Advice

EMarie777 · October 2009

My BF and I have been dating for the past 4 years. We've been talking about marriage for the past 1.5 years. He's actually more into it than I am at times lol We would really like to just get married already even though people say we are "so young". Ideally we would like to be married early August 2010. We are both still in school, but he will have the next two years paid for and I will hopefully have at least half of my schooling paid for from being a RA. The problem? My mom. Once she realized that I was serious about Bryce, she started going control freak meets matchmaker. She's tried everything from telling us we are not allowed to see each other to telling me I don't love him as much as I think because she "knows" that I still have feelings for my exboyfriends...? Basically we think she's crazy. And my dad is the silent type who never shares what he thinks especially when she bites his head off when he tries to say anything. It's come to the point where my BF is afraid to ask for my parents permission or blessing. We don't want to hear no from them, but we also know that we won't set aside what we want for my mom's pettiness. There really isn't any reason for her not to like my BF. He's been faithful, he's a good guy with wonderful morals, we have even practiced abstinence. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding things from her all the time, and wish she was as happy for me as I am. Does anyone know how I could best handle this delicate situation? Thanks!

VitaLuna · October 2009

So, a few questions for you: 1) You say you're going to pay for school by being an RA. Are you going to be married, and be an RA? Because that seems really weird to me, sorry. 2) Have you ever asked your parents WHY they have an issue with him? That might be a good place to start. 3) You say "he's actually more into it than I am at times". If you're not 110% "into it", then why worry about what your parents think right now? Why not just wait? I'm guessing at least some of these 4 dating years were in HS... and a lot changes between HS and college. I'm not saying that you will grow apart, but you will change, so there's no reason to rush. (and I say this from experience).And lastly, your parents don't get to decide what you do. In the end, your decision is your own, with their blessing or not (even though you might want it).

magsugar13 · October 2009

more questions...1. how old?2. who is paying the other 1/2 of college for you?3. how are you going to be an RA and married?4. why cant you just wait until you graduate before you get married. If you are so in love you can wait another year. oh, i forgot the sex part, makes more sense now.5. why do you need her permission?6. what is she is right?

arixana · October 2009

I say get a "promise ring" and have a commitment party with your friends. Wait a few more years to make it legal. When I was in undergrad I was convinced I was going to marry my BF. So glad I didn't- it would have been a disaster. (He's long gone, that was 15 years ago) Your guy sounds really nice, and I'm glad for you to have found someone sincere. But is there any pressure to get married on his end? Could his hormones be driving some of his enthusiasm? Sorry to have to ask, it's just, well you know....Enjoy your time with him. Asking him to wait will be a good test to see what his motivations are.

callalilly323 · October 2009

Wtf is a promise ring? If you're going to spend the rest of your life with the guy, you can wait a few years until you're out of college and settled down. Your mom might know better (and know YOU better) than you think. When you graduate college and your parents start seeing you as an adult, if you're still with the guy then they will most likely be more accepting. Bottom line: DON'T RUSH YOUR LIFE.

Amberjg · October 2009

Ok personally it kinda bugs me when a person asks about one thing (^ like her mother) but gets grilled about all the other details of her life... honestly i think we should give her a break... she may be young but this is the very reason why so many people dont post as much..... they ask a simple question sincerely but instead of getting the help they ask for most of us decide to pick at her life. Examples- 1. you're so young...why not wait a couple years ... she's a sophomore in college which to me is a normal age to start finding your partner in life... plus i cant stand when people compare age for anything... personally we dont know her or her maturity so i dont think its fair to put some one down because of their age. Also who the hell are we to tell some one to wait a few more years? Lol 2. i also can't stand when people point the abstinence finger saying that because they've never had sex then thats why theyre getting married now because they cant handle it anymore... ok people that practice this while in a long term relationship have some real determination... so i'm sure that if they can wait 4 years without having sex then they could wait 5 more if they wanted/needed to.. 3. Mothers are not always right plain and simple... they do want whats best for us but they might not know what that is for you. Ok i'll get off my soapbox for now.. Lol To answer your question, Moms that don't support your relationship can be very hard to deal with and can even be hard on your relationship. I agree with PP that you should ask why she is so against your BF and talk with her about it. What it sounds like to me is that she is getting nervous about you being so serious about marriage. And she has a good reason to, with the divorce rate what it is i think you should definately talk about it alot with your BF and make sure its what you want to do... And in the end no matter what your family says, your friends say or the knotties say, do what makes you both happy and good luck!

