She dropped out - but now wants back in?

LDYGTR13 · June 2010

My FSIL got pregnant and will be about 6.5 months pregnant on our wedding day. I told her I'd love for her to still be a bridesmaid and I wouldn't mind at all if she was pregnant. A few days later she said "I dont want to be the fat a** in your bridal party and I dont want everyone looking at me when I'm fat." (She gained 70lbs with her last baby and is worried she'll do it again this time). She also told me that she no longer wanted to be in the wedding and *SHE TOLD ME* to replace her. I didn't want to replace her, but she came up with an idea of someone who had really wanted to be in the wedding, so we went ahead and replaced her.

FI and I felt horrible about not having FSIL in the wedding anymore and we at least wanted her to feel like she was an important part of our day so we decided that we would purchase a maternity dress in the wedding colors for her to wear to the wedding and that she would have the title of "Honorary Bridesmaid." After we paid for her dress she said "I'm so happy I'm back in the wedding! I was really hoping that you would change your mind and be okay with me being in the wedding!"

I didn't kick her out! She did it on her own free will - SHE found her replacement! I'm confused. Do I just go with it and make her a "real" bridesmaid again...or do I go with what the originally wanted? I know sides don't have to be equal, but I'm anal about symmetry so this means we'd also have to get another guy to be in the wedding. *sigh*

frogurt814 · June 2010

Well you shouldn't have picked a replacement bridesmaid to begin with. Now that you have, you cannot kick out the replacement BM so that your sides will be even.

No one cares about even sides, and I really don't understand when people use "I'm really anal about symmetry." Just get over it.

What's important is that you have the people you care most about standing next to you.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

It sounds to me like prego hormones took over and she was feeling upset about her weight/looks and made a rash decision. No one compelled you to accept her replacement. Even sides are becoming the exception rather than the norm--you won't count heads but you will regret keeping someone out who you really wanted there.

Of course you ask her back. She's going to be family--why wouldn't you do it?

Oh and BTW, DH is REALLY anal about symmetry and even he was perfectly fine with uneven sides. To keep someone out for that reason implies to me that you put form over substance to the degree that you've lost sight of the meaning of the wedding and have no business getting married. However, I don't think you're that person. So I have faith you'll do the right thing

CTGirl30 · June 2010

Let FSIL back in and she'll wear teh maternity dress and be lovely. One of my BMs was 8 months pregnant with twins on my wedding day, as big as a house, and she looked gorgeous - and she somehow managed to get down on the dance floor and impress everyone that a pregnant woman could move like that!

And let go of this silly notion of even numbers. Don't have your FI ask some guy for the sake of evening out the numbers - he'll know he wasn't a first choice and that feeling sucks. We had 4 girls and 3 guys and everything was just fine. You will be, too.

mbcdefg · June 2010

Let her back in as a bridesmaid, and get over it when it comes to the "symmetry" B.S. You're dealing with people and their feelings, not casting roles in a play.

duckie1905 · June 2010

First of all, "honorary bridesmaid" only applies to a person not in attendance. Otherwise, that's just a BM.

Also, you should not have replaced her. How insulting to both her and the not-good-enough-the-first-time BM.

Give your SIL a break. She was feeling upset and nervous about the potential changes to her body over the next few months. Put her back in the WP and let is go.

Oh and you may be anal about even sides but I'd hope you value people more than numbers and just leave the WP uneven. Your WP aren't props and you need to find a way to deal with your ridiculous notion that sides must be even. Don't punish your WP by leaving people out or adding people for no reason.

blackfire5th · June 2010

You realize that whatever guy you find to fill in the gap is going to be very aware that you are using him as a place filler, right? You can't add someone 4 months before the wedding without that being obvious.

I don't buy your symmetry argument. So let's say that you originally had 4 bridesmaids. So in photos with just you and the bridesmaids you would have 2 on each side. Now that FSIL is back in, you have 5 bms, so oh no, it won't be symmetrical, but you don't seem concerned about that. Or you started with an odd number of bridesmaids, so FSIL is now making that an even number, so you will now have an even number on each side of you. However, this is also showing that you didn't care about symmetry in the first place.

You also state that you did not want to replace FSIL. So if you were okay about not replacing her, then your were going to be okay with uneven sides. So which are you lying about?

Besides, the groom is usually wearing something very similar to the groomsmen, right. So you have you in the big white dress in the middle, 5 girls on one side of you and 5 guys in tuxes (or suit, etc) on the other side of you. Wala, symmetry. Weddings with the same number of attendants on each side actually end up looking off balance.

