Vent - Am I being selfish?

Rejufsovelem · May 2012

My mom called last night wanting to know if my 6 month old nephew can come to the wedding. I've already told all of my guests that there are no kids allowed, but my mom wants her grandson there. Should I bend the rules becuase its my mom and shes paying for some of the wedding, then piss off my other guests? Or tell my mom no, she has to follow the rules like everyone else. A little back story, my brother and his wife are very immature and my mom hardly gets to see her grandson.

MMCBRIDE4 · May 2012

This sounds like a thoughtful thing to do for your mom. However, who will be responsible for wathcing him? Were there any other children that wanted to be brought, but you declined. Their parents may be upset if they see another child there, when theirs weren't allowed. Such a position situation.

melfacto · May 2012

Personally I would let my mother, but I am big on having children allowed at weddings. At the end of the day this is your nephew, it is a little more understandable, if you allow him and maybe not your cousins kid, you know? But also as PP said, has many asked to bring children, you don't want to cause issues if you've had requests from several parents.

MichelleAG05 · May 2012

I think you could ask your mom to delegate a family member who would take him outside if he starts to cry or something. But otherwise I definitely think you should allow him to come - he's your nephew and your mom's grandson. No one else will dare say anything to you about it. Plus - he's only 6 months old. It's not like he's going to run around everywhere making a mess.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:c2f0d306-b853-4dfa-8f7a-f20d0bfc4dd4">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you could ask your mom to delegate a family member who would take him outside if he starts to cry or something. But otherwise I definitely think you should allow him to come - he's your nephew and your mom's grandson. No one else will dare say anything to you about it. Plus - he's only 6 months old. It's not like he's going to run around everywhere making a mess.
Posted by MichelleAG05[/QUOTE]

This.

littleluckypenny · May 2012

Are all your other nieces/nephews invited (if you have any)? If not, it might create a little side-eye from other siblings.

Rejufsovelem · May 2012

There are a lot of other kids that we declined for this rule. My FIance especially, a lot of his family weren't able to come because they couldn't find sitters for their kids. My FIance was pretty strict with the rule to his family, so why wouldn't I be the same with mine?

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:920fdf28-1f01-4b7b-b92c-782e93cb3270">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are a lot of other kids that we declined for this rule. My FIance especially, a lot of his family weren't able to come because they couldn't find sitters for their kids. My FIance was pretty strict with the rule to his family, so why wouldn't I be the same with mine?
Posted by Rejufsovelem[/QUOTE]

Im not sure why you asked us if you already made up your mind.

Urchin9 · May 2012

Really, if you made your FI *that* strict with the rule, you should not make exceptions for your family. It's just gonig to cause animosity and upset for others involved...

[Deleted User] · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:920fdf28-1f01-4b7b-b92c-782e93cb3270">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are a lot of other kids that we declined for this rule. My FIance especially, a lot of his family weren't able to come because they couldn't find sitters for their kids. My FIance was pretty strict with the rule to his family, so why wouldn't I be the same with mine?
Posted by Rejufsovelem[/QUOTE]

I totally understand what you're saying. We're not having children either. My FMIL thought that one of the cousins on their side that just had a newborn should be able to bring the newborn (2 mo. old) because they are OOT guests and it's a young child that won't be running around, etc. But I let her know that on my side, I too have a OOT guest traveling with a newborn and she has already made plans to have the children not attend. I told my FMIL that we didn't want to upset everyone, like my OOT guest thats made accomadations for their children.
However, people may be more understanding about her godchild being the only exception. I would maybe talk to your mom more about it and find out if there's a way she can spend time with him.

WEEZIE918 · May 2012

I am in the same exact position, but my nephew will be 3 months old at the time of the wedding. My mom is begging me to let her bring him. I keep saying no. Her and my father are paying for the reception (venue, food, bar), FI and I are paying everything else (DJ, flowers, photobooth, invitations etc). I have always known that I didn't want any children at my wedding. I love kids though. My mom has tried the "I'm paying so I get to decide" on several occasions during the wedding planning and everytime she has, I've politely replied that if her money comes with strings attached that we will pay for our wedding ourselves. My mom still tries to "guilt" me into saying yes (she's got 44 more days of trying), but I'm not giving in. It's not what I want, other people are respecting my wishes, and I kinda think it's unfair for her to put my in this position. I think since you had FI adhere to this rule, then you should too.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

I think its really rude to not let infants that young attend a wedding.

