>>you better believe my mom would be all over my sisters ass for dating a married not divorced man
Yeah, THAT. and THIS: >>I have never heard of excluding the significant others of those in an established relationship...
Soooooooooooooooo, since he's married - which is even more than "an established relationship," you'd have to invite his wife also. The invitation would be sent to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. And how would your sister feel about having her boyfriend's WIFE there?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:361b181b-7445-4cbb-975c-313aad661278">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE] />>you better believe my mom would be all over my sisters ass for dating a married not divorced man Yeah, THAT. and THIS: >>I have never heard of excluding the significant others of those in an established relationship... Soooooooooooooooo, since he's married - which is even more than "an established relationship," you'd have to invite his wife also. The invitation would be sent to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. And how would your sister feel about having her boyfriend's WIFE there? Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
This is too funny!
When I first read your post, I thought that you definitely should invite your sisters boyfriend. When I found out he was married, I changed my mind completely. Have you spoke to your sister about why she's dating this guy in the first place? You're in a pretty awkward situation and I honestly don't think there's a clear cut answer here. If it were me, as much as it would kill me to do it, I would invite the idiot because I love my sister and want her to be happy as well.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:5084a3c0-f1fd-4059-8096-f26f2cf15414">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]I would hope that the boyfriend is estranged from his wife and the divorce is pending but not yet finalized. Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]
One would hope, but even that would still count as married in my famlies eyes. Situations change and the legal seperation is supposed to be a cooling off, hopefully reconcile time period.
In my family, you're married until that decree is signed, and dipped in goldand preferably agd one year or more.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
I don't think married is the same thing as separated on the way to divorce. If they are the same, then well, my brother dated a married girl for about six months or so. Crazy brother.
Like I said upthread, I began dating my fiance shortly after his now ex-wife filed for divorce. Both of our families and his estranged wife were aware of the situation. The details of the situation are irrelevant here, but truly, marriages can be over for both spouses long before the actual separation or estrangement.
Which is all a long way of saying that I don't think the fact that he's going through a divorce [ETA: if that is in fact the case] necessarily makes him an inappropriate boyfriend for the OP's sister, or that it's even the OP's business. Etiquette requires that spouses, affianced couples, and those who are in a serious relationship be invited together as they are a social unit. Are the OP's sister and her boyfriend a social unit after just a few months? Ordinarily, I'd say not, in which case the OP was not in the wrong for not inviting the boyfriend. But if her mother is upset, then it's probably serious enough. But there's limited space and limited funds to extend the guest list further, and it's not been clarified whether sister was involved with this man when the OP picked her venue. I'd kind of like to know whether that was the case.
I assumed due to tone that he is separated since this is obviously in the open. In California, one must be officially separated for a year before divorce is an option. Friends that I know who divorced went through the reconciliation before the official separation. I don't think that is the issue here. We are focusing on what may or may not be the case.
The point is OP doesn't want to invite her sister's BF because OP is not "close" to him and they have not been together "long enough" in her opinion. I honestly have a problem believing that a venue would charge an additional $200 for an extra person. Do they have a bouncer at the door with a counter to make sure that only 30 people instead of 31 walk in? Most likely not. Obviously, OP wants to have her decision validated.
I think it's a diick move not to invite the BF so perhaps there is someone else who can validate you. My stamp is all out of ink.
I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.
"Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
"smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
"The almighty smokeybailey has spoken."
- some bitch on the Las Vegas board
What you end up doing is your business, not mine. But I do have to say. The only reason to ever ask for an opinion, is to go with what the people you ask say. Not to argue, and try and prove your point. You are defiantly acting like a small child.
......
......
135 Have an invitation
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0 Say its too far to travel
135 Need to contact me ASAP
RSVP June 3rd.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:632107cd-d61b-4209-8538-cd780893feec">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]I don't often post here but I have to on this one. I was not invited to my fiance's sister's wedding.. and we were already engaged. It caused a lot of problems. Invite him. You don't know how serious it's going to be or not, however it can cause problems in your relationship with your sister. At one point, my FI offered to me that he woudldn't go to the wedding, however I did not want to cause problems in that sense. I did let it go, and my fiance did not really bring it up to his family (my decision, I hate family drama), however your family did and notified you that they were upset. it's one thing to not allow guests that are single to not bring a date, but a whole other thing when the guests are in a relationship and it's your sister. Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>Holy cow. I could not imagine that. Seriously.
