Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama

[Deleted User] · December 2010

To make things as easy as possible on my 5 bridesmaids with differing styles and body types, I opted for all to wear little black dresses, and that they could pick their own within a few guidelines so they all go together (same length, similar fabric, etc.). My colors are red, black, and white, and the girls will be carrying white bouquets, so I thought red shoes would be cute with the black dresses as a way of tying them together into a cohesive look without being matchy matchy.

Anyway, this was all fine with everyone or so I thought until we all went shopping together and one of the bridesmaids (we'll call her Tina) announced over lunch that she was going to wear black shoes in front of the other girls. I told her that I would prefer to try to find red shoes that all the girls or at least most of them liked, and if it really can't be done, then I would consider black shoes. Well, evidently, she didn't like that answer because my mom overheard her complaining about it to one of the other girls later in the day.

I wrote her an email basically saying that I thought I was being pretty reasonable and accommodating with wardrobe here, but if she did have a serious issue with the red shoes, then she should discuss it with me rather than complaining to the other bridesmaids. I also told her that I felt like this is really passive-aggressive behavior from her. I sent her that email yesterday and haven't heard a peep. If I don't hear back after a couple of weeks, what do I do? Try calling her? Assume that she's bailing on the wedding? Not trying to be a bridezilla here, but I honestly feel like my request for red shoes was reasonable and that my response to her behavior was appropriate and not overly harsh.

More than just the shoes, I am worried about the passive-aggressive issues getting worse and coming out in other ways. She has had a history of that, especially when she feels like the attention is not all on her. Despite that, I love her and want her to be in the wedding. But I just feel like I need to stick by my guns and not let her run me over.

I have a strong feeling that she will not respond, so I'm not sure what I should do or say next.

Why do weddings bring out the worst in friends?

melissamc2 · December 2010

I don't really think "passive aggressive" describes her behavior. She stated her opinion on the shoe issue directly, you gave your answer, and she complained about it privately to a friend. This sounds like a fairly natural chain of events in life. If she were trying to stage a coup and have all of the other girls go with black, against your wishes, then there'd be a story here. I think the unfortunate part is that your Mother overheard it AND decided to tell you about someone else's private conversation.

You sent the email yesterday, so don't get all worked up just yet about not having an answer. Don't assume anything until you have spoken with her. Perhaps she felt that you confronting her was overly aggressive and is just giving herself an evening to think on her reply so it doesn't end in a fight? You've got 7 months until your wedding, so you're not exactly at DEFCON 2 just yet. If the two of you don't have any other underlying issues, this should be an easy fix. Good luck.

AdeleDazeem · December 2010

Eh, while I don't think your request for red shoes was unreasonable, I think the way you both are handling this situation is wrong.

She doesn't want red shoes and you know it. Why wouldn't you call her up and discuss this situation instead of sending an email? Communication is almost always the problem and by sending an email, you are perpetuating the miscommunication.

Call her up. Ask what the deal is. Ask her if it is the red shoes or the particular style of shoe, etc... If you love her, a phone call should be doable here.

trix1223 · December 2010

If you're suggesting ANY red shoe of the wearer's choice,then I think your BM is being unreasonable. If you're suggesting a specific red shoe that all BM's have to wear, then I think you're being unreasonable.

Let them pick their own shoes, as long as they're red.

mkrupar · December 2010

Ditto Trix. You said "I told her that I would prefer to try to find red shoes that all the girls or at least most of them liked, and if it really can't be done, then I would consider black shoes"

That leads me to believe that you're trying to find matching red shoes for all the BMs. ALL your BMs need to like the shoes they're wearing, not just most of them. Shoes are a very personal thing. People have different feet and can't all wear the same style.

Your mom sounds like a teenager running back to you telling you about a private converstaion held between your two BMs. I would have just let it go and not even sent the email because you yourself weren't privy to that conversation. That to me is more passive aggressive than what your BM did. She outright told you she wanted to wear black shoes. Passive aggressive would have been her emailing you pictures of black shoes.