Urchin9 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:3dae54d4-0d40-4482-939c-9a0ded0d4d1b">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think its really rude to not let infants that young attend a wedding.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

Personally, I am all for kids at a wedding, and when a couple has a tiny baby, it's very unrealistic to expect them to attend the wedding without their baby, even more so if any travelling is invloved. I still can't leave my LO with anyone for a long period of time and she's 7mo.

The big problem I see with the whole thing is how strict her DF is being on his side of the family. If she allows her nephew and he also has small neices/nephews, than it's really not right to only let one baby be there if they all can't come...

Elizabeth80 · May 2012

We are having an adults only reception (minus the children in the wedding party). We did make an allowance for a gf who's little one will be 4 weeks. I decided to have her bring her little one. Granted if there were several friends with little one's this young we would either try to place them all at the same table but if space did not allow I would politely let them know we request they find sitters if they wish to attend.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:8675df68-c357-4db0-8f37-5a51b1980d32">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Personally, I am all for kids at a wedding, and when a couple has a tiny baby, it's very unrealistic to expect them to attend the wedding without their baby, even more so if any travelling is invloved. I still can't leave my LO with anyone for a long period of time and she's 7mo. The big problem I see with the whole thing is how strict her DF is being on his side of the family. If she allows her nephew and he also has small neices/nephews, than it's really not right to only let one baby be there if they all can't come...
Posted by Urchin9[/QUOTE]

Yeah I think little kids on both sides should be allowed. I think its so rude.....

Urchin9 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:5a504b30-cd07-4765-b162-9d9929604830">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having an adults only reception (minus the children in the wedding party). We did make an allowance for a gf who's little one will be 4 weeks. I decided to have her bring her little one. Granted if there were several friends with little one's this young we would either try to place them all at the same table but if space did not allow I would politely let them know we request they find sitters if they wish to attend.
Posted by Elizabeth80[/QUOTE]

I don't get this...why do people with children need to be put together at a seperate table?

I used to be in the "I don't want any kids at my wedding" boat, then I had a baby. lol Now I wan't all those screaming munchkins there. hah!

[Deleted User] · May 2012

Exactly, if you let a newborn come you'll take the chance of upsetting the other guests with children.

daria24 · May 2012

What do YOU want to do? If you want the baby to come, I think the other guests with children can suck it up and deal with their kids not being invited (though I do think if any other guests have infants, it would be courteous to extend an invitation to their babies as well. If I had a 3 month old and saw another infant there, I'd be peeved. If my child was 10, not so much).

However you are within your right, etiquette-wise, to not allow the baby to come. I'm of the opinion, and the etiquette "gods" agree that adults have the right to restrict their guest lists to other adults.

WEEZIE918 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:2825e134-319d-435a-872a-a99a0a11ccfb">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Yeah I think little kids on both sides should be allowed. I think its so rude.....
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

Why is it rude? I think it's rude that someone would feel I am being rude because I don't want their infant/child at my wedding. What if I didn't particularly like/want kids of my own? It doesn't make me a bad person for wanting an elegant evening with no chance of hearing kids cry or having younger ones running around. Personally, if I did have a child, I may look forward to an adult evening that I can enjoy my husbands company without having to worry about my child for a night. There are several young children in my family, some of whom I am close to, but that doesn't mean I have to have them at my wedding. I have spoken to parents of these children and explained that I completely understand if they choose to not attend my wedding because they aren't comfortable or even just don't want to get a sitter. I respect their choice and they should respect mine.

melfacto · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:2825e134-319d-435a-872a-a99a0a11ccfb">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Yeah I think little kids on both sides should be allowed. I think its so rude.....
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

Agreed! I thought weddings are about celebrating with the ones you love, usually meaning family, we gave all couples with children the option to bring there children, if they want a child free night that is there decision not mine,.. at least that is my opinion :)

