BM issues

zitiqueen · November 2009

You know what, you keep telling us how you pay for everything for your cousin. That's your choice. I presume she isn't holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do that, and if she is, you're an idiot for not involving the authorities. You have the ability to say no, you know? But then you'd have to find some other way to play the martyr, I guess. Poor you.

Liz4444 · November 2009

nano, no nastiness intended... you say this particular cousin who is giving you hell about $60 shoes expects you to pay her way for everything (even her daughters christening), why did you think this was going to be any different?

Nano78 · November 2009

The reason why its a 2" heel is becaus they all asked me not to have anything over that, so I said thats fine, that does not bother me..Liz, truth I don't know why I thought this..I guess it was wishful thinking on my part..shame on me..I feel bad for her, and I guess I'm at fault for helping to raise her..she is 10 years younger than me and lived with us her whole life. I have always taken her under my wing and spoiled her..whatever she wanted I did my best to give her. Sometimes it was not exactly what she wanted but came very close to it. Like I said, I always felt bad for her because of her broken home. She continues to make not very good judgements and/or choices and I keep the best intentions at heart. I guess I was just pissed but I changed my mind and gave up on this shoe thing. They can spend whatever they want, fighting over money is petty and simply stupid. I have never been one to ask anyone to open their wallets for me, I have what I have because I have managed to get it myself..I'm not trying to play martyr or anything, like I said I was just pissed. There are other things that I need to worry about it.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

I'm glad you've come around. It's fine to be disappointed, and even annoyed at her, but the important thing is how you act on those feelings. 22 can be a hard age financially, and it may take her a while to get on her feet and on her own. Just be patient with her.I also want to know where you're getting custom shoes for $60. I looked at a couple of custom shoe places when I was in the midst of shoe shopping hell for my own wedding shoes, and I couldn't find anything nearly that cheap.

LarissaAnn · November 2009

Nano, You'll be saving yourself a LOT of grief by giving them a guideline and letting them get whatever they want and can afford, trust me. That was one thing I refused to worry about for my own wedding - I told 'em to get shoes that match the dress, and I was done with that issue. It was SO nice not to have an extra thing on my list! As for the rest, maybe now that your cousin has kid(s), it's time to stop paying her way? Anything you shell out for her is your choice, but a little tough love could go a long way at some point. Do you plan to be 83 & still paying her way? And I'm not trying to be mean, but what happens when you're married and your finances are joint with your husbands? Will he want his household funds going to your cousin? You could be looking for unneeded marital strife by doing this. I'm jumping ahead, I know, but I'm a divorce lawyer and don't want to see you as one of my potential clients.

LarissaAnn · November 2009

OMG, and I SWEAR I said that BEFORE clicking on your name and seeing you're from NJ too! By the way, you're getting married on my one year anniversary.

Where's the wedding?

Nano78 · November 2009

I guess there are other things to worry and stress about..my mom's friend owns a shoe store in edison new jersey that specializes in wedding/special events shoes. He said to me that they normally run $120 and up but for me, he would do it for $60, so I figured that would be nice things, to have the girls feet measured and have the shoes fitted just for them but I guess it was the wrong idea. yes, 22 is a difficult age but her choices are not always the right ones and looks for someone to pick up the pieces afterwards..I guess I was just venting and annoyed. Patience is something that I always had with her and I guess this time the patience was running thin but I guess I must replenish it..I stress over her because she is a young single mom and my god-daughter is very precious to me..Alot of it is my fault because I am always there cushioning her fall but I think about the baby..is that wrong? I keep re-reading all of these posts and I guess I did sound a bit petty and wanting what I want for my wedding..shoes are really not that important, most of the time, the BM's take them off as soon as they enter the reception anyway.

