How to reiterate politely no +1's?

Melissa51212 · March 2012

It is your wedding and you can decide to invite anyone you want due to any reason you want. These people can decline if it is a big issue. We had a few close friends pick up SO's while we were in the invite process. It happens. You going to offend people no matter what. You can try your best not to...good luck!

ladychambers83 · March 2012

@cpm1223 - when did this board turn into the etiquette board? Relax She asked a simple question, we said our opinions, there's no need to bite everyone's head off

mancila60 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:c532de7b-9d4d-49e7-9854-8071dc8fa537">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's? : So does this mean that if right now you were invited to a wedding and your FI wasn't invited that you wouldn't be even the slightest bit upset? Your wedding day is mostly about you, but its also about your guests and being rude to them really isn't a good reflection on you.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

Like PP just said being engaged and married are different than just dating. But if FI was invited to a wedding now of a friend of his and it was someone I didn't know then NO I would not be offended because it is not someone I know. That means it is not a reflection of me because they do not know me. If FI choose to be upset or say something about it then that is up to him.

Yes your wedding day is about your guests but it is about them celebrating YOU and if YOUR family is the one paying for it then that's who makes the rules! Not your guests!

Melissa51212 · March 2012

Thank you! I thought us may ladies were more understanding.

cpm1223 · March 2012

I know it's not the eboard but im not the only one who sees what the OP is doing is wrong. It seems like OP wanted us to say "tell your guests they cant invite their SO" which I don't agree with and I was voicing my opinion which most of the pps agreed with. Sorry if I was harsh I just was trying to get my point across that it is rude to invite a guest without their SO when you know that they have a SO.

Bett2012 · March 2012

I had a very single friend say last night "I just got your invite in the mail.. yay! I'm coming, but should I still send the RSVP? I don't think I'll have a date for it anyways"... it was clearly addressed just to her.. my line is and will continue to be "it's a morning wedding with no dancing, so we didn't invite +1s"... at least with her I could be like "send it anyways b/c I want to get mail and it's already stamped anyways, and don't worry about finding a date b/c... [reason]!".. less awkward than other convos i've had...

LittleLunarMouse · March 2012

Thank you all for your responses, but the question I asked wasn't that of etiquette. This is just how things are, that can't be changed, and so I was asking for a polite way to explain that to our guests, that's all. I may be being rude, but it wasn't a question of my rudeness but rather how I should politely inform them that's how it is. It's not a personal reflection on anyone, and if they feel that way, that is their prerogative. I am not responsible for their feelings, however I still wanted to spare them if at all possible, that's all.

mandi921vh · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:237b7d9d-d147-48f2-916d-7a876eb93d46">Re:How to reiterate politely no 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's not the eboard but im not the only one who sees what the OP is doing is wrong. It seems like OP wanted us to say "tell your guests they cant invite their SO" which I don't agree with and I was voicing my opinion which most of the pps agreed with. Sorry if I was harsh I just was trying to get my point across that it is rude to invite a guest without their SO when you know that they have a SO.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. It seems the majority of posters (myself included) feel extremely strongly that OP is doing something wrong. Honestly, I think everyone has kept this "debate" pretty nice, have you guys even seen the way the girls treat each other on the E board?</div>

S0095042 · March 2012

I too am going against grain here. Personally, I think splitting up engaged or married couples is a big no-no (but you said you didn't do this). Although it goes against ettiquite we didnt' invite bfs/gfs that we didnt' know unless they were serious (yes, serious by our judegment, but then again most of these were young people- like 18 or so) - it maybe rude to some but in our circles it doesn't seem to be that uncommon...but that's us.

AurorasEnvy · March 2012

While it would have been a better idea to assume everyone (even singles) + guest from the beginning, and then budget & choose the venue, dinner, etc. from there, obviously that's water under the bridge now because since you can't change what you've done, only what you can do now.

I also agree that inviting guests with their significant others is the right thing to do (which is why your friend probably assumed her boyfriend would be invited), but at this point your hands seem a bit tied. Like PPs said I'd ask your aunt about how much wiggle room there is in the budget and explain that when you put the list together, some people were single...but now they're dating someone, and you feel really bad you can't invite their BF/GF, etc etc. I know $1k-$2k is a lot of money, but in the grand scheme of things - if she's paying $35,000 for your wedding, what's another $1-$2k?

To answer your original question, I'd just tell them the truth if they ask why they can't bring their SO - your aunt is paying for the wedding, you have a limited number of guests you could invite, there were family members you had to leave off the list, etc etc. But I'd expect backlash and fully accept that there are going to be people who aren't going to come only because they can't bring their BF/GF/date.

Personally, if I was invited to a wedding without my FI I probably wouldn't go (even back before we were engaged). And I'd much rather have a $100 per person wedding and be able to invite everyone I'd like to have their, plus the loved ones in their lives, than have a $190 per person wedding without everyone. But to each their own.

classykat22 · March 2012

I'm going to respond to something more than just the issue at hand. Most importantly, when did our board become so mean in regards to some of these responses? We have always maintained a polite and supportive way of responding to each other but this thread seems to have lost that somehow. It's important to remember that not everyone is fully educated in every single etiquette rule so, it's possible for an oversight to happen. It's also possible that even knowing etiquette, the situation just cannot support following the rules exactly. The people we invite are being asked because of who they are in our lives and honestly, we should know better than anyone if we think they will perceive our actions as being rude towards them. The OP came back with a way to handle the faux pax with respect towards her guests that MIGHT feel slighted, which is more than a lot of people would even consider doing.

I think we should support her for seeing the error, even with the abrubt responses, and get back to our normal May board! If I wanted to be treated like I was on the etiquette board, I would be over there posting and getting slapped down.

