Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

Bridesmaid drama: WWYD

So I am really trying hard not to be bridezilla and wanted to get your opinion on how to handle this.I have a bridesmaid who has been a bit of a problem from the start.  She didn't attend the bridal shower after telling my MOH that morning that she woke up late and was hurrying to get there on time, then went MIA after it started and we couldn't get a hold of her until 10 pm that night.  She gave me a whole big story that may or may not be true, but either way, she was supposed to attend and even had stuff she was supposed to bring and didn't (which my MOH was pretty upset about).Then my bachelorette party, we gave her plenty of notice when the date was going to be.  A month beforehand, she says that she is going to be celebrating her birthday that weekend (her birthday was on Tuesday and my party was 5 days later on Saturday) in Austin instead so she wouldn't be able to make it.  Deep down, my initial thought was:  you have a birthday every year, and I'm having a bachelorette party once.  But I didn't want to seem selfish so I tried to blow that one off, too.NOW, today- a couple weeks before my wedding, she sends me a text telling me that her niece's baptism (in Houston) is the Sunday morning after my wedding, so she's probably going to have to leave after the ceremony.  I'm sorry, but I am almost speechless.  Like, are you serious?  You're really going to pull this crap 2 weeks before my wedding that you already committed to being a bridesmaid at?How do you handle this?  I wish I could just tell her "no, that's really not cool and you already committed to do this for me."  But at the same time, I'm now thinking, "fine, leave so I don't have to pay for your really nice meal that you obviously don't give a crap about."Would you even try to reason with her or just tell her "okay?"  Don't want to be Bridezilla, but come on...TIA!

Re: Bridesmaid drama: WWYD

  • edited December 2011
    While I would be totally pissed if I were in shoes, I'm going to say this-coming from someone who's not 2 weeks out from getting married to put things in perspective :)  It's her niece's baptism.  I wouldn't miss that for the world.  I don't know your friend and I don't know how important family is to her, but family is important to me-so when my nieces got baptised, I was there.  No questions asked, rain or shine, obligation or not.I don't know why she can't stay a few more hours for you  to be there during the reception, but that's her call to make.While I know where you're coming from and yes, she's been flaky throughout the whole process-just let her do what she wants and if you go your own ways after the wedding, let it be.  Weddings really show you who your true friends are. 
  • edited December 2011
    I'd offer to relieve her from her duties as a Bridesmaid.   If she still wants to come, fine, but if she would prefer to be elsewhere then let her.  
  • edited December 2011
    Really it doesn't seem like she wants to be a bridesmaid, it would save you so much money and regret having her stand up there with you. If it was me I would just tell her how I felt and that I think that it is wrong, she how she reacts and go from there. If she really seems not to care how you feel then just tell her that you know she has a lot of stuff going on and that you just don't want her to be in the wedding. ( I am sure you can think of some kind wording). Its not worth the regret seeing her up there next to you and she already seems not to care, but you also want to ensure that you let her know its bugging you, maybe she doesn't know how important is to you.
  • maykiousmaykious member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP's.  If she really, really wanted to be there, then she would.  I'd also say something like, "It seems like you've got a lot going on and if being a bridesmaid is causing you some added stress, I definitely don't want you to feel like you are obligated to do this and if you want to back out, I'll be sad, but I'll understand."  Just make sure you're sincere when you say it.  Any sarcastic or passive-agressive undertone can easily start a fight.  If she opts out, then take the money that would have been spent on her gift and meal and treat yourself to a pre-wedding massage.  I'd be pretty upset if I were in your shoes as well. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I'd offer to relieve her from her duties as a Bridesmaid. If she still wants to come, fine, but if she would prefer to be elsewhere then let her.Just a warning-if you do decide to give her an "out", you run the risk of not being friends afterwards.Seriously ask her if there's any way she can stay for at least the dinner, toasts, and cake cutting.  If she can't spare that time, then you need to understand it.To me, it sounds like she wants to be at your wedding, but that the family thing has thrown a wrench in it.  It's not like she went to her bro/sis (whoever's kid it is) and said, "Hey, can you PLEASE have my niece's baptism the day after my friend's wedding so that I have an excuse to leave right after the ceremony?"  I mean, seriously.  When my nieces got baptised it was a really big deal and planned out.  Once the date was set, it was set.
  • edited December 2011
    And not to be a post whore but seriously:Many  young and single friends do not understand the importance or what duties/expecations are of the role of Bridesmaid.  You can't get upset about this.  Some people just don't understand.  It seems to me that she's in a different place in her life than you are in yours, and that she simply cannot relate to you and doesn't know what good and bad etiquette is.  I don't think this is her fault.  Also, friends don't suddenly become flaky or selfish all of a sudden, she was probably already like this and now that you're getting married you just notice it more.
