Wedding called off

maylane · October 2009

A friend of mine recently called off her wedding. This did not come as a complete surprise as there had been many problems between my friend and her FI. A day after I heard the news I found out one of the driving forces behind the cancellation was that the bride had secretly been dating someone else during the whole wedding planning process. This includes all night contact via text during her couples shower. I also found out that it was her secret BF that drove her to her hometown for her "bachelorette" and she had planned to bring him out for the night (that was the night everything ended up being called off). I don't know if this is relevant but I believe her FI does not know about this 2nd man. I'm really turned off by her decisions but I also recognize that its her decision to make so I don't think its a good idea for me to voice my opinion on the matter to her. At the same time I don't want her to think I support her behavior. She also has a child with her FI so my heart really breaks for him in this situation. I wonder if it is time for this friendship to come to an end because I just don't know if I can support her through this. Other things have happened in the past to make me seriously rethink our friendship and I feel like this is it. I haven't talked to her personally since this all went down as I have no idea what to say. WWYD?

MeaghanandMichael · October 2009

Well, since one of my best friends is currently dating a married man with children, I would be interested to hear responses. I know what I could say to you right now, but now that I am in a similar position, I jsut am at a loss and have been for a few weeks. So far I have been giving her the cold shoulder.

Brie2010 · October 2009

I don't know that you should call off the friendship per se, but I think you need to stand up her and say, "hey, what you did was pretty shiitty. I don't agree with your choices."Then, depending on how she reacts, I'd make a decision to stay in the friendship or leave.

mandysmear · October 2009

I would absolutely tell her how I feel. Honesty is key in any relationship. I would also urge her to tell her ex-FI. IF she doesn't, fine, her life. My friends do stupid shiit all the time, I don't stop being their friends though.

melishka716 · October 2009

Well, is she the type of person you want to be around? Someone who cheats?It's really a personal decision. If you feel it's going to strain your friendship, then I think you already know the answer.

J&K10910 · October 2009

I can't see myself keeping my mouth shut in this situation. I wouldn't just say "Hey, I think you're a crappy person" but maybe something along the lines of "what the heck are you doing girl?!"

calle28 · October 2009

That's a hard one. On one hand, you have to have respect for someone in order to be friends with them and it sounds like you've lost all respect for her.On the other hand, it isn't any of your business and it doesn't directly affect you at all. Your friend is probably going to need someone to talk to and it would suck to be her if everybody abondoned her right now. We've all done things that our friends disapproved of, but they are still our friend. I don't think staying friends with her means you are supporting her decision at all. If she brings it up and you guys have that kind of relationship, then tell her how you feel. She may listen or she may not. She might even end the friendship. Just be prepared for the consequences if you try to tell her what she should do or how bad she messed up. I know I'm kind of all over the place because this isn't a black and white situation and I know exactly where you're coming from. But if it were me and one of my close friends did this, I would stay friends with them. You don't know the whole situation and who are you to judge her. Ya know?

sarah0725 · October 2009

I think I would strongly express my views of the situation.I haven't had a friend cheat on her SO/spouse yet, so I don't know whether I would end the friendship or anything like that. But I am so not okay with cheating, and if one of my friends came to me with a situation like this, she would definitely be hearing plenty about it from me.

lyndausvi · October 2009

I ended a relationship because I did not support a friend having an affair while married. I regret my choice. Both her and her ex-husband are both happier now than they were together. Sure they wish it did not have to end the way it did. But sometimes a couple needs something like an affair to realize they really were not a good couple.You are the only one who can decide if the relationship should be ended.If something like this happens again to me I might not jump into ending a relationship.

ggmae · October 2009

I would be upfront and honest with her - tell her that you don't agree with the choices that she has made and your reasons why (if you so choose.) I wouldn't end the friendship though. If/when this doesn't work out and her world comes crashing down, she'll need a friend to lean on. I would probably decline invites to go out or spend time with her and this guy though.

FutureMrsDudley55 · October 2009

A former friend of mine was cheating on her FI with some guy that she was working with. She bragged about it to me and her FI was seriously one of the nicest guys ever. When she told me that we quit talking for the most part except for the occasional phone call. They broke off their engagement, and a few months ago, she wanted to try to be all BFF's and what not, but I told her that what she did was wrong and that I didn't support what she did whatsoever. She wanted to keep fighting with me about it, and began calling me names. I told her never to call me again. I agree with saying that you don't support what she did and what she did was wrong. See where is goes from there.

trix1223 · October 2009

I would more than likely end the friendship. Because someone that would cheat on a person to whom she's engaged and with whom she has a child has values so different from my own that I'd have a hard, if not impossible time being around her.If she wanted out of the relationship with her FI, she should have done the right thing and called it off as soon as she realized it. Then, when that was completely over, go ahead and start seeing the other guy.I feel the same about the friend dating a married man who has kids. If his marriage is over, then let it be over before you start "dating" him. Make sure he's out of the house, and I'd want to see copies of at least the filing for the divorce. But sleeping with a guy who's stepping out on his wife and kids is way out of line.And I guess I'm just too....I don't know....insecure, practical? I would absolutely have trust issues with a guy who wouldn't think twice about sleeping with me when he was married to another woman and with whom he has children. I'd be wondering how long until he was cheating on me.For me, there's no gray scale here. Dating someone who is married is simply wrong, and I couldn't support someone who was involved in that, nor do I condone, either tacitly or explicitly the OP's friend.

