Maid of Honor is MIA... need your advice!

artemis82 · October 2009

This is exactly the kind of stuff that bugs me about this board. She was asking specifically about wedding advice- not whether she was being a good friend and all of you are calling this OP mean, nasty things and you don't even know her- Retread, it's obvious you didn't even read anything in this post at all- she never said a word about kicking out her BM and the WHOLE ISSUE IS ABOUT THE BM GETTING THE DRESS. All the regulars posts are just to preach their "knottie bible of brides who need to be shut down a notch" rather than actually listening and helping. I keep coming on here for the entertainment value, but every once in a while I come on here and get genuinely angry at posts like this. I'm glad the OP got some constructive ADVICE... not criticism. You have no clue what she's been trying to do for this person as a friend, and it wasn't the point of the post- just because a friend is in a crisis doesn't mean the wedding stops. Just as a bride needs to understand that her friends' lives go on outside the wedding, friends need to understand that the wedding goes on outside the lives and crises of our friends. It's a struggle to balance it all and I swear sometimes I wonder if any of you have even truly been through a wedding- I know that you have but your intolerance just screams ignorance of what a bride goes through while planning. Yes, programs are a small deal and so are dresses in the end, but they are still issues that need attention in some regard and therefore the advice should be what to do about them, not that she's a bad friend for having to address them. Shame on you all

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

"or do I just forget her because no good maid of honor would leave a bride hangin like this?" Reading fail. Besides, anyone with a brain realizes that friendships are more important than anything to do with a wedding.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Deanna, you've kept it no secret that you hate everyone here. So why do you keep coming back if you hate us all so much?

banana468 · October 2009

Moderator here! Deanna, this is a warning. Attacking the posters and particularly attacking my co-Mod is NOT appropriate nor is it acceptable.Cool it.

banana468 · October 2009

That's only if you spot it first Retread. ;-)

stilettos_and_sippys · October 2009

Thank you Deanna... I truly appreciate what you said. It's not that I need someone on my "side" but I feel like you actually GET the situation and what I was trying to say. As far as getting mad at her for taking up for me... What on earth is up with that?! I don't see how she did anything wrong... she was quite a bit more compassionate than any one else on here... and quite honestly it seems like this hatefulness is a door that's only allowed to swing one way. Is this board just here for people to nit pick at each other? From all my life experience concerning constructive criticism I've always found being gentle and helpful is what's most effective... not trying to be right and get the last word. I'll never be that person on here... or anywhere else for that matter. As far as my comment about Christian advice, what I meant by that was I did NOT make this post looking for life advice on how to handle my relationships. (that's when I talk to the people in my life with strong Christian values)... I simply asked a question ABOUT THE WEDDING... that's all I wanted and since I didn't give a zillion details about the truly important stuff I somehow end up being a selfish bad friend... wow, I just think that's very harsh coming from people who don't know the half of it. Someone made the comment about me being upset and "sobbing" because of what people wrote and somethig to the effect of I need to get it together... Try and understand that I've lost my one and only best friend and I've been heart broken for days... and in stead of being supportive I get comments on how awful I am... when I've done NOTHING but my very best to be a good friend. I hope I have the wrong impression thus far because I was really lookihng forward to getting to know some other girls who are going through the same things as I am. This is my first experience this place... maybe I just came on a bad day.

dsouldiva · October 2009

Cassie,Most women in your friends situation do exactly what your friend is doing, i.e. cut loved ones out of their life. This is because deep down she knows she is making a bad decision going back to the abusive ex but she's still holding on to the fantasy that 'he can change' and 'they can be happy' and if she can just prove to him how much she wants it to work by cutting out people who've ever 'doubted' them, then her fantasy might just come true.Of course we all know it isn't going to happen and of course you wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't try and stop her making this mistake and getting hurt, again. But my original advice still stands, give her some space, you know she's Ok because you've seen her posts on Myspace and spoken to her Mum. Leave it a bit (as hard as it is), send her the card and show her you can be supportive whether she is with this guy or not. Be prepared to offer out an invitation to him to come to your Wedding.As for the dress, order the other girls dresses and pick an off the rack dress for your friend when she comes round, and she will!

