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Wedding Etiquette Forum
GinaV0822
member
Niece + 1
We're getting down to crunch time. 1 more week until our RSVP's are due (april 1st). We are feeling good about our numbers. Not too many cannot make it and we are so excited. I was talking to FSIL tonight and I found out that my future niece is now dating someone. He's 21, she's 17. I had a feeling that if I said nothing, at the last minute I would find out that future niece wanted to bring a date. So, I took a chance and asked. Does niece want to bring new boyfirieind??? She said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that, would it be okay???
I would normally not think too much of her bringing a date, however, my concern is due to the ages.
I called FI and told him about his niece wanting to bring 21 year old boyfriend. He freaked out saying that it will cause a ton of drama because if his family sees the boyfriend drinking they will ask why he's drinking underage. Then when they find out he's of age, they will freak out that 17year old niece has a 21 year old boyfriend.
I want to say that it's FSIL's problem to deal with her daughter dating a 21 year old. FI agrees but he says it will cause issues with his parents so he wants to tell her not to bring him.
I said I am open to whatever he decides as it's his family. I am close with his family but I realize it's ultimately his decision and he's going to have to talk with his sister.
I know you will tell me that it's ultimately FI's decision, but what are your thoughts on 17 year old niece brining a 21 year old boyfriend? Should this be a concern? We do not know him and the parents are not the boyfriend's biggest fan. Which is why I don't know why they would even want her to bring him. Advice appreciated, as i don't have children of my own so not sure how to deal with it!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Niece + 1
However you already asked if she wanted to bring him. So I think it would be weird to go back on that now and basically be like "just kidding. He won't be invited regardless," KWIM?
I'd leave that judgement to her parents. When I was 17, my bf was 21. It's not like they are going to be having sex on the dancefloor.
[QUOTE]Unless this boyfriend has been to other family events I don't think it's necessary to invite him since she's still in HS (although if she's 17 and out of HS then I'll change my mind and say you should invite him), but I'd let your FI and his sister figure it out.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>Yep, she's still in HS and boyfirend has not met anyone in the family. FI's family will freak out. FI will care but FSIL will not. Ugh, I should probably just stay out of it and hope for the best!</div>
[QUOTE]When FSIL asked if it would be okay what was your answer? If you said yes then it was a verbal invite and you are kinda stuck with it.
Posted by PrincessBride2016[/QUOTE]
<div>I said I needed to talk to her brother. I told her I'd let her know and get back to her. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I said I needed to talk to her brother. I told her I'd let her know and get back to her.
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>Ok then since she is a unit with her family no invite needed for the BF unless you and your FI decide otherwise. </div>
[QUOTE]We're getting down to crunch time. 1 more week until our RSVP's are due (april 1st). We are feeling good about our numbers. Not too many cannot make it and we are so excited. I was talking to FSIL tonight and I found out that my future niece is now dating someone. He's 21, she's 17. I had a feeling that if I said nothing, at the last minute I would find out that future niece wanted to bring a date. <u><strong>So, I took a chance and asked. Does niece want to bring new boyfirieind??? </strong></u> She said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that, would it be okay??? I would normally not think too much of her bringing a date, however, my concern is due to the ages. I called FI and told him about his niece wanting to bring 21 year old boyfriend. He freaked out saying that it will cause a ton of drama because if his family sees the boyfriend drinking they will ask why he's drinking underage. Then when they find out he's of age, they will freak out that 17year old niece has a 21 year old boyfriend. I want to say that it's FSIL's problem to deal with her daughter dating a 21 year old. FI agrees but he says it will cause issues with his parents so he wants to tell her not to bring him. I said I am open to whatever he decides as it's his family. I am close with his family but I realize it's ultimately his decision and he's going to have to talk with his sister. I know you will tell me that it's ultimately FI's decision, but what are your thoughts on 17 year old niece brining a 21 year old boyfriend? Should this be a concern? We do not know him and the parents are not the boyfriend's biggest fan. Which is why I don't know why they would even want her to bring him. Advice appreciated, as i don't have children of my own so not sure how to deal with it!
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
The highlighted made it seem like you asked her if her daughter wanted to bring new boyfriend
[QUOTE]In Response to Niece + 1 : The highlighted made it seem like you asked her if her daughter wanted to bring new boyfriend
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]
<div>I guess I did. I basically asked if she expected to bring boyfriend. I knew that if I didn't FSIL is the type that would ask me at the last minute. I should have kept my mouth shut! </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I guess I did. I basically asked if she expected to bring boyfriend. I knew that if I didn't FSIL is the type that would ask me at the last minute. I should have kept my mouth shut!
