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Wedding Etiquette Forum
rajahmd
member
Fiance Not Invited to a friend's wedding- WWYD?
I haven't posted much here, but I've read alot. Y'all usually give some good advice, so I'm hoping you can help me out. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks in advance for sticking through to the end. Cliff notes at the bottom if you don't feel like reading the whole thing.
Background: I got engaged last November. I have been living with my fiance for almost a year. I had one best friend whom I had been friends with for almost 10 years. A couple of months after I got engaged, we had a bit of a falling out. We have remained friends, but not as close as before- all the issues haven't been quite worked out yet. Said friend got engaged in March, four months after I got engaged. She told me around then that her parents are paying for the wedding completely, and limiting the guest list to exactly 75 people. Since they are paying, they are dictating that she invite all of her family, leaving not much room for friends. As such, she told me back in March that I would be invited, but they would not have room for my fiance and he would not be invited. I told her about the etiquette of the situation, and that I was not comfortable with it. We did not talk about the situation for awhile. She set her wedding date for October 20th 2012.
Fast forward to today. I get a message on Facebook. I'm copying and pasting it here so y'all can read her exact words and not my interpretation of them. Any names are edited for privacy.
Message: "just wanted to let you know that invites are being sent out tomorrow. I lost the battle of the +1's with my mother (her version of mando +1's is outdated) and until we get some "no's" in from the required invitees (ugh) we won't officially be able to invite your fiance. Please don't get mad at me. It was not my decision and since I am not paying for the wedding this is one of the battles I had to lose temporarily. I hope you understand and that you don't get upset when you get the invite and it says "___ of 1" It shouldn't be a problem and there should be room but my mom wouldn't let me send out invites for more than 75 people.
Either way I really would like you there and hope you don't get upset when you see the invite!"
So here's my reaction: I'm hurt that she only used facebook to get this point across to me. She already knew how I felt about the situation. In my mind, something this important and sensitive necesitates more personal contact than a Facebook message. On top of that, I'm just plain offended that she would invite me without my fiance knowing how I feel about it. I almost feel like I'm being manipulated into RSVPing and going by myself. She can't even promise me that there will be room for him, just that there "should" be.
Anywho, I would like to respond to her Facebook message, letting her know how I feel without coming across as rude or offensive. Any suggestions on how to word a reply? And what would y'all do in this situation: RSVP yes, go only if fiance can go, RSVP no out of principial, wait until word that fiance can come to RSVP, etc?
CN: Got engaged in November. Close-ish friend got engaged the following March and immediately informed me that my fiance would not be invited due to budget, etc. Received message today (quoted above) reiterating this, also saying that if there's room and "there should be", fiance can come. Wedding is October 20th of this year. Want to know how y'all would reply to Facebook message and how you would handle the RSVP.
Thanks in advance for y'all's help! Sorry again it's so long. Just wanted to make sure I included ample information.
Background: I got engaged last November. I have been living with my fiance for almost a year. I had one best friend whom I had been friends with for almost 10 years. A couple of months after I got engaged, we had a bit of a falling out. We have remained friends, but not as close as before- all the issues haven't been quite worked out yet. Said friend got engaged in March, four months after I got engaged. She told me around then that her parents are paying for the wedding completely, and limiting the guest list to exactly 75 people. Since they are paying, they are dictating that she invite all of her family, leaving not much room for friends. As such, she told me back in March that I would be invited, but they would not have room for my fiance and he would not be invited. I told her about the etiquette of the situation, and that I was not comfortable with it. We did not talk about the situation for awhile. She set her wedding date for October 20th 2012.
Fast forward to today. I get a message on Facebook. I'm copying and pasting it here so y'all can read her exact words and not my interpretation of them. Any names are edited for privacy.
Message: "just wanted to let you know that invites are being sent out tomorrow. I lost the battle of the +1's with my mother (her version of mando +1's is outdated) and until we get some "no's" in from the required invitees (ugh) we won't officially be able to invite your fiance. Please don't get mad at me. It was not my decision and since I am not paying for the wedding this is one of the battles I had to lose temporarily. I hope you understand and that you don't get upset when you get the invite and it says "___ of 1" It shouldn't be a problem and there should be room but my mom wouldn't let me send out invites for more than 75 people.
Either way I really would like you there and hope you don't get upset when you see the invite!"So here's my reaction: I'm hurt that she only used facebook to get this point across to me. She already knew how I felt about the situation. In my mind, something this important and sensitive necesitates more personal contact than a Facebook message. On top of that, I'm just plain offended that she would invite me without my fiance knowing how I feel about it. I almost feel like I'm being manipulated into RSVPing and going by myself. She can't even promise me that there will be room for him, just that there "should" be.
Anywho, I would like to respond to her Facebook message, letting her know how I feel without coming across as rude or offensive. Any suggestions on how to word a reply? And what would y'all do in this situation: RSVP yes, go only if fiance can go, RSVP no out of principial, wait until word that fiance can come to RSVP, etc?
