Registry etiquette

alyciabaker · July 2010

This may seem like a silly question but why is it still considered rude to include a card listing where you are registered with the invitation or the save-the-date card since couples are EXPECTED to register? How do you pass on the registry information if you don't include it in the invitation?

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:79bf0157-feb6-4648-ba77-537497f27480">Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This may seem liek a silly question but why is it still considered rude to include a card listing where you are registered with the invitation or the save-the-date card since couples are EXPECTED to register? How do you pass on the registry information if you don't include it in the invitation?
Posted by alyciabaker[/QUOTE]
You pass on the information through word of mouth. Word of mouth has existed since before registries did. People used it all the time and it was very useful.
Couples might be expected to register, but that doesn't mean the couple should expect gifts. They aren't mandatory and therefore it is considered rude to mention them on a wedding invitaiton.

Kristin789 · July 2010

When you are inviting someone to a function or an event,
you really can't include information on how/where to buy you a gift to bring.
That's focusing your guests on the GIFT part,
when the invitation should be focused on the EVENT and the REASON FOR THE EVENT part.

/>>How do you pass on the registry information if you don't include it in the invitation?

Your guests have been to many, many weddings, and they will get the registry information the same way they always do:

+ they can contact the MOB because the invitation comes from them and their address is on the back of the invitation envelope and the front of the RSVP envelope - and half of the guest list personally knows the MOB anyway

+ they can contact the MOG - half of the guest list personally knows the MOG

+ they can contact the MOH

+ they can go in person on electronically to the registries at Dillards or Macys or whatever store is likely to be the store picked by the bride and groom for their registry, and see if a registry pops up when they enter the names of the bride and groom

kris10royal · July 2010

No registry info should be on the wedding invite. It's assuming your guests are going to buy you a gift, which most will. They will ask your parents, FIs parents, or MOH if they want to know.

But I have a spin off question... can you put registry info on shower invites? I've always seen it done, and the point of the shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts... Just curious because I'm hosting a shower for one of my friends coming up.

lharri12 · July 2010

If you were having a birthday party, would you include on the invitations a list of gifts that you'd like to receive? Putting registry info on wedding invitations is EXACTLY that.

ClassicT · July 2010

I really don't think it's a big deal. Put the registry info in the invitations, most people do not care. Only people on the knot make a big deal out of it.

alyciabaker · July 2010

I'm not saying I would put the registry info ON the wedding invitaion it's self, in my opinion that is extremely tacky, but I guess I don't see what the harm is in including a small card with the information. I have gotten wedding invitation with registry info inculded and I personally did not have a problem with it. I was glad that I didn't have to seach for the information at various places on-line or call and bother a very busy bride with questions of their registry. If putting registry information in with an invite is rude then why doesn't having a table for your gifts considered rude as well? You have the table in anticipation of the gifts, where as with the registry info it seems more like giving the guest additional information, like including a map or directions to the ceremony site. It's not something the have to use if the don't want to.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:cb2717ba-3433-4a6a-9238-63377201d6a5">Re: Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]But I have a spin off question... <strong>can you put registry info on shower invites?</strong> I've always seen it done, and the point of the shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts... Just curious because I'm hosting a shower for one of my friends coming up.
Posted by kris10royal[/QUOTE]
Yes, because, as you said, the point of the party is to shower the bride with gifts.

lharri12 - you'd be surprised, some ladies on here like that idea because they say it'll make it easier for them to know what people will want. I disagree and think it's tacky, but I get the concept.

kris10royal · July 2010

I GOT ONE RIGHT! Woo!

Sorry, had a few too many drinks tonight and trying to stay awake long enough for FI to decide to go to bed.

Kristin789 · July 2010

No registry information on or in with shower invitations either.

The shower isn't to shower the bride with GIFTS.

The shower is to shower the bride with love and best wishes as she prepares to make this transition. Traditionally, shower guests bring best wishes in the forms of advice, encouragement, gifts that will be useful and helpful to assist the bride once she's married, etc.

The idea of even giving gifts at the shower is relatively new. See below:

Gift giving was not common until recently. Bridal showers were focused on strengthening the bride's friendship with her peers, offering moral support, and helping her plan for her marriage.

kris10royal · July 2010

I got it wrong? dammit.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:e9d4a9eb-56e7-4f80-b2fd-400fbbc7444a">Re: Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]No registry information on or in with shower invitations either. The shower isn't to shower the bride with GIFTS. The shower is to shower the bride with love and best wishes as she prepares to make this transition. Traditionally, shower guests bring best wishes in the forms of advice, encouragement, gifts that will be useful and helpful to assist the bride once she's married, etc. The idea of even giving gifts at the shower is relatively new. See below: Gift giving was not common until recently. Bridal showers were focused on strengthening the bride's friendship with her peers, offering moral support, and helping her plan for her marriage.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
You didn't say where you got your source from. I tried to google it, but came up empty handed. All the sources I've found say it started to be common in the late 19th century, which isn't really recent.

