How do I deal with people who think I am too young to get married?

disturbedkitty · November 2009

Does anyone know how to deal with people who think I am too young to get married? I am sick of friends, family members, and vendors treating me horribly because I am young. I am not going to announce my age (hint: I am in college) because this isn't about whether or not I am too young to get married (Please, do not leave comments about me being too young). I love him, we can support each other, and by the time we get married, we will have been together for five years. That's all that matters to me. However, I have been in a couple situations that I didn't know how to deal with and I am sure I will be through a lot more before June 29, 2011 comes around. Here are just a few of my stories.When I went to David's Bridal with my mother, we got a warm welcome. They thought my mother was the one getting married. When we politely told them I was the one getting married, they ignored us for the rest of our visit. We won't be going back there.My FI and I visited his aunt shortly after we got engaged. When I had visited her before, she was welcoming and very polite. However, on this trip, she literally refused to talk to me. She wouldn't even acknowledge my existence! If I asked her a question, she would ignore me and start talking to my FI or his sister. I found out later that she didn't approve of us getting married so young.My best girl friend (who was supposed to be my MOH, though I havent asked her yet and probably won't now) is dating a guy who doesn't think I should be getting married. My friend was rooting for us to get engaged long before she started dating her BF. When my FI finally popped the question, she started saying awful things about us being too young. She also said my ring looked cheap (which I doubt she would have said if her BF wasnt whispering nasty things about my engagement in her ear)How do I deal with people who treat me like this? Should I just ignore them or should I tell them off? Has anyone else experienced this problem before? What are your stories?

melissa82 · November 2009

(Please, do not leave comments about me being too young).First, you have to understand this is a public message board, meaning that people have every right to comment on any part of your post, not just the parts you say to.Second, have you stopped any listened to any of these people's concerns? Do you have valid points or are they just general "you're too young" comments? I will just say that when I was in college, I was 100% convinced I would marry my ex. I could not have been more wrong. You will change so much by age 25-27--believe me. But I also know that at your age, you're probably not going to listen to this advice much at all.As far as what to do? First, I doubt DB cares about your age. They have crappy service for everyone (Google for horror stories). Second, I see it as a big problem that FI didn't address his aunt right away and tell her she needs to respect you. He should have demanded respect for his future wife, and left if she still refused to acknowledge you. And your best friend doesn't sound like a friend at all.

sarack · November 2009

I'm sorry that you are dealing with that. There is nothing that you can do but ignore them. You're friend isn't being a very good friend by changing her mind about your relationship because of what some boyfriend is saying. BUT, maybe she doesn't agree with it now. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people and now you know that that girl isn't your friend. People will always make comments, you just have to take them with a grain of salt and move on.

Puja20 · November 2009

The only thing you can do is ignore them. People judge and will continue to judge. If you are sure that you are doing the right thing then that is all you should be worried about. Hopefully the important people in your life will come around.Your MOH sounds like a crappy friend. I wouldn't ask her to be in the wedding at all.Good luck and congratulations!

disturbedkitty · November 2009

Melissa82- I was just trying to let people know that I have already thought about the consequences of getting married at my age and would, instead, like to discuss how to deal with people who disagree with my choice. I realize this is a public board and if people want to rant about kids getting married too young, so be it. However, that is not the reason for my post. None of the criticisms about my choice have been helpful. They are all general "you're too young, you will get divorced soon" comments. I understand the risks. People change, and the man I marry in two years may not be the same man in 20. However, his views on divorce (against it), children, and marriage match my own. Our communication skills are excellent and we have never had a screaming match (we have had little fights, but nothing compared to what our friends have). I am confident we will have a long, happy marriage. No one has brought up a single comment regarding flaws in our relationship. The only negative critisisms have to do with our age. Oh, and my FI did actually stand up for me, but his aunt still treats me like crap. The solution? My future mother, father, and sister-in-law havent talked to her since. Unfortunatly, I still have to invite her to the wedding because my FI loves his uncle and cousins. If she pulls any crap, I'll probably just sick my wedding party on her

BrandyL10 · November 2009

By the way I'm guessing, you have to be 19 at least for college. So what's the big deal??? I have several friends that married at that age, and are still happily married. Mainly they are from little towns, but from what you describe, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going. And getting married at the five year mark, hell, you waited longer than I am! I'm getting married at the three year mark. And sure your guys taste may change, but isn't that what relationships are about? Changing together? I'm sorry, but if I were you, I would be a biitch on wheels to anyone who told me I was too young. It's not for everybody, but it's true, some people are a perfect fit no matter what age.Congrats, and let us know your wedding details!

