I Might Have to Smack Someone

Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone

• willywally5 member

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  Uffda. You poor girl. That sucks and would surely drive me to drink even more! LOL 

  
  

  Totally feel your pain. Been there with a variety of family members and survived. So listen to me ...
  

  First, I have an exercise for you to do: 

  1) Look into the mirror

  2) Put on your sweetest little 'bless your heart' smile/face

  3) Practice saying,"Thanks so much, (insert whatever you call FMIL here), but we've got that covered." 

  
  

  Once you have that down, move on to varied ways of saying pretty much that same thing. Such as,"Thanks. I'll think about that." or "Aren't you kind? I'll take that into consideration." and "Great idea. I'll run that past FI/mom/whoever and see what they think, too."  I'm sure you get the idea!

  
  

  You might also want to do things to toughen up your tongue, cuz you are gonna have to bite it A LOT in the next 10 months. 

  
  

  Stick to your guns, girl! And remember to BREATHE & also to LAUGH! 

  
  

  Good luck!

  
  

  PS Have FI participate in these exercises with you. He needs to become equally proficient at this skill. 

  
  

  PPS The pig-picking deal for the RD is awful, too. But let it slide. The RD is her baby. At least the E-party is first! Win!  

  

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• 6fsn member

  

  June 2012

  The engagement party and the RD are a year apart.  NOT a big deal.  Let it go.  Most parents of the bride plan the RD anyway.
  
  Telling someone that there are other ways to do things could also be a suggestion not some passive aggressive dig at you and your wedding.
  
  Step back and invite the woman on a few shops trips with you.  It may not be what you want, but she clearly wants to be a party of it.  If the decorations she bought are truly hideous just let her know they don't fit what you had in mind and plan a time to go pick something different.
  
  All that other stuff at the beginning of your post really doesn't mean a whole lot.

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• 6again member

  

  June 2012

  The engagement party and the RD are a year apart. NOT a big deal. Let it go. Most parents of the bride plan the RD anyway.
  
  Telling someone that there are other ways to do things could also be a suggestion not some passive aggressive dig at you and your wedding.
  
  Step back and invite the woman on a few shops trips with you. It may not be what you want, but she clearly wants to be a party of it. If the decorations she bought are truly hideous just let her know they don't fit what you had in mind and plan a time to go pick something different.
  
  All that other stuff at the beginning of your post really doesn't mean a whole lot.

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012

  The engagement party and the rehearsal dinner are nine months apart and the exact same set of people will be invited. Why invite them to the same party within that set of time? Did you have the exact same birthday party every year, with the same menu and same group of people?

  
  

  The stuff in the beginning serves to show how extraordinarily different we are. But let me explain it in a different way. We are practically polar opposites. So maybe it doesn't mean a lot to you, but it's putting a strain on me. The very fact that we aren't getting married in a church is already causing issues in his family. I have to worry that his family will be offended by my gay uncles if they dance together at my wedding. 

  
  

  I can't invite her to shop with me because she lives four hours away. So her remedy is to go shopping in her hometown, buy stuff and send me pictures on my cell phone AFTER the fact. Except the pictures are awful and I can never tell what it is.

  
  

  And oh by the way, now apparently we are traveling to the heart of NC so my fiance's grandmother can throw us a "meet-and-greet shower" so all of her church friend's can meet me. It wouldn't be a problem except I also have to register at Walmart or Belk and lie about us having lived together for the last year. We were planning on doing a honeymoon registry (seeing as how we've already set up house) and maybe doing a traditional registry at Target for a few little things since that's where we shop. But SHE thinks the honeymoon registry is tacky. So I'm supposed to register at places where we don't shop for stuff we don't need or want. 

  
  

  Isn't this supposed to be... my day...? 

  
  

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• MNNEBride member

  

  June 2012

  Compromise and tollerance are excellent traits to take into a marriage.  You and your future MIL are "polar opposites".  You are going to be dealing with her the rest of your married life so you better figure out a way to do that (along with your FI).  Accept her for who she is as you expect her to do with you.  So she wants you to register at Walmart instead of Target.  Surely you can find some things at Walmart you could use.  Heck, Walmart and Target even carry some of the same brands.   Focus on things you have in common (you both love her son!) and this will be much easier.

