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Etiquette

Asking parents to help pay for wedding

My parents are pretty well off, but they don't want to help pay for my wedding because, when they got married, they had to pay for their own(same reasoning for why they couldn't pay for my college). My FI and I aren't really upset about it or anything and are planning to do it ourselves, but we don't make a whole lot of money right now and I was wondering if it would be rude to ask my parents if they could help with some things, like pay for my dress or cover the flowers or something. What do you think?
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Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:e583c963-d34b-4987-aca2-0b2f9704a16a">Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents are pretty well off, but they don't want to help pay for my wedding because, when they got married, they had to pay for their own(same reasoning for why they couldn't pay for my college). My FI and I aren't really upset about it or anything and are planning to do it ourselves, but we don't make a whole lot of money right now and I was wondering if it would be rude to ask my parents if they could help with some things, like pay for my dress or cover the flowers or something. What do you think?
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    Yes it would be very rude.  They already told you they don't want to help pay for your wedding.  Paying for your dress or flowers would be exactly that.  While I think their reasoning is shitty, its their choice to make and they already told you how they feel.
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    jendemeyer
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:e583c963-d34b-4987-aca2-0b2f9704a16a">Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents are pretty well off, but <strong>they don't want to help pay for my wedding because, when they got married</strong>, they had to pay for their own(same reasoning for why they couldn't pay for my college). My FI and I aren't really upset about it or anything and are planning to do it ourselves, but we don't make a whole lot of money right now and I was wondering if it would be rude to ask my parents if they could help with some things, like pay for my dress or cover the flowers or something. What do you think?<div>Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>Sounds like they have already made up their mind. I certainly wouldn't ask them to pay for anything if they have already said they don't want to pay for your wedding. If they OFFER to pay for some things, then you can accept but I think it would be rude to ask them.</div>
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    Blue_Bird
  • I'm in the same boat except it's my grandparents that are loaded, my parents are broke. I talk with them about the wedding but they haven't offered to chip in and I'm not about to ask (they graciously paid for my college). We are planning on paying for it ourselves and are hoping they will give us a nice wedding present. I wouldn't ask your parents for any financial help if they don't offer it, besides you never know they might surprise you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:ef5ebf4d-a828-4c16-81ce-9deef4ddbd4f">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm in the same boat except it's my grandparents that are loaded, my parents are broke. I talk with them about the wedding but they haven't offered to chip in and I'm not about to ask (they graciously paid for my college). We are planning on paying for it ourselves <strong>and are hoping they will give us a nice wedding present.</strong> I wouldn't ask your parents for any financial help if they don't offer it, besides you never know they might surprise you.
    Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

    <div>niiiiiice</div>
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  • Well if your parents have flat out said they wouldn't be helping to pay for the wedding, then I wouldn't bother with asking about a particular thing or two. They apparently feel strongly about it since that's what they had to do, so it seems like you would be wasting your time. Do something more simple or have a longer engagement that would allow you to save and put away more money towards your wedding.

    But as SD3194 they very will might come and surprise you with offering to pay for something down the road.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2010
    Er. Seriously?! Why should your parents pay for your wedding? You can not ask them to pay for a wedding for you. It is your wedding. If you are getting married, you are an adult. As an adult, you pay for any unnecessary parties. A basic wedding is cheap (JOP), anything above the basics is optional. It doesn't matter how much money your parents have, that is their money - not yours.

    (Now if they offer that is different.)

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    Blue_Bird
  • Thanks for your thoughts, I understand it would be rude. It's just frustrating that they don't really take enough interest in the wedding to know how much even a small, DIY wedding costs.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It would have been rude to ask them in the first place.  Now that they've already said they don't want to help, it would just be ridiculous to ask.  

    Plan the wedding you can afford, when you can afford it.  
    Blue_Birdjendemeyer
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:72d4e6d8-d42f-4bbb-a1ef-ac80a4abd1c3">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, I understand it would be rude. It's just frustrating that they don't really take enough interest in the wedding to know how much even a small, DIY wedding costs.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    <div>Or maybe, since they paid for their own wedding, they expect you to be adult enough to do the same. </div>
    Blue_Bird
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:72d4e6d8-d42f-4bbb-a1ef-ac80a4abd1c3">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, I understand it would be rude.<strong> It's just frustrating that they don't really take enough interest</strong> in the wedding to know how much even a small, DIY wedding costs.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]
    It's not their wedding and they don't plan on paying for yours, so of course they're not interested in what it costs.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
    Blue_Bird
  • I'm sure they have a good ideal of what your financial situation is. If they to ease the burden of paying for a wedding, they'll let you know, but you shouldn't ask them.
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  • The engagement has been very long and we still aren't going to be married for another year. We also have a one and a half year old that we take care of. My parents haven't necissarily flat out refused to pay for it, they just told me that they paid for their own and then the conversation ended.
  • On the other hand, it gives you free reign to have the wedding YOU want.  No cries of "what do you mean great aunt Edna and her 18 parrots can't come" or "you can't get married in Jamaica, you need to get married at home".  