Pixel'sMom · November 2009

My guess is that you look even younger.My best friends just got married- at 31 she looks 18! In any case, do your best to ignore those remarks!

jennyann28 · November 2009

I guess I'm going to go out on a limb and be the biitchy one here. Your entire post makes you sound like you ARE too young. I ditto pretty much everything Melissa said. If I remember correctly from a previous post of yours, you are 19. I know a lot of people who thought at 19 they knew who they were going to marry and they are lightyears away from that now. Just having been together for 5 years doesn't necessarily mean you're ready either. My MOH married her boyfriend of 7 years, and was divorced in less than a year! They had gotten together so young that they really did not know how to be in a relationship or what they really wanted. Now I am not saying that this is going to happen to you. But the next several years of your life are when you are going to do a LOT of changing and growing, and I think that people have the attitude that they do because the majority of 19 year olds have no idea what they're doing in life, let alone relationships. Maybe they don't express their concerns in the right way, but they wouldn't have them without good reason. I think that if you were older/more confident in your decision to get married, you wouldn't have posted this at all, nor gone on the defensive about what this post is really about. If you ARE sure you're not too young to get married, then you really won't care what people think. Ignoring? Probably the most mature way to go. Telling people off? That sounds like a 19 year old approach. Your friend/MOH is having a very 19 year old reaction, and it seems you are too in response. This is pretty lengthy, so I will get to my point. If you are mature enough to get married, you're mature enough to figure out an adult way to handle these situations. And yes, David's has horrible service, to everyone.

cupcakepirate · November 2009

I got married at 19. Now 20. Nearly 21. So I can understand where you are coming from, however, I never had this issue myself. I guess I'd ignore it, but telling off and fighting back isn't really the best way to handle a situation. I agree with Melissa and Jenny, especially Jenny. There are more 'adult' ways to handle situations like these, and it kind of seems that by posting this issue, that maybe you're starting to buy into what people are saying. The whole 'cheap looking' ring thing, if it really is sentimental and perfect, then why would you let it bother you?I'm sure coming from me, it isn't all that helpful. I know it would be hard for me to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage where family wasn't 'okay' with it. I've been there. I know I would be having a much harder time being married now if it wasn't for the love and support of our family and friends. Additionally, it sounds like you need better friends. But at the same time, if everyone is doubting then maybe there is something to look at.

disturbedkitty · November 2009

I probably worded this post all wrong. I should have just asked if anyone else had any stories like mine. I apologize for the way I worded the post. Again, I don't need approval from anyone. I love my FI and once again, I understand the risks of marrying young. Seriously, why are you all being so cranky? Oh, and I haven't been "telling people off". I was just wondering if I am being too passive by ignoring them and not dealing with the issue. I don't think people are giving me enough credit here...I am not a twelve-year-old. Again, I apologize for the way I asked the question. I was really tired when I wrote the post. I am sure you can relate.

jodyplustwinsx2 · November 2009

I can see both sides of this, having been married at 19 myself (and divorced at 21). However, I wanted to say that I didn't think your post sounded immature or spoke to the idea of you being too young at all. On the contrary, I think that it is a sign of maturity to admit when things bother you and ask for help in finding positive ways to resolve those problems. It's easy to say that adults just ignore negative things that others say, but I don't think that is true at all. We're all different people, and some people are hurt more by the opinions of those they care about. I, for one, am definitely upset when people I care about are unkind to me. At any rate, I wish you all the best. I have been there, but in my case the relationship was pretty much doomed to fail since we got married because I got pregnant. But, even without that death knell, I don't know that I was mature enough to sustain a long-term relationship at that age. Like pp said, the reality is that you will change dramatically in your 20s and may find yourself wanting entirely different things. Personally, now that I'm 31, I tell my kids that the earliest that I'd ever want to get married, in retrospect, is 25+, and preferably closer to 30. Your early 20s can be such an awesome time... travel, build your career, have fun with friends, be silly. There doesn't have to be a rush to get married. But, that said, I got married for a second time at 27 and was divorced again. And he and I were in love and dated for 5 years before we got married. We just ultimately didn't end up being compatible, and he reacted to some of that by cheating on me. We're still friends, and we parent our daughters together really well, and I think everyone is happier now. Anyway, I share this just to say that the reality is that marriage is hard at all ages, and it just plain doesn't always work out.