If you tell her/all the BMs they can choose a red shoe of their liking, then she's being unreasonable.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:909dcdd7-0f76-44f9-b731-884e70204fea">Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]To make things as easy as possible on my 5 bridesmaids with differing styles and body types, I opted for all to wear little black dresses, and that they could pick their own within a few guidelines so they all go together (same length, similar fabric, etc.). My colors are red, black, and white, and the girls will be carrying white bouquets, so I thought red shoes would be cute with the black dresses as a way of tying them together into a cohesive look without being matchy matchy. Anyway, this was all fine with everyone or so I thought until we all went shopping together and one of the bridesmaids (we'll call her Tina) announced over lunch that she was going to wear black shoes in front of the other girls. I told her that I would prefer to try to find red shoes that all the girls or at least most of them liked, and if it really can't be done, then I would consider black shoes. Well, evidently, she didn't like that answer because my mom overheard her complaining about it to one of the other girls later in the day. I wrote her an email basically saying that I thought I was being pretty reasonable and accommodating with wardrobe here, but if she did have a serious issue with the red shoes, then she should discuss it with me rather than complaining to the other bridesmaids. I also told her that I felt like this is really passive-aggressive behavior from her. I sent her that email yesterday and haven't heard a peep. If I don't hear back after a couple of weeks, what do I do? Try calling her? Assume that she's bailing on the wedding? Not trying to be a bridezilla here, but I honestly feel like my request for red shoes was reasonable and that my response to her behavior was appropriate and not overly harsh. More than just the shoes, I am worried about the passive-aggressive issues getting worse and coming out in other ways. She has had a history of that, especially when she feels like the attention is not all on her. Despite that, I love her and want her to be in the wedding. But I just feel like I need to stick by my guns and not let her run me over. I have a strong feeling that she will not respond, so I'm not sure what I should do or say next. Why do weddings bring out the worst in friends?
Posted by princessofmuch[/QUOTE]

Cynthia1207 · December 2010

I don't think your request is unreasonable as long as they get to pick their shoe. I do think that you shouldn't have emailed her. You should have called or spoken to her in person. Things get settled much easier that way and nothing is left to misinterpretation. I say call her and see what's up.

hlq2011 · December 2010

Ditto the other girls. Tell her specifically that she can pick whatever shoes she wants as long as they're red, and see what she says.

Is she wanting to wear black because she doesn't want the expense of buying a new pair of shoes when she can wear a pair she's already got? If it's the money she's concerned with, maybe you guys can work things out if you talk through the problem(s).

zitiqueen · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:909dcdd7-0f76-44f9-b731-884e70204fea">Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]More than just the shoes, I am worried about the passive-aggressive issues getting worse and coming out in other ways. She has had a history of that, especially when she feels like the attention is not all on her. Despite that, I love her and want her to be in the wedding. But I just feel like I need to stick by my guns and not let her run me over. I have a strong feeling that she will not respond, so I'm not sure what I should do or say next. Why do weddings bring out the worst in friends?
Posted by princessofmuch[/QUOTE]

If you're in the "any red shoe" camp, you're not being unreasonable, but you admit you knew what you were signing up for with her; she's not going to change how she's always been just for your wedding.

lalap69 · December 2010

How is she being passive-aggressive when she straight up told you she didn't like the red shoes? This just sounds like you're trying to shut her down, which is actually a passive-aggressive tactic.

You shouldn't have emailed her at all. If you absolutely has to discuss this with her, then you should have picked up the phone. She would be well within her rights to ignore your email. What's she supposed to say to that anyway?

As for the dress and shoes, I think it's great that your'e trying to be flexible and accommodating, but I don't think you're being quite as accommodating as you think you are being. Don't specify a specific shoe. I think it's okay if you're just specifying the colour but even then, since you're not picking a neutral you should have discussed it with your girls first. It can be really hard to find a comfortable shoe in a trendy colour without spending a lot of money. And if she would never wear a red shoe otherwise, then she's not going to want to buy a pair.

Honestly, no one's going to be looking at their feet anyway.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

Maybe suggest that she can borrow a pair of red shoes? I had to wear pink shoes for my sister's wedding, and I DETEST pink, so my mom gave me a pair to wear for the day. (They ended up not being the same shade that all the other girls had, but Sis didn't seem to care.) That way she's not on the hook to pay for shoes she'll never wear again.

But ditto Retread that it's waaaaaaay too soon to be worrying about this. If you're letting them pick their own shoes in the specified color (and if you're not, you should be), she can go to Target the day before the wedding and find something that works. This is not remotely something that needs to be addressed now.