LarissaAnn · November 2009

LOL, am I the only one who wore my 3" heels for the entire wedding AND afterparty? Anyway, I can see you loving your goddaughter, and that's great, and it's great that you want to help your cousin. Just make sure that you're not actually doing your cousin a disservice and that your husband is on board with any money that goes out. Don't jeopardize your marriage over her.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

It totally makes sense to want to support a younger, irresponsible relative, especially when their choices don't affect just them, but a baby too. She's probably going to be something that you and your FI are going to have to sit down and figure out. Once you're married, the money you give her becomes his business, too. And you know, any parent with adult children can tell you that there's a fine line between spoiling someone or always bailing them out and helping them get by. You have to recognise that she's not your responsibility, and neither is the baby. One of my co-workers is figuring out how to cut off his 23 y/o daughter b/c she takes advantage. He'll still buy her food and pay for tuition, but he's stopped giving her cash. Maybe you need to stop paying for unnecessary things like christening parties for her, but still buy diapers and baby food when you know she's having a hard time. Anyway, all that is separate from the wedding stuff. For the wedding, tell her to wear a pair of shoes she already owns or loan her a pair of yours. Every dollar that she spends on shoes is a dollar that she can't spend on that baby (even if she wouldn't have anyway). You'll save yourself so much stress if you aren't worrying about it. In the grand scheme of things, a pair of shoes is really silly. It seems like your other financial issues with her are the only reason this is such a big deal.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

LOL, am I the only one who wore my 3" heels for the entire wedding AND afterparty? Yes. I insanely went out and bought a pair of $70 shoes that I fell in love with. They didn't even make it through cocktail hour.

LarissaAnn · November 2009

LOL, wow. I will admit, 3" heels are very different with a 400 lb dress than they are on any other day. But I'm really stubborn, and the shoes really were pretty comfy, as a general matter. I actually bought a pair of the same brand and similar style in black to wear for other occasions after the wedding! But I wear heels a lot, so maybe that's the difference. Wanna hear something funny? I actually can't wear flip flops. I even wear Keds at the beach because I can't deal with anything between my toes.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Aw man, I was hoping for some awesome website or something. You're lucky to be getting such a good deal.I'm sure that you'll figure out the business with your cousin. You sound like you have a level head--as long as you take the time to take a step back and get some perspective.

Nano78 · November 2009

I'm getting married at the knoll country club in parsippany..We fell in love with the west..You are guys are right, she is not my responsiblity and my FI has been very tolerant with her, he's in love with the baby too..we're the god-parents and he too loves spoiling the baby..she's a bit older, she'll be 3 in a couple of months and its not her fault her mom is an idiot..I love my cousin to death and I need to have a nice talk with her, I think that I'm going to let all this blow over and have a good heart-to-heart..wish me luck! For my shoes, I'm wearing 3" heels but I am getting flip flops to change into..I want to be comfy the whole time..The girls wanted to keep the heel small, I told them it was up to them..the flip flops are a suprise for all of them..I want them comfy too..

LarissaAnn · November 2009

Ah, I've heard good things about that place, so good choice! Just don't give yourself unnecessary stress about anything. Take it from one who knows: the stress will find you anyway. Anything you can avoid, avoid it!

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Nano, it sounds like things are going to work out. I do wish you luck. Stick around and post photos when it's all over

trix1223 · November 2009

nano-my sister was married at the Knoll-a long time ago!

It was lovely. I used to live in apartments near there~I think the street was Victoria Ave...

Nano78 · November 2009

Thanks ladies..I am realistic, I guess I got caught up in the "its your wedding and you have what you want" type of mode..plus with the christenning I got lost in translation.And you guys are right, the less stress the better!! LOL..the area is gorgeous by the Knoll, and thanks, its good to hear positive things..I will post pics once the madness is over..LOL..the one thing that I DONT want to be is bridezilla..Has anyone ever watch that show?? those brides are nuts!! I told my girls, if I act that way..just slap me..

jeannigirl · November 2009

It can be easy to get caught up with all the wedding hype and how we want our weddings to be like. Its great that you realized thats what it was and relax and everyone to enjoy this day of celebration. I would just set aside the cousin situation at this time and approach it after the wedding is done and over with and you get settled into your wifey role. I do think that this is an issue that both you and your new husband should do together. That you need to cut back those strings and your cousin needs to grow up and start taking control and responsiblity for her own life and that of her child. You has a strong role model need to help her find that independence and to teach her how to take that role of a provider for her and her child. Maybe together you and FH will be that source. You cannot contuine to follow this path it is determintal to her growth has an individual and you have become her crutch. I'm not being mean and I hope you won't take it that way. I totally get where your coming from. Its the same way moms feel when their children are struggling. It never kills any one it does make them stonger. I wish you all the best on this. Have a great wedding day!

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