I honestly hate these kind of questions because I feel that there is never a right answer, except plus ones for every guest according to the majority of the posters here. Well, not everyone can afford that. Some kind of guidelines should be established that are fair to everyone. I actually think it would be worse to include a sister's bf of 3 months, but exclude a cousin's bf of 11 months. I feel like the guidelines should be for everyone except the wedding party.
I agree with whoever said that I don't think that a couple that have been together 3 months is a social unit. As a guest, I would not be offended if I were invited to my sister's wedding without my bf of 3 months.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:5ab8aef5-1844-40bf-b1c4-0caea93998ef">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]I honestly hate these kind of questions because I feel that there is never a right answer, except plus ones for every guest according to the majority of the posters here. Well, not everyone can afford that. Some kind of guidelines should be established that are fair to everyone. I actually think it would be worse to include a sister's bf of 3 months, but exclude a cousin's bf of 11 months. I feel like the guidelines should be for everyone except the wedding party. I agree with whoever said that I don't think that a couple that have been together 3 months is a social unit. As a guest, I would not be offended if I were invited to my sister's wedding without my bf of 3 months. Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]
If they're getting married in January then it's a 6 mo relationship. And that's plenty of time to be considered serious.
And I do agree with you that the rules should apply to everyone. I think if she's excluding anyone's SO then she's being rude - period.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:727b7190-48bf-4be7-b0b4-7a130d730b69">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : <strong>If they're getting married in January then it's a 6 mo relationship. And that's plenty of time to be considered serious. </strong>And I do agree with you that the rules should apply to everyone. I think if she's excluding anyone's SO then she's being rude - period. Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
I know, right? Mr B and I were married in that time. Obvs our <6 month dating relationships was serious.
The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007 "So I sing a song of love, Julia" 06.10.10 BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
SO and I started seeing each other when he was separated, but not yet divorced. This was for about 4 months. We weren't however "officially dating" until about 8 or 9 months of seeing each other. You don't know how long this relationship with your sister and boyfriend will last. Like Banana pointed out, they'll have been together 6 months by the time your wedding rolls around, plenty of time to be considered in a long term relationship.
Ditto Smokey on the bouncer. Is there going to be someone counting heads as people walk in? Does the 30 people include you and WP? Who else's SOs did you exclude that you shouldn't have? This is a prime example of why you should have your guest list in place then find a venue w/in your budget. I wasn't dating anyone when my sister got married, but she allowed me to bring a guest because I'm her sister. Have all 30 of your guests RSVP'd yes? Have your invitations even gone out yet? What happens if you've said no to sister's boyfriend and get 20 declines?
In my opinion, I don't necessarily think that there is one right answer based on the information you've given us. I go along with other PP when I say that this would be a non-issue in our family because there is no way my mom would be cool with a SO that was technically still married lol. She would certainly find that the bigger issue!
Having said that, I don't think his marital status is actually relevant. I would have given my sibling a date regardless of whether it was a serious relationship or not *I think*. The reason I'm disclaiming a bit is that I do think guest lists can quickly become out of control when you start adding on dates so to be budget-conscious you have to draw the line somewhere and stick to it as best you can.
We picked out our venue based on our first estimate of our guest list. We took into account people who were in long relationships or who might be considered in a long relationship by the time invites go out just to be on the safe side. Yeah, if all of a sudden several of our guests all of a sudden have whirlwind romances and get married at the last minute, this could present a venue problem. It's an unlikely scenario for us, especially since our venue would most likely accomodate a few of these scenarios anyways but maybe not everyone's venue is like that. There are some people that are cutting guest lists down one by one to fit everybody in.