  • edited December 2011
    I would be soo upset. That is really rude-does she not have ANY manners? I would tell her that she is not a bridesmaid anymore (not give her the choice) because I would not want to see her face standing next to me when I am getting married because I know that I would be thinking about all her crap and how disrespectful she is.  But, I would have decided this when she pulled the crap about the bachelorette party because that seems to be a pretty big clue to the fact the fact that she is not your true friend.  She needs to get over herself. I underdstand the baptism that she wants to attend, but a baptism isnt randomly scheduled just a couple of weeks prior-she knew when it was and should have told you. Also, if she cared about your friendship then she would stay for the reception and leave early in hte morning or just dont get drunk at the wedding and drive to the place of the baptism that nighjt after the reception.
  • edited December 2011
    "Just a warning-if you do decide to give her an "out", you run the risk of not being friends afterwards. Seriously ask her if there's any way she can stay for at least the dinner, toasts, and cake cutting. If she can't spare that time, then you need to understand it. To me, it sounds like she wants to be at your wedding, but that the family thing has thrown a wrench in it. It's not like she went to her bro/sis (whoever's kid it is) and said, "Hey, can you PLEASE have my niece's baptism the day after my friend's wedding so that I have an excuse to leave right after the ceremony?" I mean, seriously. When my nieces got baptised it was a really big deal and planned out. Once the date was set, it was set. " While I see what Mariah is saying, if it was just the baptism I would agree, because family is always first in my book, but because of her two previous actions I don't it is just because it is family. If she is a true friend and really does just have a lot of stuff going on she will still be your friend no matter what.
  • lipstick101lipstick101 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes- I'm wondering though why she didn't find out the date sooner with something as important as a baptism.  And I wouldn't ask her to skip out on that...but if it were me, I would just suck it up and do the late night drive, be kinda tired at the baptism, and then sleep all day after it.  I mean our wedding is at 5 pm and the reception will start around 6:15...it wouldn't be completely unreasonable to ask that she stays through dinner.  But then again, why should I ask her "hey can you please stay so I can pay for your dinner?"To the people who think I should just ask her to step down if she wants to, y'all wouldn't be worried about the uneven numbers?  Would you just have 1 less bridesmaids and keep all the groomsmen?Thanks so much for all the advice!
  • edited December 2011
    there is** not there's
  • lipstick101lipstick101 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also, friends don't suddenly become flaky or selfish all of a sudden, she was probably already like this and now that you're getting married you just notice it more.These words could NOT be more true!  I am just figuring this out!
  • edited December 2011
    No one cares about uneven numbers. If you want to end the friendship, just say "nevermind, don't come to my wedding" and leave it at that. I must be really laid back or something because my BM couldn't make it to my shower and I didn't flip out and my sister couldn't make it to my bachelorette party (btw, she was my MOH) as well as some other girl friends I invited, and I didn't think any less of them.
  • almoyoalmoyo member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Amber,There is = there's. You were fine the first time.
  • edited December 2011
    Well if it was just the Baptism conflict then I'd be very understanding, but like other's said her previous actions have shown that being involved isn't important to her.I wouldn't kick her out, just offer to let her step down.  I don't mean that in fury or necessarily a friendship ending move, but I'd just want to be surrounded by those who want to be there on my wedding day.From what you've told us about her behavior (the party where she was supposed to bring things but didn't show) I'd be worried about her showing up on time, etc.   Not something I'd want to worry with on my wedding day.
  • lipstick101lipstick101 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mariah-  my MOH couldn't come to my bach party either but I felt like her reason was a lot more genuine.  Maybe it's wrong of me to think that way, but she had already planned pretty much my entire bridal shower and hosted it, so I didn't feel as hurt by it.  I just kind of felt like...well, your birthday isn't that actual day, or even that weekend, couldn't you celebrate it to the weekend before or after?
  • almoyoalmoyo member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We had uneven numbers on purpose. No one said anything about it, and the photos don't look weird.
  • lipstick101lipstick101 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tiffany- I am definitely worried about something like that happening.
  • edited December 2011
    It's not priorities or failure to attend the bachelorette party that I'd be fuming about, it would be the shower where she was committed to coming and actually told someone she was on her way and didn't show.That would have been my breaking point.
  • maykiousmaykious member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't worry about the uneven numbers.  One girl gets to walk down with two guys.  It might sound tacky, but really, no one cares.  It's cute. My BFF had more bridesmaids, so one of them walked down with her two younger sisters who were junior bridesmaids.  It was really sweet since that particular friend had known them the longest--nearly since birth.
