re: the first year of marriage

CaliopeSpidrman · October 2009

Mo, how long after you guys got married did you end up separating?

MadameS · October 2009

I confronted him on the affair (which I knew about for 2 months prior, who knows how long it really went on) one week before our 1st. anniversary. I moved out about a month later. Which was October '07. Then I told him I refused to file or deal with the divorce until after the holidays. I was selfish and didn't want to go to lawyer appointments while also trying to endure the holidays with my family. He filed in January of '08, and it was finalized in June of '08.

PDXPhotoGrl · October 2009

Our first year was a breeze, our second year turned in to a clusterfuck about 6 months in but got better after I graduated and he found a new job. 1 month in to the 3rd year and everything is good.

MadameS · October 2009

ha. when I talked to exSIL last night, I divulged all that info of what went down. She hadn't herd one lick of affair talk at allll. She said the story was that I left because I was "crazy". Yes, that makes perfect sense. Buy a home together, then move out to start from scratch, iwth hardly any of my stuff I brought into the marriage, and wait over a year to see any of my own money that I put into the house.

TSD · October 2009

Our first year wasn't hard, but living together from engagment to wedding totally WAS. We ironed out a lot of stuff in that 10 months. He really didn't know if he could live with my mess- he was scared I would make our house like my parents (hoarders- Oprah-style). I think more so than living together, it was being older and MH already having been in a bad marriage and knowing the difference. Had I married (my ex) like I planned in my mid-20's, I would also be divorced. Obviously this doesn't happen to everyone, but I think for us, being older definitely helped.

the_mulva · October 2009

we lived together before marriage, but not for long. 1st year was easy. and the time since then has been easy. And since we've had a kid, it's been even better. My H is a better person than me, however. so, that helps.

MamaKin · October 2009

D and i just moved in together this past may. i noticed a sharp increase in the number of times i've wanted to kill him in the past 5 months. it's all good though, it's waning now.

KristenBtobe · October 2009

I really think examining your parenting styles before getting pregnant is so important. Mike and I knew we had complimentary parenting styles. So many of the girls on my local seem shocked at how little their husbands do to help with the baby or around the house.

FallinAgain · October 2009

I really think examining your parenting styles before getting pregnant is so important. This is what I've meant when I've been repeatedly told that you just can't know nuthin' till you have the kid in hand.

the_mulva · October 2009

So many of the girls on my local seem shocked at how little their husbands do to help with the baby or around the house. this (in addition to having a kid that doesn't sleep well or is sick a lot) is why I can see parenting being hard at first. we got lucky on the good sleeper/healthy thing, but H really does A LOT when it comes to the kid. It helps that we both work, so there is really no excuse for him not to do just as much as I do.

modb1rd · October 2009

we already know our parenting styles would be really different, which is part of the reason I am anti-kid.

EvilleLady · October 2009

I got married because I was pregnant with twins. We are now divorced, surprise, surprise.

FallinAgain · October 2009

Thanks so randomly sharing something that had little to do with the topic(s), eville.

EvilleLady · October 2009

Marriage, divorce and kids I thought that was the topic...my bad.

KristenBtobe · October 2009

There are things you don't know for sure until you have a child, and things you change based on the child's needs and temprament. But I think there's a breadcrumb trail you can follow about your spouse if you wonder about this stuff. How you split the household duties (or don't), for one thing. Shoot, if you have pets and they don't help with their daily care and feeding. Maybe these are too broad of generalizations, but Mike and I have always split the load around the house and in our relationship and I knew he would do the same as a dad.

pdxmouse · October 2009

We lived together 3 years before getting married. Neither of us are easy-going personalities, so it was probably as up and down as it's always been. We're like that- when it's rough we hold grudges and blame each other, when it's great it doesn't matter what's going on we're fantastic. Over the years we've been managing to lengthen the good periods and ride out the bad more quickly, so yeah. The challenges were a little different because we were used to having wedding stuff to focus on, so there was kind of a vacuum. I'd been having some health issues that were effecting my energy in a big way (started before the wedding but really became noticeable in the vacuum). We'd also bought our house that spring and were adjusting to being homeowners. I think we're still adjusting to that. Since we've been parenting together since Bug was 2, I'm hoping that the first year of parenting Dimitri doesn't suck quite so hard. Maybe that I really admire his parenting skills will help.