My FI and I are also considering 6 months in a relationship as automatic invite worthy. We understand that people can be serious in less time than that but we had to draw a line somewhere to stick to otherwise the guest list would get out of control. But as I said before, I would probably make an exception for my one sibling.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:ec36e666-9d88-4344-82e6-73a483426679">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]Well to add clarification, they've only been together for a few months, and he's married and not yet divorced.<strong> I don't particularly care for having someone at the wedding that may not be around in a few months, hence my reasoning for not inviting him. </strong> It was very difficult for us to make the list 30 people, and I would think that a sister would be willing to not have her new boyfriend there if it allows her to invite her fiancée's niece or your own best friend. Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
But it's not about YOU. It's about properly hosting your guests and making them feel comfortable and welcome. As a thank you for witnessing your wedding. So yes, inviting your sister's SO is proper etiquette and will make her (and him) feel comfortable. Guess what? If someone you invited is engaged, married, or dating someone you've NEVER MET you still have to invite that person on their behalf.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:acdaafcb-d496-4393-b38b-cf8139b54ccc">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : Thank you :) I appreciate your understanding. I know most people will think I'm horrible for this, and I know I can't take it back, and I do feel bad about it. This isn't a first wedding for either of us, which is why we went the route of the small wedding, as we've both done big weddings before.<strong> I did have to cut out a large number of friends and family on both sides. </strong> Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
Yes, but we're talking about your SISTER. Who is immediate family. You start with IMMEDIATE family and invite them, plus their SOs. THEN you branch out to other family members and friends.
The marriage is about you and the groom. The wedding is about sharing your marraige with your friends and family. As the bride, you are a hostess, and as a hostess, you should do what you can to make your guests feel welcome.
If this $200 is really a huge deal, then ask your mother if you can borrow it, and offer to pay her back slowly. Or tell your parents and sister that rather than a wedding present, you'd like $200 to put this guy in the headcount.
Don't know if I approve her dating a married man (not that what I think, or what you think, for that matter, is relevant), but she is your sister, and he is her boyfriend, and they are a social unit now. If you love her, you should make her feel welcome at your wedding.
We had the guest list in place before we picked the venue. The invitations have already gone out. Everyone we invited has RSVPd verbally already.
It's not as easy as many of you think to make a 30 person guest list without hurting anyone's feelings. We had to cut out ALOT of people we love and care for, and there's not a single person coming that we can, or would, cut to have her boyfriend there. The guest list is literally immediate family (parents and siblings and children) and 5 friends plus the guests' spouses and children. We have other guests who aren't bringing their own boyfriends/girlfriends and have been completely gracious on the matter.
Our families don't have the resources to help us pay for the wedding, which is why we're doing it ourselves, and we simply can't afford to pay another $200 so my sister doesn't get her feelings hurt. I love my sister, and I would hope that she loves me enough that she wouldn't let something like this come between us, since in the scheme of things, whether or not your boyfriend is at your sister's very small, very intimate wedding is not all that important. Hopefully it'll work out and her boyfriend will join us for going ont he town afterwards.
I do appreciate all of your comments, they have certainly given me alot to think about, but in the end it comes down to choosing these people that are hugely important to myself and my FI or my sister's boyfriend that neither of us are close to and is not family.
If they were married, it would certainly be different, since he would be family then.
That said, thank you all for your input. I was hoping for a little guidance and you all did your best to help.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:e3167e5b-450a-46e1-8d91-9d9fee556224">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]We had the guest list in place before we picked the venue. The invitations have already gone out. Everyone we invited has RSVPd verbally already. It's not as easy as many of you think to make a 30 person guest list without hurting anyone's feelings. We had to cut out ALOT of people we love and care for, and there's not a single person coming that we can, or would, cut to have her boyfriend there. The guest list is literally immediate family (parents and siblings and children) and 5 friends plus the guests' spouses and children. <strong>We have other guests who aren't bringing their own boyfriends/girlfriends and have been completely gracious on the matter.</strong> Our families don't have the resources to help us pay for the wedding, which is why we're doing it ourselves, and we simply can't afford to pay another $200 so my sister doesn't get her feelings hurt. I love my sister, and I would hope that she loves me enough that she wouldn't let something like this come between us, since in the scheme of things, whether or not your boyfriend is at your sister's very small, very intimate wedding is not all that important. Hopefully it'll work out and her boyfriend will join us for going ont he town afterwards. I do appreciate all of your comments, they have certainly given me alot to think about, but in the end it comes down to choosing these people that are hugely important to myself and my FI or my sister's boyfriend that neither of us are close to and is not family. If they were married, it would certainly be different, since he would be family then. That said, thank you all for your input. I was hoping for a little guidance and you all did your best to help. :) Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
You don't get it. YOU are being rude even if your friends are being gracious and accepting your rude behavior. Your sister just happens to not be one of those people - and I can't blame her.