[Deleted User] · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:887c88aa-8f65-4a97-8f87-06df08457c73">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Why is it rude? I think it's rude that someone would feel I am being rude because I don't want their infant/child at my wedding. What if I didn't particularly like/want kids of my own? It doesn't make me a bad person for wanting an elegant evening with no chance of hearing kids cry or having younger ones running around. Personally, if I did have a child, I may look forward to an adult evening that I can enjoy my husbands company without having to worry about my child for a night. There are several young children in my family, some of whom I am close to, but that doesn't mean I have to have them at my wedding. I have spoken to parents of these children and explained that I completely understand if they choose to not attend my wedding because they aren't comfortable or even just don't want to get a sitter. I respect their choice and they should respect mine.
Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

I agree. The OP was not even asking if it was rude or not.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:887c88aa-8f65-4a97-8f87-06df08457c73">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Why is it rude? I think it's rude that someone would feel I am being rude because I don't want their infant/child at my wedding. What if I didn't particularly like/want kids of my own? It doesn't make me a bad person for wanting an elegant evening with no chance of hearing kids cry or having younger ones running around. Personally, if I did have a child, I may look forward to an adult evening that I can enjoy my husbands company without having to worry about my child for a night. There are several young children in my family, some of whom I am close to, but that doesn't mean I have to have them at my wedding. I have spoken to parents of these children and explained that I completely understand if they choose to not attend my wedding because they aren't comfortable or even just don't want to get a sitter. I respect their choice and they should respect mine.
Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

To me, its the same as inviting a friend, but not their SO. Maybe you would love chance to leave your kids home with a sitter for the night, but its rude to assume that every parent wants that.

And you think I am rude for thinking your rude? What? Its called an opinion....

ETA: I mainly think its rude to expect parents of very young children (under 12 months) to stay home. A PPs stated that it would be fine to insist that the parents of a 4 week old leave the child home with a sitter... um..... you cant even bring your child to daycare unless they are 6 weeks old or older... so you are pretty much telling those parents you are only getting an invite so we get a gift since we knwo you cant come because we wont allow your infant to come. Rude.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:7453e1ed-e1a9-4c98-844b-d6ebe4172743">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Agreed! I thought weddings are about celebrating with the ones you love, usually meaning family, we gave all couples with children the option to bring there children, if they want a child free night that is there decision not mine,.. at least that is my opinion :)
Posted by melfacto[/QUOTE]

Yep- exactly.

WEEZIE918 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:607b9394-1559-422b-b8ed-50039129a569">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : To me, its the same as inviting a friend, but not their SO. Maybe you would love chance to leave your kids home with a sitter for the night, but its rude to assume that every parent wants that. And you think I am rude for thinking your rude? What? Its called an opinion....
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

So you can voice your opinion and tell someone else it's rude of them not to allow children and when when I give MY opinion that it's rude to say it, I am being rude? But you saying it to begin with isn't? I was giving MY opinion, just like you gave your opinion...twice. I didn't assume that every parent wants the chance to leave their kids home with a sitter. I said that I would understand if a parent chose not to attend because they didn't want to leave their children. It's their decision and I would understand that. But as a person who doesn't have kids yet, I don't always want to be around kids. I have friends that have kids and most of the time I go to their house to hang out with them because I want to visit with them and know it's easier to hang out at their house with the kids. I play with the kids, bring them treats and love them. But every now and then it's nice when their husband gives them a break and her and I can just hang out. That doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make her a bad person to want a break for a few hours from her child.

ETA: and your update you are specifically calling me rude? I am not EXPECTING anything from anyone. My guests are adults who can make their own decision. I extended an invite because I would like them to be a part of this special day, not for a present. So should I have not given them the option of attending if I don't want kids there? I think that would have been more rude because I'd be making the decision for them.

MiksChick23 · May 2012

I half agree with some posters, half with another. I think for very small babies, you should make an exception b/c the parents might not be comfortable leavin them, ESPECIALLY if they are traveling from OOT. The baby will not cost you any extra money since they will not need a meal and I would hope the parents are responsible enough to walk out of they start crying during your ceremony.

HOWEVER, it is NOT RUDE to not invite kids to your wedding. I do NOT think it is the same thing as a SO...its a child. If someone wants a child free wedding, that is entirely their right. Maybe not all parents enjoy a night out with their spouse with the kids at home, true, but they can then decline the invitation. Weddings are about celebrating your union with those you love, so you have every right to chose whether or not you want kids there. Some people just don't like kids or would prefer an elegant adults only party. No harm there!