ETA: And as far as the actual color, I think red is probably the easiest non-neutral shoe to find, so she should still have a decent variety of styles and price points to choose from. If you were asking for something like a particular shade of lavender, that would qualify as being difficult.

vicki0508 · December 2010

I think you are over reacting. Has she stood her ground and insisted on wearing black shoes? No. She was just complaining to a friend. For all you know she has acquiesced to the red shoes and now you're just being difficult and getting on her case.

colourz · December 2010

Your request for red shoes was not unreasonable. If she does not want to buy red shoes, that also is not horrible. This should not become a major problem between you and a friend that you love. She was upfront about her feelings. Maybe she can borrow shoes to walk dowm the aisle in, or perhaps they could be your BM gift to her. Either way, it is not worth stressing over. An email was not the best way to handle this. I would have been angry to receive that. You should phone your good friend and express your feelings, but be flexible if need be.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

I would hardly call this "the worst" in friends. It could be much worse. Going down the path of melodrama serves no purpose here.

It would have been reasonable to say, "wear any red shoes." It's unreasonable to say, "buy these specific red shoes." It's not clear from your OP which one you said.

It's really out of line for you to lecture her on being passive-aggressive and saying she can't complain to other people. You're her friend, not her mother. Apologize for being sanctimonious, tell her she can wear whatever color shoes she wants (it's shoes! learn which battles are worth fighting) and say that you're sorry you got worked up about such a small detail. Eat a little dirt--it'll go far in fixing your friendship.

MairePoppy · December 2010

I like your color scheme and think that you are being flexible enough with the dresses. But please don't expect the bms to wear the same shoes. Ask each of them pick red shoes that are comfortable and affordable. To be honest, if any of them decide to wear black shoes, though, it's not worth making an issue of it.

I don't think it was such a good idea to send the email reprimanding her and accusing her of being passive-aggressive. How would you feel if you received that message? It would have been much nicer to ask her in person about it and give her a chance to explain. You should make the first move to call her and clear the air.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

FYI, I wanted them to pick their own red shoes in matching fabric, like patent or satin, etc.

She actually told the other girl later in the day that she was going to wear black shoes no matter what I wanted. My email to her was simple and understanding. I just said that "if you have a conecrn or a problem with the shoes or anything else, please talk to me about it directly and we'll figure out a solution. I just don't appreciate you talking about it with other people behind my back." I really don't think that was wrong of me to say under the circumsatnces.

Anyway, she responded today by calling one of the other bridesmaids and dragging her into it and asking her to call me instead of talking to me herself, which was exactly my concern in the first place. I tried calling her and emailing her, and she has refused to respond to me, but she keeps contacting other bridesmaids trying to drag them into it. She emailed me saying that she doesn't have time to talk about it for the next week or so, but somehow she's made time to call the other girls. This is something small that she could and should have just brought up with me so that we could figure out a solution, and instead, she's creating drama and trying to stir up everyone else.

I had a bad feeling when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that there would be drama, but I figured there would also be drama if I didn't ask her. And here we are. I'm not sure what to do now since she won't talk to me.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

To be clear to those who think I am in the wrong here, I don't care about the darn shoes. Clearly, a friendship is much more important than that. I care that she has a history (which has continued today) of bitching to everyone else about a situation instead of just talking to me about it, which I think it classic passive-aggressive behavior.

Yes, she did raise the issue with me directly once over lunch, and I gave an answer which I thought was reasonable by saying that I would like to try to find red shoes that everyone likes and go together first (each of the girls could pick their own shoes style, of course, just in matching red), and if that doesn't work out, we'll go for black as a back-up plan. I think that her telling the other girl a half hour later that she's going to wear black shoes no matter what I want was rude and very passive-aggressive.

Also, I did offer to let her borrow a cute pair of red patent Stuart Weitzman's a few months ago, since we're the same shoe size. She was telling the other girl that she wanted to borrow my black Louboutins. Ummm, first, that's not what I offered. And second, it's pretty preumptuous to be telling another bridesmaid that she's going to be borrowing my designer shoes.

Cynthia1207 · December 2010

It just seems like a lot of he said-she said. If you don't care about the shoes then just let her wear whatever shoes she wants. Let her talk about whatever it is she wants to talk about with whoever. And no it's not presumptuous of her to say she'd like to borrow your black Louboutins. Did she tell YOU that she was absolutely going to wear THOSE shoes? NO. Did she go in your closet and take them with her and hide them somewhere? NO. It's simply something she said she would like. As Retread said, it's not an issue you need to worry about now. Chances are if she keeps up this behaviour, people will get fed up of her and put her in her place themselves. You just go with the flow and don't bring up the issue anymore.

As for your email, itl was the wrong thing to do, sorry. It just seems very immature to see grown women say things like ''talk behind my back''. High school much? Anyway that's over and done with. Everyone makes mistakes. Just put this issue in the drawer until say 2-3 weeks until the wedding. Really how important are shoes right now? Not much.

