Vent So angry!

andyandhillary · November 2009

Long. Prepare yourselves.When I got engaged FILs said they would pay for WHATEVER was traditionally paid for by the groom's family in my family's tradition. Awesome! So I told them, this would include a hefty bar. They usually don't have bars at their weddings. They said it was no problem.Fast forward 6 months later and FI brings up to them wedding costs and they suddenly say that they don't want to pay "thousands of dollars" on a bar anymore and that they will chip in a little and pay fully for the photographer instead. Fine. I'll deal. Thank you for your help. BUT I really wish they had said this sooner. Anywhoodle.Fast forward to last night. FI brings up to his dad about the bar and asking what he thinks he could help. His dad says that because he didn't choose to have the bar and therefore he's not going to pay for it. Angry points:1. Why don't you ever mention these changes to us? Why do we have to bring it up? What if we hadn't brought it up until April? You would just be ok with us suddenly scrambling for thousands of dollars last minute?2. Don't say you're going to do something and then don't. Especially when it is not for financial reasons. I would not have cared at all if you didn't want to pay for the bar at all if you had just said so at the beginning. I would have budgeted and made it work. So....Now I feel awful for having to eventually bring this up to my parents who are paying for 99% of the wedding. I think Andy and I can cover the bar costs, that isn't the problem, but my mom is going to inquire as to what FFIL is doing about wedding payments and I'll have to tell her. She will be livid. I really don't want to start a sh** show in the family right now. I know my parents are going to feel obligated to pay for the bar and I really don't want them to feel like that. Any advice besides having a beer/wine bar only? Any advice on how to deal with my parents and prevent them from freaking out? May I ask/get a general idea of how much a beer/wine bar would cost? I have been trying to contact the coordinator at my reception place for weeks now and have received no answer. I am a sad, sad panda.

TheSaltyPeanut · November 2009

Oh dear... You're my favorite.

pumpkinpumpkin · November 2009

it's way too early for this.... You and your fiance are the ONLY ones responsible for paying for YOUR wedding. You need to tell your mom that, seeing that she'll be livid if your FILs are not contributing. If you and your mom are going to be upset about that, you both need slaps upside the head. Yes, it sucks that they said they would pay for something and then back out, but luckily they didn't wait until last minute. Change your plans and have the wedding YOU can afford to have.

Nebb · November 2009

Welll if your parents are paying for most of the wedding, and your FILs are paying for other parts, why dont you pay for teh bar and call it even?

vicmo5 · November 2009

That sucks. All I can really say is that I think it's a bad idea to tell your mom what his parents are paying for. It's really none of her business.

andyandhillary · November 2009

Ok, do you hate me now because it is long or I sound spoiled? I really want to emphasize that I am NOT asking my parents to cover the costs and that I just needed to know what I had to pay for so I could budget. I really don't think that's unreasonable. I didn't ask for anyone to pay for this wedding nor did I expect anyone to. It is only because they said they would that it messed up things.

danieliza1127 · November 2009

That does suck that his parents are changing things without even telling you guys. If/when your mom asks, just explain that his parents are paying for the photographer now instead of the bar. Your parents shouldn't freak out since his parents are still helping, just changed what they are paying for. They also shouldn't freak out because no one is obligated to help pay for the wedding, his parents have every right to back out completely if they wanted to.As far as the cost of the bar, no one can answer that except your venue. At my venue, I think the wine and beer option was $11 per person and half that for everyone under 21. But every venue is different. If the contact you've been trying to make with your coordinator has been e-mail, pick up the phone and call asap.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

You shouldn't count on money until you have it. You can cut back on the bar, for sure, but it doesn't sound like your FILs are comfortable paying for that. They've offered to cover the cost for something else, which is more than they had to do. Why do your parents have to even be included? They should worry about what they're paying for and nothing else. FI's parents aren't obligated to pay for anything. Neither are your parents. It's very nice that they're able to. Tell your parents its none of their business if they ask what ILs are including. Just as it's none of your ILs business what your parents are contributing. And it sounds like your reception coordinator sucks. I'd be more worried about finding another venue or a different coordinator than I would about who is paying for your bar.

calle28 · November 2009

I would be mad too. They should have told you from the beginning that they didn't feel comfortable paying for the bar. When they changed their minds, they should have told you and your FI immediately. As far as your parents freaking out, you can't control other people's actions or emotions. You should probably tell them soon so they don't feel like you were lying to them. Just tell them what happened and that you and your FI will pay for the bar. I have no idea how much a beer/wine bar would cost.