  

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• dharmabunny member

  

  June 2012

  In Response to Re:I Might Have to Smack Someone:[QUOTE]Compromise and tollerance are excellent traits to take into a marriage.nbsp; You and your future MIL are "polar opposites".nbsp; You are going to be dealing with her the rest of your married life so you better figure out a way to do that along with your FI.nbsp; Accept her for who she is as you expect her to do with you.nbsp; So she wants you to register at Walmart instead of Target.nbsp; Surely you can find some things at Walmart you could use.nbsp; Heck, Walmart and Target even carry some of the same brands.nbsp;nbsp; Focus on things you have in common you both love her son! and this will be much easier. Posted by MNNEBride[/QUOTE]
  
  Bbbbbbut...the MIL could have voted for Santorum in the primaries.

  

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• MNNEBride member

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:10fd79f3-7f8a-471c-9e05-1fe87e07d07b">Re:I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:I Might Have to Smack Someone: Bbbbbbut...the MIL could have voted for Santorum in the primaries.
  Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]
  
  Oh God, you're right!

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  June 2012

  It's supposed to be your and your FI's day...actually.
  
  And also, a HM registry is kind of tacky, IMO. 
  
  And everything MNNE said.

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• MinM

  

  June 2012

  Your MIL sounds like mine. But you need to keep in mind that this is her son's wedding, in addition to your wedding. Weddings are about families. I went out to BFE and registered to places I didn't want to, so my MIL's church friends could meet us. Nobody asked if we had been living together and you know what, if you don't bring it up, it is not a big deal. You really are blowing things out of proportion.
  
  And five years later, I am happy we had her church meet and greet, because when my H's grandfather died, he was buried at the church and all those same folks came to that event. Her church is part of her life and she is trying to include you. You really sound ungrateful here.
  
  Speak with the woman and compromise. Let her decorate all of the church functions and tell her you and your mom will take care of the wedding, but THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Just because you vote one way and she does another, and you drink and she doesn't.....at the end of the day is doesn't mean crap when her dad dies, or your husband gets sick. I know, because I've walked a mile in these shoes.

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  June 2012

  If your MIL decorates something for your wedding, what's the harm?  If it's really hideous, just make sure your photog doesn't get any pics of it.  And even if they do, it's not like you have to frame them or put them in your album.   No one will remember it either.  I promise.  My MIL wanted to 'help' in the same ways and she ended up doing pew flowers and an aisle runner.  These were 2 things I could have cared less about doing, but it made her feel part of the wedding. 
  
  My MIL and I couldn't be more different in a lot of ways and how she deals with stuff sometimes drives me batty, but I've found that a) she doesn't come from a bad place...She comes from a place of love and just wants what's best for me, DH, and our kids and b) knowing what I'm dealing with and not letting it get to me has made me happier and saner.  Yes, my IL's do things that annoy me, but I've learned to just not let myself get worked up over it.  It's hard to be an IL on both sides of the fence.  I'm sure I do stuff that makes my IL's roll their eyes. 

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• gmcr78 member

  

  June 2012

  While I agree with PP's that your FMIL sounds like a controlling pill, I did notice a few things about your post.
  It appears that all of the planning is being done by you and your mother, are you involving your FI at all?  You said your parents are paying for it, but the wedding is still about the both of you, so while they do hold some control, it should really involve you both.
  You mentioned that your FMIL planned the rehearsal dinner with your FI without any input from you.  I'm wondering if they thought this was ok since you and your mom are running away with the rest of the wedding planning.
  Also-I am assuming that your future in-laws are paying for the rehearsal dinner?  If that's the case, you don't really get a whole lot of say in what they're willing to pay for.  if you want to do something different, you'll need to politely turn down her offer and pay for it yourselves.

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• 6again member

  

  June 2012

  Min said some very wonderful things. Take a weekend and go shopping with your MIL for things for the RD.
  
  FYI- hoeneymoon registries ARE tacky.  I do have almost the same bday party every year too.

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• Heffalump member

  

  June 2012

  As I read this, I thought exactly the same thing as 6:  sometimes when someone talks about the way they did something, they're not criticizing.  Maybe she thinks she's being helpful.  Maybe since you have so little in common, she was grasping for topics of conversation.  Maybe she really loved planning for her daughter's wedding the way that you and your mother are, and thinking about her son's wedding reminds her of all those happy times with her daughter.  It comes off that you don't like her and you're looking for things to complain about.  I mean, I've been there, but at least own it, and don't pretend it's all about her and everything she's doing "wrong."  Having two barbecues 9 months apart in that area of the country is not exactly a "smackable" offense.
  