MairePoppy · December 2010

We get it, it's not about shoes anymore. It's about 2 impulsive women that cannot hold their tongues (or emails) long enough to think through what they want to say before they say it.

I suspect you have gone through this type of situation with this friend before, and yet you are still friends. What is it about her that you like or love? Try to concentrate on her good qualities, while you take a breather. Your wedding is not until July, you have time to resolve this.

jessshirey · December 2010

For goodness sakes its just shoes! Maybe she doesn't have the money to buy new ones. Mo one is really going to be looking at there feet anyway. I would just this one let it die! if she ends up wearing black its not going to ruin the wedding. Is it really worth fighting over. Pick your baddles and this is not one of them.

And yes your bridesmaids are going to bitch behind your back, it happens. Get over it! For a good part bridesmaids end up shelling out all this money for your wedding, on stuff that they will never wear again.

Also unless you plan on going out and finding matching satin shoes for everyone this is a real pain in the butt for your bridesmainds. I've had a bride tell me and the other MOH that we can all have different shoes, but they have to be the same heal height. Do you know how hard that is. So its the same thing as you saying. " I don't care what shoe style they pick as long as the reds match and there satin"

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

You all sound like you never left junior high. Yeah, she's partially at fault too, but you all seem to default to bitchy drama mode when dealing with each other. If you would try acting like adults and talking face to face, you wouldn't have these issues.

And I think that asking that the shoes be satin is too much, that drastically limits her options. No one will really care if they're wearing bright blue rain boots, so just let them wear any red shoe they want.

marinabreeze · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:0c0e407d-0d02-4cfe-8476-feb10b65c4c1">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE] FYI, <strong>I wanted them to pick their own red shoes in matching fabric, like patent or satin, etc. </strong>She actually told the other girl later in the day that she was going to wear black shoes no matter what I wanted. <strong>My email to her was simple and understanding. I just said that "if you have a conecrn or a problem with the shoes or anything else, please talk to me about it directly and we'll figure out a solution. I just don't appreciate you talking about it with other people behind my back." I really don't think that was wrong of me to say under the circumsatnces. </strong>Anyway, she responded today by calling one of the other bridesmaids and dragging her into it and asking her to call me instead of talking to me herself, which was exactly my concern in the first place. I tried calling her and emailing her, and she has refused to respond to me, but she keeps contacting other bridesmaids trying to drag them into it. She emailed me saying that she doesn't have time to talk about it for the next week or so, but somehow she's made time to call the other girls. This is something small that she could and should have just brought up with me so that we could figure out a solution, and instead, she's creating drama and trying to stir up everyone else. <strong>I had a bad feeling when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that there would be drama, but I figured there would also be drama if I didn't ask her.</strong> And here we are. I'm not sure what to do now since she won't talk to me.
Posted by princessofmuch[/QUOTE]

1. While I agree with Aerin that red is the most common non-neutral color shoe to find, it's still not an easy color to find in all shoe styles and fits. And if you're looking to not only say "any color as long as it's red," but that the BMs must have it in matching material/fabric (patent leather, satin, etc.), that's asking a lot, IMO. No one is going to stare that intently at their shoes that they will notice or care about material/fabric differences in<em> shoes</em>.

2. The problem was not what you said, the problem was that you confronted her via email, which does come off as passive-aggressive on your part. Sometimes electronic written communication does not come off the way we would like, because people interpret the written word differently. It even happens a lot on TK, which I'm sure PPs can attest to. This is why when it comes to confrontation or clarification-based communication with a friend, it's best to do so either over the phone or in person.

3. IMO that's a bad reason to pick a BM, and if you feel that she's drama regardless, I don't understand why you two are still friends, much less why she's in your WP. I still think it stands to reason that since you chose her to be in your WP, you should have had some idea of what you were getting yourself into. And while I think the way she's dealing with the situation is high school, I don't think that your actions have helped the situation thus far.