I am inviting kids that are in my family, but not kids of friends, unless they are very small. I hope that doesn't make me horrible but the only children of friends I know well are my BM's kids and they both have stated that they would rather a night out without the kids, especially with all the time requirements of a WP member. My other friends' kids are old enough to be counted as adults, and I refuse to cut adults I have a relationship with off my list so their kids, who I don't know that well, can come. They have every right to decline the invitation....but I would hope they cherish our friendship and would attend if it meant leaving their 10 year old at home.

MiksChick23 · May 2012

PS - OP, I don't think its rude either way. I wouldln't want to offend others who you've told cannot bring children, but if you made a "neices and nephews allowed" clause, people shouldl be fine. That being said, if you don't want the child there, then you have a right to say no.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:ffa3b96f-59d9-4343-8f4d-3d7665d6f906">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : So you can voice your opinion and tell someone else it's rude of them not to allow children and when when I give MY opinion that it's rude to say it, I am being rude? But you saying it to begin with isn't? I was giving MY opinion, just like you gave your opinion...twice. I didn't assume that every parent wants the chance to leave their kids home with a sitter. I said that I would understand if a parent chose not to attend because they didn't want to leave their children. It's their decision and I would understand that. But as a person who doesn't have kids yet, I don't always want to be around kids. I have friends that have kids and most of the time I go to their house to hang out with them because I want to visit with them and know it's easier to hang out at their house with the kids. I play with the kids, bring them treats and love them. But every now and then it's nice when their husband gives them a break and her and I can just hang out. That doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make her a bad person to want a break for a few hours from her child. ETA: and your update you are specifically calling me rude? I am not EXPECTING anything from anyone. My guests are adults who can make their own decision. I extended an invite because I would like them to be a part of this special day, not for a present. So should I have not given them the option of attending if I don't want kids there? I think that would have been more rude because I'd be making the decision for them.
Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

Um.... you can call me rude. That;s fine. I just thought it was strange to be called rude for stating my opinion. I dont think that Martelle is rude for her post and we dont agree... I am saying that not allowing newborns at a wedding is rude. My opinion. I think the ACTION of not allowing newborns is rude... not having that opinion.....

WEEZIE918 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:1747cf20-192c-4b4b-9013-7e1dfeddfa23">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : Um.... you can call me rude. That;s fine. I just thought it was strange to be called rude for stating my opinion. I dont think that Martelle is rude for her post and we dont agree... I am saying that not allowing newborns at a wedding is rude. My opinion. I think the ACTION of not allowing newborns is rude... not having that opinion.....
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

No where did I say you were rude. One of your posts was the first post that even had that word in it. I never even mentioned the word rude until after you gave your opinion that it was rude. All I said was that the action of saying some is acting rudely for not allowing children, is in itself a rude action.

chelseakopperud · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_vent-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4c4c8ed4-48fd-4145-bbb4-c71e63a96912Post:9f4a2c37-c6fc-47a5-ac9b-fcbf13c419c4">Re: Vent - Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - Am I being selfish? : No where did I say you were rude. One of your posts was the first post that even had that word in it. I never even mentioned the word rude until after you gave your opinion that it was rude. All I said was that the action of saying some is acting rudely for not allowing children, is in itself a rude action.
Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

You called me rude for having an opinion... I can quote it if you would like. If my opinion is "rude" then oh well.... I guess its rude.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

Why don't we all just agree to disagree about this. I think it's great that we all have such strong opinions and that we are aren't attending eachother's weddings, lol

MiksChick23 · May 2012

I think we need to look at it this way : everyone has a different opinion. If you are invited to a wedding without your kids, and you feel slighted by that, rather than thinking the B&G are rude jerks, you just understand that their thoughts on the issue are different than yours. Either decline the invite, or decide to call grandma for the night and go on a date night.

No one is rude for having an opinion, its just rude to lash out at someone for having a different one. Chelsea is by far the sweetest person...so...I'm confused how she is being dragged into being called rude. I think stress levels are ultra high this week, sheesh!

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