  Also, asking someone to help decorate can be interpreted in different ways, which sounds like it happened here.  So why don't you clarify, rather than excoriating her for having the nerve to choose a cake knife you don't like.

  �

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• willywally5 member

  

  June 2012

  HM registries are tacky, IMHO. 

  
  

  I still think FMIL sounds like a PITA. 

  

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012

  Thanks for all the support guys.

  
  

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  You know what? Let me just say this. This is an extraordinarily important day for me and my fiance. Yes, it is also important for my parents and his parents. However. She is the kind of person who takes over things if you let her. I know this, my fiance knows this, her daughter even told me to be prepared. She went and bought the arch way that we're going to stand under and things to decorate it with. There's no getting around that picture being all over the place. And furthermore, my mom and I have been so excited about shopping for this stuff. She's taking the chance away from my mom to plan and shop for her daughter's wedding. My future MIL got to plan HER daughter's wedding on her own. My mother should be able to have the same chance. 

  
  

  My fiance is pretty simple about the wedding planning - I do all the research and present him with options. He's mostly concerned with food, booze, cake and music. When I ask him about decorations, he says "I trust your judgment". He works 60 hours a week and for the most part doesn't have time to debate teal versus turquoise. His mother knows all this, she raised the boy. He is as involved as he wants to be.

  
  

  I'm not okay with registering for a bunch of junk I don't need. It's just a waste of money. My fiance and I have always been the kind of people to cherish experience more than "stuff" anyway. And seeing as how this is going to be my only wedding, I would like to have a nice honeymoon. Unfortunately we can't afford that right now and likely won't be able to do so for several years to come. We're not asking for a down payment on a house. We're asking that in lieu of another blender or more sheets, people contribute to our honeymoon so that we can take some time after the stress of the wedding and both of us working our asses off to have a nice vacation.

  
  

  I always thought The Knot was a place for brides to support each other, not tell someone their ungrateful. It's HIS wedding and MY wedding. WE have discussed this ad nauseum and we know what we want to do. When she made fleece blankets for our house knowing that my autism causes me to HATE certain fabrics (to the point that I can't touch it) I didn't say a damn word. And when she comes in town and stays at my house without asking and makes snide comments about the way I decorate, I don't say anything about it. When she passes judgment on my family for drinking at social functions, or makes comments about my mother coloring her hair (my mom keeps her hair dark blond, his mother doesn't believe in hair color and leaves it gray), I don't say anything about it. 

  
  

  She didn't just casually mention that her daughter's wedding was something different. I showed her wedding dresses and she said "Oh. Well those are very nice. They're very... um... showy. My daughter's was very simple, appropriate for church." Everything I tell her about our wedding, she compares to her daughter's. "Well we didn't think it was necessary to spend money on catering, we just cooked the food ourselves. It just seems like a waste of money." It seems harmless in text but wouldn't you be a little annoyed if it was the other way around? What if instead of her talking about your bigger budget (which btw isn't that big), what if you had a really tight budget and your future MIL talked about how at HER daughter's wedding they served only Cristal in personally hand-cut glasses? Wouldn't that get tiring after awhile? I am tired of our wedding being compared to her daughter's. The way she says it is what makes it so upsetting.

  
  

  As for the rehearsal dinner, I think the fact that my fiance and I BOTH think it's not cool to do the same thing as the engagement party should really make a difference, don't you? I would be just as upset if my mother started planning and plotting without consulting me and my fiance. And nothing gets bought without my fiance seeing and/or knowing about it first. Nothing gets booked without him seeing it/hearing it/weighing in on it. If she lived twenty minutes away it would be so much easier for me to include his mother in everything we do. Unfortunately that's not the case. I've emailed her pictures of the event house where we're getting married. And I showed her pictures of potential dresses and she will be attending dress shopping trips. We've asked her to give us a guest list for her side of the family. What more can I do? I can't ask her to drive four hours every weekend to shop with my mom and me. It's just not feasible. And I'm not the kind of person who can look at a picture on my crappy cell phone and tell if I like something she's bought, and it's weeks before we can afford to go up to visit her, by which time the item is past it's return date. 

  
  

  So hey guys, thanks for telling me how ungrateful I am. Really makes me love being a part of this site.

  
  

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• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  June 2012

  You asked us for help, and then not only didn't want our help at all, but were actually ANGRY about the help you received. 
  
  I think I can see how your FMIL feels.

  

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• tawillers member

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  It doesn't matter how you defend the HM registry.  It's tacky.  Why can't you just use any monetary gifts to put toward the honeymoon?

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012

  "Stressed out? Ready to smack your FMIL, MOH, or both? Do it! Or tell us all about it and keep your hands to yourself."

  
  

  That's what this board is for. At what point in that first post did I say "Please help me! I don't know what to do! Am I right in this or am I being ungrateful and tacky?!"

  
  

  Oh that's right. I didn't. I wanted to VENT. To get all of this off my chest in what is supposed to be a safe place. I thought the Knot was a place for brides to support other brides. Instead you attack me. The only person who said anything remotely helpful was the first person to respond. Who wants to be told how awful they are as a person? Thanks for all your "help". If I knew how to delete this post, I'd do it. It was silly of me to think I could open up about how I feel about things and hope someone would show me a bit of kindness and understanding.

  
  

  And ReturnOfKuus? That comment was totally uncalled for. Especially because you have absolutely no idea how my future mother in law "feels about me". Another personal attack like that and I'll report you. That was just rude. And tacky.

  
  

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• 6again member

  

  June 2012

  Of course you liked the first response, it was the only one that agreed your MIL is a pill. 

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012

  Okay. You guys are right. I'm such an ungrateful twat. Everyone happy? The Knot won't allow me to delete this post, unfortunately. Carry on bashing me while I carry on planning my wedding. I hope the rest of you have happy marriages and wonderful mothers-in-law.

  
  

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• MinM

  

  June 2012

  You generally can return things off a wedding registry - there is no need for money to be wasted.
  
  And the arch, will be in a SMALL portion of your wedding photos. And guess what's, IT'S MOBILE. Move it for some photos.
  
  Vent, sure. But you are making a big deal out of nothing. I've been there....stand firm, but gentle and you will get through this. Remember you have to spend the rest of your life with this woman as family.

  

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• hwoychowski

  

  June 2012

  I have seen threads of attcking. This is NOT threads of attacking. You need to realize people opinions are going to differ from yours. On this thread and for your wedding. Your FMIL wants to help in the way she knows how. I am sure if you were helping plan a party for her, your suggestions woudl not be on the same line of thinking as hers. Different opinions not right and wrong. Tell her specifics on what you want help with instead of her trying to find something on her own and then you don't like what she did. Whether you like it or not she is trying to be helpful. Open this up so it is not just about you and your mother. Allow her in on a few things adn she will proably calm down and be a helping hand instead of irritating you. As for the Rehearsal Dinner, maybe she is copying it because she knows that if you like it for the engagement party you will like it for a rehearsal dinner. It sounds like is aware that your tastes are different and is doing it to please you. As for the HM registry, it doesn't work like you may think. Its literally collecting $, it is not paying for X or Y specifically. It is quite misleading. I think if it did work in that way it may be more acceptable. The thing about this website is that you will be supported as long as you are open minded, you need to be open to the idea you may just have an altered vision as to what is going on.

  

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• PMeg819 member

  

  June 2012

  This information is coming from people who have been there, done that. My MIL sounds exactly like your MIL. You need to realize that this behavior will be like that for the rest of time you two are married, or she dies. If your response is to get angry that she wants to help in her own way each time something like this comes up and respond with "well she has her own daughter to do this with" then you are in for a lifetime of anger. FYI, she has two kids- your FI is also her son. Just because she planned a wedding for her daughter does not mean she's less excited for her son or thinks that she doens't want to be involved. The same will hold for babies or other large life moments.
  
  And FFS, for the archway, have two or something. Stop throwing a hissy fit over how the pictures look. I am here to tell you that other than a good 20 pictures, you will not be looking back them and going "oh fark, that is so ugly" all the time. You will look at them maybe once or twice after the wedding, choose your favorites and move on.

  
  

  I'm not saying you have to let her in and take over. You can deal with this in a polite way (give her something you are okay with her working on like making favors or something).

  
  

  Lastly, as a guest I would be thrilled to have two parties were good BBQ is served. Other than you, no one will care because it will be several months apart.

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• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  June 2012

  I think we need to go back to this point.
  
  When we asked her to "help decorate" we meant that once we (my mother and I) get everything we want, we would like her to help us set it up and make it look nice at the site.
  
  You should have been clear with her about what "help decorate" means. You want a worker bee that will keep all of her opinions to herself. She thinks she is helping to decorate. It's time y'all all sit down and talk.
  
  

  

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• TKzilla member

  

  June 2012

  I really do love her. But right now I'm stressed out and frustrated. I probably would've been better off finding a cave to yell all of this into. I'm not looking for people to nod their heads and say "Yes Courtney, you're so right and she's SO evil I can't believe how awful she is!" Because she's not. She's just a little OVERLY helpful. And she has this habit of taking control of things. It's always been okay for her to do that in HER family, but it's not okay for her to do that with this event. It's just not. My mom is upset because she feels like she's being stepped over but my mom's only talked to her twice in our two-and-a-half year relationship. She doesn't feel like she should say anything. 

  
  

  My plan is this: fiance and I are going to tell her that since we're doing a barbeque for the engagement party (and it's so planned that invitations are going out at the end of the week), we'd like to do something a little different. I don't know if they can't afford to take everyone to a restaraunt, maybe we could do fried chicken instead. Then it'd be SIMILAR but not exactly the same.

  
  

  As for the registry, we're going forward with the honeymoon registry. If our guests think it's tacky, that's okay. We'll set up a registry at Target for people who aren't internet savvy and/or don't find the idea acceptable. We'll register for luggage, maybe some slightly-more-formal serveware, some sheets. Maybe home decor. I don't know. We'll figure it out. For the meet-and-greet thing, we'll do a pantry party. There's a lot of that in the South - people come and bring staples for the newlyweds' pantry. We can always use food; my fiance eats like there's no tomorrow lol

  
  

  As for the decorations, I'm going to tell her to send her pictures to her son's phone because his is better quality and I can see better. I'm also going to tell her that there are certain things my mother wants to buy (like the arch). If I don't like it, I'm just going to tell her we already have it. Not a matter of taste, just a matter of timing. We already got it but thanks for looking.

  
  

  See? Problem solved. Thanks for all your help.

  
  

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• PMeg819 member

  

  June 2012

  Yes, problem solved. So why did you bother with all of this? FFS, you are into creating stress and drama for yourself.

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• MinM

  

  June 2012

  Also, you are providing free food to people. If they complain, you need new friends.

  

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• ElleB87 member

  

  June 2012

  Wow...I know I'm a little late to this party but OP you sound like a real peach. It sounds like your MIL is honestly trying to help you and you're figuratively slapping her in the face for it. Most people come here complaining about not getting enough help with wedding planning and feeling alone when here you are turning away several gracious gestures. 
  
  Like you said, FMIL is a god-fearing conservative southerner, which means you probably knew how she'd feel about certain dress styles in a church setting. That's just part of who she is and she's entitled to her opinion, just like you're entitled to let in go in one ear and out the other.
  
  I really don't think anyone would notice or care if both you engagement party and rehersal dinner were BBQ style. I do think everyone will notice and care about how rude and tacky honeymoon registries are though. Good luck with that.

  

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• willywally5 member

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:80026fce-2df6-4d96-a6df-758bcbd12d57">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
  [QUOTE]Of course you liked the first response, it was the only one that agreed your MIL is a pill. 
  Posted by 6again[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>
  </div><div>FTR, I <strong>do </strong>think FMIL is  pill BUT also told OP she needs to ready herself for politely telling her FMIL to butt out. And it appears she will be in for a liftetime of this, IMO, so she'd better get darn good at it. When you marry, you get their family too. That is part of marrying a guy who isn't an orphan.</div><div>
  </div><div>From all OP has written about FMIL, it sounds to me she is attempting to butt in where she doesn't belong. The constant comparisons to how she threw a wedding for her daughter would make me nuts. </div><div>
  </div><div>Buying an archway or any other decor for a wedding she isn't throwing is out of line, IMO. You don't purchase parts of the main decor for someone without consulting them, particularly when you don't have the same sense of style which is clearly obvious by the way she reportedly talks down pretty much every idea OP shares with her. OP should have made it more clear to her FMIL, I guess, because this lady is apparently gonna run with any little bit of leeway she is given.</div><div>
  </div><div>As I said before, HM registries are tacky. If you are registering at Target, the people who want to buy you actual tangible gifts can do so. If your registry is small, the majority of the people will get it that what you really want is cash. But you don't ask for it. </div><div>
  </div><div>While I do agree OP has a legitimate gripe with her FMIL, I don't understand all the hostility. There is some excellent advice here. Don't get pissy when you ask for it and people answer. </div>

  

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