CN: Got engaged in November. Close-ish friend got engaged the following March and immediately informed me that my fiance would not be invited due to budget, etc. Received message today (quoted above) reiterating this, also saying that if there's room and "there should be", fiance can come. Wedding is October 20th of this year. Want to know how y'all would reply to Facebook message and how you would handle the RSVP.
Thanks in advance for y'all's help! Sorry again it's so long. Just wanted to make sure I included ample information.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fiance Not Invited to a friend's wedding- WWYD?
If you really don't see her as a really close friend anymore, I would probably just rsvp no.
RSVP Date: July 20
[QUOTE]If she is a really good friend, and you truly want to see her married, I would wait to RSVP to hear whether FI can go. If you really don't see her as a really close friend anymore, I would probably just rsvp no.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]
<div>Ditto this. It all depends on the closeness of the relationship on if you ask or not. Either way - if FI isn't invited then I would RSVP no. </div>
Rambley Blog
If it were me, and I wanted to go, and would have gone if my SO had been invited, and you'll know other people there, I'd go ahead and RSVP yes, and hopefully you'll be able to bring your FI.
But it's a personal decision. If you're really that upset about it, then just don't go. And that's fine. You have every reason to be upset, but I think your anger is a bit misdirected in this case.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]If this was truly a close friend and it really is her mom not allowing the +1, honestly I would still attend the wedding. She has been honest about the situation from the beginning. You certain don't have to, but that's what I would do under this circumstance. Other situations I can't say I would say the same.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<div>Yep. It's super unfortunate that he's not invited, but if you really would like to go, then go.</div>
She knows you want your fiance invited. She knows it's rude not to invite him. You know she can only invite 75 people.
Is it just that she told you all of thise [for the second time] on FB that you're even more upset? I wouldn't focus too much on that, especially since she's discussed this with you before and if you communicate via FB a lot.
So before you decide to have a talk with her about how all this makes you feel... really decide what you hope to accomplish with this conversation.
As you already know your fiance can't come to the wedding and as she already knows it's rude of her not to invite him... I just forsee no positive outcome.
But maybe that's just me being a wuss.
As to whether you should go or not...
Firstly I gotta wonder how many of the 75 aren't family. If there are only 20 family members and 55 friends, and there's not a single person she was willing to purge out of those 55 friends for you to be comfortable and have your future husband there... then I'd be pretty POd. I'd decline the invite. A gift/card or presence at shower would depend on if I wanted to salvage the friendship or not. That would be up to you.
If she's only got like... 5 friends she can invite, then I'd be a little more understanding. Yes she is being rude. But I'd be a little more understanding that she'd want to surround herself with people she's close to, and she's just really wants me there and hopes I'm willing to forgive the slight. If that's the case, assuming I knew at least some of the people who were going to be at the wedding, I'd probably still go. And if my fiance got to come in the end (I don't think we'd be offended about B-listing at that point since his not being invited in the first place was bad enough...), all the better.
So if you really want to see your friend get married, forgive the slight and go.
If you don't care or you're that angry at her... don't.
I agree with most here. Much of your choice I think comes down to how close you two are are. A 10 year freindship depsite a falling out would be worth your going (especially since your friend is reaching out it seems important to her). It does seem like she is not in control of her invite list and 75 people is not a lot. After I was engaged I was invited to a few weddings and my FI was not. My attendance at those weddings came down to my supporting the friendships of the those getting married. When it came my turn to do my invites I too upset people about who was and was not getting invited but money was tight and I had a guest list of 135 that much more than your friend. I did not invite my cousins FI to my wedding nor did I a few family member/friends BF. One thing you can try to do is tell her that you are willing to pay for your FI plate if you can afford it that is. (That was one option a gave a few people they did not find it rude and anyone who did had to understand that wedding cost money and as much as we would like to invite everyone we really can't. And a few actually took me up on the offer).
You really have to give your friend credit for telling you well in advanced. I too am not a fan of the whole FB communication and since that's not your style you should respond to you in person or over the phone.
If her mom won't let her invite more than 75 people, she needs to either pay for SOs herself (because he's your fiance, not your "plus one"), or she needs to cut her list - which, honestly, might have meant cutting you completely if she was only having a family wedding, for the most part. I'm someone who would be much happier at being cut from the list than being put in this awkward situation.
So yeah, she's blaming her mom, but she's not completely without blame in this situation, herself. If there was literally NOTHING she could do about it, I'd be more understanding, but that's BS. I only had 68 people at my wedding and I could accomodate SOs (and, in fact, guests for everyone).
40/112
For those of you who wondered about how my fiance feels: he's hurt as well. It makes him feel like he's not wanted. He doesn't really want to go to the wedding, but he would go to support me if there ends up being room for him.