zitiqueen · October 2009

Ok personally it kinda bugs me when a person asks about one thing (^ like her mother) but gets grilled about all the other details of her life...That's a chance one takes when one decides to air their laundry on a public message board.

noelle24 · October 2009

..they ask a simple question sincerely but instead of getting the help they ask for most of us decide to pick at her life. Why am I not suprised that this is coming from the girl who has her wedding all planned out before her BF proposes? Tell me, does your BF know about this rustic fall wedding and barn reception you have planned?Yeah, she doesn't have to listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Look at it this way, though, at least people are ASKING for details now instead of just assuming. But there is NO HARM in waiting a few years until you are out of undergrad. Being a married college student is HARD, and when this advice comes from engaged/married people and from people who've actually completed college, it's not entirely without merit. Also, while mothers aren't always right, they are older and more experienced, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask someone "Hey, have you actually listened to your mother's concerns instead of getting defensive? Could they be valid?" Think about that, and THEN make your decision. If you are mature enough to ger married, then you don't *need* her permission or blessing. It'd be nice and a lot easier, but you don't need it.Honestly, if my 20 year old (or so) daughter came to me and told me that she wanted to get married before she was out of college, I'd have serious reservations about it. How exactly are they planning on supporting themselves? Because as a mother, after they were married, it sure as hell wouldn't be me that pays the bills.

jeanacorina · October 2009

I think your mom is right. She may not be tactful about it, but I think that what she is trying to tell you is important.You should not get married right now. I'm not saying you should not get married to this guy, but now is not the best time.Getting married changes a lot of a college student. I should know, I'm a college student. It affects what scholarships/loans you qualify for, it affects your dependency status, and it affects what health insurance you can or can't use.You need to do some research on how being married will affect your education and medical situations. I think you might find that waiting will be much easier. There's no reason to put unnecessary strain on your new marriage because suddenly neither of you qualify for the financial assistance you once did, and you have to figure out how to pay for school and health insurance or drop out and work retail for several years until you get things straightened out (been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it).Just because you love someone and they are right for you does not mean you should get married immediately. What's the rush? My FI and I don't have sex... and really after 5 years it's not much of a temptation anymore, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on that. However, marriage isn't the beginning of your relationship. Especially not after being together for so long. It's exciting and happy and something that I can't imagine not doing... but you're already together NOW. You're happy, you have a good relationship. Why rush and risk rocking the boat?Getting married when at least one of you is out of college would be a much better idea. I wanted to get married for... let's see... the last 3 years at LEAST. But FI waited until he graduated, found a good, stable job, we have a nice 2-bedroom apartment that we plan to stay in until we have a baby in a couple of years, two wonderful cats, he has health insurance that I'll qualify for, and we can afford to pay for the rest of my education should I cease to qualify for student loans.See how that works? Planning. Patience. Still not having sex. Not a big deal. Your mom is right. Even if she's getting too freaked out to communicate with you rationally. She's just afraid that you'll make a mistake and have things much harder than you need to. Moms are like that. Mine was.... you know, until we were ready for this. Now she's fantastic and can't get enough of wedding talk.