There you go, have FSIL be a bm again and don't add another guy.

suz62984 · June 2010

I say ignore her comment and keep her as a "honorary bridesmaid." You are way over thinking this.

trix1223 · June 2010

Put her back in the wedding. Stop being so freakin' silly about a random number. Let's just suppose for a moment that one of your WP members, on either side, needs an emergency appendectomy the night before the wedding. Will you call someone to fill in the "slot"?

You'll still be married whether you have symmetrical sides or asymmetrical sides. You're really using a 1950's image of what a WP SHOULD be over people's feelings? Really?

vanessa7889 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:e2a5a92b-d5a1-4783-97ca-ac4a1b2aed54">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE] Besides, the groom is usually wearing something very similar to the groomsmen, right. So you have you in the big white dress in the middle, 5 girls on one side of you and 5 guys in tuxes (or suit, etc) on the other side of you. Wala, symmetry. Weddings with the same number of attendants on each side actually end up looking off balance. There you go, have FSIL be a bm again and don't add another guy.
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

This! This is a great way to put it. It seems you feel the need to be the center of attention anyway, so why not just be the center of the photos taken too? Who cares about even sides. Put yourself in her place, how would you feel if you were replaced and wasn't let back in? Im sure you would feel pretty crappy, wouldn't you?

rainedrop6 · June 2010

I'm also anal about symmetry and we ended up having uneven sides. Everyone said it was something you wouldn't even notice or care about afterwards but whenever I look at the picture of our entire wedding party, it annoys the ever loving crap out of me. Don't get me wrong, Ilove our pics and WP but in all honesty the asymmetry bothers me.

blackfire5th · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:ed9d7091-2abd-4530-9f6f-649163260ecf">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm also anal about symmetry and we ended up having uneven sides. Everyone said it was something you wouldn't even notice or care about afterwards but whenever I look at the picture of our entire wedding party, it annoys the ever loving crap out of me. Don't get me wrong, Ilove our pics and WP but in all honesty the asymmetry bothers me.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not surprised this bothers you. I always figured you were more interested in looks than the people after you told one bride that she should force her sister to wear a dress even though they made her very uncomfortable.</div><div>
</div><div>Something to think about.</div>

LDYGTR13 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:ac34e053-8774-4ea2-9402-c6ff4b26bf73">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well you shouldn't have picked a replacement bridesmaid to begin with. Now that you have, you cannot kick out the replacement BM so that your sides will be even. No one cares about even sides, and I really don't understand when people use "I'm really anal about symmetry." Just get over it. What's important is that you have the people you care most about standing next to you.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

I didn't pick the replacement bridesmaid - a friend of mine had mentioned to FSIL that she would have loved to be in the wedding and and FSIL mentioned it to me when she decided to drop out of the wedding saying that she should replace her. I didn't WANT to fill her spot, I *WANTED* FSIL to stay, but once FSIL was like "well, I'm dropping out of the wedding and I think ________ should take my spot - she said she'd love to do it" I was sorta in a bind - plus, like I said - I'm weird about symmetry. If even if you don't understand it - it's the truth. And I wouldn't DREAM of kicking the new bridesmaid out! That would be horrible!

kelly&wayne · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:35f996bf-3018-44fc-97f9-220a97e0ccd7">She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FSIL got pregnant and will be about 6.5 months pregnant on our wedding day. I told her I'd love for her to still be a bridesmaid and I wouldn't mind at all if she was pregnant. A few days later she said "I dont want to be the fat a** in your bridal party and I dont want everyone looking at me when I'm fat." (She gained 70lbs with her last baby and is worried she'll do it again this time). She also told me that she no longer wanted to be in the wedding and *SHE TOLD ME* to replace her. I didn't want to replace her, but she came up with an idea of someone who had really wanted to be in the wedding, so we went ahead and replaced her. FI and I felt horrible about not having FSIL in the wedding anymore and we at least wanted her to feel like she was an important part of our day so we decided that we would purchase a maternity dress in the wedding colors for her to wear to the wedding and that she would have the title of "Honorary Bridesmaid." After we paid for her dress she said "I'm so happy I'm back in the wedding! I was really hoping that you would change your mind and be okay with me being in the wedding!" I didn't kick her out! She did it on her own free will - SHE found her replacement! I'm confused. Do I just go with it and make her a "real" bridesmaid again...or do I go with what the originally wanted? I know sides don't have to be equal, but I'm anal about symmetry so this means we'd also have to get another guy to be in the wedding. *sigh*
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

You did everything you could to accomodate her. If she told you to replace her, you only followed her wishes. Don't let people on this board make you feel bad for following your friend's wishes. I can understand where she was coming from, especially considering her weight gain in her previous pregnancy, and you were a good friend by not pressuring her to be part of your WP. However, now that she's feeling part of the WP again, I think you do have to include her once again. I'm a little anal about symmetry as well, but I don't think you need to feel pressure to find another GM to match the sides. You'll be able to arrange people nicely for your ceremony and photographs that it won't look awkward.