disturbedkitty · November 2009

jodyplustwinsx2- Thank you! Your comment was helpful. I always thought it was mature to admit when I need advice...but I guess not everyone on here agrees! From now on, I think I'll just ask for advice on color schemes and venue options. The Knot boards are not a friendly place to go for help!

melissa82 · November 2009

Seriously, why are you all being so cranky?LOL. I'm not cranky, just honest. If you guys grow and change in the same way in the coming years, that's fantastic. If not...well you know what that means.I'll tell you this. I know someone who was married very young, and still happily married. But when asked about it, she regrets that they married so young. She essentially says, I knew he was the one and still is, but we could have enjoyed our youth, been more carefree, etc., etc. without having the pressures of marriage so early on. When you have your whole life together, a few years of marriage doesn't make a real difference and I would have rather have more nonmarried years. I'm not here to convince you not to get married. I don't know you, your FI or your relationship. I do know that even the most mature 19-year-old isn't always the same person as the 25- or 30-year-old he/she grows up to be. I think you are actually lucky that on this board there are quite a few younger brides. Back east (where I'm from), people would not be so nice. (Post this on the NNJ board if you want to experiment.) It's pretty much unheard of to get married so young...people like to graduate, start careers, go out and party at bars for a while before settling down. I will be 27 at my wedding and I am the second in my group of friends to get married (and the first was a few weeks ago). FI will be 29 and he's the second of his friends to get married, too. (Just telling you so you know where I'm coming from.)Keep in mind people will always have something to say whether it's that you're too young, too old, dated for too long, have too long of an engagement, are selfish for not wanting kids, etc., etc. All of us have had to deal with similar issues. People are rude, they suck, but as long as you and your FI deal with them as a team, it'll all work out in the end.

melissa82 · November 2009

odyplustwinsx2- Thank you! Your comment was helpful. I always thought it was mature to admit when I need advice...but I guess not everyone on here agrees! From now on, I think I'll just ask for advice on color schemes and venue options. The Knot boards are not a friendly place to go for help!Just because you didn't like what some of us said doesn't mean it wasn't helpful. Look at it from another person's point of view.

disturbedkitty · November 2009

Melissa82- Your comments were also very helpful. Sorry for not responding :P Yeah, I guess by now I should realize that people are just plain opinionated, even if they don't know the full story (take for example, my FI's bitchy aunt). Champagne Supernova-jennyann28 seemed a little cranky. Maybe I just misread the tone, but it didn't sound like she really wanted to help...I didnt want a lecture, I wanted stories about people in the same boat (which is why I said jodyplustwinsx2's comment was helpful). I am not being bitchy on purpose

disturbedkitty · November 2009

Oh, and I stick to the Seattle and June 2011 boards because the people on there aren't quite so rude. I asked a question about a theme on the P&E board once and half the people on there told me I was an idiot and the idea was stupid. Seriously...why cant people just be nice? There is a difference between honest and bitchy! You can say, "Personally, I dont like pink and green" without saying, "Those are the colors a five-year-old girl would like. Pink and green are stupid choices."

SaraAnnAlvarado2010 · November 2009

Ok I'm still getting the same message from people that you are! FI and I got engaged last November when I was 21 and I will be 23 by the time we get hitched in the summer. I say blow 'em off! You and your FI know what is right for you! And honestly it isn't any of their business. I can understand family posing the concern, but that's a family's job to watch out for you and make sure that you're happy. But some people are just jealous. Just enjoy your engagement and try not to let others get you down!

melissa82 · November 2009

To be fair, I think said "pink and green" post also contained mention of a frog prince theme.

disturbedkitty · November 2009

: SaraAnnAlvarado07-24-2010- Thanks! That makes me feel better. So i am not the only one getting this treatment

Fortunately, most of my family is supportive. It's mostly my friends and some extended family members that don't approve. But hey, like you said, it's none of their beeswax. My little encounter with DB made me a little scared of going to other vendors, but according to most of the people on this board, DB is just an awful place. So I don't think I have to worry about vendors treating me differently because of my age. Why should they? They get paid the same amount

disturbedkitty · November 2009

lol. Yeah. Which I think is kind of a stupid "theme" anyway, but people shouldn't have been so mean about it. I just wanted the dang cake topper :P

SaraAnnAlvarado2010 · November 2009

Totally! Honestly I have turned away vendors who were unprofessional for whatever reason (I believe the age thing.) So same for them if they treat you wrong forget about them! There will be somebody out there who will want to make your day as wonderful for you as possible! Also my best friend and BM got married in August, she's my age too, and wend to DB and had a terrible customer service experience, but found the dress that she wanted, so she decided to bite the bullet.