Acrosthec · October 2009

Just wanted to say I agree with everything posted by Noelle and Jeana.Also, don't hide things from you mom. You obviously don't like it (you said so yourself), and there's no need to. I would sit down and talk to her about why she wants you to wait. The controlling part may cease if you both start communicating about what the issue really is. Like the others said, there are some *serious* benefits to waiting until after you've graduated and gotten a good stable job (or at least one of you has done this) before getting married.In the end though, my advice for handing the situation would be to communicate with your mom. It seems your BF is a good guy, from what you've told us, so there must be some other reason she's acting the way she is. Find out what it is, and see if you can make her feel better about it.And Amber, Vita and Mags were not necessarily asking questions to poke fun or give the OP a hard time. Most, (if not all) of the questions they asked were extremely relevant. If the OP wants advice from strangers on a public board, she needs to provide us with information that will help us make informed decisions and give better advice. She will only know what information we need if we ask her questions she can answer. Not everyone here is out to get the younger girls, especially ones that don't seem entirely BSC but are actually looking for real help.

Acrosthec · October 2009

I take back my last statement, and would like to ask the OP a(nother) new question:What happened between 11:27 and 11:40 last night that made your fiancee (it's fiance by the way, since he's male) turn back into your boyfriend?Why am I always the one that's bored enough to go read previous posts? I think it says a lot about how ultimately unhappy I am with my job.

jeanacorina · October 2009

Acro, I think you should just put "I agree with everything Jeana just said" in your signature. Because, you know, being long-lost internet twins... I usually just post what you want to say right before you get the chance. So, you can just post and be like "See signature for response."*thumbs up*Come to think of it, everybody should put "I agree with everything Jeana just said" in their signatures. It would be like having my own forum posse, and how fun would THAT be?We'll all use phrases like "Dude, that's messed up" and "Okay, I totally have a story like this" and even "Buy yourself a $3 bottle of wine. Drink it all and call me in the morning."We'll make references to chicken cakes and mojitos and all the newbies won't know WTF is going on. It'll be awesome.

Acrosthec · October 2009

Agreed. Please see new sig.

jeanacorina · October 2009

Lol, that's fantastic!

notquiteblushing · October 2009

I think if you want your mom to support your (IMHO crazy) 20 years old and still in school marriage then you have to prove to her that you are ready. Start by telling her to mind her own business about your relationship.

jeanacorina · October 2009

NQB also has a point. Personally, I'd be nice about it... but that's probably because I think your mom is only acting crazy because you haven't thought things through completely and this has the potential to mess things up more than make things better.Still, your love life isn't any of her business if you consider yourself an adult.

GroomzMcFinehiney · October 2009

It sounds like you don't really care what your parents think, and intend to do what you want, so why bother asking for their blessing if it really doesn't mean anything to you. You should elope tomorrow and get pregnant as quickly as possible to prove that you're old enough to do so.

ericswifey · October 2009

Groomz, that was unnecessary. She obviously does care about her mother's opinion since she is asking for advice on how to handle the situation.Jeana, I love $3 wine.Emarie, I am *almost in your same position. (BF and I are both in college, waiting to graduate, abstinent, etc and my mother is all having a mid life crisis and can't seem to understand at all why I would want to get married and start having babies. end rant.). Other posters have already said, you are an adult and you can make your own decisions. I've had to remind my mother repeatedly that I am not her, and my goals in life are different from hers. All I can say is, patience, patience, and more patience. It is a virtue, and you will need it when dealing with disapproving mothers. And.. communication. It's important. Talk to your mom. That is all. Good luck.

magsugar13 · October 2009

Ok personally it kinda bugs me when a person asks about one thing (^ like her mother) but gets grilled about all the other details of her life... honestly i think we should give her a break... she may be young but this is the very reason why so many people dont post as much..... they ask a simple question sincerely but instead of getting the help they ask for most of us decide to pick at her life.Well, maybe some of US would like to know all the circumstances before we just give her a big RAH RAH RAH! She wasn't grilled simple questions were asked that are important to the responses people give! We shuold not ask her any questions because she is young? we scare people off because we don't just smile and nod and say you arer right honey? Please, if you want to do that go right ahead, but when someone comes to asks for advice people need to know the details. Personally it kinda bugs me when people tell others how they should respond!

magsugar13 · October 2009

grooms stick out your hand so erics can slap you on it!

