How to say no to a BM politely?

ootmother2 · October 2009

"But we're paying for it ourselves, so I think I have that right."Paying for the wedding does not allow you to be unkind to the woman who will be your sister in law.Most of the things you have pointed out have to do with her weight. Why not just say that you don't want an overweight bridesmaid?

bablingbrooke · October 2009

1. Stop worrying about the WP when you aren't even engaged. 2. Focus on "FSIL" as a person, not as a potential BM who will "ruin" your "wedding". Looking at this just as a BM issue is ridiculous. You're 2 years away and your BF isn't ready to propose. You have other things to occupy your time with, I assure you.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

I love how you're so focused on how your wedding photos might look when you're completely missing the point that the guy doesn't want to get married yet. This is just so silly to focus on.

BJsGirl827 · October 2009

Ok I just wanna know how saving the money for a ring means he isn't ready? He's not ready because he doesn't wanna whip out his visa and charge it so it racks up more on his credit card bill? Ok, yep, then he isn't ready. Good thing you called that one straight.

ootmother2 · October 2009

Hey! babbling, long time no hear?I'm moving up north late winter. Hope you'll still be around. email me

Simply Fated · October 2009

You dont' need a ring to be engaged... And, honestly, if she looks as horrible as you think she will in the photos, you can crop her out.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

oot! How ya been?

ootmother2 · October 2009

Doing well brook! We'll catch up soon.methinks Retread has called it on this one.under the bridge troll

bablingbrooke · October 2009

oot: YGM

banana468 · October 2009

Retread, I agree.After all, they're not really engaged and the "BF" can't afford the ring.But those photos - oh boy will those bad boys be expensive. You better believe it!OOT, what's this I hear???

ootmother2 · October 2009

I'll email you banana

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

I'm still waiting for you to answer my question. If he can't afford a ring after years of saving, how are you going to pay for a wedding? 1) Yes I am real. No, you're not.

stina93446 · October 2009

Everything you've said about your FSIL is completely rude. Step back for a minute. You're judging her based only on her appearance. Do you or her brother even really care about her at all? If you do AT ALL, you need to stop thinking about yourself and your pity party....oops, I mean bridal party, and go help HER! I hope to freakin' god that you're a troll, because this is unacceptable behavior....both you AND Brian!

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

If he can't afford a ring after years of saving, how are you going to pay for a wedding?For serious. A quick jaunt to my jeweler's website shows that their diamond solitaires start at about $200 for the setting. They're not that expensive. Even when I was barely making my rent and eating free crackers and cheese for dinner, I could have probably set aside three or four hundred dollars in a few months. Methinks the boy is merely making excuses.It doesn't matter how often you see her, she's still family. All I'm getting here is that you don't want a fat bridesmaid, which is pretty appalling.

stina93446 · October 2009

You don't even technically NEED a ring, he just needs to PROPOSE! If you've talked about it with him, and he's agreed, but still hasn't asked "Will you marry me?" I don't think he's ready, like Brooke said.

shroombomber · October 2009

I was gonna ask the same thing, but I see what you guys are getting at. I don't remember who said it but I like the advice that only let her know only if she asks. But that's not the whole point behind me responding. I'm a little lost and I've seen this mentioned on here before, what do you guys mean by, "she's a troll"?

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Troll = comes up w/ made-up problems to rile everyone up and stir up trouble. Not an actual person with an actual problem.

MrsCanes511 · October 2009

Im not going to attack you personally or any of that for all the other issues that need to be adressed, I just want to give you my personal opinion. Its not worth creating this drama with FSIL because of this. Just put a smile on. Yes "these pictures are forever" however, she will then also be your SIL for just as long. It is not worth creating some sort of war (which it seems this could turn into) over something that truly is meaningless in the long run. I understand the frustration with having her in your pictures, and your paying for them. FI and I are paying for ours as well and my step mom I am DREADING having them in our pics, however our photog knows all about it and she will be in pictures to KEEP THE PEACE but we will not buy them. Easy fix to avoid drama.Plus since you have so much time before the wedding, maybe you can help her clean up a bit? She may look one way now, but try to picture how she would be dressed for the wedding, looking nice in the dress, hair and makeup done pretty? I know now it seems terrible, but just keep your options open. HTH!

