Potential bridesmaid issue

LuckyLibbyB · October 2009

Ok, Im totally the person that the description for this board is describing. My bf and I are planning our wedding, got a date, know how we want everything, literally just the proposal has to take place and meet with the vendors we want to meet with and we are good to go. However, one of my best friends who I was going to ask to be a bridesmaid, thinks it is very weird that we are not engaged and we are planning our wedding. My bf says that a proposal could happen anyday. We are both very excited but I am kind of hurt that she is, in a way, raining on my parade. How could I go about dealing with this issue. I love bluntness, so please have at 'er! lol

prettynpink81 · October 2009

Alot of people beleive that your not engaged until the ring, they won't take you seriously,etc if you don't have the ring. People don't see what goes on in your home life and so they don't get how serious and how real this wedding planning is...So just brush it off your shoulder..If your going to be engaged very soon anyway things will clear up ASAP. So I wouldn't worry. Then when you do get offically engaged..It's on. no problems no worries..and if she still doesn't want to be a bridesmaid then tell her bye bye...You don't want a debbie downer from the get go...Wedding planning is suppose to be fun and it only happens once..So I wouldn't worry. Just go with the flow.

noelle24 · October 2009

it is very weird that we are not engaged and we are planning our weddingPerhaps she thinks it's very weird, because IT IS very werid to have so much planned before you consider yourselves "engaged". I've never understood this. If you feel the need start planning so much already, why don't you just get engaged? What is the point of planning when you aren't "engaged"? Is it just so you can have the "perfect proposal"? Because that just seems silly to me.

jeanacorina · October 2009

So help me if anyone says "Congrats! You're engaged!" I'm gonna explode. :POn to the response:I'm with Noelle. Your friend probably finds it weird because it is. Usually, you start planning a wedding when you are engaged. (which apparently you do not believe is the case)Also, don't worry about your wedding party until much much closer to your wedding. Like, 6 months before. The earlier you start talking about wedding party the more drama there will be about it.Just chill out and wait for the proposal if that's what you need to consider yourself engaged. Planning a wedding and saying "Well, we're not engaged yet" is weird, funky, and confusing.

Malakia02 · October 2009

In your friend's defense, if I knew someone that was so far ahead in planning before a proposal I would think she was nuts too. If you and your BF want to start all of the planning go right ahead, but be cognizant that you are going out of order and your friends/family may not be willing to jump on the bandwagon just yet until there is an actual proposal.

tiiiffffff · October 2009

I wouldn't worry what your friend thinks. She will probably forget that you planned the whole thing once you're engaged anyways.Have you actually started planning or do you just talk a lot about what and how you want your wedding to be? Because I think there is a difference. My BF and I have ideas all the time, know we want a summer wedding and have looked at a couple venues because most places around Seattle book early. However, we haven't really told anybody for that reason.. people think it's weird to plan your wedding before you're engaged.You have plenty of time. Enjoy the excitement of now.

desertsun · October 2009

First of all, people you care about can't always have the same opinions as you. Get over it. Don't let someone else's opinion dictate your happiness. That said, I think you'd find her opinion easier to bear if you felt like she might disagree with you, but she still cares about you and respects your decision to do things your way. It's a good rule of thumb in all relationships to not assume people know what you need from them; you have to tell them. Let her know it's okay if she disagrees, but she needs to respect your decision and support you.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside · October 2009

Honestly, having the entire wedding planned out before getting engaged is a bit strange. FI and I booked our wedding chapel before the official proposal (but after he bought the ring) because we knew how far in advance it booked up. But thats it. And we didn't tell anyone else we did it because we knew it was an out of order way to do things. And for the record, he was waiting to propose so he could talk to my dad.

KD+BC · October 2009

Here's my question: what does "planning" mean?If it means that you're looking into a good venue and prices, I don't see any problem with that! Especially if you're planning on a short engagement. The internet is a great tool for getting a general idea of how much everything will cost and some sites even give you availability (yes I've looked into some places as well). I don't think it's crazy, I think it's smart. If planning means that you have it all mapped out and once you have the ring it's all finished, then wow. As for your friend, if she is truly your friend, don't kick her out of the wedding party simply because she doesn't agree with you 100%. In my experience, not including someone causes more drama than just putting them in (I have a friend who did this with another friend and it ended their friendship).Good luck on your upcoming engagement and planning!

magsugar13 · October 2009

I'll never understand it either and i am with your friend 100%.You yourself say you arent engaged, so why do you think her opinion is so way oof?You have planned a whole wedding and you arent engaged, that is bizarre!@Another thing i just dont get....why not just get engaged? If you have everything already done, you do not need a ring to be engaged, just a proposal.

swim1011 · October 2009

If you're planning a wedding, you're engaged- ring or no. Telling your friend you're planning a wedding, but not engaged, that's a bit weird. I'd be giving any of my friends the side eye if they told me that, too. a PP does have a point, though. Does planning mean looking up ideas and prices? I did that months before FI proposed (although, we did have the ring for 6 months beforehand!). On the other hand, having everything planned out before you're actually engaged, that's something altogether different.I would lay off talking about planning the wedding until after your BF has proposed. Also, truthfully, you're aiming for 2011- I guarantee what you love now is not going to be what you want for your wedding then. Take it from a bride with a 22 month long engagement.

traciecook · October 2009

For planning I think researching wedding stuff isn't that strange, but contacting vendors and putting deposits down is strange.Why don't you just stop talking to your friend about wedding stuff until he pops the question? Then she can't really give her opinion.