    NerdyLucysouthernbelle0915cncanderson2014
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:72d4e6d8-d42f-4bbb-a1ef-ac80a4abd1c3">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, I understand it would be rude. It's just frustrating that they don't really take enough interest in the wedding to know how much even a small, DIY wedding costs.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    Again it is not their wedding. Remember no one will be as excited about your wedding as you will be.  It is not that they don't love you. It just isn't their wedding.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • And you shouldn't resurrect that conversation. It would probably only serve to make you all very uncomfortable. If you're pretty far into your engagement and they haven't offered, they're probably not going to. And it's rude to ask anyone, ever for money. Period.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • While I disagree that its all that bad asking your parents for help with the wedding, its really not applicable in this situation because theyve already told you outright that they wont. Plan for the wedding you can afford, even if it has to be small or further down the road than you expected.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:72d4e6d8-d42f-4bbb-a1ef-ac80a4abd1c3">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, I understand it would be rude. It's just frustrating that they don't really take enough interest in the wedding to know how much even a small, DIY wedding costs.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    Oh, they might know. They just expect you to be an adult and pay for it yourself, if that's what you want (a wedding). Nothing wrong with that.
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  • I also think people these days assume that their parents are going to fork over $10-$20k for a wedding. There's no reason they should, PPs are right, whether they are well off or not...it's still their money. My FI and his his mom were pissed that my parents can't afford to pay for ours, but why should they?
  • DodgersBrideDodgersBride member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:33fecade-bd73-472c-a662-2a1ead43aa5a">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]The engagement has been very long and we still aren't going to be married for another year. <strong>We also have a one and a half year old that we take care of</strong>. My parents haven't necissarily flat out refused to pay for it, they just told me that they paid for their own and then the conversation ended.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]

    I may get flamed for this but what does having a one and half year old have to do with your parents paying for the wedding? It's not like you are the first ppl in the world to have a small child and get married.
    southernbelle0915jendemeyer
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:9f392fdf-5ffc-4f7f-bf0d-f1af99a1d16d">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]While I disagree that its all that bad asking your parents for help with the wedding, <strong>its really not applicable in this situation because theyve already told you outright that they wont. Plan for the wedding you can afford, even if it has to be small or further down the road than you expected.</strong>
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

    I agree with the bolded part. I'm a little puzzled as to why you want to ask when they've already seemingly said they won't.

    You can do this on your own. It doesn't have to be huge, or grand, it just needs to be you and your FI saying your vows, and then hosting some refreshments after for whomever comes to witness it.
  • I agree with the others. You are acting like a spoiled brat. You are not entitled to their money. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:43942274-e5a9-49df-a061-60922499e074">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also think people these days assume that their parents are going to fork over $10-$20k for a wedding. There's no reason they should, PPs are right, whether they are well off or not...it's still their money. <strong>My FI and his his mom were pissed that my parents can't afford to pay for ours,</strong> but why should they?
    Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

    This would have been cause for a huge ass discussion between H and I.  Why in the world would your FI be pissed that your parents couldn't pay for HIS wedding?  I would be concerned about what else in his life he expects your parents to fork over for.  Down payment on a new house?  Closing costs? Help with a new car?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:d835ce46-6a9b-44a6-9b22-bb9bc8e96385">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with the others. You are acting like a spoiled brat. You are not entitled to their money. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    Seriously? It's not like she came in here screaming and stomping her feet or anything.

    I don't think she should be asking for money, but I wouldn't call her spoiled for asking an ill-advised question.
    AlexisA01
  • No, you can't ask your parents to help pay.  It's one thing if they offer, but you should pay for your wedding yourself regardless if they're "well off" or not.
    Updated 1/17/11 image Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:7d280783-2d25-42bb-a829-237f88bbe3ff">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding : This would have been cause for a huge ass discussion between H and I.  Why in the world would your FI be pissed that your parents couldn't pay for HIS wedding?  I would be concerned about what else in his life he expects your parents to fork over for.  Down payment on a new house?  Closing costs? Help with a new car?
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    My thoughts exactly when I read that part.  How dare your FI and his mom assume that your parents would be paying for your wedding.
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  • I could understand your frustration if they had somehow led you to believe they were going to help pay for the wedding but I think they made themselves pretty clear. I'm sure since you've been engaged for a long time already and still have a year to go you'll be able to put a little aside so you can have a nice wedding without your parent's help.
  • I shouldn't have said pissed but I think FI was under the impression that parents ALWAYS pay for the wedding. Maybe because his parents paid for his sisters, who knows. His parents felt the same way about the situation, I thought that was a little odd but whatever. However, he did grow up pretty spoiled. I guess everyone has to learn sooner or later not everything is handed to them. My mom nipped this one in the bud pretty quickly lol.
  • I agree with PP. I don't think your question made you sound like a spoiled brat.
     
    I know its definitely not good etiquette to ask for money for a wedding. But I feel like at the end of the day you know your parents best so whatever conversation you choose to have with them is up to you. However, since they basically already told you no that's probably going to be their answer again. But like other people have said, they may surprise you down the road!

  • Another thought, even though I might get burned for this one. I grew up southern baptist (scray I know) and my family is pretty traditional/uptight and I couldn't imagine them getting really enthusiastic about forking over a bunch of money for my wedding if I already had a baby. I don't agree with this reasoning whatsoever but is your family the same way?
    jendemeyer
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:8dc52c1c-5d7a-4158-9a2e-08c8e9ffdac4">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Another thought, even though I might get burned for this one. I grew up southern baptist (scray I know) and my family is pretty traditional/uptight and I couldn't imagine them getting really enthusiastic about forking over a bunch of money for my wedding if I already had a baby. I don't agree with this reasoning whatsoever but is your family the same way?
    Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

    No my parents aren't that way, they never even go to church so religion has nothing to do with it. They have been pushing me to get married for years now and even more so after Joe was born. Another problem is that my father is looking down on me cutting costs anyway I can and he feels I should just get a loan or something so I can pay for better things.
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