friends like you said, I think that is more then reasonable.  I don't know if I would buy her dress either, but that is something I would probably just do so I don't have to hear her complain about it.  If your FI is siding with you, he needs to get a back bone and tell his mother how its going to be. 
  • His father is deceased and his stepfather is also deceased. So the problem is that his mom is a divorcee and a widow and he can't say no to her because "I am all she has". He agrees with me but won't say anything to her,People act how others allow them to act.  If everyone is treating her with kid gloves and is afraid to stand up to her, her behavior is only going to continue.  You and your FI need to talk about this now.  It will not go away after you're married.
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  • Oh no it's won't pay.Who the hell does she think she is?!
  • Dress situation...Told her she can wear whatever she likes as long as it's not white.  She would wear white if not instructed to do so, I was then told if I cared what she wore I would have to buy her a new dress that she picked out.  So I replied that she could wear whatever made her happy.  This = FMIL calling me petty and mean. On the guest front. . .budget allows for 125 - between my list and FI's list both sets of parent's left with 8-10 guests of their own.
  • You and your FI need to talk about this now. It will not go away after you're married.Very true Dani, I was thinking the same thing!
  • Also, does she know that the 9 guests you are giving her doesn't include her own family?  I mean she knows that you are inviting your FI's family members right and these 9 are just any old extras she wants to invite?
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  • I realize I'm not the only one who has posted a "wha?" on this, but she's not paying for her own dress???  So who does she expect to pay for it?And, uh, does she realize that the names on the invite are the names of those who are hosting the wedding reception, not just arbitrarily the parents of the couple?  Because if she's so adamant that she's not paying a dime for your wedding, she really shouldn't have a place on the program, unless you're really nice and want to include her.
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  • I think that it doesn't matter how many guests you have. I agree completely with pp who said that people like that act how others allows them to act. If I was a mother and couldn't afford a dime to my son's wedding, I would not expect to be allowed to invite whoever the hell I wanted, no matter how small or large the party was.
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  • Okay, so now I'll ditto Dani. She acts like this because the people around her allow it. If your FI doesn't nip this in the bud, it will only get worse after you are married.
  • between my list and FI's list both sets of parent's left with 8-10 guests of their own.Does she know that your parents only get 8-10 extra guests as well? 
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  • She didn't go nutty until FI bought me the ring.  Up until then she was soooooo nice and we have been together for 7 1/2 years, come on marriage was inevitable.FI and I have talked about it, he is taking her out to dinner tonight privately to talk, but I am afraid she will cry and he will back down.
  • She knows that my parents are only getting 8-10 guests of their own too, but for some reason thinks she should have more.
  • If I was helping pay for my kids wedding I wouldn't expect to much either.  It is their day and they should make it what they want.  Everyone pitched in for our wedding, and we planned it how we wanted and our parents didn't say a word.  In the end they loved it and said it turned out wonderful. 
  • FMIL is SOL. If she isn't going to contribute, she can't complain. I agree that if FI has there who he wants, then it's good to go. And I'd be telling FMIL that I hope she has something nice in her closet. Ridiculous she won't buy her own dress.
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