You have other ways to have a wedding on a budget. You're making a choice to put a venue ahead of your guest list. That's fine, but with that choice comes with accepting the fact that what you're doing is offensive.
It doesn't matter that her BF isn't your family. Your sister IS. What you're doing isn't nice to either one of them but in particular, you're being rude to your immediate family.
Being married isn't the only qualifying criteria for being serious. It's a shame you don't understand that.
[QUOTE]<strong>We had the guest list in place before we picked the venue. </strong>The invitations have already gone out. Everyone we invited has RSVPd verbally already. It's not as easy as many of you think to make a 30 person guest list without hurting anyone's feelings. We had to cut out ALOT of people we love and care for, and there's not a single person coming that we can, or would, cut to have her boyfriend there. The guest list is literally immediate family (parents and siblings and children) and 5 friends plus the guests' spouses and children. We have other guests who aren't bringing their own boyfriends/girlfriends and have been completely gracious on the matter. Our families don't have the resources to help us pay for the wedding, which is why we're doing it ourselves, and we simply can't afford to pay another $200 so my sister doesn't get her feelings hurt. I love my sister, and I would hope that she loves me enough that she wouldn't let something like this come between us, <strong>since in the scheme of things, whether or not your boyfriend is at your sister's very small, very intimate wedding is not all that important. </strong>Hopefully it'll work out and her boyfriend will join us for going ont he town afterwards. I do appreciate all of your comments, they have certainly given me alot to think about, but in the end it comes down to choosing these people that are hugely important to myself and my FI or my sister's boyfriend that neither of us are close to and is not family. If they were married, it would certainly be different, since he would be family then. That said, thank you all for your input. I was hoping for a little guidance and you all did your best to help<strong>.</strong> :) Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE] Then you chose the wrong venue. And it's "a lot", not "alot".
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:0ed39e14-878f-4cd3-928a-1a70ecefb058">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : You don't get it. YOU are being rude even if your friends are being gracious and accepting your rude behavior. Your sister just happens to not be one of those people - and I can't blame her. You have other ways to have a wedding on a budget. You're making a choice to put a venue ahead of your guest list. That's fine, but with that choice comes with accepting the fact that what you're doing is offensive. It doesn't matter that her BF isn't your family. Your sister IS. What you're doing isn't nice to either one of them but in particular, you're being rude to your immediate family. Being married isn't the only qualifying criteria for being serious. It's a shame you don't understand that. Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>Banana is so wise.</div><div> </div><div>Look, this is your wedding, and you can use it as a tool to alienate and offend your friends and family if you want. But don't get bent out of shape with your decisions here end up haunting you for years to come. </div><div> </div><div>You already know that this is really upsetting your sister and your mother. It is probably leading to the same feelings toward those other friends/family that you are treating just as badly, though they aren't saying anything.</div><div> </div><div>If this venue is that important to you, fine. But you need to get some perspective and realize exactly what you are doing here. You are putting a thing ahead of people; people you say you love. You are going to regret treating people this way sooner or later. We're just trying to get you to see how badly you are behaving now, while there is still time to do something about it.
Re: Small wedding, Rude family
Yeah, THAT.
and THIS:
>>I have never heard of excluding the significant others of those in an established relationship...
Soooooooooooooooo, since he's married - which is even more than "an established relationship," you'd have to invite his wife also. The invitation would be sent to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. And how would your sister feel about having her boyfriend's WIFE there?