Sorry, it's been a long week already and I look forward to coming here with you ladies because I know it's a safe place to vent, ask questions and share thoughts without judgement. *vent over

deeNseth · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:66da558d-03be-416b-a4b9-38e5b8dc9391">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes...well I guess I'm against the grain on this one. Although it's a touchy subject, I don't think anyone is REQUIRED to invite anyone to their wedding. ....Posted by LOMLBOAT[/QUOTE]

SO THIS!!! I'm kind of horrified at some of the PP responses to this!!! Of course you don't have to invite boyfriends/girlfriends! No matter what your reason you shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone to your wedding that you don't want to. It's YOUR day. When it's THEIR day they can invite whoever THEY want.

Sorry for the shoutycaps but this is a touchy subject for me as we're having a TON of family drama over this very issue. All of the ettiquet tips I've seen all say the same thing: invite fiance units and married couples together but bf/gf is not necessary.

I got a great tip from TK on #weddiquetwednesday to state on my response cards "We have reserved ____ seat(s) in your honor. Please favor us with the honor of your reply not later than April 15." This way we made it <em><strong>explicitly</strong></em> clear who was invited, regardless of the names on the envelope.

Too bad you didn't get this tip before you sent your invites out but I think one person said that you should just gently tell the people that your venue can't accommodate extras beyond the specifically invited individuals or something.

Good luck girl! And enjoy your day. :)

LBug24 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:d3dc1560-613a-4ca7-8698-c0f6ebf36aba">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to respond to something more than just the issue at hand. Most importantly, when did our board become so mean in regards to some of these responses? We have always maintained a polite and supportive way of responding to each other but this thread seems to have lost that somehow. It's important to remember that not everyone is fully educated in every single etiquette rule so, it's possible for an oversight to happen. It's also possible that even knowing etiquette, the situation just cannot support following the rules exactly. The people we invite are being asked because of who they are in our lives and honestly, we should know better than anyone if we think they will perceive our actions as being rude towards them. The OP came back with a way to handle the faux pax with respect towards her guests that MIGHT feel slighted, which is more than a lot of people would even consider doing. I think we should support her for seeing the error, even with the abrubt responses, and get back to our normal May board! If I wanted to be treated like I was on the etiquette board, I would be over there posting and getting slapped down. Sorry, it's been a long week already and I look forward to coming here with you ladies because I know it's a safe place to vent, ask questions and share thoughts without judgement. *vent over
Posted by classykat22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Amen! This thread is scary! Whether or not you agree with what OP has decided, that is HER wedding and can't be changed at this point regardless. What we <strong>can</strong> do, however (and what we May ladies are good at!!) is be supportive and help get out of her bind with suggestions, not attacks. :) </div><div>Everyone is entitled to their opinions, of course.. let's just stay polite about it (or say nothing at all :P)</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

LittleLunarMouse · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:69d42c30-8cd4-456b-aa69-d2841867b623">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's? : Amen! This thread is scary! Whether or not you agree with what OP has decided, that is HER wedding and can't be changed at this point regardless. What we can do, however (and what we May ladies are good at!!) <strong>is be supportive and help get out of her bind with suggestions, not attacks. :) Everyone is entitled to their opinions, of course.. let's just stay polite about it (or say nothing at all :P)</strong>
Posted by LBug24[/QUOTE]
<div>Thank you, that is exactly what I was looking for :) Thanks to everyone who had constructive thoughts and comments on the situation, this was helpful! Im pretty sure everyone is going to make an ettiquette mistake or two, and seeing how this is my first (and only!) wedding, it was bound to happen. I truly don't feel I am in the wrong here; I had to trade in some things to have my dream wedding, and thats just that. I think every woman should be entitled to have her dreams come true on that one day, and I know that is going to happen for me. Heres to wishing all of you ladies have all your dreams come true as well! <3
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</div></div>

LittleLunarMouse · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:7f3ca3d7-c06f-484e-8df6-7dee7a9639e2">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's? : SO THIS!!! I'm kind of horrified at some of the PP responses to this!!! Of course you don't have to invite boyfriends/girlfriends! No matter what your reason you shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone to your wedding that you don't want to. It's YOUR day. When it's THEIR day they can invite whoever THEY want. Sorry for the shoutycaps but this is a touchy subject for me as we're having a TON of family drama over this very issue. All of the ettiquet tips I've seen all say the same thing: invite fiance units and married couples together but bf/gf is not necessary. I got a great tip from TK on #weddiquetwednesday to state on my response cards "We have reserved ____ seat(s) in your honor. Please favor us with the honor of your reply not later than April 15." This way we made it explicitly clear who was invited, regardless of the names on the envelope. Too bad you didn't get this tip before you sent your invites out but I think one person said that you should just gently tell the people that your venue can't accommodate extras beyond the specifically invited individuals or something. Good luck girl! And enjoy your day. :)
Posted by deeNseth[/QUOTE]

<div>Dangit! Genius! You're right, too bad I didn't have someone tell me this sooner! And thank you for your kind words, I agree wholeheartedly! </div>

Yolie622 · March 2012

Sorry for your misunderstanding. I also was approached today by my partner at work who assumed she could bring her bf whom she just started dated. I simply told her sorry, but he wasn't invited & if someone wasn't unable to attend then he could come. I feel like you. I dont know you, you just started dating him & I am NOT paying for someone to attend my wedding just because you assumed he was invited.

If the person isn't a husband/wife, fiance or dated for over 6 months then I am not inviting them. People change partners like they change under wear.

My rsvp has the # of seats held & their names. You can't assume nothing with me. I am keeping a small & intimate wedding, 95% family & 5% friends. Good luck. It's your wedding you decide. If they don't agree then that's more money in your aunts pocket.
I would simply explain it to her. Honesty is the best policy.

How to reiterate politely no +1's?

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