ETA: As far as the situation is now, I would suggest that you wait it out, and then after everything has calmed down, talk to her in person and figure out what the issue is. I don't think she's in the right for telling everyone else her problem with you -but- you (I've been in that situation before, though not over wedding stuff). However, to stop the drama cycle, waiting it out and then talking to her may be best thing to do in this situation.

lalap69 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:0cf6177f-6dd0-4701-bfa6-e7c53e6dd54d">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]To be clear to those who think I am in the wrong here, I don't care about the darn shoes. Clearly, a friendship is much more important than that. I care that she has a history (which has continued today) of bitching to everyone else about a situation instead of just talking to me about it, which I think it classic passive-aggressive behavior. Yes, she did raise the issue with me directly once over lunch, and I gave an answer which I thought was reasonable by saying that I would like to try to find red shoes that everyone likes and go together first (each of the girls could pick their own shoes style, of course, just in matching red), and if that doesn't work out, we'll go for black as a back-up plan. I think that her telling the other girl a half hour later that she's going to wear black shoes no matter what I want was rude and very passive-aggressive. Also, I did offer to let her borrow a cute pair of red patent Stuart Weitzman's a few months ago, since we're the same shoe size. She was telling the other girl that she wanted to borrow my black Louboutins. Ummm, first, that's not what I offered. And second, it's pretty preumptuous to be telling another bridesmaid that she's going to be borrowing my designer shoes.
Posted by princessofmuch[/QUOTE]
If you don't care about the shoes, then why don't you drop it and let them pick whatever shoes they want?

Specifying that they not only need to get red shoes, but red shoes that you've decided go together is a lot.

As for all the she said-she said, you're acting like you're in high school. If you don't want drama, don't feed it.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:ee3eaf11-c34d-4e93-bc35-36641317858b">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]We get it, it's not about shoes anymore. It's about 2 impulsive women that cannot hold their tongues (or emails) long enough to think through what they want to say before they say it. I suspect you have gone through this type of situation with this friend before, and yet you are still friends. What is it about her that you like or love? Try to concentrate on her good qualities, while you take a breather. Your wedding is not until July, you have time to resolve this.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
I very much agree. Seriously, drop the shoe requirements (no one's looking at the shoes, even you, and I say again--learn to pick your battles) and chill out a bit before you spend any more time talking. Then institute a 30 minute rule: every time you hear something you don't like, wait 30 minutes to respond. You'll be amazed at how much tension will be diffused. Yes, she's at fault too, but she's not on here and you are, so we can only work on what YOU can do to resolve the situation.

vicki0508 · December 2010

*newsflash* girls talk about other girls all the time. I find it hard to believe this is a surprising revelation for you.

And you sure do talk about the shoes a lot for the problem not being about them.

Melanie2012 · December 2010

I do agree that OP should be as flexible as possible, and while the generic red shoe request seems reasonable, the bit about matching fabric would give any BM a headache. But I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say that the BM's behavior is a bit suspect if the story actually went down the way OP said it did. Instead of just talking directly to OP and saying, "You know, this red shoe thing is not working out very well," she decided to announce in front of the entire group, not just her reservations or problems with the red shoe idea, but that she had already made up her mind to not go with it? "While you plebians are wearing red shoes, I'll be wearing black Louboutins, savvy?" Sounds like a snotty attitude.

I agree that shoes ultimately don't matter as much as anyone thinks they will, and also that email is definitely not the way to solve problems like these (by the 5th or 6th reply you'll be wishing a plague upon each other's great-grandchildren) - but this BM seems to be interested in spreading discord, and I sensed that was OP's underlying concern, and the detailed shoe issue was an illustration of it. However, OP, you knew she was prone to drama, and at this point I'm not sure there's much you can do about that - you made your bed.