Anyway, whether or not the gift giving is new, it is what it is now. A gift giving party.

alyciabaker · July 2010

Wow, can't even include it with a shower invite? That very seem extreme and regardless of the "tradtional" purpose of a wedding shower I think the purpose has changed a bit, for better or for worse. I think It's aslo to show the bride affection and to shower her with well wishes, advice, and love, but I don't know anyone who doesn't think of a shower and think of bringing a gift. kris10royal I think you got this one right, though my opinion of gifts in general doesn't seem to be thought of very highly on here. So I'm not sure if you want to consider it a win or not.

kris10royal · July 2010

i take what i can get.
overall, do what is common in your circle. every social circle has their ways of working, but etiquette-wise its not right. It wouldn't bother me if someone stuck an insert in an invite with registry info, but I know its not the "correct way".

and i am sorry if this makes no sense... KUI is bad for me.

alyciabaker · July 2010

Haha, it's not a problem Kris. I understand what you mean completly. It's what I"m trying to figure out myself, whether I want to go with tradition or not. I don't want to offend any of my guests, but then again, I'm not sure if it really would offend any of them.

eastunder1 · July 2010

I really don't care personally. A wedding I went to last year put it on the back of the invitation. I certianly noticed, but I think that is only because of how much time I spend here. I wasn't offended or put off. That being said, I think it also depends on the style of the wedding. Casual small town affairs and laid back couples with equally laid bak friends can probably throw some BB&B cards in there and no one will think twice. A invite going out to Upper East Side WASPS or Southern die hard traditionalists, not so much.

All that is just my own personal opinion. As far as by the book correct ettiquette goes, no it should not be included.

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

Don't include registry info with your wedding invitation. To be honest, I didn't want to clutter my invitations up with registry stuff - I wanted to AW my wedding, not tell ppl where to buy my presents.

Registry can be included in the shower invitation.

You get the word out through word of mouth, and you can put it on a wedding website, if you have one.

aMrsin09 · July 2010

Showers started with the Dutch (?)

It was a group of the village women getting together to give the bride the essentials to start her household when the parents of the bride didn't approve of the marriage and refused her a dowry. Which is also why the brides family isn't supposed to host the shower.

kathrynhabibti · July 2010

[QUOTE]<strong>Wow, can't even include it with a shower invite?</strong> That very seem extreme and regardless of the "tradtional" purpose of a wedding shower I think the purpose has changed a bit, for better or for worse. I think It's aslo to show the bride affection and to shower her with well wishes, advice, and love, but I don't know anyone who doesn't think of a shower and think of bringing a gift. kris10royal I think you got this one right, though my opinion of gifts in general doesn't seem to be thought of very highly on here. So I'm not sure if you want to consider it a win or not.
Posted by alyciabaker[/QUOTE]

No, it's fine for a shower invite. I don't know where Kristen#s gets her info from.

kathrynhabibti · July 2010

[QUOTE]I really don't think it's a big deal. Put the registry info in the invitations, most people do not care. Only people on the knot make a big deal out of it.
Posted by ClassicT[/QUOTE]

And, you know, people who prefer not to look gift-grabby. It's a wedding invitation, not a summons for a gift.

blackfire5th · July 2010

I voted for "rude" since I don't have a problem with it and it is common in my area, but odds are that you will send it to someone who will think it's rude.

Alyssa0421 · July 2010

I think that would be rude and tacky. Typically shower hosts will include this information within the shower invites, so the news spreads this way. Also, it is generally acceptable to include registry info on your wedding website if you have one. This is acceptable because people are choosing to seek out the information themselves instead of you just putting it in their faces.

SparrowSong · July 2010

If I knew your last name, I bet I could find one of your registries in under 60 seconds. Oh, I do know your last name.... yeah, you're registered at BBB. That took me 10 seconds.

TriSaratops10 · July 2010

I personally think it's rude - as others have said because it makes you look gift grabby - I don't think, however, its rude to have you wedding website on one of your inserts (like a directions or accommodations insert) then have registry information on your wedding website.

jemali_2003 · July 2010

I don't find it rude to put a card in the invitation with registry information, but on the other hand, I was upset when my aunt send me an invitation for my cousins birthday and she wrote, "She loves Target Gift Cards." So I see the point that everyone is making.