ndzenowski · October 2009

That's a chance one takes when one decides to air their laundry on a public message board.This is such a bullshit catch all answer. She asked a specific question, therefore she deserves a specific answer. Anyway it's essentially your decision. She's your mother.. she (more than likely) won't be angry at you forever if you marry your boyfriend of 4 years. She will accept. If this is what you want to do, than do it.

callalilly323 · October 2009

Random thought -- You've been dating this guy for 4 years (since you were 16) but your mother brings up ex boyfriends from prior to that?? How long has she been trying to break your current relationship up? This whole situation is bizarre...

jeanacorina · October 2009

What happened between 11:27 and 11:40 last night that made your fiancee (it's fiance by the way, since he's male) turn back into your boyfriend?After looking at your bio and noting all the wedding-planning posts you've made over the last month, I have to second this question. Are you just calling him your fiance because you want to plan a wedding and know you'd never get advice from anybody if they knew you weren't engaged?I'm all about giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I really think you've got some maturing to do before you start saying you want to be married in less than a year.How are you going to pay for this rooftop old-hollywood-glam peacock-inspired wedding with a restaurant reception, anyway? You're a full-time student. I doubt your parents will pay for a wedding they don't agree with. I wouldn't expect them to.

EMarie777 · October 2009

Okay...Just to clarify. 1) Bryce and I have dated on and off for the past 4.5 years, but I didn't want to say that and have people get caught on the fact that we haven't been together all 4 years. Anyways it was my decision to break it off before, but I know that he is who I want to spend my life with. My mom has actually been a reason we've broken up in the past. But that's why I've said ex boyfriends, which are people that I've casually dated in between being with Bryce. 2) I'm actually in my junior year of college. I have my associates, and I transferred to a new school. I'm here for 3 more years though, which I wasn't planning on because of my major so we were planning on getting sooner than that anyways. 3) There is a married couple on campus that are RAs already, they have their own housing, and half of school is already paid for because of it. 4) Next year my parents are making me pay for the rest of my college so that is one reason why I will be an RA. Every time I've tried talking to her she gets very loud and gets her point across by yelling. I can never get a word in edgewise and it's always a different reason why she thinks we should break up. I do get the point of missing out on health care and such, but Bryce already has been living without it. It is something that we do need to look into. Thanks to those who offered the real advice! lol I appreciate it

EMarie777 · October 2009

Oh and I am 120% into this! Bryce is just an unnatural breed of man who wants to plan everything like I do lol

letyourselfgo · October 2009

I believe that your Mom isn't intending to rain on your parade for the simple purpose of pissing you off, and chances are that red flags are going up to her regarding your plans for justifiable reasons. Have you tried asking her to explain her issues in a calm and rational matter, rather than simply avoiding the issue because you are anticipating a OTT screaming reaction from her? OTOH, you're an adult. It would be nice to receive your parents' blessing. However, if you honestly feel that your way is what is best for you and your FI/BF then go your own way. You're not a child anymore. Mommy and Daddy don't have to approve your every step. That's what you're supposed to do.

notquiteblushing · October 2009

I can sympathize over the yelling mom situation. My mom is a yeller. Stubborn as hell and with a short temper and a long memory. But my previous advice still stands. Listen to her or not but in the end it's your life.

chicka_bonita9 · October 2009

I COMPLETELY agree with Jeana & Noelle. I am a SENIOR in college & I've been with BF for 3 years. My family wasn't so thrilled about me being in a serious relationship in college b/c they wanted me to experience my independence fully & have fun. Gradually though they started to get with the idea & now they absolutely love my BF. The point is that even getting your folks to like ur BF is a process that requires time & patience. BF & I are now thinking about marriage but we've made sure to discuss all our options & future plans. We have decided that it's best to wait at least 2 years after I graduate to get married b/c we figured that by then we'll have money saved, an apartment, a good job--all the essentials. I was an RA last year & it is so difficult keeping a relationship when you have so many responsibilities. Not to mention that you'll be busy with school work as well. It can get very overwhelming. I'm not saying it's impossible but it's really hard trying to multi-task everything (even harder if you're involved in an extra-curricular activity already). It's nice to get ur Room & Board paid but the hard work it takes to get you there & the strain it may put on your relationship are reasons to really think about it. Personally & seriously this comes from one young person to another, I am definitely so much more comfortable with the idea of getting engaged & married knowing that it will not happen right now or next year. It's such a huge load off my shoulders to know that this HUGE step in my life will come after I become financially stable & after we get our own place. My mom WAS also a yeller but since i've treated this matter in such a mature & responsible way she is completely comfortable with our plans. I sat down with her & without getting upset I asked her to please reserve her comments until I was finished speaking. I told her how we felt & our plans in detail & she's completely comfortable with our plans now. Point is don't rush things. I am completely in love with my BF & I know he's the one & I know I wanna have a family with him someday but I have my priorities in check. Something about knowing that we won't be homeless, sick & poor after we get married is extremely comforting.