[QUOTE] />>you better believe my mom would be all over my sisters ass for dating a married not divorced man Yeah, THAT. and THIS: >>I have never heard of excluding the significant others of those in an established relationship... Soooooooooooooooo, since he's married - which is even more than "an established relationship," you'd have to invite his wife also. The invitation would be sent to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. And how would your sister feel about having her boyfriend's WIFE there?
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
This is too funny!
When I first read your post, I thought that you definitely should invite your sisters boyfriend. When I found out he was married, I changed my mind completely. Have you spoke to your sister about why she's dating this guy in the first place?
You're in a pretty awkward situation and I honestly don't think there's a clear cut answer here. If it were me, as much as it would kill me to do it, I would invite the idiot because I love my sister and want her to be happy as well.
Married Bio * BFP Chart
[QUOTE]I would hope that the boyfriend is estranged from his wife and the divorce is pending but not yet finalized.
Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]
One would hope, but even that would still count as married in my famlies eyes. Situations change and the legal seperation is supposed to be a cooling off, hopefully reconcile time period.
In my family, you're married until that decree is signed, and dipped in goldand preferably agd one year or more.
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
Which is all a long way of saying that I don't think the fact that he's going through a divorce [ETA: if that is in fact the case] necessarily makes him an inappropriate boyfriend for the OP's sister, or that it's even the OP's business. Etiquette requires that spouses, affianced couples, and those who are in a serious relationship be invited together as they are a social unit. Are the OP's sister and her boyfriend a social unit after just a few months? Ordinarily, I'd say not, in which case the OP was not in the wrong for not inviting the boyfriend. But if her mother is upset, then it's probably serious enough. But there's limited space and limited funds to extend the guest list further, and it's not been clarified whether sister was involved with this man when the OP picked her venue. I'd kind of like to know whether that was the case.
Married Bio * BFP Chart
She said "married, not divorced" not "seperated but not yet divorced".
And honestly, that clarification would determine my answer as to if it was rude or not.
The point is OP doesn't want to invite her sister's BF because OP is not "close" to him and they have not been together "long enough" in her opinion. I honestly have a problem believing that a venue would charge an additional $200 for an extra person. Do they have a bouncer at the door with a counter to make sure that only 30 people instead of 31 walk in? Most likely not. Obviously, OP wants to have her decision validated.
I think it's a diick move not to invite the BF so perhaps there is someone else who can validate you. My stamp is all out of ink.
Now with more wedded bliss.
I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.
"Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
"smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
"The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board
[QUOTE]I don't often post here but I have to on this one. I was not invited to my fiance's sister's wedding.. and we were already engaged. It caused a lot of problems. Invite him. You don't know how serious it's going to be or not, however it can cause problems in your relationship with your sister. At one point, my FI offered to me that he woudldn't go to the wedding, however I did not want to cause problems in that sense. I did let it go, and my fiance did not really bring it up to his family (my decision, I hate family drama), however your family did and notified you that they were upset. it's one thing to not allow guests that are single to not bring a date, but a whole other thing when the guests are in a relationship and it's your sister.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Holy cow. I could not imagine that. Seriously.
</div>
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]I honestly hate these kind of questions because I feel that there is never a right answer, except plus ones for every guest according to the majority of the posters here. Well, not everyone can afford that. Some kind of guidelines should be established that are fair to everyone. I actually think it would be worse to include a sister's bf of 3 months, but exclude a cousin's bf of 11 months. I feel like the guidelines should be for everyone except the wedding party. I agree with whoever said that I don't think that a couple that have been together 3 months is a social unit. As a guest, I would not be offended if I were invited to my sister's wedding without my bf of 3 months.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]
If they're getting married in January then it's a 6 mo relationship. And that's plenty of time to be considered serious.