To piggyback on your post, If you were to set up a wedding website and put wedding registry information on it, could you put the url on a card and place that in the invitation? Is that also considered rude?

APW2010 · July 2010

You know, it never bothered me to receive a registry card tucked in with an invite, but I listened to everyone on here and didn't include registry info with my invite, and just spread it through word of mouth and posted it on our website. It worked out well for us, since we would really prefer cash gifts anyway.

But, the other day when I was cleaning out a cupboard, I looked through the stack of wedding invites I have received from friends over the last several years (yeah, I keep that stuff) and there was only one in the whole pile that didn't have a registry card tucked in with the invite.

It may be regional, cultural, or depend on how traditional your guests are, but even if it is considered rude it is certainly common practise to put a registry card in the invite.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:08b5cc6c-9d1a-4c6c-b2d6-490b47b7d00c">Re: Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE] It may be regional, cultural, or depend on how traditional your guests are, but even if it is considered rude it is certainly common practise to put a registry card in the invite.
Posted by APW2010[/QUOTE]
It is common in a lot of groups, but it doesn't make it not rude, ya know? A lot of people do it just because others have done it, so although it's accepted in some places, it doesn't make it ok. Sometimes you have to be the one to take a stand.
And, as you said, it works itself out just fine. :)

My friend said to me the other day, "Do you know where they're registered? I couldn't see that information anywhere... not on the invitation and i didn't get a little card..." I told her where the bride was registered. Word of mouth does work and it baffles me as to how some of these people existed before registries existed.... I mean, I still remember when registries were considered tacky.

marisah83 · July 2010

You can't include the registry info with the wedding invitation or save-the-date, but it is perfectly acceptable (per Emily Post) for it to be included with any shower invitations.

Oh, and as for the origins of the bridal shower, it came about in the late 1800s as a replacement for the dowry system for lower-income families. Friends of the bride gathered together to bring gifts and money in replacement of the dowry to ensure that the woman would be able to marry the man of her choice and that the wedding could actually take place.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:3ca7a6cb-dcb0-4308-a488-fc958e979832">Re: Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't think it's a big deal. Put the registry info in the invitations, most people do not care. Only people on the knot make a big deal out of it.
Posted by ClassicT[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, it was one of the first wedding etiquette rules I was taught - probably when I was about 7 years old, before the knot existed. No one in my family would think it's not a big deal. They'd all be somewhat horrified.</div>

jayjoe · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c71d873-7bb2-4efb-bbcc-2b57819c5128Post:3ca7a6cb-dcb0-4308-a488-fc958e979832">Re: Registry etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't think it's a big deal. Put the registry info in the invitations, most people do not care. Only people on the knot make a big deal out of it.
Posted by ClassicT[/QUOTE]

People on the knot are also people in the real world and yes, its rude. I also agree that it can be a regional thing. Here in NY, gifts are for showers. The registry cards go in the shower invites. For the actual wedding, you give money. I have never been in a wedding or at a wedding (including my own) where gifts were given. So if i received a registry card in the invite, yes, i'd think it was rude.

Word of mouth is the way to go.

alyciabaker · August 2010

SparrowSong - Do you know where else I'm registered? I'm registered at two other places as well. Have fun finding them. And yes, while having one registry is just fine and dandy, it may not include everything that I would like, say what if I registered for Chine at another place because I didn't like BBB's China selection, what if I have a honeymoon registry?

I'm not sure I'm going to have a wedding shower at all, and I don't really see how having a wedding shower and ASKING FOR GIFTS FOR YOUR WEDDING is any different than letting people know that you are registered someplace. How is, by everyone's opinion and expectation, a wedding shower not tacky and poor etiquette, since the WHOLE POINT is to get gifts? I think that this is a huge and silly double standard and that people get WAY to bent out of shape over it. Are you really going to get nasty with me because my friends and family would prefer me to include a registry card? The whole point of me posting on here was to understand why it is still considered poor etiquette, since I find it to be one of the more archaic rules of etiquette. I think it's amusing how many people on here who preach about how including a registry card is tacky and in poor taste are belittling other people about their opinions, is that not, in itself, tacky and rude? I don't understand how such a simple and silly question can bring out such nasty behavior in people who pride themselves on being proper. I was hoping to have an intelligent discussion with a few other fellow brides, not to be belittled and insulted for my own personal opinion, and for trying to come to a determination as to whether or not this is a route that I would like to go. Considering the attitude and rude words of many who are in favor of NOT putting a registry card in an invitation it has helped me decide that I will include one. I have realized that the people who would be seriously offended by such an action are mostly just hypocrites. Thank you all for helping me come to this decision.

Registry etiquette

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