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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Parents Contribution??

My fiance and I were recently engaged and are planning a June wedding. I'm a 21 year old graduate student, and he is a 21 year old nightclub manager. We live together in New Orleans, which is about 1,000 miles away from my parents house in Ohio. I moved out shortly after I turned 18 and have been supporting myself financially ever since. I'm very close with my mother, and she and I have been on the phone nearly every day discussing all of the wedding details, but she has not mentioned contributing once. This is extremely frustrating to me, because I do not want to have to ask. My parents were very well off financially for several years, but instead of saving for my education or other expenses they piddled it away on frivolous things. As of right now, they aren't struggling but they well off either. I am paying for my own education, as well as my rent, utilities, food, etc. This has put me in an extremely difficult position, as I am required to work full time while going to school in order to pay my bills. I'll be about 80K in debt by the time I get out of school next year, and the banks have stopped giving me money because I no longer have a credit-worthy cosigner (my parents are in serious credit card debt and refinanced twice in the past year)I am so frustrated. I almost feel guilty to ask, as I've never asked them for help with anything. But I feel like this is something that they should have brought up, instead of ignoring it and pretending that it will go away. So do I ask, or do we foot the bill ourselves? My fiance and I recently moved in together, so that has allowed for us to start saving, so we could do it. But it will be hard.
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Re: Parents Contribution??

  • What do you think? Pay for it yourself (even if that means waiting) or put your parents (who are already in debt themselves) in a worse hardship? Is it really that hard of an equation? Really? Your parents can do whatever they want wit their money, even if you see it as 'piddling it away'. They are under NO obligation to pay for your wedding.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • This gets asked at least once a week. No matter who you are, how much money your parents used to have, what they piddled it away on, what they gave your sister, etc., it is not okay to ask for money. You're an adult. Plan a wedding you can afford. If they chip in, consider it a bonus.
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  • how quickly can you delete?
  • No, you do not ask.I understand you are in an tough financial situation but being old enough to get married means being able to understand you should have the wedding you can afford. You might want to consider a long engagement to give yourself time to graduate, get a job, and get on your feet.
  • You're old enough to be getting married - you're old enough to pay for your own party.You say that your parents "aren't struggling, but aren't well off" and yet they "are in serious CC debt and have refinanced 2x in the last year."  Regardless of where you think your parents are financially, the fact is that their money and how they spend it is none of your business.Plan and pay for the wedding that YOU can afford.  If they offer $ later on in the planning process, say "Thank you" and accept it graciously.
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  • Sorry.  This is part of growing up--your parents aren't required to pay for anything.  They earned the money, they get to choose how they spend it, even if it's "frivolous."  A fancy wedding is pretty frivolous, come to think of it.They presumably clothed and fed you for eighteen years--you should be thankful.Plan the wedding you can afford and pay for it yourself.  That way any money they do offer is just gravy.
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  • I don't understand why your mother isn't stepping up to hand you what you deserve.
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  • ahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.Thats all. 

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  • I understand that you feel disappointed that your parents didn't decide to spend their money on your education.  However, you made the decision to get married, not them, and it is not your place to tell them how to spend their money.  Especially when they have their own debt to worry about.  I would just have the wedding you can afford, even if it means not being able to invite everyone you would want to have there.  Either that or postpone it until you do have the money.
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  • Nice TJ. How long will this one last? Long enough for me to hit Post?
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  • I'm *pretty* sure they earned all their money so it's their choice what they do with it. If they want to spend it on "frivilous" things so be it. Do they dictate how you spend your money?You will have to pay for it yourself.
  • Plan for what you can afford. Your parents raised you for 18 years; that is what they were obligated to do.Sure, it would be nice if they could contribute; but it is not your place to judge their financial situation. If this means you need to postpone your wedding in order to save more money, then so be it. Your parents may be agonizing over the fact that they cannot help you, either, BTW.
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  • First, you pay for your own wedding.  Second, since you have SCHOOL to pay for as well, I would recommend a very small wedding OR a delayed wedding so that you don't have to go farther into debt for SCHOOL.  And above all else - you DO NOT ask your parents for money.  If they want to pay, they'll offer.  Really.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Your parents are in serious credit card debt but you want them to hand you money for a party?  Really?   No, really?

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    "Whatever East. You're just mad I RSVP'd "lame" to your pre-wedding sleepover."
  • FYI - a marriage license costs, like, $50.
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  • I'll repeat my advice from past posts. You're going to have to itemize a bill for your uterus. $20K wedding = one grandchild. $40K = two, etc. etc. Once you assign a significant amount to each fertilized egg, they'll realize how important your big day is and start contributing. Work the same deal with FI's parents and you'l have your party paid for in no time!
  • I think it would be best to call your parents and ask them for money they don't have.
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  • You're both young, and I know love doesn't check ID, but if you have to wait a while to save up to pay for the wedding you really want, it won't be the end of the world. 
  • Demand that mommy and daddy refinance a THIRD time to help pay for your pretty princess day.  It's YOUR day and you DESERVE it!
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  • Seriously ladies? All I was asking for was a quick yes or no. The sarcasm and insults are unnecessary.
  • [i]instead of saving for my education or other expenses they piddled it away on frivolous things my parents are in serious credit card debt and refinanced twice in the past year[/i] I'm sure your parents would love to be able to help pay for your wedding, but it sounds like they simply can't.
  • How could you expect a quick yes or no when you gave all sorts of variable information that informed our decisions?ps- we are pretty funny aren't we? :)
  • Yeah, you "almost" feel guilty to ask?Just because you've never asked them for help before, does not mean that you get cart blanche to say "Mommy, Daddy, I need $20,000". Asking for money for your wedding is just a "no go", no matter what your reasons.Whether or not you get help to pay for the wedding, if you're not fully prepared to pay for it yourself, you shouldn't be getting married. Sorry, but marriage is for grown-ups, grown-ups figure out how to budget.

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  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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  • No. 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • K. Fine: no.But that's not really what you wanted either. You wanted a "yes", and you know. You're just not getting that outta me.

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  • Unfortunately, a quick yes or no would not adequately mock the inanity of this idea.  We needed the sarcasm to be effective.
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  • I knew there was a reason I closed my computer for the better part of an hour!
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