berryholly · November 2009

I don't think she's upset about having to pay - it's just the principle of it. Don't promise something and then rescind the promise. That's just a sh!tty thing to do in general. That said - OP, you absolutely do not have to tell your mom what the inlaws are contributing. Not her business. Deal with it yourself and don't pull more people into it than necessary.

andyandhillary · November 2009

It's hard to explain but my mother is a very dominant woman. You don't NOT tell her information. She always finds out and then heads roll. For the sake of peace in my family, I have to tell her at some point. I am going to have the bar I can pay for. No worries. I'm responsible. Just upset that I got screwed.

tidetravel · November 2009

but my mom is going to inquire as to what FFIL is doing about wedding payments and I'll have to tell herNo, you don't. It's not polite to talk about financial arrangements with other parties. It's none of her business what your FILs pay for the wedding, regardless of how much your parents are contributing.It does suck that you aren't getting the money that you had planned on, but be sensitive to the fact that there may be several reasons for this:1) they may have intended to pay at the begining, and their financial situation may have changed2) they may not have realized what all was involved in paying for the traditional "the groom's family" contribution 3) they may have felt pressured by you and FI to offer $ when they didn't have it, or want to offer it.And the final lesson here is to never count on promises of money until the check has cleared your bank account.

pumpkinpumpkin · November 2009

a) You don't NOT tell her information.Then don't tell her anything.2) why exactly did you get screwed? you mentioned a few posts above that you know you're the only person responsible for paying for your wedding. iii) you're ridiculous...i was kinda empathizing with you until you mention you got screwed.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

I'm sorry, but your mom sounds rude. It is absolutely inappropriate for her to ask about who is contributing what financially. Tell her "it's covered" and move on.If she wants to find out more information, she can hire a PI. You're enabling her to be controlling and nosy if you give her that information. If she wants to fight with your FILs about their contribution, let her. It's none of your business. She will be the one coming off as superficial, money-grubbing, rude, and immature, unless you get involved. I would warn your FILs that she may ask them how much they're contributing and apologize in advance for her rudeness.

andyandhillary · November 2009

Ok I feel like I got screwed because (foolishly) I counted by chickens before they hatched. I'm screwed because I feel lied to by FFIL. It's very important to me that you follow through on promises. I consider that screwing people over when you don't. Like if I say I am going to pick up a friend instead of meet them somewhere, I should do it. Not tell them 5 min before we're supposed to be somewhere that I'm not doing it because I don't feel like it. That friend is of course responsible to get themselves places but if I offer, I should follow through. I learned a lesson. It sucks, but you learn it at some time. It doesn't mean I can't be bummed though.

tidetravel · November 2009

If she wants to find out more information, she can hire a PI. You're enabling her to be controlling and nosy if you give her that information. If she wants to fight with your FILs about their contribution, let her. It's none of your business. She will be the one coming off as superficial, money-grubbing, rude, and immature, unless you get involved. Took the words rightoutta my mouth

danieliza1127 · November 2009

But they didn't really screw you. They just changed what they're paying for. Instead of paying $2,000 for the bar, they're paying $2,000 for the photographer. I mean that's about it right? The photographer will probably be more expensive than the bar right? So what's the problem?

calle28 · November 2009

Yeah, screwed probably wasn't the right choice of words. They are still helping to pay. But I get that you're upset because they said they would do something and aren't doing it. That's annoying. It's over though and now you know and you have 7 months to plan. Easy!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

Wait, you're still 7 months out? Suck it up. Scrimp and save, pay for what you can afford to have. You are not screwed, not even remotely. Screwed = him telling you the day the bar bill needs to be paid in full.

andyandhillary · November 2009

Oh well actually the photographer is a lot cheaper than the bar. Originally we were paying for that and I put myself on a strict budget and was able to follow it. If the bar is what I'm estimating it's considerably over my original "photographer" budget. When they decided not to pay completely for the bar and would pay for the photographer they said they would make up the differences. As in cover the "extra" of the bar that wasn't in my photographer budget. And, I had already paid a huge chunk of the photographer off prior to the second discussion and they didn't give me the money back. (My FILs, that is.)Not sure if that made sense but I assure you it is far from a "trade off" of items. I wouldn't care at all if it was a close break.