[Deleted User] · October 2009

1) She does NOT take very good care of herself, and as horrible as this sounds, WE don't want that in our pictures that WE will be paying bucks for.This is one of the worst things that I've read on these boards so far. I am really sad for your FSIL.

BJsGirl827 · October 2009

Ok, so its rude of me to have the reasons I do. I get that. But is it not also rude of HER to flat out ask me 'I'm going to be a BM right?' I believe you are suppose to BE ASKED to be a BM, not ASK yourself. Either way. It is a long way off. I just had a simple question. Those who had advice, once again, thanks. Those who did not.. well that's ok. I am not going to stop posting, I am not going to make a new account, and I WILL NOT go out of my way to prove I am real. If you don't like me, or think I'm a fake, that's fine. Glad I was of entertainment to you though, and that you felt it necessary to start a thread in my honor.It has been said, 'Love me or hate me, either way you're talking about ME!'

banana468 · October 2009

I agree that she should not ask or presume to be a BM. However I think you're missing the bigger picture here on why what you propose is not a great idea.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

"Ok, so its rude of me to have the reasons I do. I get that. But is it not also rude of HER to flat out ask me 'I'm going to be a BM right?' I believe you are suppose to BE ASKED to be a BM, not ASK yourself." Two wrongs don't make a right.

BJsGirl827 · October 2009

Thanks mom, for pointing that one out.

BJsGirl827 · October 2009

Btw, I never said they did.And, banana, I'm not missing the bigger picture. I know it was rude. But either way. Like I have said a few times already, we've tried to help Trisha, but she refuses. You can't help those who won't help themselves.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

The fact that you've tried to help her doesn't make it okay that to be shallow. Not wanting her in your wedding because she'll ruin you pictures is just wrong. It's not your place to judge her.

stina93446 · October 2009

Bj, the whole issue I have with this is that your reasons are a far worse wrong than her asking. Yes, she was rude, and if you want you can tell her that. PS I don't know WHO told you to get a new name. You don't need to, just an attitude adjustment. Banana is the nicest girl on this board. Just pointing that out.

stina93446 · October 2009

Oh, and BJ, I just thought of something....if you don't like this girl, why don't you just tell her? Maybe then she'd leave you alone. I told my DH about you and the first he said was that you weren't real.

banana468 · October 2009

BJ, the entire point is that it's too early to even think about the BP right now. Wait until your BF/FI says, "Hey, I love you please marry me and let's set a date." Until then any plans are putting the cart before the horse. However as you say that you're in this together, it means that you're in HIS family already. It's important that you don't make any decisions that can come back to haunt you throughout your marriage.

stina93446 · October 2009

I still want to know why Brian is also not very loving towards his sister.

Licia&Wayne · October 2009

BJs, if you really are asking for advice, I think the best advice you've been given is to bite the bullet and ask her to be a bridesmaid to keep from hurting her and to keep the peace in your family. Your original and subsequent posts have really worried me as to whether your FSIL is healthy, both mentally and physically. I hope that in your private lives you along with the rest of the family are trying to help her as best you can and have not given up on her. It is somewhat rude to just expect to be a bridesmaid and ask you if that's the case, but at the same time I think it says a lot that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. It seems to really mean something to her.I think you might be having a hard time coming up with the words to tell her you don't want her to be a bridesmaid because you know deep down you don't have a good reason to not have her as a bridesmaid. To be honest, I wouldn't worry about it now. I would wait and see and make sure I was doing all that I could to help FSIL and have a comfortable relationship with her. And if after that time you still don't want her in the wedding party (for hopefully a better reason than she doesn't take care of herself) just say, "These are the people in the wedding party," and stay away from spelling out awful reasons why she isn't a part of it. And if you are just trolling (which, I'm sorry, after reading your original post I hope this isn't real because it seems very hurtful) well, thanks for giving me a place to spend a few minutes of cubicle time.

How to say no to a BM politely?

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