Acrosthec · October 2009

I don't really see this as a potential BM issue. I think your friend is probably just concerned that you're going to get hurt because you're putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. Perhaps she doesn't understand how serious the planning is going and that you and BF are *both* on board and just waiting for a proposal for whatever reason. She is probably just concerned for your well-being, and will happily celebrate with you once the proposal happens. In her mind, your parade hasn't really started yet, so she probably doesn't even realize that she's raining on it and hurting your feelings. I wouldn't worry about it too much, and would do as pp suggested and just hold off discussing any further plans with her until the proposal occurs.

arixana · October 2009

Aww shucks. I guess that means I'm weird too. Personally, I think that if both you and your BF are on board with pre-planning, as I call it, then enjoy it and don't let anyone rain on your parade! My BF and I are not *officially* engaged either. We have the ring, it's sized, it's just not on my finger yet. That's because I really feel strongly that he should ask my dad, which will happen at Christmas when we go see them. Just this weekend we were surfing the net to look at wedding planners. No deposits or anything, but just talking about how we want things to happen. So, weird or not, if it is right for you, then go for it. Personally if he says it will happen anyday then I think you are pretty safe. Only you know your relationship and whether you should worry that you are putting the cart before the horse. Please don't let anyone get you down. If you are like me, you pre-plan in other aspects of your life, over-research the heck outta stuff, and analyze. If it's in your personality, well then embrace it. BTW when are you planning on the wedding? We're thinking January 2011.

shellybeth · October 2009

That is sort of like me going out and buying tons of baby items before even getting pregnant.. it is just crazy in a way!Maybe you could still secretly plan things, but I woudn't tell people about your wedding until you are actually engaged, IMO.

jeanacorina · October 2009

Maybe I misunderstood. If you haven't put any deposits down and still are in the "We have some favorites, but still need to meet with the vendors to decide" boat, then you're probably not crazy.However, other people will see it as strange. I did some pre-planning because I knew we'd have a small budget. I looked around to get ideas of what would fit. After meeting with some vendors, I realize that all that pre-planning was not all that helpful anyway. Everything changes when you're ready to actually spend money.Just don't go around telling people you're planning your wedding. That says to people "ENGAGED." If you want to gather ideas, fine. But don't pick your bridal party, and don't try to include anybody other than your BF in the ideas. It sends mixed signals and causes confusion, as you've just learned.

**Mutley** · October 2009

Get over it. You want her to be all squee-happy for you when you are the one waiting for the ring proposal. You don't get to have it both ways. As someone who got engaged without a ring, it is up to you and your guy to decide when you are engaged. You cannot expect your friend to be jumping up and down for joy when the part you want her to be excited about has not happened yet. Nobody else really cares about the excitement you are having pre-engagement. In all likelihood, she will be excited and ready to be part of your 'parade' when you announce that you ARE engaged. Also, if she is truly one of your best friends, I would ask her what exactly is her problem. You two should be able to be honest with each other. Maybe she sees some red flags and is concerned for you.

desireedp · October 2009

I'm in the same boat. Bf and I already have a date set and a venue picked out. He just purchased the ring and already has his parents blessing, he's planning on visiting my parents (who are well aware it's coming) to ask for their official blessing this weekend. We're going out of order as well, but it works for us so we have no problem with it. My parents are already helping me plan and advising me of my budget so they have no problem with it either. Best of luck to both of you

ffmaid · October 2009

I think you are engaged. If both of you are planning a wedding congrats you are engaged!! You have both decided to get married that is what engagement is. Silly proposal story and fancy rings do not matter as much as the mutual choice to get married. Congrats to you and your fiance!