And I do agree with you that the rules should apply to everyone. I think if she's excluding anyone's SO then she's being rude - period.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : <strong>If they're getting married in January then it's a 6 mo relationship. And that's plenty of time to be considered serious. </strong>And I do agree with you that the rules should apply to everyone. I think if she's excluding anyone's SO then she's being rude - period.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
I know, right? Mr B and I were married in that time. Obvs our <6 month dating relationships was serious.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
SO and I started seeing each other when he was separated, but not yet divorced. This was for about 4 months. We weren't however "officially dating" until about 8 or 9 months of seeing each other. You don't know how long this relationship with your sister and boyfriend will last. Like Banana pointed out, they'll have been together 6 months by the time your wedding rolls around, plenty of time to be considered in a long term relationship.
Ditto Smokey on the bouncer. Is there going to be someone counting heads as people walk in? Does the 30 people include you and WP? Who else's SOs did you exclude that you shouldn't have? This is a prime example of why you should have your guest list in place then find a venue w/in your budget. I wasn't dating anyone when my sister got married, but she allowed me to bring a guest because I'm her sister. Have all 30 of your guests RSVP'd yes? Have your invitations even gone out yet? What happens if you've said no to sister's boyfriend and get 20 declines?
In my opinion, I don't necessarily think that there is one right answer based on the information you've given us. I go along with other PP when I say that this would be a non-issue in our family because there is no way my mom would be cool with a SO that was technically still married lol. She would certainly find that the bigger issue!
Having said that, I don't think his marital status is actually relevant. I would have given my sibling a date regardless of whether it was a serious relationship or not *I think*. The reason I'm disclaiming a bit is that I do think guest lists can quickly become out of control when you start adding on dates so to be budget-conscious you have to draw the line somewhere and stick to it as best you can.
We picked out our venue based on our first estimate of our guest list. We took into account people who were in long relationships or who might be considered in a long relationship by the time invites go out just to be on the safe side. Yeah, if all of a sudden several of our guests all of a sudden have whirlwind romances and get married at the last minute, this could present a venue problem. It's an unlikely scenario for us, especially since our venue would most likely accomodate a few of these scenarios anyways but maybe not everyone's venue is like that. There are some people that are cutting guest lists down one by one to fit everybody in.
My FI and I are also considering 6 months in a relationship as automatic invite worthy. We understand that people can be serious in less time than that but we had to draw a line somewhere to stick to otherwise the guest list would get out of control. But as I said before, I would probably make an exception for my one sibling.
[QUOTE]Well to add clarification, they've only been together for a few months, and he's married and not yet divorced.<strong> I don't particularly care for having someone at the wedding that may not be around in a few months, hence my reasoning for not inviting him. </strong> It was very difficult for us to make the list 30 people, and I would think that a sister would be willing to not have her new boyfriend there if it allows her to invite her fiancée's niece or your own best friend.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
But it's not about YOU. It's about properly hosting your guests and making them feel comfortable and welcome. As a thank you for witnessing your wedding. So yes, inviting your sister's SO is proper etiquette and will make her (and him) feel comfortable. Guess what? If someone you invited is engaged, married, or dating someone you've NEVER MET you still have to invite that person on their behalf.
40/112
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : Thank you :) I appreciate your understanding. I know most people will think I'm horrible for this, and I know I can't take it back, and I do feel bad about it. This isn't a first wedding for either of us, which is why we went the route of the small wedding, as we've both done big weddings before.<strong> I did have to cut out a large number of friends and family on both sides. </strong>
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
Yes, but we're talking about your SISTER. Who is immediate family. You start with IMMEDIATE family and invite them, plus their SOs. THEN you branch out to other family members and friends.
40/112
If this $200 is really a huge deal, then ask your mother if you can borrow it, and offer to pay her back slowly.
Or tell your parents and sister that rather than a wedding present, you'd like $200 to put this guy in the headcount.
Don't know if I approve her dating a married man (not that what I think, or what you think, for that matter, is relevant), but she is your sister, and he is her boyfriend, and they are a social unit now. If you love her, you should make her feel welcome at your wedding.
It's not as easy as many of you think to make a 30 person guest list without hurting anyone's feelings. We had to cut out ALOT of people we love and care for, and there's not a single person coming that we can, or would, cut to have her boyfriend there. The guest list is literally immediate family (parents and siblings and children) and 5 friends plus the guests' spouses and children. We have other guests who aren't bringing their own boyfriends/girlfriends and have been completely gracious on the matter.