stilettos_and_sippys · October 2009

Thank you dsouldiva... that was very well stated, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm going to do exactly that... that's really all I can do. After that, it just is what it is I guess. Thanks again

ffmaid · October 2009

S&S- You have not lost your best friend unless you let yourself lose your best friend . Cool it on the wedding and the dress let her order hers later or she is moh she can always have another dress. Calm down and realize that this week is not about you and she has bigger issues to deal with then a bridesmaids dress. You are the one making this friendship ending when it could instead be just a week without much talking. Do you realize what a pest you are being to her if she is your best friend you woudl back off for a week or two and then deal with her issues and only then woudl you start stressing about some bridesmaids dress. Relax and step back and stop being so melodramatic and you will not lose a best friend. However if you can not stop being melodramatic and need to be a source or stress not strength right now for her yes maybe you will lose her as a friend but you will have first shown that you were not her friend.

mbcdefg · October 2009

sometimes I wonder if any of you have even truly been through a wedding- I know that you have but your intolerance just screams ignorance of what a bride goes through while planningI don't get why wedding planning is supposedly something stressful and complicated and awful that brides have to "go through."A loved one's death is something that you have to "go through." Unemployment is something that you have to "go through." Cancer is something that you have to "go through."You're planning a freaking PARTY. Pretending that planning a wedding is some huge, awful, stressful, life-altering this, when there is so so SO much worse stuff out there in the world ... THAT is what's "ignorant." People in Third World countries would laugh their behinds off if some American bride said to them, "OMG, wedding planning is just so stressful and I can't believe that I have to go through all this."If anybody thinks that wedding planning is just so stressful, and is to the point of losing friends over it ... then look up the nearest freaking Justice of the Peace. Seriously.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

If planning a wedding is stressful and not fun, you're doing it wrong. You're taking it too seriously or demanding too much or you have lost sight of what the day is all about. Signed, Bride who had a perfect wedding and 100% stress-free planning

banana468 · October 2009

I'll be honest - planning my wedding was a bit stressful. However it wasn't the party planning that was stressful. it was dealing others that became stressful because outrageous demands were made.That said, this isn't the issue here and the issue isn't even a wedding issue. THAT is the point that many of the posters are trying to make and it's one that S&S finally made.It's about friendship, life, and seeing what happens when things change. The bottom line is that you need ot see how your friend is doing and to see what you can do to make HER better. Your wedding does come second to all of that.

mbcdefg · October 2009

"Stressful," as in, "For cripe's sake, my parents need to stop adding people to the guest list," or, "I really wish FI would make that call to book the DJ like I asked him to" ... that's totally understandable. "Stressful," as in telling other people, "You have NO IDEA what it's like to go through planning a wedding, because I'm sitting here sobbing over every little decision and detail" ... THAT is what's ridiculous and just plain melodramatic.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Ditto mbc. If you sob over anything about your wedding, or state that you need "support" during this "time of need" you frankly need to get over yourself.

stilettos_and_sippys · October 2009

Brooke... didn't you say somewhere that you didn't even do any of the planning, that your family did everything for you... that you didn't even pick your bouquet??? Well.... honey, that's probably why you had no stress. Some people actually have to do things all by themselves and don't have mommy and daddy to do it for them. I'm sure sorry if this offends any one, and when I say this I;m not including everyone... because there were some seriously nice and helpful people... BUT with that being said some of you seem to be the most know-it-all self-righteous people I've come across in an insanely loooong time. Seems to me that some of you are the kind of people who'd like to either be "right" or make other people feel badly to feel better about yourselves... WOW... not my kind of people or my kind of place if this is the way it is. No need to tell me I "can't talk like this" b/c apparently there are only certain people who are allowed to run their mouths... . SO... to those ofyou who helped me and were sweet, thank you so very much! And to the rest of you... have fun sitting on your computers all day being hateful... PEACE OUT.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Had it not been our parents, it would have been a wedding planner. None of these things are necessities. You don't HAVE to have all these things. None of them are worth stressing about. And just because you CHOOSE to make a big deal out of the little details does not justify a "woe is me mommy and daddy won't do things for me" attitude. Get the heck over yourself. No wonder your friend doesn't return your calls.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Honey, if nearly everyone in this thread is telling you, "Don't worry about the dresses and programs right now, and start worrying about your friend some more" ... you honestly don't think they have a point? You're seriously going to chalk that up to people being "hateful"? You really think that people just log onto this website for the sole purpose of picking on people? (And if that's the case, then why isn't every single thread here full of "hateful" answers?) Sweetie, you're not that important that people here feel the need to knock you down for no reason. People keep telling you the same exact thing because you're just. not. getting. it. First, you need to get a dictionary and look up what the word "hateful" actually means. Don't throw around a word like that and expect people to feel sorry for you. Second, if you're getting THIS defensive over everything in this thread, I think that's a sign that you know, deep down, that the people here are right. Third, plenty of us here are planning weddings with little or no family help. So stop whining that you need to do all of this yourself ... it's YOUR wedding, so YOU are the only one obligated to plan it. And if you're finding it to be so ridiculously hard and stressful, then you're obviously taking on more than you can handle. So either scale back, or just elope if you can't manage to plan any kind of large-scale wedding without sobbing. There is zero need for that.