dothenoodle · October 2009

Our first year was a little like Capt Serious' - realizing it was forever and trying to get used to that. And not that forever was a bad thing, it was just a huge thing you look forward to, and then wow! It is even bigger than you thought. We also had DH's son and ex wife to deal with (not a lovely person at all), so there were some outside stressors at work. We had both been married before, so we work really hard at communicating and working through issues together. To me a marriage is a living thing. If you don't take care of it, it will die. And that looks really cheesy when it is typed out. :-)

_Fenton · October 2009

Living together was a huge adjustment, and I'd say it was hard. I did, and still do sometimes, have a difficult time with the fact that I don't have a room and a space that is MINE. I shared a room with my sister when I was younger but since then had always had my own room and considered it a sacred space. I used to get mad at my mom for coming in to get my trash when I wasn't home because it was a violation in my mind for her to open my closed door when I was gone. So sharing a room, a dresser, a closet....that was all weird. I can't just go into my room and lock it and turn on the radio or TV and shut everyone out. It's someone else's room, too, now, and he has to be able to get into it whenever he wants. Cleaning habits were also a big deal at first, but now we've adjusted -- meaning neither of us have time to clean and we're equally disgusted with ourselves for it. Money was an issue at first but I kind of brainwashed him into being a saver, now he's a bigger tightwad than me. So we really don't argue about money anymore.Marriage didn't really change anything for me. It's just a legal thing on paper. My decision to become hitched to him for life is a separate thing for me than the concept of us being married.

TSD · October 2009

I totally agree on the parenting thing. It was an adjustment of course, but I knew B would be totally into helping. My friends with babies the same age as E have a totally different situation with their husbands. One has a husband who is "afraid" of doing anything for the baby because the baby is "fragile". The other just works so much that he feels like anything with the baby or house is her responsibility. Luckily for me, our store is within walking distance of home so B is home like 10 min after we close and he does all the bedtime routine- bath, dress, feed, bed. We're both just more tired and definitely don't go out nearly as much. But the first year of marriage we got a cleaning service once a week and that made things MUCH smoother. That is the one luxury that we find essential to a happy marriage.

mrstarawalsh · October 2009

Our first year of marriage was easy peasy. We lived together for about 6 months beforehand, had our finances and how things would "work" ironed out well prior to our being married. The first year was one of our best. It was the second year that was hard, when "real life" stuff started happening. Thank God that second year is over and it's all good again!

jens_a_ten · October 2009

We didn't live together prior to marriage-- our adjustment to living together and our first year of marriage (we've been married almost 15 months) were really easy and enjoyable actually. Heith is the best roommate I've ever had as far as cleanliness and courtesy. I mean, it bugs him when I leave my toiletries on the counter, and it bugs me when he puts the dustpan on top of the clean towels. I have zero complaints though really. Marriage has been great for me.

BobLoblaw · October 2009

It was the second year that was hard, when "real life" stuff started happening.Awww, is that when his alzheimer's kicked in?

mrstarawalsh · October 2009

Bob, close but no cigar. That's when his father developed a form of that disease called Sun Downers (fun stuff, Sun Downers!). Then died.

buddhagouda · October 2009

Yeah, Bob, you were so close.

FallinAgain · October 2009

Yeah, Bob. Rich still has at least one or two good years left in him.

lindsayll · October 2009

Wait, I thought his dad was dying during your engagement, thus necessitating the Tahoe elopement, and subsequent desire for pretty princess vow renewal ceremony, complete with Stouffers lasagna? Or was that some other family member? How many effin tragedy cards are you going to throw down here, tara?

mrstarawalsh · October 2009

Seriously, Rich isn't that old. Good God. Yes, Lindsay, Rich's dad was very ill when we got married in Tahoe. He was sick for a while. Some people don't just get sick and die. Some people stay sick for years. When we got married in Tahoe it was still feasable for us to leave FIL with a careprovider through a service, and that's what we did because it was easiest on everyone. My FIL passed on September 06 aprox. 1 year 3 months into our marriage thus beginning our year of hell dealing with FIL's estate, me being pregnant, my husband's emotions after his only parent had passed on, etc. I'm sorry if you think I'm pulling the "tradgedy card". I'm not, I'm only stating why things were tough our second year.

re: the first year of marriage

Re: re: the first year of marriage

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