Interesting Article

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

By Nancy Gibbs, Time Magazine on the state of the Miss/Ms/Mrs debate today and what this means for the modern woman. http://tinyurl.com/yhazucwAlso, as an after thought, I noticed some one wrote a letter to the editor the week after this ran asking Nancy if she felt the same arbitrary feelings over recieving an engagement ring from her husband as she did about receiving his name. I thought that was an interesting question as well. Why are women ready to accept engagement rings (thousands of dollars the man must pay) but not their husband's names? Is there even a link between the two?

vicmo5 · November 2009

I changed my name. I thought about keeping my maiden name, but I figured laziness wasn't a good enough reason to not accept H's name. However, I didn't change it at work mostly because I didn't want to confuse clients and have to give them a new email address.

opalsky007 · November 2009

I think this all goes back to what Cari said: it's a matter of keeping your own identity. A ring on your finger does not change who you are. To some people, a name does. I'm excited to be taking FI's weird German last name. Hey, no one can pronounce my not-so-weird Irish name anyway, It doesn't change who I am. But for professional reasons (I'm already published), I'm keeping my maiden as a middle name. I don't want to speak at a conference a year or two from now and hear colleagues say, "Who's this talk by? Never heard of her."

laurenclaire1386 · November 2009

I use Ms. exclusively. Unless someone tells me they'd prefer otherwise. It's just cleaner to me because it doesn't denote marital status or age, only sex.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

I think what she says is spot on, women today more than ever are in a position to both exercise option with name change, and just plain old not care about the issue if they so choose.I also do think it is an interesting point that women are willing to take, or expect to take, an item as expensive as a diamond ring without hestitation. But then, the whole name change thing can be an issue of independance and being your own woman? Just buy your own ring then? Playing devils advocate here.

sarah0725 · November 2009

I don't think that engagement rings and the whole name issue should necessarily be connected. A guy who would write a letter like that is probably trying to use feminism to get out of getting an engagement ring.That said, I certainly would not have accepted the idea of FI spending thousands of dollars on a ring for me. Mine cost considerably less than that, and I still feel that this is an ideological choice rather than a practical one. I abhor the elements of society that would judge my FI's love for me based on the amount he spent on my ring.On the name issue, personally and professionally I'm not going to change mine, because I'm planning on publishing and being recognized in the academic world, and my name is much more distinctive than my name would be with FI's last name. But if someone calls me Mrs. FIName at my kids' school or something, I'm certainly not going to be upset.

NicoleSahara · November 2009

Hmm. I just typed out my whole response and then got a stupid error message from the knot. And know I don't want to write it again. But I will say, I didn't feel like taking on my husband's name made me lose any part of myself. I was really happy to take on his name.

Brie2010 · November 2009

I'm taking FI's last name. I am not close with my dad's family and I don't really have any attachment to that last name, and it is annoying because it's also a first name and I'm constantly having professional contacts refer to me by it. And FI's name sounds better with my first name.My first name is after my mother (combo of her maiden and middle names), my middle name is after my father (feminized version of his first name) and soon my last name will be the same as my FI's. I can't think of anything more awesome than having the names of the three people I love the most. I'm still myself, and I'm certainly not FI's property after we're married.

sarah0725 · November 2009

Oh, and professionally, I'm going to mainly be known as Dr. or Professor MyName. I like that because it totally avoids the whole Miss/Ms/Mrs issue, and because I like that I can claim a unisex title of address.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

Personally, I didn't have a reason not to take Mike's last name because I simply didn't care. He did. He wanted me to take his name. OK by me. If anything, having a ring on my finger changes 'who I am' to me much more than any name. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet but the intimacy, trust, companionship and promises the rings on my hand represent are much more important to me than a notion of having my identity assumed in my husband's name.

Brie2010 · November 2009

I should add that I've also been professionally published under my maiden name. I doubt anyone will think I have less academic street cred if I say, "Yes, I published X article but I've since gotten married and changed my name." I don't think people will fail to believe that I wrote the article, and it's not like I have a fan club that's going to forsake me or anything.