LDYGTR13 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:6b226c14-3c9c-4ceb-a297-8acec7e59cad">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds to me like prego hormones took over and she was feeling upset about her weight/looks and made a rash decision. No one compelled you to accept her replacement. Even sides are becoming the exception rather than the norm--you won't count heads but you will regret keeping someone out who you really wanted there. Of course you ask her back. She's going to be family--why wouldn't you do it? Oh and BTW, DH is REALLY anal about symmetry and even he was perfectly fine with uneven sides. To keep someone out for that reason implies to me that you put form over substance to the degree that you've lost sight of the meaning of the wedding and have no business getting married. However, I don't think you're that person. So I have faith you'll do the right thing :)
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I think the prego hormones were the problem as well -and honestly I felt sorta backed into a corner when I was given the replacement - now that I'm looking at it again I should have stood my ground about it, but it's too late now. It's not that I dont WANT FSIL back in the wedding - but I was under the impression that everything was gravy and she was just going to be a guest at the wedding and get walked out like the mothers and yada yada - what we were calling an "honorary bridesmaid."

I know the meaning of a wedding - and I realize that it's not a huge deal that things are asymetrical - but my whole life I've been very conscious of asymmetry and it honestly drives me up the wall.

mbcdefg · June 2010

Use this as an opportunity to realize that asymmetry is not a bad thing.

blackfire5th · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:19b5be6f-4c3f-4560-8165-9060cb6ba808">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : I think the prego hormones were the problem as well -and honestly I felt sorta backed into a corner when I was given the replacement - now that I'm looking at it again I should have stood my ground about it, but it's too late now. It's not that I dont WANT FSIL back in the wedding - but I was under the impression that everything was gravy and she was just going to be a guest at the wedding and get walked out like the mothers and yada yada - what we were calling an "honorary bridesmaid." I know the meaning of a wedding - and I realize that it's not a huge deal that things are asymetrical - but my whole life I've been very conscious of asymmetry and it honestly drives me up the wall.
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So how many bridesmaids do you have with or without FSIL? Are you saying you do or do not want her in? This "it's not that I don't want FSIL" is sitting on the fence, pick which side you are on.

<div>
</div></div>

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Do you HONESTLY think, LDY, that when you walk down the aisle to marry your FI you will be distracted by an uneven number of heads on each side? This isn't about having your books alphabetized by author or a photo not exactly centered on the wall. This is about PEOPLE, specifically a person who is going to be your family who wants back into the wedding. Think of the ramifications. Ten years from now, won't you feel so silly that you kept a FAMILY member out of the wedding for the sake of something as dumb as symmetry?

Even WPs are going the way of the dinosaur. Like I said my DH is really anal about symmetry. So is my MIL. They're really bad, like can't-sleep-if-Brooke-left-a-coat-on-the-back-of-a-chair anal. Like must-interrupt-Thanksgiving-dinner-to-have-my-sons-move-the-couch-so-it's-exactly-centered-with-the-rug anal. If THEY didn't even notice the asymmetry, neither will you.

If symmetry TRULY drives your decision, that frankly makes me sad. Because you are putting form over substance. You aren't shallow, so don't make a shallow decision.

LDYGTR13 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:932a8b18-1c78-41e8-95cd-cf26366243e6">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, "honorary bridesmaid" only applies to a person not in attendance. Otherwise, that's just a BM. Also, you should not have replaced her. How insulting to both her and the not-good-enough-the-first-time BM. Give your SIL a break. She was feeling upset and nervous about the potential changes to her body over the next few months. Put her back in the WP and let is go. Oh and you may be anal about even sides but I'd hope you value people more than numbers and just leave the WP uneven. Your WP aren't props and you need to find a way to deal with your ridiculous notion that sides must be even. Don't punish your WP by leaving people out or adding people for no reason.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

First of all "Honorary Bridesmaid" can mean whatever I want it to mean - right? In the words of many Knotties "It's MY wedding! I can do what I want!" ha, sorry. I just had to be a stinker for a second. I've actually had a friend use her FSIL who was uncomfortable standing up with her be an "honorary bridesmaid" who was walked out like a mother and seated. Perhaps "Honorary Bridesmaid" can mean different things to different people? Or maybe I'm just wrong and I'll have to deal w/ that faux pas. Either way, I appreciate your idea of what an "honorary bridesmaid" is.