maylane · October 2009

If this was the only incident of cheating and complete lack of respect for those around her then I know I wouldn't feel so negatively towards her. As I type this out I even wonder why I am holding onto this friendship. We're friends but since we live a fair distance from one another we're definitely not close anymore. We do have a number of mutal friends though so I wonder if that's making me hesitant to "stir the pot." For some reason, people tend to tip toe around her. Everyone is aware of the behavior but its never spoken of.

melishka716 · October 2009

I should also mention... My BFF cheated on her FI, because he had cheated on her before they were engaged. She felt 2 wrongs DID make it right. I told her how I felt, stuck with her, and have never brought it up. Sure, I don't agree with what she did, but it's not my thing to just ditch someone. I try to understand why people do inappropriate things.But I still think it's a personal decision.

janedoe1113a · October 2009

It sounds like you've already made your decision.

maylane · October 2009

Yah, I definitely know which way I'm leaning but the replys have made me realize that I should def think about this more and try to see all angles.

calle28 · October 2009

I feel like if you ditch someone because they've made a bad decision you're kind of acting like the moral police officer or something. It just seems wrong.

janedoe1113a · October 2009

I think if she wasn't a good friend before all this happened, then I wouldn't keep up the friendship.

ggmae · October 2009

Sometimes friendships are just meant to come to an end. There is really nothing you can do about it - it just turns out that way. I ended a friendship last year with a girl I was roommates with for 2 years. She was being a biitch and tried to sabotage my relationship with my best friend. It worked too - my BF and I didn't talk much for nearly a year. I knew that my life would be better without this girl and I didn't need drama like that in my life, so I made the decision to end the friendship because what she was doing was against myself and my best friend.It's tough and never fun, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. The situation you are in is a tough one - I hope you make the decision that is best for yourself.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

I would absolutely end the friendship. Based on the details you've shared with this situation and that there's evidently more things in the past, she has a major character flaw. Do you really want to be friends with someone like that if you have the choice?

maylane · October 2009

Thanks for all your opinions. I realize that I need to evaluate the friendship as a whole and not get stuck on this one incident.

duckie1905 · October 2009

I'm a cheater. I'll admit it. I was engaged when I was younger and the relationship was garbage. It isn't an excuse but I was so miserable as well as so young and stupid that I didn't really know how to "let myself out" of the relationship so as a cry for help, almost, I started seeing another man. My friends found out and instead of cutting me out of their lives they tried to understand why I was doing what I was doing (since I had never behaved like that before) and realized that the problem wasn't only that I was cheating but that I was miserable and in an emotionally abusive relationship.Is your friend prone to behavior like this? Cheating isn't ever justified, even if the relationship is bad, but that doesn't mean that there isn't something going on that no one else sees. She may have problems in her life that she needs support to deal with.I'm not defending what I did and I'm not defending her actions either. It was wrong and I know that. What I needed at the time was not a friend that was going to come in, guns-blazing and insult me and my decisions, tell me how awful I was and, up on a high horse, tell me how much better she was than I was. I needed support to not only end the affair but also get out of the bad relationship.So, if you are going to approach her, approach her with some sensitivity and concern before you start judging her for her actions.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

Are you planning on just not returning calls from her as your means of ending it or having a face to face? Because I agree with PP...there's not really a need to be her preacher. People outgrow friendships all the time - that (or different paths) can be reason out.

maylane · October 2009

She cheated on her previous BF with her FI and our mutual friends have witnessed her cheating throughout the 5 year relationship with her FI. They are def not right for each other but there is no abuse. Just very different personalities and expectations. Since I've known her she has always had really bad self esteem which I think is making me feel that I should still try to salvage the friendship - is that just me being led by my guilt?

maylane · October 2009

Most of our communication is via email and IM due to the physical distance so phasing out the friendship would probably fairly easy. I am the type to hold onto friendships even past their "expiry date" and I know I need to let that go.

lyndausvi · October 2009

your last reply would have been nice to have known earlier. Yes, I would get rid of a serial cheater. I would not even tell them why, I would just distance myself from her.A first time offense, it depends on the situation.

maylane · October 2009

Lynda - Yah, sorry about that. I realize that piece of info can completely changes the situation.

kinsey0628 · October 2009

it sounds like people's mixed responses are bc of the mixed reasons people cheat. sometimes people make mistakes, and i dont think making a mistake is a reason to ditch a friend. however, it sounds like another reason for cheating is just having a whole different set of values. and in that case, then that IS a valid reason to end a friendship.from what you've said... i could be wrong -- but it sounds like it's the 2nd case. personally, i probably wouldn't give her a huge speech and tell her the friendship is over, but probably not return calls or whatever, if she even calls. just let it run its course and fade out. if it does come up, you can tell her you don't agree with her choices though or whatever.good luck.

kinsey0628 · October 2009

just saw your last 2 replies... yeah, just let it go.you can't do anything to boost her self-esteem, that's all on her, unfort. hope she gets better too.

Sooles · October 2009

im bothered by the way you say "you found out" why it ended and you "havent talked to her personally" yet. i would really talk to her and find out if this is true before i make any rash decisions. even if she has been a cheater in the past.

maylane · October 2009

She had the bridal party inform all her friends about the wedding being off which is part of the reason I haven't talked to her yet. And I trust those girls enough to know that they are telling me the truth. She put them through a lot in past month when they discovered she was cheating. I know this sounds like a bit much but its all part of the drama that this friend seems to bring with her and I know we are all guilty of enabling her, so to speak.

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