NicoleSahara · November 2009

Meaghan, I agree with you completely and like how you put that.

laurenclaire1386 · November 2009

Meaghan, my FI was the same way. I didn't really care and hadn't planned to change my name because it wasn't that big a deal to me. My mom didn't change hers and it wasn't a big deal to my dad. And that was her reasoning: if my dad had really cared, she would have changed it. Since FI really cares, and I don't, I'm changing it.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

I should add that I've also been professionally published under my maiden name. I doubt anyone will think I have less academic street cred if I say, "Yes, I published X article but I've since gotten married and changed my name." I don't think people will fail to believe that I wrote the article, and it's not like I have a fan club that's going to forsake me or anything. I think this is awesome if it is true for you. However, the field I was in was a HUGE old boys network and my name definitely would have mattered a lot more to me had I decided to seriously persue a doctorate.

andyandhillary · November 2009

I didn't read the article (laaaazy) but I am changing to FIs last name. Both of our names are hard to pronounce so it was a toss up. I just like the thought of being Mrs. Andy X. Cheesey. I'm not established, though, so it doesn't really cause any problems for me. If I was established I probably would have kept my name. My mom was sad and wishes I would use a hyphen but two ridiculous names does not make it ok. Or nice for people.

tenofcups4me · November 2009

As such articles go, I actually thought this one was pretty un-interesting. She apparently doesn't care what her name is and neither do her friends. Woo-hoo, let's assume no one else does either. Poor logic. Then again, she pretty much lost with me with her flawed logic right at the beginning: [i]I never understood why, from the perspective of fighting the patriarchy, it was somehow more liberated to bear your father's name than your husband's, especially since you choose your husband and inherit your father. [/i] Does she really not see the difference between keeping her OWN name, the one she's been known by her entire life, vs. giving it up and changing it to her husband's name to signify marriage? I have to believe she does -- after all, she didn't change her name. To me, the whole article just comes off as she's intentionally trying to be too cool to care.

kikibaby · November 2009

I didn't want to change mine, but FI was really hurt when I said that. He thinks it's just part of being a family- like, if we and our children all have the same last name, that's part of a family to him. So, I'll do it since it's important to him and I wasn't adamant about NOT changing it.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

I couldn't wait to take H's last name. For me, it's another commitment to unifying our family with the same last name. I'm sure if I had a huge issue with giving up my name, H would have taken my name. We both have the same feelings on sharing a last name. You can call me Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock and I'm still the same person. My name doesn't give me a bit of my identity, other than it's a random word used to gain my attention. I've never felt my name made me unique or special, or really had anything to do with my idenity. It's just a name. If you base your identity solely on a name, I think you have some bigger fish to fry. By soley, I mean that you think you would lose your idenity if you changed your name. I personally think the only thing you're losing is an IDENTIFIER. That's not to say people who keep their names for whatever reason are wrong, or don't have their valid reasons - I really don't care what others do. What I'm not a fan of is people who tell me I shouldn't have changed my name because I'm a professional or I'll lose my indentity. BS.

BecW2be · November 2009

I took my maiden name back when I got divorced, because it was important to me to have it back. I didn't want to share anything with EX, including my last name. I love my new last name because it unifies me and DH, and he goes by his last name in his professional world. It's like you guys calling him Mr. Bec, but it's my real name now. The fact that my new married name is prettier to write than my maiden name, and I love how people yell at me like they're Dennis the Menace are just bonuses.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

Another point: I think it is interesting many of us identify our maiden names with our father as opposed to our family (mom, dad, siblings etc.) I definitely get why we do that, I certainly do, but My mother is just as must Mary Mymadienname and my dad is Mike MyMaidenname.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

To me, the whole article just comes off as she's intentionally trying to be too cool to care. Ha! Agreed. I wonder if she is smart enough to make that the ultimate irony of the piece, or if it was one big fail.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

I never understood why, from the perspective of fighting the patriarchy, it was somehow more liberated to bear your father's name than your husband's, especially since you choose your husband and inherit your father. Does she really not see the difference between keeping her OWN name, the one she's been known by her entire life, vs. giving it up and changing it to her husband's name to signify marriage?This is only true for so long though. When my mom and dad split, my mom was adament about not changing her name back to her maiden name. She put it very simply "I've used my married name for more years that I've been alive than I did my maiden name. This is my name." I've been a Vogt for all of three weeks. I already feel like this is my OWN name. Yes, I was known by another name for 27 years before this, but that isn't my name anymore.

kate51485 · November 2009

I don't have any particular affinity for my maiden name, and it means a lot to me to be able to share a last name with my husband and children when we have them. Professionally, I will use my married name, but likely will go by Ms. simply because I think it's a little sharper and I do not want someone thinking I'm an old Mrs. fuddyduddy who is not credible with the information I may be sending out to the field. If I were in a different career I would probably go by Mrs.

e_jakiela · November 2009

I read that article a couple of days ago and it kinda upset me.... I agree with portions of it, but then, I do love my FIs last name. Had my mom not taken my dad's last name, NO ONE would ever be able to pronounce it... hell, I have a problem spelling it sometimes when I am asked. My last name does not sound Polish, which is who I am, and my identity, so I really don't care that I will now be a Mrs. C with a nice old Italian name. I love my FIs family identy, they are religious, close and really nice. I am happy to take on part of it with my new last name... My identy survives in my accent and my full first name...