If you read the OP - it was FSIL's idea to be replaced, she was not insulted at all. The new bridesmaid is very understanding that I was only planning to have 4 bridesmaids and was not insulted in the least when she was not chosen originally. She is now happy to have the opportunity to be in the wedding and is probably the most enthusiastic BM I have, she lives for that stuff.

I DO value people more than numbers, my WP are not props, nor would I ever expect them to be. i just like things to be even - because I'm a crazy person.

LDYGTR13 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:18d37fbf-00f5-4bc1-8bfe-864af776506a">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Use this as an opportunity to realize that asymmetry is not a bad thing.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Looks like I'm going to have to. Thanks.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

I think you're playing with fire. And symmetry isn't one of those things people don't "just understand". Particularly when it means potentially alienating someone with whom you will have contact loooong after the wedding.

Acknowledging that it's shallow and crazy doesn't mean people will be okay with it. In fact it makes it even more off-putting. I urge you to reconsider.

ETA: I posted this before I saw your last response. GL!

mbarnhart · June 2010

Don't let anybody here make you feel bad about what you want to do.

If you want symmetry, then do it.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:b96de543-03d1-4555-8f09-8803ba018071">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't let anybody here make you feel bad about what you want to do. If you want symmetry, then do it.
Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]
:::Headdesk:::

mbarnhart · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:e546b33e-fa03-4ff1-b513-5d811aa8855a">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : :::Headdesk:::
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it's better to be supportive then continue to tell her how wrong she is.</div><div>
</div>

blackfire5th · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:b96de543-03d1-4555-8f09-8803ba018071">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't let anybody here make you feel bad about what you want to do. If you want symmetry, then do it.
Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]

<div>Comments like this get under my skin. Do you even know what a wedding party is? A wedding party is made of your loved ones. Becoming a bride does not make your loved ones props. Treat your family and friends, like, I don't know, your family and friends!</div>

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Telling someone something is a bad idea and trying to save her long-term headaches isn't not being supportive. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for someone. If you want to support every idea someone ever had, the local boards are great for that. But giving advice is what we do here.

mbarnhart · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:fdaee1fb-30e2-4e99-ae80-ffcd77859dd8">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Telling someone something is a bad idea and trying to save her long-term headaches isn't not being supportive. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for someone. If you want to support every idea someone ever had, the local boards are great for that. But giving advice is what we do here.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>Giving advice is great. Giving advice with a holier than thou attitude is not.</div>

bablingbrooke · June 2010

And validating someone just because she's the bride is not advice and not helpful.

I give the advice I give because we had uneven sides and don't regret it, even though my DH was hesitant at first. We're very glad we did what we did. So I'm sharing that and sharing what the long-term effects might be (which many brides dont' think about) and what you truly think about when you get married (which never-married brides can't know).

So it's not holier-than-thou. It's been-there-done-that-here's-the-deal. If you don't like it, you're free to go elsewhere. But I'll thank you not to talk down to me, little sister.

blackfire5th · June 2010

Sad day, no one is answering my questions.

mbarnhart · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:c1427b22-d51d-4874-bc3d-b8758708a73f">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]And validating someone just because she's the bride is not advice and not helpful. I give the advice I give because we had uneven sides and don't regret it, even though my DH was hesitant at first. We're very glad we did what we did. So I'm sharing that and sharing what the long-term effects might be (which many brides dont' think about) and what you truly think about when you get married (which never-married brides can't know). So it's not holier-than-thou. It's been-there-done-that-here's-the-deal. If you don't like it, you're free to go elsewhere. But I'll thank you not to talk down to me, little sister.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>Everyone appreciates been-there-done-that advice but how many times over and over do people need to say it. If she decides not to take your advice then that's it. Continuing to tell her how wrong it is doesn't help anyone. </div><div>
</div><div>The little sister comment is hilarious, by the way.</div>

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:e4e25afe-f377-4fb3-96c6-2a460968337f">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : I think it's better to be supportive then continue to tell her how wrong she is.
Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]

If I'm going to do something that will, without a doubt, have people snarking about me behind my back, I want to know it.

If I'm going to do something that will probably have repercussions with my own family in coming months/years, I want to know it.

But sometimes, people in the midst of the situation can't see what other objective eyes can see. It's like trying to proofread your own writing. You don't see the mistakes, but other eyes do.

This is NOT a validation board. It's a great chance to get objective opinions from people who don't have to be worried abour hurting someone's feelings~thereby promoting honesty and objectivity.

If a poster wants validation, I suggest a local wedding board or wedding wire. Both of those will tell someone that every idea they have is fabulous, cute, clever, and after all, "It's THEIR day and they can do WHATEVER they want."

For me: I prefer honesty.

She dropped out - but now wants back in?

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