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
<div>Yeah, too late. He's invited. Make room.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I said I needed to talk to her brother. I told her I'd let her know and get back to her.
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
<div>Based on this, it seems to me like you are not obligated to invite the BF because you never verbally said she could bring him. There are many reasons unrelated to age that you might have needed to check with your FI on before adding extra people to the guest list.</div><div>
</div><div>I would let FI decide since it's his family.</div><div>
</div><div>I personally think she should not be dating someone that old at her age, but it's her and her parents decision and if they're letting her do it and FI wants the BF there, I would invite him.</div>
worse things could happen. you'll be ok!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I am under the impression that FSIL was beating around the bush when OP said "Does niece want to bring her boyfriend?" not as an invitation but as a "Is this what you're getting at?" sort of question. If OP replied "I'll have to talk to FI about that." I don't think that qualifies as a verbal invitation. If her FI thinks it would cause more trouble than it's worth, I think it would be ok if he called his sister and said that his niece can attend with her parents only.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>This. We were having a conversation about her daughter. I felt as though it was implied that she wanted to bring him but it wasn't said. So I came out with it. And then she said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that. This is the same FSIL who told MOH the night before the shower that the niece wasn't coming, then she was, then she didn't show up. Granted, it was 30 bucks per person which in my opinion is a lot, and it's rude. I can see the boyfriend not showing up cuz they had a fight. And I"m going to be pissed if I spend 100.00 for nothing, I hate to be that way about money but it's rude and FSIL needs to be sure that if she says boyfriend is coming, he comes. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm going to leave it up to FI. He knows her track record and unfortunately isn't great. I love her and we get along, but he'll decide what's best. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I'm not sure ,... I'm honestly confused. OP sounds like she (bride) initiated the discussion about the boyfriend.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
<div>I think we were posting at the same time. I shouldn't have brought it up, but I felt obligated to ask, as she made me feel that way. I want everyone to be happy and have fun. If niece will have a great time with him, great! I just don't want the in laws to freak out. And hearing from y other FSIL, this is probably what will happen :( </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : This. We were having a conversation about her daughter. I felt as though it was implied that she wanted to bring him but it wasn't said. So I came out with it. And then she said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that. This is the same FSIL who told MOH the night before the shower that the niece wasn't coming, then she was, then she didn't show up. Granted, it was 30 bucks per person which in my opinion is a lot, and it's rude. I can see the boyfriend not showing up cuz they had a fight. And I"m going to be pissed if I spend 100.00 for nothing, I hate to be that way about money but it's rude and FSIL needs to be sure that if she says boyfriend is coming, he comes. I'm going to leave it up to FI. He knows her track record and unfortunately isn't great. I love her and we get along, but he'll decide what's best.
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
IMO with the way it sounds like the conversation went you have not yet invited him, so you're still in the clear to let FI make the call. That said if the situation was in our family I'd leave it to the parents to decide the appropriateness of the relationship, so if FSIL wants the invite I'd give it to her. But it could be worth a conversation; perhaps niece was in the room and she felt obligated to ask but is hoping you'll be the bad guy for her.
ETA: looks like you were posting while I was so you can ignore this all.
[QUOTE]This thread is making my head hurt. Teenagers are not "a social unit with their family". If this were the case, we'd be telling people they HAVE to invite everyone's kids to their weddings. FSIL, the 17 year old's mom, was the one who brought up the 21 year old boyfriend, correct? And then said her daughter would like to bring him when you asked. When you asked, that was a verbal invite. You invited him and it would be rude to rescind that. As for it causing family drama, the girl's parents are on board, so the rest of the family doesn't get a say. The family can get over it. She is dating a 21 year old, not marrying a 41 year old. Her behavior is totally normal for a teenage girl.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
THIS.
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[QUOTE]When I said that she is a social unit with her family, I was thinking that she is a minor, and wouldn't necessarily be extended a plus-one like an adult guest generally would. Perhaps I misunderstand the meaning of the term "social unit" as it's used around here. If there's a better way to say it, fill me in! Didn't mean to make anyone's head hurt :)
Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]
You're not the only one who says it. This comes up all the time.
I do that a lot. Usually aloud, and at work.