missy68 · November 2009

I stayed neutral on the subject, mainly because it was a PITA to get it undone after my first marriage.I still remember when I changed my name after my first marriage, my dad looked at me once and said, "my little girl gave away my name!" And he said it with what sounded like hurt feelings. I loved being a mymaidenname. We're not that notable (well, dad is), but it's well-known at its 'point of origin' if you will, here in the states.Plus, it was a good way to sort of needle DH's aunt who was horrified I might not take his name. ;)He never cared one way or the other, and stated that all along. However, the first time I saw Mrs. hislastname written, I realized, I really wanted to be that. When I got the license from Nevada, and got the paperwork done, I went my his work and showed him my new drivers license, and you should have seen the smile on his face. And, BTW, my dad only said that about his name, because he hated exH. He's totally okay with this one. I'm now Missy maidenname hislastname. And that's awesome.

AdeleDazeem · November 2009

I'm not changing my name - I was very emphatic about this choice from long before I was engaged. I've heard the stories about my parents trying to pick names for their children. I feel like I was born and my parents picked out a lovely name for me. That was the name they gave me and I just *can't* change it. I love my fiance, but my name is my name. Maybe that's silly, but it's how I feel...And Brie, in my field, if you change your name after publishing, your previous papers are lost in a sea of other people. You can't do it. Once you're published with the name, you have to stick with it. I know a girl who published under her married name, got divorced from the jerk and is now stuck publishing under it forever. It sucks!

Anon I. Mouse · November 2009

I did not want an engagement ring (we instead purchased beautiful wedding bands for us both - his actually cost more than mine, and saved a lot of money towards something else we can do!). Part of it is a jewellery thing (don't wear a lot of it) but another is to me it felt odd to impose a custom that comes from the man needing to prove he could afford a wife. My FI and I both mature adults, and he does need to spend money on a fancy ring for me to prove to the world he loves me, or what have you. It does not reflect the dynamics of our relationship, or our own values and views. We also are not much for tradition just for tradition's sake ;)I never thought I would change my name. It is my name, and in past relationships when I considered marrying them, I knew I wanted to keep my name. And then I met FI, and got engaged to FI, and immediately knew I wanted to take his name. And, even though I do not need to legally change it here to use it, I am going to do so. I will say I have a professional career where I use my current name, I have had my name for more than thirty years. FI said it was entirely up to me. And as soon as I knew that I was free to decide what I wanted, I immediately knew I wanted to take his name. He is thrilled.I have no doubt it will be strange at times for me, however my identity is not in my name, it is in me, whatever name I have. It may cause some confusion for clients, and in my career, for a bit, but this will be temporary.I will say, there are aspects of my name I will miss - the simplicity of it, the way it fit with my first, the ease with which I could sign it, the way people thought I was Irish because of it (I am a redhead too). However, I am incredibly excited and feel very comfortable starting a new family with my FI with his name (which is German and often gets pronounced and spelt incorrectly!), and feel a tremendous bond to him in taking his name.

ring_pop · November 2009

Why are women ready to accept engagement rings (thousands of dollars the man must pay) but not their husband's names?Simple. Clever marketing.

fangsiting · November 2009

I absolutely HATE when the choice is phrased as taking the husband's name or keeping your father's name. Why do men have their own names but the women don't? The husband's name is his father's name just like the wife's name is her father's name, but because it's a man, he can have his own name and a woman just borrows the name of a man. No, the choice is between the wife's name and the husband's name. Framing it the other way is just plain sexist. It was hard for me to read her article after she made that stupid comment.

skiingstark · November 2009

I do not think engagement rings and names are tied together. One is a ring on your finger the other is changing you identity. My DH and I are doing something a little different we are both hyphenated are last name. So it will be MyLastName-HisLastName. We both wanted the same last name, so we did this.It was important to me not to lose my last name because of lots of reasons. And I did not want to just move it to the middle because that would be losing it I think. I want it still passed on to my kids.First my dad is the only son and when I was born my grandpa really wanted a boy but never got it, so the last name would die with me. I told my grandpa ever since I was little, I did not have to be boy to continue on the last name. My DH family has two other brothers who can continue the last name. Also my last name has a lot of history. If you go to Jamestown, the oldest spoon was made by a direct relative and the last name on is still the same. If you go to the gift shops around Jamestown or Williamsburg the collections spoons all have replicas of our family spoon. Our family name can be traced through most of American history from Revolutionary War, to Civil War, to the land grab in Texas/Oklahoma, to a famous western Marshal. I am a history major so I am very proud of the history our family has been a part of. So there are a lot of reason why a woman does not want to change her identity and rally do not agree with this article.

fangsiting · November 2009

I also think every woman should go by "Ms." and we should get rid of Miss & Mrs. Your title should have nothing to do with your marital status. I think it's sexist that that differentiation is made to women but not men.

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