Happy planning!

disturbedkitty · November 2009

I am definitely over 18, so that isn't a problem

But still, vendors shouldn't treat you differently because of your age, just like they shouldn't treat you differently because of your race or sex. I am just a little afraid that a lot of vendors will turn their noses up at me because of my age. The wedding business can get a little snobby at times. Granted, I have only visited three places, two of which provided excellent customer service (Group USA let me just try on dresses for three hours to get an idea of what looked good on me, even though they KNEW I wasn't buying that day...I recommend them by the way). I don't know...has anyone else really experienced age-related discrimination from vendors?

melissa82 · November 2009

LOL, I'm glad you can laugh about it.

jennyann28 · November 2009

I'll admit, my reply was kind of cranky. Which is not usually my way with this board, but I think I was put off by the start of this post. It seems mostly just AWish, and like you're trying to get people to say you AREN'T too young. I stand by what I said. If YOU think you are old enough to get married, then you should be able to maturely deal with people who don't. It just seems like you are really overly sensitive to the age thing, assuming vendors are treating you badly because you are young. It seems to me like YOU aren't confident that you are old enough. If you were, I don't think you'd be having this issue. I'm sorry if that causes you to think me rude, but it seems like maybe if you didn't let age be a factor for YOU, other people in your life wouldn't either.

csartini · November 2009

This thread is nuts... #1 - Don't say people are being CRANKY just because they aren't saying what you want to hear. That's dumb #2 - I'm 24 and look really young and I get age discrimination all the time - it is just something that you have to deal with sometimes. You are right when you say that it is wrong for people to treat you differently because you look young, but whining about it won't help anything. #3 - There are always family members who are uneasy with change and disagree with things just to disagree and it sounds like you've got a few of those to deal with. I'm sure 90% of us on here have had to deal with uncooperative family members in some way or another. #4 - I'm truly sorry that you are having to go through all this stress... no one needs extra stress like this before their wedding, even in the early stages of planning. Hopefully this will al sort itself out soon.

melissa82 · November 2009

has anyone else really experienced age-related discrimination from vendors?Not from vendors, but other people have seen my ring and said, "You're getting MARRIED?!?! How old are you????" I take it as a compliment. ;-)Also, not age-related but discriminatory nonetheless, when I was looking for venues, one salesperson at the venue said, "That's some rock you have huh?" just before giving me the price. Um, not sure what that's supposed to mean? That I can pay more because of my "rock" or that I should be spending more? Needless to say we did not book there!

jennyann28 · November 2009

Melissa, I read somewhere that vendors will quote you a different price depending upon what kind of car you drive up in!

disturbedkitty · November 2009

Melissa82- I am sure we have all had those silly little ideas that end up being really dumb on paper. The best thing to do is laugh it off and ask yourself if it would work in a different way. I am going with the topper because that was what I really wanted. Our venue is outside and the ceremony is taking place in front of a waterfall. That's the more mature way of adding my froggy fancies (instead of sticking frogs everywhere) lol! jennyann28- It's okay. i'll admit, it is hard not to second guess yourself when a bunch of people are telling you that your wrong. And I do occasionally get those little moments of, "Am I really doing this?" which I have been told are completely normal (not cold feet...just lukewarm feet

). But I did not post this board to be told that I am not to young (in other words, I didnt need approval). I seriously just wanted people to tell me how they handled similar situations. If you think that makes me immature, so be it. I really just wanted to find a better solution than "ignoring it". The solution I have found on this board? Instead of ignoring it and not worrying about it, I will tell myself that it is none of their beeswax. My love for my FI and my commitment I am making to him is all that matters.

csartini · November 2009

Beezwax.... HAHA! Sorry... that was funny

disturbedkitty · November 2009

That's awful! I should ride a bike to go look for vendors. lol!

melissa82 · November 2009

Melissa, I read somewhere that vendors will quote you a different price depending upon what kind of car you drive up in!Hmm, do you think my being chauffeured had anything to do with it? ;-)

How do I deal with people who think I am too young to get married?

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