Our families don't have the resources to help us pay for the wedding, which is why we're doing it ourselves, and we simply can't afford to pay another $200 so my sister doesn't get her feelings hurt. I love my sister, and I would hope that she loves me enough that she wouldn't let something like this come between us, since in the scheme of things, whether or not your boyfriend is at your sister's very small, very intimate wedding is not all that important. Hopefully it'll work out and her boyfriend will join us for going ont he town afterwards.
I do appreciate all of your comments, they have certainly given me alot to think about, but in the end it comes down to choosing these people that are hugely important to myself and my FI or my sister's boyfriend that neither of us are close to and is not family.
If they were married, it would certainly be different, since he would be family then.
That said, thank you all for your input. I was hoping for a little guidance and you all did your best to help.
[QUOTE]We had the guest list in place before we picked the venue. The invitations have already gone out. Everyone we invited has RSVPd verbally already. It's not as easy as many of you think to make a 30 person guest list without hurting anyone's feelings. We had to cut out ALOT of people we love and care for, and there's not a single person coming that we can, or would, cut to have her boyfriend there. The guest list is literally immediate family (parents and siblings and children) and 5 friends plus the guests' spouses and children. <strong>We have other guests who aren't bringing their own boyfriends/girlfriends and have been completely gracious on the matter.</strong> Our families don't have the resources to help us pay for the wedding, which is why we're doing it ourselves, and we simply can't afford to pay another $200 so my sister doesn't get her feelings hurt. I love my sister, and I would hope that she loves me enough that she wouldn't let something like this come between us, since in the scheme of things, whether or not your boyfriend is at your sister's very small, very intimate wedding is not all that important. Hopefully it'll work out and her boyfriend will join us for going ont he town afterwards. I do appreciate all of your comments, they have certainly given me alot to think about, but in the end it comes down to choosing these people that are hugely important to myself and my FI or my sister's boyfriend that neither of us are close to and is not family. If they were married, it would certainly be different, since he would be family then. That said, thank you all for your input. I was hoping for a little guidance and you all did your best to help. :)
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
You don't get it. YOU are being rude even if your friends are being gracious and accepting your rude behavior. Your sister just happens to not be one of those people - and I can't blame her.
You have other ways to have a wedding on a budget. You're making a choice to put a venue ahead of your guest list. That's fine, but with that choice comes with accepting the fact that what you're doing is offensive.
It doesn't matter that her BF isn't your family. Your sister IS. What you're doing isn't nice to either one of them but in particular, you're being rude to your immediate family.
Being married isn't the only qualifying criteria for being serious. It's a shame you don't understand that.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
Then you chose the wrong venue.
And it's "a lot", not "alot".
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : You don't get it. YOU are being rude even if your friends are being gracious and accepting your rude behavior. Your sister just happens to not be one of those people - and I can't blame her. You have other ways to have a wedding on a budget. You're making a choice to put a venue ahead of your guest list. That's fine, but with that choice comes with accepting the fact that what you're doing is offensive. It doesn't matter that her BF isn't your family. Your sister IS. What you're doing isn't nice to either one of them but in particular, you're being rude to your immediate family. Being married isn't the only qualifying criteria for being serious. It's a shame you don't understand that.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Banana is so wise.</div><div>
</div><div>Look, this is your wedding, and you can use it as a tool to alienate and offend your friends and family if you want. But don't get bent out of shape with your decisions here end up haunting you for years to come. </div><div>
</div><div>You already know that this is really upsetting your sister and your mother. It is probably leading to the same feelings toward those other friends/family that you are treating just as badly, though they aren't saying anything.</div><div>
</div><div>If this venue is that important to you, fine. But you need to get some perspective and realize exactly what you are doing here. You are putting a thing ahead of people; people you say you love. You are going to regret treating people this way sooner or later. We're just trying to get you to see how badly you are behaving now, while there is still time to do something about it.
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and i agree with PP, dont ask for opinions then yell and argue.
you never answered my question