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  • JessAndColtonJessAndColton member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I actually had a bridesmiad that was really flaky & we just kind of lost contact.  I asked her to be my bridesmaid right after we got engaged, but a couple months later...we just lost contact. I had two girls and three guys...it didn't look weird and no one cared.  In several of the pics, we had the ushers as well, so it was six guys 2 girls and a bride and groom.   I didn't think anything of it. In fact, we made it a joke at the wedding. On the way out, the best man and MOH paired up and then the bridesmaid walked over and "picked" her groomsman and the last one walked out by himself with a frown...(all planned out).  It was a inside joke with us that he will always be alone, so he wanted to play it up. Everyone went "awwh." and then busted out laughing.
  • lipstick101lipstick101 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you so much everyone!
  • edited December 2011
    I am pretty we are going to end up with uneven numbers on each side. I am looking to have 4-5 bridesmaid and Fi will probably only have 3 grooms men.
  • edited December 2011
    I have to chime in here because I have had the exact same issue. And my wedding is 2 weeks away as well. One of my bridesmaids didn't make the shower or my bachelorette party. Her excuses were awful. She also made plans early on in the planning process to attend one of the bridal shows with me and canceled the day before saying she needed to stay home. She ended up being gone that entire day. She also ran the decision on the dresses they chose. She was very difficult when it came to that. All of it combined really upset me. Here is the kicker. When I asked her to be a BM I told her it would require some participation on her part. There would parties, get togethers and things like that. She knew she needed to be there because I told her. I dont think that being young or not in the same place as you is an excuse. My Bm is 37! It is insensitive to say the least. It is one thing for one person to miss one party and another to miss a different party but the same person missing 2 or 3 different things? Why would you want to continue a friendship with a person like this anyway? Here is what I did. Last week I was having the BM luncheon and I sent this BM an email about it and told her about it twice. I really didnt think she was going to show up. This was it, my last straw. She did show up. If she hadnt though I just wasnt going to contact her at all and "remind" her of any other wedding plans. I have decided to not pursue my friendship with her after the wedding. I am not going to be rude to her in anyway, but I am just not going to make an effort to be friends with her since she can not make a small effort for me on this special day. Afterall she did agree to be in my wedding. If it was too much for her to take on then she should of said so. Just like any other girl should do if they cant step up and be there for their friend. Sorry for the long rant, but this just really gets under my skin and I feel for you lipstick101. I hope my story helps in some way. Just remember, at the end of the day your wedding will be beautiful and you will be marrying the man of yor dreams!
  • edited December 2011
    First, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Most people already know the drama I've had with my MOH.  It sucks.  You ask these ladies to be a part of the most special day of your life as an honor and you expect that they will look at it as an honor rather than a burden.  In my opinion, your friend is a flake and I probably wouldn't put too much effort into a friendship with her after the wedding.  Friendships are supposed to be give and take, not one sided.  I can understand your worry about the uneven numbers, I was worried about  that too during the two weeks my MOH would not speak to me.  I think that ultimately though, it doesn't really matter.  Even or uneven, it will be beautiful and you want to have those people standing next to you (and in your pictures!) that were there for you and supportive of you.  I would probably talk to her nicely about the way her actions have hurt you.  I would suggest her doing the late night or early morning drive and see what she says.  In all honesty though, a true friend would find a way to be at both your wedding AND reception AND the baptism the next day....it's only Houston, it's not like it's another country!  Good luck!!!
  • edited December 2011
    I had something similar happen to me. One of my BM's didn't get along with the other three. She is super controlling so she took it upon herself to plan the bachelorette party. Which is fine, except she planned an out of town party that no one could afford, and one of my BM's is preggo. She didn't come to dress fittings, she complained about the shoes everyone wanted to wear (I let them work that out). She brought her boyfriend to my wedding shower (which is fine, except he was the only guy there, and she didn't participate, showed up late and talked to him the entire time). At my bachelorette party, she got hammered drunk. Which is fine, except: she was wearing an EXTREMELY skanky dress and was busting out of it all night (in fact a male bartender pulled me aside and asked me to put my friends boobs back in her dress); she had to be helped out by some guys that were with us; and THEN she made a move on my bro-in-law. Who's wife is preggo and one of my BMs. When I pulled her aside and asked her to cool it, I got an earful, and then she stormed out. I went outside (you are prob betting this story couldn't get more WT but it is..) and we were at a strip club. She was walking BAREFOOT in the parking lot of a strip club on the phone looking for a ride. Needless to say, she took herself out of the wedding and her son who was my RB. Two weeks before the wedding. Personally, I would much rather her remove herself before than run the risk of her not showing up the day of.
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