VitaLuna · October 2009

Oh goodness. I was feeling nice before you made some comments, such as your proclamation that you don't need health insurance and that bf has been doing fine without it. That shows a major lack of maturity and social responsibility. To have insurance and give it up so you can get married? Stupid. Plain and simple. And yes, I realize a lot of people don't have insurance, but it's typically not their choice (don't have a job, can't afford it, etc)... not because they gave it up voluntarily. I'm a nurse, I can't tell you how stupid I think you're being.*steps off the soapbox*And yes, you're right that if you had said in the beginning that you were in an on again off again relationship, people would've been judgmental. If I was your mother, I wouldn't be supportive either, both because you've been off and on (which makes it seem you have questionable love/commitment to eachother, even if that's not the case), and because you're in school. I got engaged in college (we're having a long engagement)... my mom would've thrown a sh*t fit if we had decided to get married in college, and I would do the same if it was my child.

desertsun · October 2009

You're going to do what you want in terms of when you get married, regardless of the convincing arguments of PPs. I hope it works out well for you. I know several couples that were together in high school and got married under the age of 23. At least 2 of those marriages have hit seriously rough patches in the last year. BUT, I also know 2 couples that are still happily married. I'm a big believer that if you want it bad enough, you can make just about anything happen. I hope you and bf/fi have the determination, strength, and commitment your marriage will require!Regarding your mom -- I'd advise sitting down and hearing what she has to say. Go home, talk with the bf/fiance, SERIOUSLY consider her points. Then you AND BF/FI sit her down for another convo and address her points. Stay cool, calm, and logical. Have solid examples/reasons for what you say that indicate you guys have put some careful thought into your future. Here's where some of the PPs suggestions might help.If she still hasn't come around, I'm sorry to say she probably won't approve. But I'm sure she will still love you and be there for you when you need her. Sounds like she just wants the best for you. I think it's understandable that if you've broken up/gotten back together more than once that she would worry. So, you may not get her blessing or her full support, but I doubt she'll love you any less! And as years go by, she's bound to come around eventually. Especially if there are grandbabies.Please keep us updated!

oceana919 · October 2009

I do get the point of missing out on health care and such, but Bryce already has been living without it. It is something that we do need to look into. Boy, oh boy, I cannot tell you bad of an idea that is. So many younger (20s) folks think that they can skate by without health insurance because they're healthy. That's what I said until I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 25, and accumulated over $30,000 in medical bills in less than two years, about 98% of which has been covered by health insurance that I got through work that I didn't think I needed, but my boss convinced me to get (thank god she did!). That's what BF's been saying for the last three years, and now he needs knee surgery that he can't afford without insurance.If you can afford it, you should definitely have health insurance. Things happen - car accidents, falling down the stairs, bronchitus, mono, etc. A simple physical can run you $200-400 without insurance. That, and every young woman needs to get a yearly physical (pap, pelvic exam, etc.), especially if you're sexually active. Those can run you a pretty penny if you're not insured...many insurance companies will wipe your yearly physical completely (saves them from paying the costs of cervical cancer or a late-stage STD). How are you going to afford a wedding if you have to pay off a $1000 medical bill because you slipped on some ice and broke your arm? Not trying to judge, just trying to save you some of the hell I've seen uninsured friends go through...

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