Wedding Etiquette Forum

WWYD-BM Drama-update+new problems-Long

I'm not sure if everyone remembers, but I was having a BM who basically asked me to kick her out of the wedding. I told her I wasn't going to kick her out but if it was something that she didn't want to do anymore she could back out, no harm no foul. Just let me know, so I can cancel the flowers and such. 
She waits about a week, then answers with "I must have just blown everything out of proportion. I want to be there for you and stand up with you" 

Okay. Great. 
So, Thursday some of the girls were coming over to help me put together the invitations. 
She came and at first everything was fine. But then she started putting in snide comments on the side.
For example: One BM who was writing envelopes showed me one and goes "Um...These are going to your fake friends right? I don't need to redo it?" The girl (we'll call her J from now on) replies: "She doesn't have room for fake friends on her guest list. She had to cut her real friends like T&B". T&B are her friends. I haven't spoken to them since J's baby shower...last Feb.  
So, we go on and they are discussing B-parties. One BM goes "Well, K is a heavy drinker so we know she'll be wasted."  J replies: "Not the K I knew."
She made about 3 or 4 comments throughout the night about the "K she knew." 
It was obvious not only to me, but to the other two that she didn't want to be there and she didn't really want to be a BM. I didn't force her to come, she offered. 
I don't think that we will be friends after the wedding but I'm really starting to regret not kicking her out. If she's going to be like this the day of it's just going to make everyone miserable.
I don't know how to talk to her now because I feel like it she will try to "bait" me into either blowing my lid or kicking her out. So that she can get out of it and I'm the bad person.

ETA:WWYD?
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Re: WWYD-BM Drama-update+new problems-Long

  • I agree. Don't kick her out.  I'm guessing she's being enough of a snot that she's just making a fool out of herself and nobody else.  If it gets bad enough, maybe just try talking to her.  Keep it simple like "I was really hurt when you said this".  If she can't handle the confrontation, my guess is she will back out.  I'm sorry she's being this way.
  • I think that I would just ignore her comments or try the sweet yet forward approach-- "It know you don't like X, but it hurts my feelings when you say that in front of me." I have some friends who were recently in an epic fight and that is what one girl said after she got tired of hearing someone else bashed all the time-- it worked. They no longer talk smack in front of this girl.


    Also, if you don't really want this girl around much, I would just take care of your wedding chores yourself or with your FI. That way she cannot push herself into BM nights.

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  • Hmm...I agree with PP that I wouldn't kick her out because you will look like the bad guy...but it also feels a bit silly to me that you said you don't think you'll be friends after the wedding, but she's still IN it, if that makes sense. I know you aren't SURE if you'll be friends, and kicking her out would be a 100% friendship ending move. But to have someone in your wedding who you seem to know you won't speak with after sounds very frustrating.

    Obviously she is being ridiculous, if she doesn't want to be in the wedding, or thinks you aren't the "K she knew", then she should step down. Maybe try giving her an out one more time? Say you felt uncomfortable when she was over with the invites because it seems obvious she's upset with you, and see if maybe she leads herself to a point in the conversation where you can try to give her another "out" as a BM? 



  • Well, the plan was not to have her in the wedding then not be friends. That has just been the realization I have come to in the past few days. Usually I don't have people help me with wedding stuff but I got into a bind with my invites.
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  • Like PPs said, I would ignore her comments as best as you can. Or, maybe ask her why she keeps making the comments about "K she used to know." Ask her how she thinks you've changed, maybe that's why she's acting the way she is. I would only kick her out if you're positively okay with a possible (& probable it sounds like) friendship-ending decision. GL with everything!

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