jccswl · October 2009

I gotta say that not ALL boards are like this, the one I regularly post on is quite nice and helpful. I've only come on this one for basic help. It's true tho, it's really clique-y here. You'll notice it's the same ladies answering and giving the same advice. They all have each others backs, so if you go against one beware of the wrath. That's why you have lots of deleted posts, woman that come here for help get flamed and intimidated and leave. JUST SAYIN.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Or, you know, people could be deleting posts because they're not used to hearing that *gasp* they're in the wrong, because their local and club boards have been constantly blowing smoke up their rear ends. JUST SAYIN. Seriously. Scroll through this board a bit and read through threads where the "clique-y" girls agree with the original poster (even if she's not a regular poster here). And where they post helpful advice that's not rudely deleted. And where the original poster is mature enough to realize, "Hey, you know what, maybe they're right and I've been looking at this situation the wrong way." And the posts where the original poster actually thanks people for their helpful advice. So before you start crying about all the meanies on the Internet, take a second to think about the fact that YOU could actually be in the wrong here. Not that you're always right because you're The Bride, and that anyone who dares to disagree with you is just hateful or jealous or "out to attack."

banana468 · October 2009

JC, there may be ladies who come here and frequently post but the board is not full of cliques.It is an open place for anyone to post and the desire is that all are free to post in an open environment.Personal attacks are removed and yours seriously borders on one. You don't have to like the advice stated so offer your own opinion without insulting others. That's what makes this place great.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Just in the past couple days: Post in which people mostly agreed that a BM was acting badly and the bride would be justified in kicking her out: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=62358494&forumid=37 Post in which people mostly agreed that the bride was right in determining what the GM would wear and that the people who disagreed with her were in the wrong: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=62340110&forumid=37 I for one will never agree to a bride acting like an entitled brat just because she got a ring on her finger. Getting engaged is no excuse to stop being a good person. And it's always helpful to get a dose of perspective that your wedding is not the center of the universe. I think everyone here is/has been guilty of that at some point. If this is where it's brought to your attention, so be it.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Oh, and here's another one where the board pretty much unanimously agreed that the bride was totally justified in not asking certain people to be her BMs: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=62347489

mbcdefg · October 2009

You'll notice it's the same ladies answering Because many people tend to hang out on certain boards. and giving the same advice. Because you get the same freaking questions every week:Can I kick my BM out and still have her as a guest and have her be happy about it? Probably notCan my BMs wear different dresses and shoes? YesIs it rude to kick someone out of the wedding party (or add a random person) just to keep the sides even? ExtremelyWhat kind of gift should I get my wedding party members? Whatever they'd like, it doesn't need to be wedding-themed. The answers aren't going to change. Having 10 people answer a post in the same basic way doesn't mean there's some kind of "clique" here ... it means that those 10 people have common sense and will give you a blunt answer without feeling the need to sugar-coat it to make you feel better about yourself. And if 10 out of 11 or 12 people here are telling you that something's not a good idea, then chances are that 10 out of 11 or 12 of your real-life friends are thinking the same thing. It's a simple matter of statistics. The only difference is that people here will tell you straight-up what they think, whereas people you know in real life will just talk about it behind your back. Just because they're not telling you that you're acting like a spoiled brat doesn't mean that they're not thinking that you're acting like a spoiled brat.

ffmaid · October 2009

Honestly if you are not willing to put the dress and priograms on hold right now for her to deal with her huge life issues, and let it come what may even if that means she might end up having to rush order a dress or gasp wear a different dress , or gasp buy that dress on ebay from some other BM getting rid of an BM dress worn once then S&S you are not her friend and kicking her out is a favor and a kindness.