moonunit2011 · December 2010

I think the problem here is feeling like this is a contest to see who is dominant. I know a wedding is no excuse to start bossing people around and telling them what to do, but traditionally the bridesmaids do wear what the bride asks them to. Its just a fact, tradition, whatever. Some people don't want that for their wedding, and that's fine. But if you agree to be a bridesmaid, you should pretty much expect that the bride is going to choose what you wear, with some input and consideration for what is comfortable/looks good. I'm not saying pick out whatever you want, and they be damned. I'm just saying, it's your big day and it's not asking too much of a GOOD friend to wear a pair of damn shoes that may not be her favorite for one day. If she's going to complain to people and try to make you look bad over shoes, thats her problem. You know why it's her problem? Because none of your other bridesmaids had anything to say about it. I have experience with passive agressive people, and it boils my blood. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I know a lot of people are saying you are overreacting, etc, but i understand that there comes a certain point where its not just accommodating them-- it's between standing your ground or getting run over. It sounds to me like she's trying to see how much she can push you around and get her way on YOUR day. She's taking away your joy by making you worry about something as stupid as shoes. If you are offering to share your shoes, so she doesn't have to buy them, or let her pick out with the only condition that they have to be red, then she has no reason to be a jerk about it. I think you should stand your ground. If it was that unreasonable of a request, all of your bridesmaids would be up in arms, not just her. There's your conviction.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:de4f698b-4352-46be-ad9c-af7a097246ff">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the problem here is feeling like this is a contest to see who is dominant. I know a wedding is no excuse to start bossing people around and telling them what to do, but traditionally the bridesmaids do wear what the bride asks them to. Its just a fact, tradition, whatever. Some people don't want that for their wedding, and that's fine. But if you agree to be a bridesmaid, you should pretty much expect that the bride is going to choose what you wear, with some input and consideration for what is comfortable/looks good. I'm not saying pick out whatever you want, and they be damned. I'm just saying, it's your big day and it's not asking too much of a GOOD friend to wear a pair of damn shoes that may not be her favorite for one day. If she's going to complain to people and try to make you look bad over shoes, thats her problem. You know why it's her problem? Because none of your other bridesmaids had anything to say about it. I have experience with passive agressive people, and it boils my blood. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I know a lot of people are saying you are overreacting, etc, but i understand that there comes a certain point where its not just accommodating them-- <strong>it's between standing your ground or getting run over.</strong> It sounds to me like she's trying to see how much she can push you around and get her way on YOUR day. <strong>She's taking away your joy by making you worry about something as stupid as shoes. </strong>If you are offering to share your shoes, so she doesn't have to buy them, or let her pick out with the only condition that they have to be red, then she has no reason to be a jerk about it. I think you should stand your ground.<strong> If it was that unreasonable of a request, all of your bridesmaids would be up in arms, not just her</strong>. There's your conviction.
Posted by moonunit2011[/QUOTE]
This is a wedding, not a battle for who controls the mountain. Sheesh. Calm down. It's a party. If a party makes you think in these terms, you, the bride, are taking it entirely too seriously.<div>
</div><div>And no, most BMs will shut up when a bride asks them to do something unreasonable. If one BM is complaining over this, you can bet others are just as irked they have to buy a specific pair of shoes they'll never wear again.</div>

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

If the bride is letting her "joy be taken away" by something as stupid as shoes, that's her problem, not the BM's. Giving in on such a miniscule detail isn't being "run over", it's being SANE.

moonunit2011 · December 2010

Not in my opinion. And not if she pulls this crap all the time.

But just so no one tries to tell me how wrong i am, i'll rephrase my advice.

In my OPINION (and i understand that things are rarely right or wrong when they rely on opinion), i don't think you should have to change your vision for this one bridesmaid who is getting her panties in a bundle about shoes.

In my OPINION, if all you are asking about the shoes is that they are red, she is being unreasonable.

In my OPINION, you shouldn't give in to her infantile tantrum.

And maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion because, like i said, i have had to deal with several friends who try to run right over top of me, and i just recently learned that i have to stand my ground, even when it comes to the little things. Or, for that matter, its easier to stand your ground on little things, and that way they can't try to trample you when bigger things come along.

I might sound a little ridiculous, but its because i've been in situations (not wedding related) where people run over me and it took me a long time to find the strength to say "no, in this case things are going to go my way." and i'm not saying you should be some tyrant who demands having your way all the time. Sometimes you do have to give and take, or compromise. But i really don't see why she should have to compromise on this.

Some people are saying "it's only shoes. Just let her wear what she wants." And that's fine. She asked for advice, and in their opinions that is the best advice.

In MY opinion, i don't think she should have to change what color shoes they wear unless she wants to.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

If shoes make or break your wedding vision, you've got more issues than a message board can help you with.

It's not that she should let herself get steamrolled, but it is a matter of picking your battles and judging what's actually important. I wound up changing the color of the BM dresses per the request of the BMs since the original one didn't work out so well. Was totally happy to do it, no regrets, I liked the new color better. I guess from my POV I don't see why shoes matter so much, because objectively they shouldn't. These are all minor details, and every second she spends her energy focused on this, she's not spending it planning or working with her FI on the marriage, which is a helluva lot more important. Sometimes I think it explains the high divorce rate: if you spend your engagement planning your wedding and just assuming the marriage will be fine, you're in for a rude awakening.

If you're getting into screaming matches via email with your BMs, it's time for you to concede because the tie will not go the bride in this scenario. That's not just me, that's everyone who doesn't know "the whole story" (which, by the way, will be everyone). If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to not get drawn into an argument over a pair of damn shoes.

Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama

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