ZRex · November 2009

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I get that you are annoyed on principle, because you would have had no idea they weren't paying until they decided to tell you at some point...which is inconsiderate. Obviously they don't HAVE to pay for anything, but if they told you they would, what were you supposed to do? Just keep acting like no one was helping until they forked over the cash? Sorry if this is a rambling incoherent mess. I have crazy cramps and am doped up on midol.

pumpkinpumpkin · November 2009

did you ever think that something came up and they can't afford to pay for the bar, but perhaps the photographer is more affordable for them?

andyandhillary · November 2009

Ok, maybe screwed isn't the right word but I am definitely not ok. I have a VERY tight life budget. As in I live pay check to pay check. It's not like I can randomly come up with thousands of dollars. I don't go shopping, buy coffee, or go out to eat. Please don't assume you know what my finances are. And before everyone does the "have the wedding you can pay for". I was going to. I was going to have a tiny wedding with immediate family. And then FI and mom decided that sucked and my parents decided to pay for a large chunk but unfortunately cannot cover all of the wedding that THEY wanted. Them. Not me.

TheSaltyPeanut · November 2009

I guess I have very little sympathy for you when you state that your parents are paying for 99% of the wedding and FFIL is paying $2,000 for the photographer instead of the bar. You have it made. Advice for your not having your parents freak out - don't tell them anything about FFIL's contributions. It's none of their business.

andyandhillary · November 2009

Pumpkin (and someone else I forgot?), I definitely would be more than understanding if it was a financial issue. They are well off. As in write huge checks to their all adult children often-well off.

TheSaltyPeanut · November 2009

[i]Wait, you're still 7 months out? Suck it up. Scrimp and save, pay for what you can afford to have. You are not screwed, not even remotely. Screwed = him telling you the day the bar bill needs to be paid in full. [/i] THIS

Night_Sprite · November 2009

I think you need to take a deep breath and look at this situation from outside of it. Here are the facts for an outsider.1. Your family wanted a bigger wedding than you.2. You let your mother steamroll you multiple times.3. You counted chickens before they hatched, although your FILs didn't do exactly what they said.4. You knew going in they didn't like the bar option.Although it is not a great situation, you are still culpable for your actions or inaction.

tidetravel · November 2009

And then FI and mom decided that sucked and my parents decided to pay for a large chunk but unfortunately cannot cover all of the wedding that THEY wanted. Them. Not me. Backbones come in handy in cases like this.And don't start preaching that they are well off, so they OBVIOUSLY have no other reason to not give you money other than to be bitches. Unless you're paying their bills and managing their bank accounts, you have no idea what their financial situation really is. How many times do we tell brides here that they have NO control in how others spend their money? You are not an exception.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

A lot of us live paycheck to paycheck. No one assumed that you have boatloads of money laying around. No one. We just said that you should have the wedding you can afford. Which, in your case, really just means paying for the bar. If you really can't afford even a little bit to set aside each month, then don't have a bar. You'll still be married. Or, if you think a bar is super important, get a part time job. I'd tell you to drop something else, but since you're not paying for anything else, that doesn't really seem like an option.

andyandhillary · November 2009

Tide, I agree. I cannot tell others how to spend their money. Really though, when they are handing out $1,000 checks to their kids somewhat regularly, they are not hurting. You cannot be hurting and be doing that. That does not make sense. Sprite, thanks. It's good to take a step back and look at the situation. I appreciate it. I suppose more than anything it does no good to be mad at FFIL. I'm just not sure about what to do now in regards to my finances and my parents. I feel like there is no way to tell my parents that they can't invite that many people (which makes the food and bar expensive) when they are paying for the food portion. You know? I know that cutting people is the best way to help a budget but I am not sure how I can "do" that. Does that make sense?

tidetravel · November 2009

Really though, when they are handing out $1,000 checks to their kids somewhat regularly, they are not hurting. You cannot be hurting and be doing that. That does not make sense. Just because it doesn't make sense doesn't mean that people don't do it. A lot of people put up fronts, especially to people that they love, because they're embarassed of their situation. Others would give money because they feel like they need to or want to, simply because they love their children, even if it means taking "a little more" out of their savings than they should.

Vent So angry!

Re: Vent So angry!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

*Vent* So angry!

Re: *Vent* So angry!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Vent So angry!

Re: Vent So angry!