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

You know, if you have this much of a problem with people telling you that you should put a friendship ahead of your wedding, maybe you should just do the girl a favor and kick her out. She doesn't need people like you in her life anyway.

melishka716 · October 2009

I hope you come back S&S. I mean it. Even if it's just to read and not post. Where are you getting your dresses from? I ask because my girls got them from Alfred Angelo. To order them, they would have needed to about 2 months out, as well, but they also have a rush system. It works like this: They can rush just the making of the dress, they can rush just the delivery- either speeds it up by a couple of weeks. OR they could do both and get it within 2-3 weeks. Of course, there is an extra charge for one or both of these, but 2 of my 3 girls decided to do this because it worked out better, financially, for them.And BTW, on the Christian thing... Yeah, I'm one, too, but let's be honest here. Who wants to always hear someone preach about God or give that type of advice? I mean, not everyone is a Christian, and it's hard to tell.

artemis82 · October 2009

How am I a troll by posting only when I feel I have something to say? How is my attack worse than StageManager's attacks telling people that they're not deserving of their friendships WHEN SHE DOESN'T know them? Wow this board amazes me. Ban me if you want to, I really don't care - my wedding is in three days and quite frankly, I haven't goten very much off this site, besides the entertainment value of the drama. But guess what? It will only look bad on you for kicking someone out who was just voicing their opinion and I don't think pointing out someone wasn't reading a post clearly is anything worse than other attacks from other posters on here. Just because someone doesn't agree and does it in a passionate way doesn't mean they are insulting anyone. I said she hadn't read the post- that's not an insult, that's my perception of fact, of an event. If I'd called someone stupid because of it or illiterate, then maybe I could see your point. Yes, I only come on occassionally to say when I think you guys are saying something wrong. I don't get involved in the everyday stuff because it's pretty much the same people saying the same thing over and over again. This one struck a chord with me is all. I'm not a troll, but as I said, ban if you must. Oh, and by the way, if 10 different people come on here saying you guys are offensive and mean, which I have seen in the last couple of weeks, then maybe you ought to take it into consideration instead of protecting your inner group of posters, seeing as these poor brides who get hurt by you HAVE to take your advice because the same 10 people say it must be so. Again, I thought this board had changed... I thought wrong.

artemis82 · October 2009

Let me clarify something- calling someone stupid or illiterate could also be considered a perception of fact but it's socially defined as derogatory. I was not puting my personal opinion of who the poster is by stating what I did. Only describing their actions.

melishka716 · October 2009

Deanna: Look, we've all been told to cool it. I told ffmaid to shut it in one of her posts, and yes, I got into trouble for that. Don't take things so personal.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Oh, and by the way, if 10 different people come on here saying you guys are offensive and mean, which I have seen in the last couple of weeks, then maybe you ought to take it into consideration instead of protecting your inner group of postersYou also need to look at the posters who are saying that people are "mean," though. 9 times out of 10, the "You're all mean!" statements are coming from people who think the bride is always right no matter what the circumstances, and/or people who are upset that their crappy behavior is not being justified. These comments are also coming from girls who believe that the sole purpose of this message board is for all of us to unconditionally support each other. Go to the local/club boards sometime, and you'll see that much of the time, someone with a crappy idea (or who's posting about treating her friends/family like dirt) gets responses along the lines of, "It's your wedding, sweetie, so you should be able to do whatever you want!" Or, people who disagree with her just keept their mouths shut out of fear of offending or upsetting her. seeing as these poor brides who get hurt by you HAVE to take your advice because the same 10 people say it must be so. If someone is "hurt" by what she reads on a message board, then she needs to take it MUCH less seriously. If she's to the point of sobbing because a bunch of anonymous people on a website are telling her that she's wrong, then she's just entirely too sensitive. And/or refuses to believe that she's in the wrong. Especially if her friends and family either coddle her and tell her that she's always right (especially if they use the dreaded, "It's your wedding so you get whatever you want!" line, which is a load of B.S.), or keep their mouths shut when she DOES act like a brat because they're afraid of angering or hurting her. You aren't doing your loved ones any favors if you refuse to call them out on their crappy behavior.

Maid of Honor is MIA... need your advice!

Re: Maid of Honor is MIA... need your advice!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards