Extremely Lazy Groom

DREAMINWTHCOLORS · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_extremely-lazy-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:dfbf1898-1194-43af-9130-1acd12c2a87bPost:13a3a627-ab49-4941-b894-7179bf5ae54e">Re: Extremely Lazy Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually siding with you on this one. I hate the excuse that "men will be men" and to ask them to to contribute input or expect any sort of assistance with the planning would be going agaisnt his "traditional gender role". For brides who have a limited budget or are expecting a lot of DIY projects the idea of waiting to begin the planning process can be even more stressful. I wouldnt go so far as to say that just because your partner, at this moment ,is not as gung ho about the planning process means that he wont ever be, but I totally get your frusteration that if you have a year to plan and you cant get him to help you out now, whats to mean that he will be more helpful a few months down the road?

Try to respect that his spare time is spread so thin, but in my opinion, don't allow him to get away with not helping you plan simply because "he's just a guy."[QUOTE]

[QUOTE]You know, I'm kind of surprised by the majority of the replies. It sounds as though she works full time and he works and goes to school. So neither of them have a lot of free time. It's not like in a few months everything will change and they'll have all the time in the world to plan their wedding. The only thing that will change is they have less time until the wedding. You can't possibly assert from her one post that she is crazy, controlling or nagging the FI all the time. How many of you when actually planning did not ever get stressed out? Or wish you had more time? Or wish you had more help? To say "oh I did it all by myself and loved it and got it all done in a couple of months" is completely unrealistic. Why shouldn't men be involved in planning a wedding? Why do they get excused for not wanting to help or complaining about it? Because they're men? Also, to say "relax, you have a whole year" doesn't do much either. We have no idea what kind of ceremony and reception she's planning. She could have 600 guests or be doing all DIY stuff. I do think she would get some good from taking a break from it all and doing something fun and wedding-unrelated with her fiance, but I understand her frustrations.
Posted by smart0n[/QUOTE]

I agree with these. Most of the people posting telling her she's overdoing it just calm down and stuff like that don't know her WHOLE situation so they shouldn't be putting her down like that telling her she's wrong. Also yea ok guys are guys but thats no excuse hes getting married here too not just her.

MrsPowers2Be · October 2010

You sound like an event girl. Everything is about the event.

It's about the going to the gym, not the results.
It's about the date, not the relationship.
It's about the folding of the laundry, not creating a home.
It's about the wedding, not the marriage.

Sweetheart you have got to settle down. Why not invite him to go to the gym with you? My fiance and I work out together everyday. That is how we stay connected. We both are in school, working full time jobs, planning a wedding, keeping up with the house, and we have a three year old. Whenever we put our running shoes on, that's the time we do nothing but be together. We don't talk about work, the wedding, or anything else. We just run. Our runs are the only thing that keep me sane right now. You have to remember why you want to marry this guy in the first place. I am marrying my best friend.

Also, why not just elope if you are under so much stress about a wedding? you don't HAVE to have a wedding to get married.

Madsen00 · October 2010

Hey Megan - Mine is kinda the same way, only mine is a farmer and is done now for the season - he doesn't care what goes on, and doesn't want to help. NOTHING. But to be honest, I'm OK with that, and I understand why your not. Its nice to get a little help! I had my mom or bridesmaids go with me for vendors, and that was perfect! Cause i know if i would have brought him along he would have complained the WHOLE time! Then his crabby attitude would have made me crabby, so on and so forth. So i choose not to bring him with, and as long as i kinda tell him what I'm doing and where things stand, he's ok with it. We got engaged the end of Sept, I have already asked my girls and he hasn't even picked his. I gave him a month - which ends today. We'll see what happens!

As for him not wanting to go to the gym - I'd say quit reminding him (or remind him randomly), and if he doesn't get there, and he sees the pictures after the fact - you can say 'I told you so" ha ha ha. Anyway - don't get to stressed, you have lots of time! GOOD LUCK and BEST WISHES!!!

alpesklevy · October 2010

Thankfully my Fiance is not that lazy! I usually look up the places/vendors whoever and get all that information and set up meetings then we both go and talk to the people (I think he just wants to make sure I don't over-pay for anything). For you, though, I think he's taking advantage of the fact that you seem to have everything under control and that if he waits long enough, you'll do everything you asked him to do. I say ask him every few days if he's started doing the thing you asked him. He's acting like a baby and this isn't YOUR wedding, it's HIS TOO- so remind him of that. You've asked him to do very little so it shouldn't be a problem. I am lucky because my Fiance knows more people who've been married in this city and has been asking them where they went for flower and invites.... so he's been very good about getting information, sometimes it takes us a while to go and talk to the people, but it's usually a matter of officially marking it on the calendar and reminding him/me sometime the week before.

I say sit down and ask him why he feels it necessary to complain and remind him that your marriage can't work this way. You aren't planning to do all the work while he sits on his butt after work do you? Of course not! As for attending church, my friend went without her Husband and that worked.

Good luck, and be firm ("nag" if you need to and push him to help out)

getafisk · October 2010

It seems that you're taking things a bit too seriously. This is supposed to be the most important, yet most fun day of your lives to this point. If you do nothing but nag and harp on your hubby-to-be, he's going to end up resenting you and the wedding in the long-run, if that hasn't already happened. Slow down, take a breath, and enjoy the ride. This is the only time in your life you'll have to make these kinds of plans, so sit with your fiance and let him know that he's important to the planning.

Quite frankly, by doing everything for him, you're enabling him to get away with things that annoy you. So what if his laundry sits for a week in a crumpled up mess? He will eventually get the hint that you're not his servant! Sitting down to have a good old conversation would probably help move the situation to a place where you can both be satisfied! You may also consider starting some pre-marital counseling now so you can get some help with the things that are bothering you. After all, you've got a year to get it together! That's plenty of time!

Good luck!

AEbabe007 · November 2010

Megan,

Most men aren't interested in wedding planning. To them, this is a girl thing and they want to leave it up to us to plan. Some men are more involved than others. Some men actually care about what vendors you book and other's trust us to pick good vendors and don't want to be carted around to all these meetings when they have better things to do.

I'm on my second marriage. This is my second time planning a wedding and I've helped friends plan their weddings as well. I planned my first wedding completely by myself (and it was a big one....and it all got done...and I received many compliments that it was beautiful and the most fun wedding they'd been to, so it can be done). My ex-husband didn't want to do anything and even complained about having to meet the pastor to talk about our relationship. He did it though because he had to, but would have rather stayed at home. My current FI doesn't want to do anything either. He didn't want to talk about decorating the house either. That's woman's work and he'd rather be in the garage working on his toys. This time, my wedding is outside, so there's not as much to plan for the ceremony, but it's still a lot of work. It can be frustrating at times, but all of the choices you have to make aren't as big of a deal as you're making it. You want your wedding to be wonderful and look great and it will. Just take a breath, relax and trust that you can pull it together. A year is plenty of time to get things done. Don't worry about not meeting deadlines as they can be altered. The quicker you get your vendors booked, the less time you have stressing over it, but you will find vendors for every aspect no matter how much time you give yourself. Plenty of people have planned weddings in just a few months and were able to find vendors. If you're having trouble with deciding on a vendor you can trust, ask vendors you're looking into whether they have any referrals. Most vendors will know all of the other vendors in the area and can give you advice on who will do a great job and who won't. For example, a photographer will be able to tell you what dj's are crowd pleasers and which ones don't get the party started. Ask friends and family whether they have any suggestions on vendors. You don't have to take every moment you have planning your wedding either. Take time to enjoy each other and have a little fun. If you find fun things to do with your FI, he may be more receptive to talking about the wedding when you don't bring it up constantly. And keep in mind, to a man, constantly isn't every day or every other day. If you talk about it even once a week, that can be a bit much to him. Men's mind's don't work like a freight train like ours. They are more simple and tend to think that we make things too complicated. If your FI planned the wedding, he'd probably look online for each vendor and just pick the first one he found with a low price and be done with it. Woman tend to fully research not only price but also analyze everything they have to offer and compare them to others.

When trying to get your FI more involved, give him a short list of things you like him to do (and keep it simple) and agree on a date that you both think is reasonable to get it done. And by reasonable, don't give him just a few days or weeks, give him a few months. If he hasn't completed the tast before the deadline, give him a friendly reminder like, "Honey, have you figured out what limo service we're going to use yet? We still have some time, but I wanted to make sure you have the information you need." If he makes any sort of statement that he hasn't done it yet and it's not a big deal, kindly tell him that you'd help him if he'd like. Keeping upbeat tones will keep him off the defensive and telling him you will help will let him know that you're not nagging him but rather want to just get one more thing on the checklist done so you don't have to worry about it anymore. My FI wants to buy a suit for the wedding so he has a new one for other formal occasions. I've suggested a week ago to start looking for one (our wedding is about 7 months away). His response was that he's going to wait until right before the wedding. I let it go because I knew that was a losing battle right now. I didn't nag him about it because I knew he was right, it's not important to really do it now. When it's a month before the wedding, I will lightly suggest he start looking then or soon. I know he will get it done in his own time and he will have one ready to go before the wedding. No need to be on his heals about it.

As far as working out, if he wants to get in shape, he will work on it. Making any sort of inuendo about his weight/tone will just make him angry and not want to do it. My FI is a racer and talks all the time about wanting to lose weight so he can fit into his car. He doesn't work out and I won't push him to. I suggest from time to time that I can go walking with him if he'd like. This lets him know that I'm not nagging him to do it or pushing him. If he wants to, great. If not, he knows that he's only got himself to blame if he doesn't fit in his seat. Perhaps your FI needs a little sweettalk to get motivated. Suggest he go with you to the gym and you can do something fun afterward. If you make excuses for not being able to go with him, then you're just as much to blame because there's always a way to work your schedule so you both can do something together, no matter what your work/school schedules are. You don't need to go together every time, just every once in a while. The more you make things fun for him, he'll be more receptive to doing it.

As for the laundry, you're lucky if he does his at all. Almost all the men I know don't do their own laundry when they settle down. My FI will throw a load in if he's in need of something and he knows I'm too busy to put it in, but 99% of the time, I do it for him. He feels that things in the house is a woman's job and I agreed to marry him so I will have to get used to doing housework alone. If you're having a hard time with accepting that he's making you do all the housework, you need to have a serious conversation before you get married. If he refuses to help you and you can't handle that sacrifice, then you need to evaluate whether he really is the right one or not. It's scary to break up an engagement, but it's also scary to stay in a relationship where you're not happy. He's not going to change unless he really wants to and you can't rely on him changing for you at any point in your life because you ask him to. When I was younger, I had this grand idea that if a guy loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, he'd listen to me when I tell him he needs to do something. Few men will change and it's like talking to a brick wall for most.

I wish you well and hope that you find common ground. Don't stress so much. Your wedding will be beautiful and as long as you focus on the fact that you're marrying the man you love and cherish, the rest will fall into place.

Miracle Cat · November 2010

I know that planning a wedding is stressful - I'm in the midst of doing it myself, but the absolute MOST important thing here is NOT the wedding - it's your relationship with your future husband. There are some fundamental issues that seem to be difficult for both of you to communicate effectively about, for example, your desire to get married by a priest in a church wedding and his reluctance to meet with the priest. It truly sounds to me like it's very important to you to be married by a priest in a church ceremony. It also sounds to me based on your fiance's reluctance to meet with the priest and attend church regularly so that you can be married in a religious ceremony by the priest in the church that this isn't necessarily the most important thing to him. This is something you need to be realistic about for your own sake -

How important is it to you that your wedding be performed in a church by a priest?
Have you and your fiance actually discussed (where it's been a judgement free, no fighting zone) where you and he both stand on religious issues?

If you and your fiance aren't able to agree on religious issues (starting with where you'll get married, how that ceremony will be done and who will perform the ceremony) then have you seriously taken the time to consider whether or not your fiance's feelings on the religion issue are a deal breaker for you?

Would you be willing to consider a compromise that might mean that you don't get married by the priest you have in mind in the church you have in mind, such as a non-denominational ceremony if it would make relations between you and your future husband more peaceful?

Religion is a major issue for some people and ultimately if you want a church wedding performed by a priest and he doesn't place the same importance on the church wedding and religious ceremony that you do then this could potentially be a sign that there are some more serious underlying issues which you and your fiance should have discussed together BEFORE even getting engaged that have somehow been brushed aside.

Personally I can be a bit anal about wanting all of the details to be perfect. We've already gotten the officiant, ceremony venue, reception hall, the actual ceremony, the invitations and other wedding stationary, my dress, some of the decorations for the hall, my wedding jewellery, the wedding party gifts, our photographer, our ceremony musicians, our reception menu, catering, cake, where/how we want our photos done, what we're doing after the short cocktail reception and a whole host of other details figured out. That having been said, there are still things that keep me up at night because I want so badly for everything to be perfect, for everyone to get along and for every part of our big day to go off without a hitch, but the reality is that Murphy's Law still exists and things are likely to go wrong even if I, you or any other bride have our day planned out to the last second and we think that we've accounted for every possible snag that could come up.

It's tough during the planning phase to remember sometimes what your day is going to be all about. This may sound flippant and I don't mean for it to sound offensive but there are a few things that you really should consider doing before you go any further in planning your wedding:

1) You and your fiance need to have a heart to heart talk about every important aspect of life from religious preferences to pet peeves. Discussing future plans is also very important, if there are issues about religious differences at this point then what other issues might come up in the future? Have you discussed basic issues that might turn out to be deal breakers like whether or not you want to have children (how many you'd like, when you'd like them, what sort of birth control you'd like to use in planning your family, etc, etc)? During this chat there's not place for judgement, frustration is okay, but personal attacks are not. Being open and honest with each other is the absolute best thing that you can do for each other before you get married and most definitely being open and honest with each other after you're married will truly mean that you have a lifetime with the love of your life. Marriage is about having common goals, having things in common and complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses. I know that this kind of chat seems really heavy, but to be honest with you it's better to know that there might potentially be compatibility issues now rather than finding this out after you've gotten married, had kids, been fighting for years, have irreparably damaged your relationship and eventually ending up divorced which is a situation where NOBODY comes out a winner. By contrast, once you've talked everything out (don't necessarily count on this happening on one day for an hour and all of the problems being solved, it may take several hours of discussion that happen over several days or even weeks) you will appreciate the relief that comes along with knowing that you and your future spouse are 110% absolutely on the same page about all of the major issues in life and it will make your relationship stronger in the long run.

2) Again this suggestion might come off as being slightly flippant and truly I don't mean it that way, I'm simply drawing on my own life experience and hoping that it's helpful for you. Take some time away from wedding planning for now and focus on yourself. Maybe consider doing something to nurture peace in yourself like taking up yoga or some form of meditation because the anxiety and tension you're dealing with right now just isn't good for you, your relationship with your fiance or your wedding planning. Learning to nurture yourself will be an important step in learning to be a wonderfully empowered woman, a nuturing wife and most importantly a woman who is completely at peace with and able to love herself. Look at it this way - right now, you're stressed out, frustrated with your fiance and frustrated with how your wedding planning is going and there's still a year to go - how will you feel after another year of this kind of tension building up inside of yourself? How will that impact how you feel about the wedding, yourself, your relationship with your fiance?

3) Most important of all, nobody is perfect (and truly neither is anyone's wedding, something always goes wrong at some point even if nobody else notices it) - cut your fiance and yourself some slack, you deserve it. Be patient with yourself, if you need help planning the wedding then by all means delegate tasks like organizing the guest list, getting all of the postal addresses, etc to a family member or your MOH (I don't know what I'd do without mine!) because the reality is that none of us are super heroes, we all have lives that don't revolve around wedding planning and we can't do it all ourselves no matter how much we might want to.

In order to preserve my sanity this is how I'm choosing to look at the whole wedding planning issue:

- On our wedding day it really doesn't matter if everything is absolutely perfect, this day is about the love my future husband and I feel for each other and our choice to make a legally binding public statement about that love in front of family and close friends.

I'm not going to be any less committed to my future husband if absolutely everything goes wrong and nothing turns out perfectly on our wedding day than I am now. It can sometimes be hard when we get too caught up in the details to remember the bottom line - your wedding day is about the love and commitment you share with your partner and your choice to make a lifetime commitment to each other, nothing more, nothing less. Smile, enjoy the ride, because I'm sure that just like me, you're only planning on doing this once.

ntsaliki · November 2010

Um.......sorry for saying that, but a lazy groom is usually a lazy man....are you sure you want to spend a lifetime of making decisions for the both of you while your husband just sits back? That sounds unacceptable to me....Are you sure it's not just the wedding and not every aspect of his/your life? Food for thought...

Steph&Miguel 3 26 2011 · November 2010

We are 3 weeks away and my FI could care less about the details now, a year ago he barely even talked about it. He said once, we have a whole year to plan this so for now lets do something else. SO all in all, most men are not interested in planning the details of the wedding. FI picked the suits, drinks, music (4 months ago), and attended the major vendor meetings (venue, officiant, cake) but, other than that he could careless, he says that all the decor & floral is a girls thing and definitely not his thing. Be glad that your FI doesn't want to get all into the decor, or you would have a football themed wedding!! Unless that is your thing.

amieeyoung · November 2010

Take a breath and a short break. Maybe designate one night a week that the two of you will talk about the wedding. Ask him what he wants to be invovled with and let him help with those and then the others stuff you can just give updates. Then designate a night that the two of you just hang out together and relax. If you get too wound up you are going to forget why you wanted to get married in the first place. Make a to do list and prioritize it - you can work on wedding stuff during the week but please realize he has a lot going on- not b/c he's a man but b/c he's a person working and going to school. If he shows no interest in the wedding or interest in hanging out with you then maybe you should rethink getting married.

amaldonpa09 · November 2010

That's pretty sad....groooms should be a little more involved.

amaldonpa09 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_extremely-lazy-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:dfbf1898-1194-43af-9130-1acd12c2a87bPost:a5ec00d3-4f1d-4c52-8fef-1094a64a5397">Re: Extremely Lazy Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extremely Lazy Groom : Lol...thats totally what I'm expecting too. In fact, if I asked him what our wedding colors are he probably couldn't even tell you!
Posted by ReneeJacob[/QUOTE]

Thats really sad....the groom should WANT to be more involved.

caribbeanwmn · November 2010

Megan,
I am going through the same thing. However, I expressed my thoughts to a best friend and he said that men don't care about all that stuff. They really do have the attitude to tell me where I need to be and I'll be there. We do get excited about talking wedding stuff that we tend to forget how he's dealing with it. It's not a question of whether he's wedding material or not. It's just merely too much talk about wedding and not enough on other stuff. When I took that advice and started going back to who we were, we made time to talk about it each week or even months. Our wedding isn't until next year September and I was talking wedding stuff last year! So just be patient about it and hopefully things will work for the both of you. I do understand you completely! It's about both of you and his opinion matters just as much, but tone it down a notch and you'll see that he will come to you about it.

Extremely Lazy Groom

Re: Extremely Lazy Groom

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