I will not know many other people there- I've only met her fiance once. The only other people I'd know are her parents, siblings, and one of the bridesmaids. Other than that, I don't know any of her family, her friends, or his friends. She's also only inviting most of her family because her parents are requiring it- she doesn't even want some of them there and is hoping they won't come.
Thanks again for the advice. I think I will just end up holding onto the RSVP until I know for sure if my fiance is invited. If he isn't invited, I won't go. As much as our friendship means to me, my fiance means more, and I won't do something that hurts his feelings.
[QUOTE]<strong>'m sorry, but if she cared that much about having you there and knowing how you felt about it, she could have ponied up the cash for the 76th person. Blaming it on her mom is a cop out and BS. </strong>II would consider being a b!tch and saying something in response about how I had to pay for things that my parents didn't think were necessary in my own planning. But really, I would just respond that I understand that she has decided not to invite my FI, that I am uncomfortable attending a wedding where he is not welcome, and that I would therefore be RSVPing no.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>THIS! I am not giving that girl a free pass just because her parents are paying. She had a choice: accept their money and cut friends or pay for the wedding herself. Or accept their money AND pay for the extras herself. We consistently tell brides on this board that their ideas are rude despite who is paying. </div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't go. Or I would just RSVP using the same logic she did. "Sorry! I reallllllly can't go unless my FI can go! I hope you understand! If a space opens up let me know and I would love to come!" </div>
Fatty Blog
[QUOTE]<strong>Also, it seems to me like she knows darn well this is rude and wrong but is doing it anyway, either by not standing up to her mom or by blaming her mother for this choice</strong>.
Posted by lahlah12bk[/QUOTE]
I have to agree. Coupled with the fact that your FI is hurt. I truly believe that if someone is adult enough to get married, they should be adult enough in handling hard details about the wedding, such as making the decision to not accept your parent's money if they insist on being rude. At that point, I feel she should pay the extra money to do the right thing or decline their help. She's putting her parent's rudeness on you, and that's totally not cool.
Honestly, this whole thing in conjuction with our falling out earlier this year has shown me a side of my friend I hadn't seen before. So maybe this is all for the best, and I'll be able to move on from a friendship that maybe wasn't meant to last forever.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Fiance Not Invited to a friend's wedding WWYD?: This. If a bride comes on here and tells us her parents are paying for the wedding and are not allowing SOs, we tell them to offer to pay the dofference or to decline the money and pay for their own wedding, so I'm really confused as to why OP's friend gets a pass? Either we think "mommy made me do it" is a valid excuse or we don't, and I for one don't. DH has skipped family weddings when I wasn't invited before we were married and I'd do the same for him. It's about putting your relationship first. Honestly, I'd reply to her message and tell her that you are sorry her parents have put her in this situation, but you and FI are a social unit and do not attend social functions where the other is not welcome/invited.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I look at it this way. I would never split up social units. I more than likely be offended if I got an invite that didn't include my DH.</div><div>
</div><div>I will always tell brides they must invite social units regardless of who is paying. "my mommy made me do it" excuse would not fly.</div><div>
</div><div>That said, even though I preach and follow good etiquette personally I'm willing to "look the other way" to people I'm close to. Especially when I know the circumstances like a crazy controlling mom or something.</div><div>
</div><div>I will admit that it's a case-by-case for me. Heck, I'm flying to Austria in August for a "fake wedding" that I had to RSVP back in FEBRUARY and have to pay for my own plate at the rehearsal dinner. In that case my DH not being invited would have been a dealbreaker<span style="font-size:9.16667px;" class="Apple-style-span"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue Out" title="Tongue Out" /></span></div><div>
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Fiance Not Invited to a friend's wedding WWYD? : I look at it this way. I would never split up social units. I more than likely be offended if I got an invite that didn't include my DH. I will always tell brides they must invite social units regardless of who is paying. "my mommy made me do it" excuse would not fly. That said, even though I preach and follow good etiquette personally I'm willing to "look the other way" to people I'm close to. Especially when I know the circumstances like a crazy controlling mom or something. I will admit that it's a case-by-case for me. Heck, I'm flying to Austria in August for a "fake wedding" that I had to RSVP back in FEBRUARY and have to pay for my own plate at the rehearsal dinner. In that case my DH not being invited would have been a dealbreaker
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<div>This is what I was thinking, we're of one mind tonight lynda! </div><div>
</div><div>If this was a close friend, and I knew her parents were crazy enough to literally only let her have 75 people, and for whatever reason could not afford to chip in more money for more people, I would let it slide. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying it's right, and I'm not saying I would tell anyone to do this, because it's still not right. But if I wanted to keep up being friends with the bride, and it really didn't bug me to go alone, like it was a close wedding or if I was going to know other people, I would go.</div>
[QUOTE]Lynda, I guess for me, I will overlook a cash bar, dollar dance, etc for a close friend. But if we're not close enough to invite DH too, then we're apparently not that close, ya know?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>and that is perfectly fine. It's really what you are comfortable with. </div><div>
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