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Wedding Etiquette Forum
MISSCOURTNEY20
member
Giving up control
Last night, FH and I were talking about our wedding budget. Since we began planning, he has been giving me money to put into my account and I have been paying the money out. Well, he had a job this weekend and he has yet to give me the money from it. I was so uneasy about not having the money, because I need to know what is going on. When I asked him about it, he said that we will be fine and that he has everything under control.
I have been on my own for more than 10 years, bought my house 5 years ago and have been in total control of everything that concerns me and mine. It was very enlightening in realizing that I don't have to be in total control anymore and I must learn to trust FH.
Anyone else have to learn this lesson? How did you deal with not being in total control?
I have been on my own for more than 10 years, bought my house 5 years ago and have been in total control of everything that concerns me and mine. It was very enlightening in realizing that I don't have to be in total control anymore and I must learn to trust FH.
Anyone else have to learn this lesson? How did you deal with not being in total control?
And the whole time, my future husband was in the room......
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Giving up control
ETA: I don't feel like either one of us has any real 'control'. We put half of our paychecks in our bill account, 1/4 in savings and 1/4 in our personal account. Our personal account is ours to do with as we wish, no questions asked. If we need to dip into savings for something, we discuss it and come to a compromise. But that's only been dipped in to for 'have to haves' like when his truck broke down. Money is just not something for us to argue about, ever.
"You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
ETA: We also agreed VERY early on that if something were to happen between the two of us as a couple that the savings would be split down the middle to the very penny regardless of who felt the contributed what to it.
I will say taht before we got married, H was totally irresponsible with money. So my parents gave me the wedding money and I had control of it. We made a budget and I stuck to it, but he really didn't have any 'control' over that money. However, I never had one concern that he would be irresponsible once we got married. We just don't have the money to be frivolous. We've decided that as we make more and more, more money will go into our personal accounts. But that's totally a percentage of what we make. I just can't see us arguing over this.
We each have different money styles (I'm an uber saver; he's a spender) and merging them is going to be a nightmare. We realize we have to do it eventually, but with both of us having such strict budgets and different things we like to spend money on, keeping separate accounts has kept us sane. One day when money isn't so tight, I think it will be easier.
I understand all to well how you feel, Courtney.
[QUOTE]It took me a long time to finally get past the anxiety of not being in control of the money, but to be honest I love it now! I don't have to worry about what bills need paid, what needs put into savings, but I do get a say in things we buy for the family and have full access to all of the money. We BOTH get the same allowance each pay check and whatever's left goes to bills and savings. It works out so great and our savings has sored compared to when we were trying to do the you pay, then I'll pay and then we split this. We are 100% combined and it makes a huge difference. ETA: We also agreed VERY early on that if something were to happen between the two of us as a couple that the savings would be split down the middle to the very penny regardless of who felt the contributed what to it.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
Is your allowance based on a percentage or you just get a set amount each paycheck? Eventually H is going to be making probably triple what I make and I don't know how we're going to do it then. Right now, it's fairly even so the 25% works really well.
Once he's working again, I'd like to eventually have the set up that LVB has where we put a percentage of our paychecks into savings, a bill account and personal accounts.
ttc chart
BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Giving up control : Is your allowance based on a percentage or you just get a set amount each paycheck? Eventually H is going to be making probably triple what I make and I don't know how we're going to do it then. Right now, it's fairly even so the 25% works really well.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
Right now it's a strict dollar amount because we just bought a car in cash and want to build our savings back up. We're also paying on school loans (for him) and a hand surgery he had where the insurance was an a$$ about and didn't cover ....... apparently severing a tendon in your hand by a piece of dirty broken glass is NOT an emergency and will not be covered (ASSSSSESS) It makes me mad thinking about it. So anyhow - I'm not sure if we'd ever do a % though, maybe increase the dollar amount. He makes more then I do right now but since we combine everything he doesn't try to get a bigger "allowance"
I hate using the word allowance, it sounds so controlling.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Giving up control : Right now it's a strict dollar amount because we just bought a car in cash and want to build our savings back up. We're also paying on school loans (for him) and a hand surgery he had where the insurance was an a$$ about and didn't cover ....... apparently severing a tendon in your hand by a piece of dirty broken glass is NOT an emergency and will not be covered (ASSSSSESS) It makes me mad thinking about it. So anyhow - I'm not sure if we'd ever do a % though, maybe increase the dollar amount. He makes more then I do right now but since we combine everything he doesn't try to get a bigger "allowance"<strong> I hate using the word allowance, it sounds so controlling.
</strong>Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
I could see that feeling icky if maybe he worked and you didn't and just you got an allowance, but the way I see it right now, this is what we're allowing ourselves to spend.
[QUOTE]Now we have no credit card debt at all, no car payments, and a savings account with actual money in it.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
Sigh, this is my goal. We've got the no credit card debt and savings account with actual money, but we've both bought new cars in the past two years. I bought mine just before I had my "financial awakening" where I decided I never want to have a car payment ever again. So I'm counting down the days until that's gone.
ttc chart
BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
[QUOTE]I really can't see it working any other way. I guess that's my 'control' coming through. I need to actually see all the money. I have complete online access to everything. So I get to see that this amount goes into savings/bills/our account. I don't think I would like not knowing what H has in his account.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
I personally think seeing everything makes a HUGE difference........we couldn't get our sh*t together financially until we both got access online to see everything and transfer money around accounts freely online. I would recommend it that way to everyone if they'd listen.
[QUOTE]I think it's fascinating to read how other people handle money in a relationship. As with most things when a human being is involved, there is no one answer that works for everyone. For those with completely combined households, which we also have, I have one small suggestion: do think about keeping an account in your own name, be it a checking account or a no-balance credit card. In case anything ever happens to your SO or to your relationship, you want to make sure you have your own credit rating. My MIL learned this the hard way when she tried to open an account in her own name after 20 years of everything being in FIL's name.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
We have separate checking accounts but my name is on his and his name is on mine, so that I can transfer money freely. He does have a credit card in his own name without mine that has no balance, and I have a credit card in my own name without his on it. You make a really good point, I had never thought of it in that way before.
J and I have a household joint account and savings account that pays for all of our common bills, then we each have an account that we use for our separate bills and "mad" money (and gifts, boy weekends, etc). You just have to put your faith in his ability (and he in yours) to make it work. And then honor that.
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
I haven't given up control yet, either. B and I still have totally seperate accounts. We still split the check when we go out to eat. I know it's a little ridiculous sometimes, but I just can't imagine not having my own accounts and keeping track of just my own money. It's weird.