Chunkobutt · October 2009

This isn't a future bridesmaid problem. Once you have the tangible evidence that you are engaged, she will get over it.This would scream crazy if OP's BF was completely clueless to her planning and hadn't even made any inclination he was interested in marriage. THEN I would agree with the best friend.I'm feeling like a verbal agreement that you are going to get married should be enough to start planning a wedding with your S/O. The proposal, future hubby on bended knee, and e-ring are tradition, but isn't exactly necessary. Hey, the ring could be in the mail right? 5-7 business days??

my2geldings · October 2009

I'm going to repeat myself on this one, but a ring does not mean anything. Your feelings are the important thing, not the object that symbolizes it. I'm originally from Europe and am VERY blunt. You should sit her down and tell her how you feel. Let her know it bothers you and explain things to her as they are. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I'm assuming she must be single and finds making shallow comments without thinking first is the way to go.I would sit her down and tell her as it is. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Tell her this with a smile, and walk away

salt78 · October 2009

[i]That is sort of like me going out and buying tons of baby items before even getting pregnant.. it is just crazy in a way! [/i] Shelly said it perfectly. Besides, it sounds like there is really no parade to be rained on yet. Just discuss things with her when you get engaged. (Although I would suggest not even asking your bridal party until like 8 months out anyway. Go read the Wedding Party board for good examples of why.)

katanne9 · October 2009

Who cares what she thinks! If you and your BF are theoretically engaged and don't mind starting, you should do what's right for you. Although I do agree to plan so much for a wedding that's so far away might be a little pre=emptive.Just let your friend know your thoughts. Is she in/or been in a serious relationship? If she hasn't, she might not be able to comprehend the situation you are in. Unless you're ACTUALLY in the place we're all in, it's not so easy for some to understand.

duckie1905 · October 2009

I don't care so much that you don't have a ring and are planning. What irks me is that you don't consider yourself engaged yet you are planning.If you are planning your wedding (seriously planning it, not just thumbing through magazines and sites for ideas) then you are engaged, ring or not.Maybe your friend would be more excited if you actually referred to yourself as engaged instead of planning a wedding and expecting a proposal.

TiaM32 · October 2009

...I'm assuming she must be single and finds making shallow comments without thinking first is the way to go.my2geldings, I hope I am misinterpreting your comment. Do you mean that the OP's friend must be single because she is making "shallow comments?" I don't find OP's friend to be making shallow comments nor would I assume she is single. I, along with many of the PPs, would be giving the OP the side-eye for sure (along with some comments because I have a big mouth).OP, I think you should cut your best friend some slack. I have no idea how old you are, how long you have been dating your bf, or your situation, but consider that your friend may be looking out for you and is just concerned. If I was your friend, I would have said the exact same things to you. Also, if you aren't engaged (as you said yourself), there is no parade to be raining upon.

noelle24 · October 2009

...I'm assuming she must be single and finds making shallow comments without thinking first is the way to go.I was also a little taken aback from this comment. I happen to agree with the friend that planning so much of your wedding beforehand is weird..... And I'm happily engaged. I'm assuming that, like another PP, geldings was assuming that the friend doesn't understand because she's never been in this situation before. But even if the friend IS single, that doesn't mean her opinion is less valid.

TiaM32 · October 2009

Thanks, noelle. I'm glad I'm not alone in that one. I'm engaged too, but having a ring doesn't mean I wouldn't make the exact same comment that I would have made without one - which would be WTF? Well, I'd be nicer about it, but that's what I'd be thinking (along with, "Is my friend BSC?"). No offense, OP...you did ask for bluntness.

ffmaid · October 2009

Well there are two options Option 1: You are planning way way prematurely and thus you are acting very weird planning your wedding so far in advance Option 2 : You are actually engaged and acting wierd in that despite being engaged and planning a wedding you are claiming you are not and that is wierd. Either way your friend is right this is wierd wierd behavior and out of line. Your sane options 1. Admit you are engaged but want some silly proposal story 2. stop planning and discussing your planning until the way more important choice to get married is made your wierd slightly insane option 1. Continue to plan and organize a wedding to a man you are not engaged to and tell your friends that they are the wierd ones for thinking that wedding planning should only be done after you have figured out if you are actually getting married She is behaving in a normal sane manner. You??? Well.....

jeanacorina · October 2009

I think you are engaged. .... congrats you are engaged!! .... Congrats to you and your fiance!ffmaid, so help me..... I pretty much want to slap you around with a fish right now.She says she's not engaged. You plan a wedding when you are engaged. Hence, she should not be planning a wedding. Not "she is engaged."Don't do any more "planning" other than flipping through a magazine while checking out at the grocery store and bookmarking some ideas from web pages. That's about as far as you should be going if you do not consider yourself engaged.No ring needed, just a mutual agreement to get married.

noelle24 · October 2009

Jeana: I understand your frustration, but I also understand the logic behind ffmaid's post. It serves to illustrate a point. What do you do when you *are* engaged? You plan a wedding. If mutually selecting and booking vendors doesn't equal a mutual consent to marry (i.e., engagement), I don't know what does. At this point, OP has more of her wedding planned that I do of mine, and I am actually engaged. So OP is weird because they are either: 1) essentially engaged and planning a wedding but not acknowledging that they are engaged because she wants a good proposal story or 2) they are planning a wedding without being engaged.

ffmaid · October 2009

i'm now laughing at the idea of being slapped by a fish.

Potential bridesmaid issue

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